Step Kids Over 25
I married a woman who has 2 kids that really didn't have a father in their lives. Initially our marriage was great! We both had baggage from previous marriages, but as best friends, we are like soulmates when we're alone and together.
All of this came to crashing to an end when my 29 yo SS had a child with a woman who clearly suffered from some kind of mental disorder, and was warned by my wife (his mother) NOT to have any kids with this woman. As a matter of fact, my wife warned her kids not to marry and have kids until they were financially stable, and in their own homes. When our grandbaby was born, we weren't allowed to see our grandbaby because the mom sent the baby to another state, and no one knew where he was for at least 1 full year. Meanwhile, my SS moves into our home and is going through it! He and his wife were divorced shortly after the child's birth. While my SS was here, I tried to talk him through the pain. I worked with him daily to find a job. I actually pulled the job openings and gave him lists of jobs, helped him with his resume, and just made sure he was ok from day to day. We fed him until our refridgerator was empty. He sat in our living room for months on the couch until a permanent sag was noticeable. He took apart our furniture cushions to make himself comfy at night. His dirty clothes were all over our house and of course he had no job so we received $0 help from him. I could go on, but you get the idea. His mom eventually had enough and told him he had to go. He moved in with his 26 yo sister and repeated all of this at her house. We'll come back to this shortly....
Now my SD loses her place and moves in with us a few months later. She is working 7 days a week, has 2 jobs and never has any money. However, she eats at the finest restaurants almost every night (pre-covid19). I know because our fridge has the leftover boxes piled on top of each other because she never finishes anything, and it all eventually goes into the garbage. I put my SD on my insurance to help her out, and she never pays on time, she even misses payments to me altogether from time to time. Her room is radioactive. You CANNOT go in there without a hazmat suit, I'm NOT exaggerating! She doesn't clean her bathroom, and leaves garbage both inside and outside the house. I have tried several ways to set her up with areas where she can invite friends over to "hang out", and I end up cleaning up the mess after they've all gone about their business. I have tried many ways to teach her new skillsets so she could work just one job, and make a better salary. She's very smart. But she wasn't interested. Everything I start with her, she never finishes or has lost interest. I thought she was a responsible person until I would come home and find our garage door wide open, or the doors unlocked because she simply "forgot" to close and lock up. She can be very disrespectful to her mom, and I've had to get on her about being disrespectful to her mom in front of me. Of course, I was made to feel like I had no say, and subsequently I now mind my own business when they are going at it. Movie night on the couch used to be my wife and I huddled up under the blanket, now it's my 26 yo SD smack in the middle, and I sit on the end of our huge couch alone and wondering what the hell happened here? So yeah, I'm feeling kind of left out. I could go on, and on, and on, but you get the picture.
So...back to my SS. He has his own 3BR house now...yay! Hang on now! He cannot take care of his 3yo because he has to work. What I really found out about him is that he believes that taking care of a child is woman's work, I s*** you not. So he tells his mom (my wife) that he would like some help. He drops our grandson off at our house 7 months ago, and now the grandbaby lives with us. No warning, no "let's talk about this", no "so how are we gonna handle this", nothing! So now, after raising 3 of my own (one is a high ranking officer in the military, the other runs his own business, and the 3rd has job that he loves and makes a good deal of money, and none of my 3 grown kids lives with us), I now am trying to adjust to parenting an adhd 3yo child, that has an issue with women (including his grandma & auntie). So not only am I dealing with my SD back in our once peaceful house, we also have another mouth to feed, and responsibility for raising another child. I love our grandchild, but he screams at the top of his lungs, he kicks his grandma and auntie, he has spit at them and bit them. He also has tantrums when you take him to tha park, or wherever you would take a child to have fun. He cuts loose when it's time to go and I have to tell you, it is one of THE most embarrasing things I have ever experienced. He hollers when it's bedtime, and I'm so surprised that my neighbors have not called the cops. He hollars when it's time to get up in the morning to go to pre-school (or daycare, not sure but they teach him stuff). Honestly, it has become absolutely rediculous the amout of stress that I go through from one day to the next. I keep thinking I'm gonna have a stroke or a heart attack if this keeps up.
