From the Beginning
Forums:
I've read some things on this site about disengagement, and was just curious about something. It seems like for the most part, most people decide to disengage after they have made a lot of effort to be a part of the Skid's lives, and they feel like they are being treated like crap so they give up. But is there anyone here who has made the decision to disengage from the beginning? Like you would only be as involved with your skid as you absolutely needed to be?
It did not take me long at
It did not take me long at all. I disengaged from SS and BM from almost the very beginning. Maybe after a month or so.
I could already tell no good would come of me trying to “fix” SS, DH or BM.
Are there people that choose
Are there people that choose to disengage in the beginning even if there are not surrounded by chaos? I should have in included this in my post. Like people that only want to be as involved as they have to be, but there aren't really any specific reasons why?
I think I get what you are
I think I get what you are asking. I guess my question would be to why engage in the first place to the extent of being seen as a parental figure? The only reason I did, for the VERY short amount of time, was because of DH.
I think most SMs and SDads should be like a friendly aunt/uncle. Not a parent/authority figure.
Yes this is exactly what I
Yes this is exactly what I mean. I would rather not be viewed as a second mother or here to replace anyone's mother. I would rather have a relationship that's more like a friendly aunt/uncle like you mentioned.
That is the best way to do
That is the best way to do it! Just don't let your DH or OH talk you into anything more.
Well unfortunately I've made
Well unfortunately I've made the mistake of letting my skid call me Mom
She did ask first, but I felt too uncomfortable at the time to say no. I would rather be called by first name, or some nickname that we agree upon. She usually visits during the summer. It will be a while before I have to see her again. So if she asks again, the next time will I ask to be called by my first name.
I think that the best thing
I think that the best thing is if they call you by your name especially if they have a BM still in the picture.
My view was that I was their father's wife and that I had a vested interest in the kids not turning out to be leaches on society (i.e. our pocketbooks for life)
I did basically let the relationship develop naturally. I didn't have a problem disciplining them when they were in our home. I gave them chores and reprimands when needed. I also talked with their DH about decisions that affected the children and we presented united fronts on things that way. We didn't have the discussions in front of the kids though. DH expected the kids to be respectful and I wouldn't say my relationship was that of a friend though it was friendly. I would even go so far as to say that on some level I love the girls. Maybe it's not the same love as a bio would have. In fact, probably not but I do care about both of them.
I did not try to replace mom at all but I did do nice things for the girls. I actually did dial that back after a bit though because BM seemed to get more ballistic if I did get them stuff.
Yes that is how I felt all
Yes that is how I felt all last summer when she called me Mom. I cringed every time I heard it!
My level of disengagement
My level of disengagement started from the get go, which was basically to involve myself when I wanted.
There was not chaos with my SD, just her mother, who I have ALWAYS been COMPLETELY disengaged from (SD is now 24, she was 5 in the beginning).
I have never wanted children and DH was a very hands-on dad so I did not have to do anything for my SD if I didn't want to. I watched her once, for a couple of hours when DH had to work (so, never got stuck as the default babysitter, like some).
I did nothing that I would come to regret later. I didn't spend tons of money on her (some but not enough to be resentful about), I didn't spend more time doing girly stuff with her than I felt like, and I didn't spend too much effort trying to "help" her (she is a lazy, jobless, co-dependent), once I figured out it was a losing battle. DH still tries to convince her to do something with her life but I stay out of it, makes no difference to me.
Neither my DH or SD gave me a reason to totally disengage but I didn't want to be totally engaged, either.
But be very careful how you
But be very careful how you tell her you dont want her calling you mom anymore. How old is she?
She is 10. It will be a
She is 10. It will be a while before I see her again and I'm almost certain she will ask again if she can call me Mom. So the opportunity will most likely present itself for her to ask me to call me by my first name.
We've tried several different
We've tried several different things to deal with the adult skids.
Thus far no success.
At first I tried building a good friendly interactions. Until SD blew her mind and suddenly decided she didn't like me. Embarrassed both of us as we were walking into a restaurant.
She told her dad she would apologize. That was 2yrs,ago.
Since then we have tried to be around SD but she finds ways to make me upset.
So then we tried not seeing them. To see if they'd knock it off.
That didn't work Bc then they thought it's nice to be making us upset.
Then we did the approach of not me being around them. And he met them at his dad's and or a place to eat. But that was caving in to them I thought. So I was just around SD just recently and she started crap again .Bc both the skids said they wanted to start doing things with us. Cough. I had regrets and suddenly was finding myself being in a pond with phrannas again. Omg it failed again.
And he's like I'm so embarrassed they told me they had changed.
I didn't say I told you so. But I was so mad .
Now DH wants to go to counseling to get advice.
I say he go for it and tell me how it went. Bc I'm tired of getting kicked to the curb.
Why invest time in spoiled controlling skids.
But it's not out of the question yet.
We got into it again last night Bc he seems to be not backing me up. And asked an alcoholic mom who hasn't ever been able to have a good marriage about why I'm upset over his daughter and her poking hot coals up my ass.
She of course wasn't there and isn't me. Like really.
If anyone knows,how to effectively deal with grown arrogant hateful skids please do share the magic of that.
My sister's husband started
My sister's husband started out that way with my nephew, his SS. Just ignored the kid for the most part. All my brother-in-law cares about are his own daughters. My sister's SD's come first in everything, my nephew is not even a consideration
My nephew didn't seem to mind, he wasn't interested in my brother-in-law much either.
My sister wasn't too happy about that, but even worse, whenever my brother-in-law would do the odd nice thing for his SS, my nephew would just think that was the best thing ever....like when my brother-in-law was making lunch for his daughters, like he did everyday, there was a little left over so he wrote a note to my nephew saying there was lunch there for him too. This was so he didn't have to throw it out, not because he actually was doing anything nice for my nephew.
My sister said she could not believe how thrilled my nephew was, and how she just didn't get that. She falls over backwards for her husband's kids and they appreciate absolutely nothing, her husband does just the smallest insignificant thing ever for her son, and my nephew is raving about it
Maybe that's the secret?!
When I met my DH his son was
When I met my DH his son was in his 20s. DH and BM had SS30 as the result of a ONS years after their divorce. DH had been married to his second wife for about 15 years before they divorced. I arrived on the scene years after all of this.
So as far as I was concerned BM and 2nd wife did not exist. DH had been divorced from both for years before I met him. Not my problem.
I am not one who believes that minor children should be ignored. But adult skids are on their own. No adults get a voice in my life. period.
But SS30 and his issues are so not my problem. SS and his GF and baby can rot in hell as far as I am concerned - not my problem.
I never truly engaged, by my
I never truly engaged, by my own choice. Easier as SO moved into my house and I paid the bills so I got final say about who stays over and for how long. Right from the get go I was clear I had no interest in step parenting.
So I just say " you knew that was part of the package when we started dating".
I get loads of pressure from family members and the typical justifications about SD being part of the package when dating a man with kids so I get a sick little kick out of spinning the phrase around to suit me
Wow, bravo for spinning that
Wow, bravo for spinning that phrase around!! Everyone wants to throw that phrase into the step parent's face all the time it seems (you knew he had kids when you started dating, they are package deal, etc.)Wish I would have thought of that!