Anyone wanna help with newbie anxiety
Hi! I'm new. New all over really. I'm 33 and have lived alone or with adult roommates most of my life and I'm about to move in with my new husband and 2.5 children. (Oldest son, 11, lives with him 5-6 days a week, middle girl, 7, (different BM) come over 2 to 3 times a month if he is lucky, youngest girl, 5, visits 1 to 2 times a week.)
It's a lot of change for me. While I am attempting to not throw the way I was raised into the mix, I have a lot of issues:
There's no established bed times
The the youngest has never been to head start or day care (I'm a former teacher and it drives me insane, only hangs with adults, still co-sleeps, cant tie her shoe or count past 10.
I'm trying to mentally create boundaries.
I have a lot of anxiety over all of this. I know what I would b getting into, but the closer and more real it gets... the more terrified I become.
Any advice for a first timer?
2.5 kids, a dog, and a white
2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence...
I know. Hahahahahahaha. There
I know. Hahahahahahaha. There are 3. The middle child he may only see once every 2 weeks or once a month.
If you're hesitant, postpone
If you're hesitant, postpone your wedding. The things you listed are things Dad needs to work on before he's ready to have a wife move-in. Well, unless you're prepared to accept kids running around the house to all hours of the evening/night and a five year old sleeping in your bed a couple nights a week.
He's been working on rules
He's been working on rules and bed times. I don't think the cosleeping will be broken as easy because her mother does the same thing.
He knows he is lazy, he wants
He knows he is lazy, he wants to change and doesn't have the help to do it. When he works late, he will pick the kids up from their mom at 10 at night and they haven't eaten yet. I wish this is him exaggerating, but I've been with him when it happens.
I dont want to move in, but I'm moving to a different state.
Trust your gut. If it feels
Trust your gut. If it feels awful now, then it will only be worse once you are roped into the role of SM. Are you actually married yet? If not, postpone the wedding with a view to honestly re-evaluating why you have chosen to hook up with this circus. The man comes as a package which you must accept if you are going to marry it. Take note that trying to change Anyone's behaviour, let alone four other people, is a losing game.
And at this point there is nothing wrong with annulling the marriage if you change your mind. Next time, take more time to decide your path.
Not married yet, the wedding
Not married yet, the wedding is suppose to be in October. I knew what I was signing up for. I just dont know if I went about it the best way. P.S. Circus is perfect description.
My apologies for not
My apologies for not assuaging your anxieties.
If you already have paperwork with this man you have my condolences. Why would you marry a man who you know is incapable of effectively parenting his children. Whatever you do.... don't procreate with him. You already know how he parents and I for one would not want to sacrifice my own child on his alter of abject parental failure.
Good luck.
No paperwork yet. I thought
No paperwork yet. I thought about his parenting abilities while thinking about marrying him. He just moves in survival mode without much guidance or assistance.
A big N. O. on giving birth from me. I never planned on giving birth. Regardless of who I married. I thought at most I would adopt.
Thank you for the advice.
You seem to be confidently in
You seem to be confidently in a good place internally. Just don't forget to take care of you. This guy won't be much help in that I don't think.
Enjoy your life.
You have anxiety for good
You have anxiety for good reason.
I would not move in until a discussion is had and household rules are agreed upon. Then, I still would not move in until I made sure he was making some changes and properly parenting his children. Which will be an issue, because he probably thinks he's doing fine.
Yes, he undoubtedly thinks
Yes, he undoubtedly thinks he's doing fine. You must ask him very bluntly: "Is all this working for you? Are you planning to co-parent with me? Will I be the lady of the house? Or will I be someone who must quietly suck it all up and never have any authority over how my home is run?"
If he, by some miracle, knows he's a mess and really wants your help and input, perhaps you can work together. (Interesting that he chose a schoolteacher--but don't let him turn you into the nanny, either. They are HIS responsibility, not yours)
But chances are he will say, "huh?" Believe us when we say you will be utterly miserable if you move in now without any sincere agreement about making changes together in the household and a clear vision of your status as an adult homeowner.
He knows he isnt. He worries
He knows he isnt. He worries about his own skills as a parent. We have discussed rules and boundaries, time will tell if he has executed them.
Abandon ship!!!
Abandon ship!!!
I know... right!
I know... right!
We arent married yet. I
We arent married yet.
I actually REALLY like the blunt advice. The people around me have all said go for it because they want to see me happy. I would have been the person to say "hey... not the best idea kid". But, here I am.