I have had several "come to Jesus" talks with my wife about the madness that has unsettled our peaceful home and has separated my wife and I from any intimacy and time alone. As much as I hate to say it, I didn't sign up for this. I did my time. My kids are doing beautifully, but I have married into a FAMILY of drug abusing, lazy, uneducated, morally decrepit, emotionless, mentally unstable people! My parents have passed on and I have no one to talk to. My wife is a wonderful person. She's a beautiful diamond in a truckload of coal. I just don't know where to go from here. I cannot do it all and she doesn't seem to want "us" back as much as I do. She's too busy tending to her grown adult offspring. I'm 3rd fiddle. I've considered just getting a divorce and cutting my losses. I don't know, I'm so confused. I never experienced anything like this.
Ooof. Definitely cut your
Ooof. Definitely cut your losses. This will not gwt better anytime soon, if ever.
Yikes.
This was my first thought
SteppedOut this was my first thought. I've been trying to organize my thoughts, weigh good vs bad. I'm not coming up with much on the "good" list.
Once while we were going through it over my SD, my FIL told my wife, "that guy (me) is the best thing that ever happened to you, see if you can work it out and tell those grown ass kids to get they're own place!". This made me think about all that this family has been through. The physically abusive ex-husband, and the plethora of other unspeakable acts and events that I've been told have occured in her family's history. When I think of trying to break that cycle and "be" the change, am I living in fantasy land? Is this something people just don't do anymore? I know it sounds naive, but viewpoints are appreciated.
I appreciate your candor, and it has been well received.
You can't change other people
You can't change other people. Your wife is the only one who can "be" the change you need. You could try insisting on therapy for your marriage, but she has to be willing to do the work.
Glad you brought that up
beebeel after I suggested that EVERYONE receive individual counseling (Including me), we should then try marital and family therapy. I've been informed that at least 1 of the 2 SK's have agreed, and I awaiting feedback from the other one. My logic is that if we can committ to addressing our individual issues, then maybe we can work on the marriage and family part.
I’m very direct with my husband about issues
I do not sugarcoat!! It sthe cold hard truth and he is told to handle this immediately or he can look for wife #3.
so tell your wife or message her:
”I have married into a FAMILY of drug abusing, lazy, uneducated, morally decrepit, emotionless, mentally unstable people!”
You pay the bills and mortgage or rent while skids do not so give wife the ultimatum, they have 24 hrs to get out or are being forcibly removed and locks changed!!!
These people have no intention of being responsible for their own selves??
some families kids can live at home whilst studying or working a few yrs to save for a deposit but they pay rent at home and help contribute to bills and chores. Not freeload!!! It’s pathetic and embarrassing that these kids have no shame and neither does your wife!!!
she will likely sulk and play victim here but she is the perpetrator in this whole saga along with skids, you are not a priority and haven’t been!!
"some families kids can live
"some families kids can live at home whilst studying or working a few yrs to save for a deposit but they pay rent at home and help contribute to bills and chores." @shamds if only.
Perhaps your "beautiful
Perhaps your "beautiful diamond" is a wonderful person, but she's not a very good parent. All of your complaints can be traced directly back to her complete inability to say NO to her kids, and to force them to stand on their own two feet.
I know it's easier to blame the kids than blame her, but she raised these entitled adults, and she continues to allow them to freeload on her and on YOU, with no regard for your feelings in the matter. Why doesn't she care how this affects you?
I think she's more of a Cubic Zirconium, personally.
"I know it's easier to blame
"I know it's easier to blame the kids than blame her, but she raised these entitled adults, and she continues to allow them to freeload on her and on YOU, with no regard for your feelings in the matter. Why doesn't she care how this affects you?"
