Blended Family Complications - Raising three teens
I am a re-married man for almost 3 years and I have custody of my 15 year old girl and 16 year old son. Through this marriage I have a step daughter 18. My wife and I seem to argue and fight a lot regarding all 3 teens because of what they do or have done or both. Since the beginning we have always compared each others kid to the other, saying she did this and he did that and just comparing overall my two kids to her kid and comparing who did what and which is worse for a teen to do, I hate it..., basically tit for tat and I am exhausted from this stupid competition we have had ongoing for 3 years. I realize it is rare for a father two have full cusody of his kids but I am hoping someone out there has a similiar situation with all the teens from their blended family are always home to cause this friction in our home. All three teens are good kids who make mistakes some worse than others The biological mother of my two kids goes to their biological mother's every other weekend and my step daughter is always home. She does not have a good relationship with her biological father and I am not sure why but she is home every weekend as a result. My relationship with her is okay, she is a quite teen.
A lot of blended families
A lot of blended families seem to have the "us against them" mentality. But it SHOULD be the parent as a united front to the children...instead the situation is worse then it has to be because its family against family...which will hardly form one family successfully. Never compare kids, bio or step. They're all different people. They should abide by the same rules and expectations, yes, but the way they react and respond in virtually every sitauation will vary at least a little. Try to change the us vs. them mentality and talk to your wife about how it SHOULD me...parents vs. kids! Good luck.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Hi, I agree with a lot of
Hi, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I think that the problem as you put it is (us vs. them) when it should be (Parents vs kids). Unfortunately, it is easier said than done when for 3 years it has been (us vs them)more often than I think we would like. This really sucks because once the kids come up, whoa! look out...now we are fighting and we are both sick of it but it still keeps happening. We have both referred to our kids as "your kids" "my son" "my daughter" etc..it has put a wedge between us as a whole family and I want to be a whole whole family not us vs them. Thanks again your comments helped, keep them coming please...
Our House
DH has full custody of his high maintenance son 16 -and my 24 yr old is finishing a few courses, works, pays rent and has a life -he is living with us until September-
DH compares his high maintenance teen to the 24 yr old-I just keep repeating that it is apples to oranges in this case and refuse to even get into the comparison crap-
Clear rules and transparency are paramount in my opinion with teens-
maybe 5 teens at home on this site has a few pointers!!!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Having
serenity in a home with teenage kids from one set of bioparents is almost impossible. Add the step situation/divorce/remarriage/adolescence/perimenopause/the economy/...........................
hang in there. Strap on your helmet, jump in the trench, and pray.
Try to be quiet when it comes to her kids. She should keep quiet when it comes to your kids. But, EVERYONE should follow the same rules.
The rules should be the same for everyone
That way you avoid but your kid did "________". But that is easier said than done. I have fought for rules and have lost in my home, so it ends up that I raise my kids my way and he raises his, his way. Definately not what I wanted.
Hang in there.
Our rules are the same for
Our rules are the same for everyone, the problem occurs when one of our kids do wrong. Then we say hey look what your kid did and at the same time we are glad it was not our own kid who did wrong so it becomes competitive...I don't think we could ever raise our kids differently, we have always been consistant with our upbrining of all three of them.
We have a united front
Occasionally we don't, but we strive for it. Ironically, the new counselor told my H the other day that our united front is what SD is so angry and uncomfortable about, b/c he and BM weren't and SD was quite comfortable in that arrangement. You just can't win in this blended stuff, can ya?
Our situation is different in that SD is borderline and we are having difficulty with getting her properly diagnosed, treated, etc. We do not live in a very good area for child psychiatrists, and on top of that our insurance is very limited as to the few who are here.
My exH and his wife have a more similar situation to yours, only her kids are there all the time, and ours are week to week/ 50/50. I think that makes things stressful. It does here as SD's BM is also likely borderline and therefore they can't handle each other anymore and BM no longer takes her more than 2-4 nights a month. So her negativity is always here.
I don't have much advice to give. I'm not in that sort of place today myself. I do think counseling is helpful, and even though DH and I agree and get along very well, I think we're headed back b/c of SD's mental health always being too much of a driving force in our home.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
I think it is great that you are united
It is better for everyone in the long run. Sd is probably mad because she cannot come between you and Dh.