Skids brag on about BM
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Sorry this is my second post today! We don't see much of skids but when we do it is usually to meet them for one of their birthdays. The last few times almost the entire meal was spent with them either bragging or talking about BM. I am a grey rock but last time I swore no more. BM was a vicious witch towards me and skids know that. If this happens to you guys how do you handle this? I try to keep a relatively calm relationship with skids for DH's sake. Oh and he sits there and says nothing while they prattle on about the Mother of Jesus even though he cannot stand the witch.
My SD (now, 31) used to
My SD (now, 31) used to somewhat brag about BM when she was young. As she got older, she realized there was not really much to brag about. Now, DH just gets to hear about BM and her drama, like the fact that she is separating from her 6th husband. I find it all quite humorous.
When kids are young, it's one thing for them to talk about their BM and I would have never told my SD not to talk about her mother, but if kids have proper manners as adults, they figure out that it's rude to go on and on about someone who was horrible to you. Your husband should put them in check. They are adults and should know better.
We used to simply tell skids
We used to simply tell skids "ok, let's not talk about BM here", and it would change the subject. We certainly didn't want to hear them brag about how awesome their insane mom was. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
It would be hard to bite the
It would be hard to bite the bullet, but I would set the boundary and make sure you are heard loud and clear. I have already went through situations like this with my young stepchildren. I imagine when that time comes if we are all sitting at a table together in 15 years, I hope I'd be able to speak up or that DH would before I had the chance.
Hang in there dear <3
How would I deal with it?
"It is all well and good that you worship your, ha hmmmm, mother. However, that does not mean you will not hear the facts and the truth about her when you try that crap with people who know the truth and the facts. Speaking of the facts... did you know your BM did, said, was involved in, XYZ, LMNOP, ABC, and QRS? Yep, she did all of that. How does that change your perspective? Hmmmmm? Instead of professing your delusions about your mother, tell about what you are doing with yoru life. That is what your dad and I are interested in. We are not interested in your mother."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Or, just tell them that time with their dad is not to be spent mentioning their mother. Not even once.
"And you're telling us this
"And you're telling us this why? "
My adult sd was 23 and like clockwork within seconds
Of her entering our car with sd13 it was blah blah blah mummy and stepdad blah blah blah.
nothing we were talking about related to them, they purely revolved everything about us around bio mum and stepdad.
my husband didn't want to put an end to it and i made it clear i and our 2 toddlers would not be present at any meetups because i'd had enough of this crap
the blah blah blah was just to stick it to me and hubby, they're still trying to make biomum and stepdad (who had an affair together when married to their exspouses) relevant and far superior to us.
it took my husband 1.5 yrs later to sit his daughter down and say enough.
he made it very clear how disrespectful it was to him and me to rattle on about bio mum and stepdad when they are not part of our family and it was clearly done to stick it to us. Hubby explained biomum is his past, not his present or future like me. That he is happily committed to me and he has no care or concerns about bio mum and stepdad and why should he?? They're not his family
sd23 did sulk and had prior to that sent a pic of airport arrival hall. Hubby's like what is this?? She says she's waiting to pick up bio mum and sd from overseas trip. Apparently my husband was meant to give a shit
i refuse to be at any events or meets sd's will be at. Ss has come a long way and he hates biomum for abandoning him and cutting off contact with him and refused to meet her after her bogus "i miss you back in 2018" (9 yrs after she dumped him on my husband and said she couldn't be stuffed caring about him), ss has refused to meet her even now.
my husband hasn't asked ss if he's met biomum but is pretty sure he hasn't
the funny thing now is sd's bragging about biomum and stepdad and guess what, they both ditched sd's since 2018 and biomum had sd23 take sd13 when she was aged 9 or 10, this was after they ended contact with my husband and disappeared. Even then when biomum was happily collecting cs, she couldn't be bothered to care for youngest sd but her hatred and sticking it to my husband was so intense she refused to contact my husband and tell him to take custody of the youngest.
sd's live in a home my husband bought post divorce (rent free), eldest sd just pays the utilities bill.
little kids you can
little kids you can understand them not getting it.. and saying things about their other home.. but by the time they are in their 20's? they have to know that their dad likely has zero interest in hearing about his ex.
I might be tempted to immediately bring up that I saw one of their exes.. how wonderful they looked.. and doing so well you know?
All great advice. Thank you!
All great advice. Thank you! Yes I have decided to say something like "we don't want to spend the entire meal talking about BM as this is our time with you and we prefer to hear about your lives". As DH won't say it I will. BM almost succeeded in PAS'ing him out of their lives so he is never keen to annoy them. But with SD23 she is sticking it to me when gushing on about BM.
Fun huh?
I once said to snotty SD after she was going on and on about the queen BM " You know you remind me of your mom, looks and personality"
SD HATED that cause BM was not all that attractive . She closed her beak pretty quickly . SD was so into her appearance.
Yep good approach. You don't
Yep good approach. You don't want to bad mouth her but get the point across that the subject needs to be changed. Thankfully over the years DH hasn't hid his opinion of the skids talking about Toxic BM and says 'ok, I don't care'. And they got the hint, and I just don't comment or say 'mmmm.. ' and walk away when they talk about her. I couldn't care less anymore.
The SD's might do it on purpose...seems to be a trend...
I read somwhere that the girls do this around daddeee with goals of making daddees's GF/SO/Fiance feel that she is like an outsider and uncomfortable. I was surprised when the two exSD's (ages 16 & 19 at the time it started) would sit in the backseat of the car and say, "Remember when mom...." or "Remember when we had the big house with the bamboo floors...we loved that house so much, we had such great memories there..." or "Remember when mom got in the car wreck and hurt her knee? How did you find out about it daddeee?" The one time he was aggravated he replied, "Her boyfriend called me." At that time exNarcDH was working out of town when he and biomom were divorced but they remarried a year later.
When both girls would visit and have a meal with us, one said, 'Daddeee, mom said she wants her bed back." Apparantly exNarcDH held on to as many things of HERS after the divorce several years prior, including wedding gifts that he would display from 20 yrs prior.
I found it odd that they would talk about biomom since exNarcDH and biomom were besties, he couldn't wait to talk with her on the phone on Monday mornings during his long commute to work (of course he denied, I saw the call history) as he claimed staying in constant contact 'for the girls.' So exNarcDH and biomom were in contact several times a day/week, the girls knew this, so why are they the messengers to announce things in front of me? Biomom is just as manipulative so those girls got it from her, so sad.
IMHO the girls likely do this on purpose, although they would deny it if confronted. No one wants to feel isolated when hearing about biomom, her new hubby (the affair partner, reason she divorced exNarcDH the second time) and all the great things about biomom, who is about as sharp as an old wooden spoon.
I would say, "Wow, sounds like your mom is living her best life with her new husband, they seem like a great couple" as if I meant it, just playing along with them. Barf! exNarcDH would cringe when I would entertain the girls reminiscing. haha!
So go along with it with false excitement, ignore it, leave the room or pop in some airpods if you're stuck with them and cannot escape.