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Advice please

Emma_2020's picture

Hi everyone

 

im fairly new here but have been reading for a while and finally feel brave enough to post. I dont know if this is going to turn into soem sort of vent but ill try my best to explain.

Im mum to two girls 13 and 8 and step mum to another girl whos 10. Ive been with my partner for 7 years. We have had issues for a long time with how he is with my children and have recently seen a counsellor re this, due to him not liking cousnellor we only went twice but i did find it helpful him not so much. We have broken up countless times as I just dont feel he is a apositive influence in their lives, by that I mean he barely acknowledges their existance. he never spends any time with just my kids and when he has his daughter for the weekend mine go to their dads so he can spend quality time wiht his daughter. This was raised with the counsellor and he said the reasons for this is due to how close his daughter is with my children she just plays with them all the time and he feels he doenst get any quality time with her at all. fair enough i agreed to this . he works the other weeksnd and we get one sunday every 3 weeks as a whole family, I have lived like this for the last 7 years. We recently broke up again, well i left him as he promsies over and over again to be better with the kids and acknowleges he is pretty ribbish with them but cant give me a reason why he just cant bodn with them, he promises to  make more of an effort and i end up staying but it just never comes. I feel like im constantly on eggshells he only  speaks to them in a negative way to tell them they've done something wrong or left a light on etc, there is never any positive priase or actually any nice conversation. Im fed up with it but dont know what to do anymore. the latest issue for me is im working from home in quite a demanding job , he has been off for 3 months at home also, sheilding so naturally we have done the majority of the childcare/homeschooling from both sides. hes taken to shutting himself and his daughter in her room with the door shut all day long whilst she does her school work and he says hes doing work ( thats the only other desk in the house as im using the office for work daily) My eldest is fine she's  a teen and prefers to be left alone but my little 9 year old i just left alone for most of the day while he shuts hismelf away. he cant see its an issuse. I dont think its normal i tried to talk to him but he just cant  see that I dont think its not normal. Am i being unreasonable im that fed up with going round in circles i just cant seem to see whats right and wrong or whether im over reacting anymore.  Please help any advice would be great. although i know my heart is telling me to leave him.

Emma_2020's picture

Just to add he's dad of the year when his daughetr is round, movie nights, fun days out, fully immersed in her ( as it should be ) playing on her games console with her and involving her friends , they all think he's this cool dad. but as soon as she goes home its like a switch is flicked its like he is two personas we dont watch films or have family time, we dont go anywhere as a family unless we have his daughter. Parent mode is switched off other than to tell my kids off for something trivial. i wanted to add aswell my kids are well behaved, they pick up after themselves, they are still lovely to him asking him how his day has been that sort of thing, theyre really not hard work and im not one of these mothers thats obsessed with her kids so much so that the partner doesnt get any quaility time its not like that, so hes definitely not feeling pushed out.

Kes's picture

I think if your heart is telling you to leave, it's probably right.  If your daughters behave ok with your partner, there is no reason for him to treat them the way he does.  Shutting himself and his daughter in her room all day is not reasonable behaviour at all - he's doing you down as well as your daughters.  I would have some counselling sessions on your own and maybe start planning your exit from this unsatisfying relationship. 

Sour75's picture

It's hard to truly bond with someone else's children, I know that from experience. That being said, if he hasn't found a way in seven years I doubt he ever will. Even knowing how much this hurts you he still hasn't put in the effort. I think you need to accept this is how it will always be and decide if you can live with that. How do your girls feel about him? Are they hurt by this, or is it just what you've observed?

Rags's picture

The only thing that seems to be unreasonable is the break up/make up cycle. Both of you are F-ing all of the kids up beyond reasonable parent induced baggage with this crap.  

If this relationship is not tenable to the point that you are repeatedly breaking up, it is time for both of you to adult up and end it. PERIOD!  No more back and forth crap.  Be adults. Call it a day. Give these kids at least a few years of stability so that they have at least a remote chance of getting over the screwed up example that you and your SO have tormented them all with for the last 7 years.

smh

hereiam's picture

If you've broken up "countless of times", I don't think this is the relationship for you.

Maxwell09's picture

Not everyone is going to like your kids. Have you tried asking him why he avoid them? Like straight up asked him calmly? He could also have some kind of loyalty binds going on where he feels guilty for doing too much for your kids when his own isn't with him. Also ask yourself is this a YOU issue? Have you ever told him what you expected out of him as a stepdad to your children? Maybe he's uncomfortable playing dad to your children when they already have a dad. I think in your situation you should separate and just date until your daughters are grown. The whole break up cycle is a huge sign of immaturity (as is not going to counseling because the therapist doesn't side with you OR running to a therapist because you just want someone to validate your point of view). Find a therapist who specializes in split family dynamics if you want to bother with that at all. 

Doublehelix's picture

I can't imagine any parent being ok with their partner completely ignoring their kids, but maybe also ask yourself how much is sufficient for you, knowing that like others have said, it's not always easy to embrace other people's kids the same way as your own.

Maxwell09's picture

Why? Would you be okay with being required to speak to someone who goes out of their way to disrespect you? Calls family services on you or your children or spouse? Purposely harms others in your household? Or causes chaos because they think they, the child, is the end all be all? 
 

Some of these kids I've read about here over the last 6 or so years make me believe it is completely okay to ignore stepkid behaviors if it isn't in good spirit. Im not saying Ops kids are anything like my examples but we are also only hearing a bio mom's side about her own bio children. Bio parents have trouble seeing the annoying behaviors their own children display. 

Doublehelix's picture

But if that were the case, as OP's partner I'd be wondering why I'm still in the relationship. I'm not much into my partner's kid either - she's annoying but not malicious at least.

Emma_2020's picture

Thank you for those that gave helpful advice, to those that were nasty cheers also for your support.*fool*

I have sat down and asked  him why he doesnt bond with the kids and i also made it very clear right at the start of our relationship that the kids come first all 3 of them , he was the perfect role model for the forst 6 months then it slipped. he hates my ex husband so we were just getting roudn to that with the counsellor but he deneis thats the issue ( i suspect it is)

I dont have trouble seeing annoyitng behaviours at all my kids are discipled when and if needed  but to be honest all 3 kids are very well behaved children , yeha they have moments when they are not which they are reprimanded for but on the whole no all 3 kids are wellbehaved. Im not asking him to play dad they have a very good dad .. im asking him to show a little bit of interest thats all . i ahe sat the girls down recently and both said they dont think he is meant in anyway at all they just would like more effort from him, less pettiness with silly things and less feeling like misfits when his daughter is here ( who i get on very well with by the way)

 

thanks for everyone for taking the time to reply it is appreciated