He has 3 children with 2 different women. The oldest and the youngest were with a woman he was with off and on for 10 years. She kinda of killed his self-esteem and whatnot. The middle child was by a woman he was seeing during a "break" (*cue FRIENDS... WE WERE ON A BREAK). There are questions running though his family of the middle childs DNA.
You are correct, if I go though with this, I have no one to blame but myself.
I guess my hope is I can help some how. Maybe if there is another example of how to live and exists, they would know that maybe its a good idea to go to bed, study and eat vegetables.
I dont know, I'm not usually much of a dreamer.
To answer your question. The
To answer your question.
The best advise I can offer you is to find a GREAT therapist. Tell her/him you want her to help you see that THIS current relationship will continue to bring you great pain IF you decide to stay based on everything you told us.
GoodLuck
We talked about a therapist
We talked about a therapist pretty early on.
My situation was not nearly
My situation was not nearly as dramatic (not saying that in a condescending way) as yours.
For background... I got engaged when my (now SS) was 15. He was a punk. He acted like most teenage boys (I hear) with angst, raging hormones, and a father who had never enforced ANY sort of rules. EVER. The years (2) that I lived with my husband and that child I wanted to throw myself off a bridge on a daily basis. Asking him to put his own dishes in the dishwasher was like asking him to kill kittens. It was ridiculous.
Guidance...
1) Make rules you and your husband will stick to. BELIEVE you can both stick to them.
2) Write them down (and though it sounds antiseptic) sign a document that lays out those rules. Memory becomes hazy when one/both parties is not getting his/her way.
3) Breaking of 2) stated rules must bear consequences (for child/father/you, etc.) if violated; There will be times (likely many) rules will be broken but sometimes a husband paid spa vacation for you and a girlfriend will make it easier to bear for you and tougher on his checkbook... err, conscious; Meaning, you'll be a little less ticked off
4) Once all this other stuff is in place... make sure you have a sanctuary in your home... I have a bedroom that I use as my office (comfy sofa, TV, dim lighting, etc.) that is MY space where I can escape when the rest of the circus is too much for me
Good luck and keep us in the loop on how things are going!
Pink
I like the idea of writing
I like the idea of writing things down. That will help on our end. As for the 11 year old boy I'm going to have to deal with, I know that is all uphill battle.
This will never change Hon,
This will never change Hon, never, BF will always allow his kids to do what ever they want and you have a different view on this. You have some hard thinking to do.... if this man really worth it... if yes, then suck it up and know this will be your life for ever, if you think this man is not worth all the anxiety... simply keep living on your own, do not move in with him and do not get married, you can still date and spend time together when the kids are not there... but you will have to think hard and long how your future will be and how you want it...
This man will not change for you,
I really hope he makes the
I really hope he makes the attempt, more so for himself.
I've been thinking about
I've been thinking about that. Just getting my own place.
Thanks for the advice from
Thanks for the advice from everyone so far! I appreciate all of it and want to respond to each of you.
A little more back story: We have agreed on finding a therapist from the start because it would b a big transition for both of us. I also have access to a house across the street if I need to get away. There are a lot of red flags. WE waited 12 years for the opportunity to be single at the same time. and have dated/been engaged long distance for over 2 years He is aware there are issues and wants to change. He has started enforcing some rules before I move in.
Again. Any and all advice is welcomed.
You waited 12 years? What
You waited 12 years? What does that mean? You had a crush on him when you were 11?
It's just confusing.
I was engaged for several years long distance. It was hell when we finally moved in together (he moved to my town) -- and his son was an adult and moved with him to go to college nearby. SS was definitely the priority -- because that's they way it had always been between them. Two single guys acting like assholes. If I could change history, that would be top of my list.
We dated in college when we
We dated in college when we were 19 (me) and 20 (him). We reconnected when I was 31 and he 32.
Nothing against SAHM parents
Nothing against SAHM parents here, but there I have noticed a huge difference in children that have been raised with a parent at home, and one raised with daycare assistance.
My SS13 is a spoiled, lazy, attention seeking brat, and he was coddled by his mom. He still is. It took me a long time to realize this. The fact that you have recognized it early in your situation is good.
I would make a list of ground rules before you move in, with the idea that if they are not met, a "trial period" will end and you can move apart again. Co-sleeping at age 5 is not good for anyone involved, and that should be on the list for sure.
You still have a chance to change things before they get ugly!