@tog redux I have tried to numerous times to convey this message to her (my wife) because this is also taking a toll on her. I think she's getting it, but I'm trying to preparing myself in case she really is a zirconium.
I would load up the screaming
I would load up the screaming toddler and the bride for a drive and just happen to meander past the idiot daddy's place and drop off his baby. If wife protests leave her ther with her toxic spawn and the GSkid. On the way back home call the locksmith to come re- key the locks and a local packing service to move SD's shit to the curb all to start when you pull into the drive.
No one but DW returns and her return and continued residency is dependent on clearly defined requirements and is one day at a time. Have programmable code locks installed and disable her code instantly upon violation of the continued presence stipulations.
Better yet, don't let her return and have the movers dump SD's and DW's shit in SS's driveway.
I can't say that I haven't
I can't say that I haven't thought about doing this.
Cut your losses
Wow! Thought I had it bad. I'm a widower who married a widow with an adult son and daughter. The daughter is very successful, owns her own home, is married and has teenage children who are very good kids and also honor students, and she also has one 22 year old grown son who works full time and lives on his own.
My wifes grown son is another story. He is irresponsible, as well as completely disrespectful. He is 25 years old, can't keep a job, and leaves a mess in every room that he walks into.
His room is filthy and disgusting, and literally stink to high heaven. He does nothing but eats, sleeps and plays video games. And my wife just turns her head to it, and continues to lavish money on him and treat him like an infant.
Several months ago, he got a DUI, which will hurt his chances for employment. He turns 26 in June, and I told my wife that when he does, he has to go.
But all that aside, your situation is 10 times worse than mine.
If I were you, I would give my wife a short timeline, of about 30 days for her to get her kids and grandkids out and would not take no for an answer, because it is not going to get any better. They are all taking you for granted.
Cut your losses - I had to
Cut your losses - I had to let your reply marinate for a little while longer than 30 days. But I gave it a good try. I worked diligently to find a way to change who I am, and learn to find a way to cope. But I just can't. This is the most stressful situation I have ever been in during my years on this planet. My soon to be ex-wife has basically told me that her kids and their issues come before us. Totally against our vows just a few years ago. There's no reason for me to have a BP of 190/95 on a daily basis. There's no reason for me to have to grit my teeth at night because I have no idea when my SD is gonna waltz into my home and bust the bedroom door open to see what her mom is doing. No longer will i have to endure my SS's constant phone calls to my wife about women he's having sex with, but cannot see fit to take his 3 yo baby home with him. NOT MY JOB ANYMORE! So done.
How much is your life worth?
Seriously. We all get just so much time on the clock. Yours is being wasted dealing with all this drama. If someone told you, "OMG, I have certified powers of reading the future. You will have 10 years left on the planet."
Given that advice, what would you do?
If I were you, the first thing I'd do is go out and get my own place. Then I'd have a hard-core conversation with wife that this is where I'll be living for the next six months. During that time, she will need to agree to marital counseling and stop making her adult children the priority.
If she couldn't do that successfully for six months, I'd file for divorce.
2Tired4Drama although I won't
2Tired4Drama although I won't be leaving my home unless I put it up for sale. I have suggested counseling for everyone. Both individually and for us as a married couple. It was like staring at the pinwheel on a mac, waiting for something to happen. I have given it enough time, and I will need to do a re-boot. I have finally reached a point where I can no longer do this. It took a lot out of me to blog about this anonymously, and this alone was a BIG step for me. I put everything on the table, and I explained to my Wife that I would never put anyone before her. However, this is exactly what is taking place as she has made her decision to continue caring fulltime for her now 30 yr old son's, 3 yo child. Again, this is a guy who makes over $1,500/week, has his own house, but can't find a way to take care of his own child. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and I've made it clear to my Father and Mother In Law, and to my Wife that I am done. Once I explained to her that she has made my life a living hell, she is now making accusations about me cheating. This accusation has really solidified my position because I have been nothing but faithful throughout this entire ordeal. I think I found a bad apple, not a diamond at all. I'm a little upset, but curiously relieved. It's kinda like my chest had a strap over it, and someone just removed it. Whether I have 10 years, or 10 seconds left, I plan on doing exactly what I was hoping to do with my wife, but I will just have to settle for doing it solo.
