Should I tell DH not to come to my party?
For me, the last few years have been filled with change and turmoil. Covid, my business of 35 years declared bankruptcy, and two of my first cousins around my age passed. I still have my health, energy, and a zest for life. I want to celebrate my upcoming 75th birthday with friends and family by hosting a special party. I know it will be costly, but you only llive once and I am not young.
My DH is VERY comfortable financially. We have separate finances and he shares nothing about his money with me. I know that every year he gives the maximum gift possible to his son and grandchildren and contributes to their college fund as well as maintains a joint checking account with his son. He also gave his son the downpayment for his home and made substantial contributions to his son's mortage. I know (because I overheard a phone call) that when his son turns 40 next year DH will turn over very significant funds to him.
Although it has been very difficult, I have mostly made my peace with this situation. However, every once in a while (like now) it blows up in my face. I am in the planning stage of the party. DH offered a miniscule amount toward the party and I didn't respond. I eventually said, "Thank you for your offer. I was very hurt and didn't respond immediately because I didn't know what to say. I know how generous you are to your immediate family and I guess you just don't consider me family. He then asked "Did you expect me to pay for this party?" My answer, "I thought that you would ask me what I wanted for my birthday and I would have answered, a party. However, I never expect anything from you and would never ask. It has to come from your heart. I am your wife." (Wehave been married for 11 years and together for 16)
Since this conversation he has been moody and withholding.I am ignoring it. The reality is that he can easily afford to pay for ths party whereas it is a bit struggle for me to do so. My sister has offered to help.
I am moving forward with the arrangements. If he doesn't offer a significant amount of money or honor me in another way, I feel like telling him not to come. I will only do this on the day of the party.
What are your thoughts?
Good Gawd
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This is just rotten to the core. The mere fact that you are "hoping" DH will pony up on your SPECIAL birthday is sad. Especially when you know big daddio finances his grown kids. GROSS
Im sure you will get dang good advice from the members on here. I have none. Im just stuck on that Mr Generosity to family doesnt include his WIFE.
What the flucking heck.
I hope you throw the most memorable party and to heck with MR Generosity to everyone but you.
ETA many believe especially in second marriages that finances are sepearte and what he does for his kids is none of your business. OK then, i agree to a point. However a special birthday for your spouse and his response "do you EXPECT me to pay for it?" What the flying fluck. His love language is monetary...to his kids. Whats his love language to you? You would have thunk big spender daddio would want to celebrate his love his wife in style for a special birthday.
What a prick.
How much will this party cost
How much will this party cost?
I would not wait to approach this
I dont know your details, but you mentioned that "Although it has been very difficult, I have mostly made my peace with this situation."
Off the top, with no details, I would say have a heart to heart prior. You dont want to stress beforehand and you dont want a shadow hanging over the day.
But - again without details - I would definitely have wills, POA, and all that squared away. Also life insurance policy...I hope you have one on him! And that your home is in YOUR name. And that hes got some stashed away for you as well as what he is gifting the multi-generational kiddos.
He sounds kinda cheap-skatish...
I would probably not dis
I would probably not dis-invite him only because I wouldn't want to answer the questions about where your husband was. I wouldn't invite his friends and family, though, unless they're people YOU want to celebrate with.
I understand separate finances, but a spouse who has a lot more than his wife and lavishes monetary gifts on his kids while being stingy to his wife is not much of a partner.
A rooster! Cheap, Cheap
I understand separate finances if he had the money prior to marrying you, and you don't seem to have a problem with that. But considering that he has bestowed quite a bit of money on his kids, and not forked over a bit for your 75th birthday speaks volumes. I'm just wondering if he is as cheap during the holidays?
I made more than my exDH, and as a result of finding out he had lied to me about his earnings, his potential earnings, and several other things before we got married, I kept separate finances. He only paid $380 a month for his share of the living expenses for 30 years. When it was his 50th birthday I gave him a party, and thought nothing of the money. Then, when it was my 50th birthday he refused to give me a party (after I asked) - even a small one at home. He said, "Who would want to drive out here for that?" He DID give me a nice party on my 60th birthday, but was terribly cheap otherwise. There were Christmases and birthdays where I didn't receive anything.
The thing is, if you complain anymore, or if he refuses to contribute much it will create a dark cloud on your birthday celebration. If you don't complain he will think you just dropped the issue. I would pay for your birthday and enjoy it to the fullest with your friends and family. Then I would write two lists: One list would contain his positive attributes. The second one would include the negative things about him. Compare the two lists, then have a heart-to-heart with yourself.
I am 75 and decided to divorce exDH instead of of putting up with any more of his B.S., and I have never regretted it. Life is too short to feel like you have no value to a man who is supposed to love you.
That seems mean. In all of my
That seems mean. In all of my relationships, I have made more than my partner and even though I kept separate finances, I still shared in my wealth with them (i.e, paying for trips because I could easily afford it versus it being a stretch for him).
You do you, I say. It's your day and you celebrate how you see fit. Screw el cheapo.
Why bring negativity to your party?
Hi: I have read all of your posts. I am sorry to read of your business ending and your husband's on-going coldness and rudeness.
Honestly, it doesn't seem surprising that he would be a selfish prick about your birthday. He has a well established track record of being financially withholding. But, it seems that maybe you thought because y'all had come to a better place in your relationship during Covid that maybe he would be nice for once. I am sad for you that he is incapable of rising to the occasion and being gallant.
However, you need to be practical and look out for yourself long term. Understably, your current situation puts you in a odd position -and you appear to have chosen to ride it out -- which I ENTIRELY UNDERSTAND. That said, changes in his will in your favor can easily be change back to something less favorable- or he can ramp up divesting himself of his assets. The way you describe him - makes it seem like something he would do without batting an eye. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face - have the wonderful party you and your sweet sister can afford- be gracious and invite your husband - don't invite his kid and dil - politely ignore his presence and have a great time.
I know you're hurt, I understand why, but step back and ask yourself if his actions are really that surprisng based on his shit past behavior and whether this is a hill you want to die on? If so, then don't invite him, but be prepared for some kind of possible blow back and negativity surrounding your party. I wish he was normal and would give you a nice party - but he is not that guy. You have to accept that he's a not warm or generous in the way that a spouse ideally should be. In deciding to ride this out you have to take control of your expectations and not let him ruin your happiness. Best of luck.
Thanks for your comments.......
When we first met many years ago I had no idea that DH had significant resources. He lived very frugally. If some of you have read my posts over the years, I didn't know anything about his finances until the day we signed the prenup. I can't amd won't go back to this issue because it is too painful. Over the years I have put my foot down. I refused to pay rent for his apartment without getting any equity. I also refused to go on vacation with him unless he paid for me., I refuse to pay when we go out. If he wants me to go with him (his choice) that's the way it is. Occaisionally, he gives me nice presents but not often. He is also not generous to himself. He never splurges on himself. His generosity knows no bounds when it comes to his son or grandchildren. I often feel like the mistress in my own marriage.
Yes - I brought assets to the marriage. It is my car and my weekend house (which I had to "sell" to my sister beecuase of the bankruptcy). I was totally independent and self-sufficient before we married. Unfortunately my circumstances have changed. I have enough, but have a much better quality of life with him. He is an intelligent, interesting man, and a good companion. He is also pathologically cheap toward me.
I have made the decision to enjoy my life and be happy with what I do have. Most likely I will have him come to the party but would love to figure out a way to humiliate him in front of his son and others about his cheapess toward me. I realize this behavior is really sick.I just wish If it didn't hurt me so much
You don't have a relationship.
You have a transaction. Sadly, you are not in DH's asset column.
IMO, don't try to humiliate him at your party. It will only make you look bad and give him ammunition against you. I would plan the party accordingly, let him know the date/time/place if he asks and leave it at that. Don't say another word about it to him.
Quite frankly, why are you even inviting his kids to the party if you aren't even sure you want DH there? Don't invite any of the skids/gskids to the party. If anyone asks why, say that due to limited resources you had to cull the number of invites.
FWIW, people who are fixated on their money (like your DH) rarely change. You say you are willing to accept things as they are since it does afford you an overall better standard of living. You say DH is intelligent, interesting and a good companion. At this stage in your life that may be enough, as long as you know that's the trade off you've accepted. Realize that comes at the cost of having a partner who is loving, empathetic and generous.
^^^THIS^^^
Exactly! If you are staying with him because he offers a better standard of living financially, make up a plan to live your life better emotionally. Get involved with people and groups entirely outside of the marriage such as writing or art organizations. Do separate things such as reading or journaling or visiting friends.
After you take this step, if you still feel like something is missing, maybe you should ask yourself if it might be worth it to live with the money that is available to you (Social Security, etc.) rather than live with someone who has so little regard for your happiness.
The fact he gave a large lump sum for downpayment
And contributed alot to his adult sons mortgage yet spends bugger all on you really sums it up. He doesn't value or respect you then gets shitty and moody asking you did you think he was gonna pay for a party.
my husband and i always did mini romantic getaways, a nice dinner out to celebrate out birthdays and wedding anniversary etc. we don't do family bbq/parties and prefer more intimate ones but he still spends money for the hotel/flights or drive and nice dinner etc.
yours however gives you attitude like why should he be spending money on you. Not only that, he's gonna be giving more money to his son when he turns 40. Is hubby contributing substantially to your joint retirement fund or are you both funding individually your own ones?
because you don't want him giving all this money away and he expects you fund his retirement in old age.
"we're having a party to
"we're having a party to honor me, you can stay home if you cannot do that little bit"