It won't change
I recently lost my husband to cancer in November. We were married for 30 years and he had 3 kids from a previous marriage. When we met, they were teenagers, when he passed they were all in their 40s.
I can give you my own perspective based on my own experience of being a step parent. First, no matter what you do or say, you are just this dude that married their mom. There will never be any kind of respect or acknowledgement, no matter what you try to do to help. Second, they are not going to change, so you have to ask yourself, can you live with this or not? If the answer is no, cut your losses and move on.
My 40 something year old skids never respected anything I did for them or their father, as a matter of fact all I got was resentment. Now, after their dad has passed away, they have ghosted both my son and myself, which to be honest, is a blessing in disguise. The youngest skid, we raised from the time he was 9.
About a month after the funeral the only call I got was from the youngest asking me how I was doing. I thought, wow, one at least I can have a relationship, this was followed by a question with regards to my husbands life insurance policy. When I told him it was in my name and there was not much there, I never heard back from him again.
So, think about how you want to live your life. Lazy, entitled skids, are always going to be lazy and entitled. My middle skid has not had a job in about 10 years, the oldest, about 20 and the youngest tortured my husband for years while he was on and off of drugs and jail.
Think it through, that is all I have to say. I know for myself, I am not sure I could remarry into skidom again. I would rather be single.
Such a sad story.
But it's also very common. I don't have as much time invested as you, Mom, but I certainly understand that MOST skids are not worth any investment - emotional, physical nor financial.
I'm glad you realize their absence from your life is a true blessing. I'm pretty much disengaged from my SD (including her husband and baby) and have learned lessons from others, like you, that it is ultimately a waste of time. Polite but disengaged. That's my motto!
momofoneboy you hit home with
momofoneboy you hit home with that one. I'm starting to hear more stories exactly like yours. The more comments I read, the more I begin to prepare myself mentally for being single.
This was my first thought
It sounds like you love this woman. I would give her an ultimatum -- either the SKs go and she changes, or you go. Set boundaries or she and the SKs will walk all over you. If she really loves you, she will put you over the marriage. Kick SKs out of the house ASAP and give her the amount of time you are willing to have grandbaby. If you do not want to raise another man's child, tell your DW. This has to stop. If she does not prioritize your life now, she never will. I would create some boundaries about when SKs and grandbaby can be in the house and enforce them. I would also speak to FIL and let him know that either she prioritizes you or its over, and he will be by your side.
She may love you, but that does not mean that she will not also take advantage of your kindness and financial support to do what she wants, which appears to be to enable her children to continue to be irresponsible brats who expect others to kiss their bratty butts. I would not allow an adult to live with me and make my life miserable. I put up with it for 9 mos -- the most miserable 9 months of my life and the first 9 months of my marriage -- and it nearly destryoed my loe and respect for my husband. You are newly weds and need to time to adjust to each other. You cannot do that while having SD and grandbaby living with you. Take a stand now or your marriage will not last.
Tough choices
Sounds like you are on your way to 20 more years of raising a child and drama. I would definitely need a therapist alone and with my spouse!
Nope, I'm putting a stop to
Nope, I'm putting a stop to that now. I've done all I can do. The end.
My condolences on the demise
My condolences on the demise of your marriage and I am sorry that your diamond turned out to be nothing but a polished turd. No matter how much a turd may be polished, it is nothing more than a shiney POS. The shine often drowns out the smell and even good people can fall under the spell of the sparkley butt nugget. I did with y XW. Fortuneately I learned from that nighmare and landed in a life with an amazing woman.
Go live a great life. After all, living well is the best revenge.
Take care of you.