BM's tearful, "desperate" phone call...and of course it's MY fault everybody's upset
I had a nice, drama-free weekend with no skids around, until last night.
BM called DH up at about 9:00pm, just hysterical. I could hear her loud and clear and I wasn't even near DH when he was talking to her.
She was crying so hard at first that DH couldn't understand her. He had to wait for her to calm down before she could talk. You'd think her whole family had just been murdered, the way she was bawling and howling on the other end of the line. I don't even react anymore. I just stand there, looking the other way and rolling my eyes, wondering what the drama is about THIS time.
Turns out, SS9 was crying because *I* don't pay enough attention to him. That's what BM was sobbing about. She said that she spent over an hour trying to get SS9 to stop crying because I don't ever talk to him. And...that's about it. That's what all the fuss was about. DH was on the phone with BM for about ten minutes (at least half that time was him just standing there, waiting for her to stop crying so she could talk where he could understand what she was saying), and then he talked to SS9 for about half an hour.
He walked off upstairs while talking to SS9, went in our bedroom, and shut the door where I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, so I don't know how that conversation went. I was able to hear from BM before he went upstairs that SS9 was "SUPER UPSET" over the fact that when he comes to our house, I never talk to him or interact with him.
That, I might add, is 100% false. I DO talk to him. Not a lot, true, but the only time that kid acknowledges my existence is when he wants something from me. He either wants me to make him something to eat, or he's asking me to fetch something for him. I never get a "Hello," "Good morning," "Good night," or anything else out of this kid. He NEVER has anything to say to me any other time, and I really don't have anything to say to him because I get sick of his whining. Nothing about this kid is likeable or endearing in any way, I'm sorry to say.
So DH gets off the phone, and he comes back downstairs. "Well, SS9 is really upset, ncgal. He says you never talk to him or interact with him."
We'd had this discussion a few days prior, and now BM has gotten in on it, too. She's all bent out of shape over it and has given DH marching orders to adjust my attitude toward SS9, PRONTO.
The conversation that went on between DH and me after that was nothing short of explosive. "YOU HATE MY KIDS!" "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM AT ALL!" "WHY CAN'T YOU EVER TALK TO THEM!"
After several minutes of this, I was left speechless. I truly had nothing to say, and I told him so. I spend most of my time on the weekends when we're at home cleaning and doing other things I don't have time to do during the week, and weeknights? Ugh, forget about it. I don't have time to interact with my OWN kids, let alone worry about what darling little SS9 expects out of me.
I HAD to get out of that house, away from DH, away from the drama, away from EVERYTHING.
I'm not proud to admit it, but I grabbed my purse and keys, hopped in the car, and drove off. I went to a bar and had a drink and some dinner, sat there and watched TV and just fumed.
By the time I got back home (I took my sweet time getting back), DH was already in bed. We haven't spoken a word to each other since.
I'm just...at a loss as to how to deal with this. I can NOT interact with this kid. He's just - I don't even know how to describe him other than to call him an attention whore and an energy vampire.
If I have time to interact with anybody (which I often don't), I'm going to hang out with my own kids. I'm all they have. Their father's not in their lives at this point, and they really don't have anybody else other than me. I keep trying to tell DH that my kids are my main priority, but he's just not hearing me.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Honestly, I don't. Now that BM's involved, it's now escalated even further because she's so pissed off at me.
I feel like it's BM, DH, and all three skids against me, and I don't even feel welcome or wanted in my own home. I have NO idea how this is going to work out, but I have a feeling it's going to get worse before it gets better.
Wow. DH + BM + SS9 verses
Wow. DH + BM + SS9 verses ncgal. Not cool. Sounds like it's almost time DH went back to his "real" family and made another go of it, for as much as he's not supporting you. The moment DH gave BM more than 10 seconds of ranting about you, you had to know he doesn't have your back.
I've followed your posts and literally cringe at your stories. I think you're in the middle of a war you aren't ever going to win.
You are being tag-teamed good
You are being tag-teamed good and your DH is sucked right in (if not leading the pack I might add). You have one clever BM on your hands. Unfortunately, she knows the power of her manipulation over her ex-husband. I have told my OH that his ex studied him for years and therefore knows what buttons to push on him to get her desired result.
Unfortunately, there is no convincing DH that your SS9 is not suffering from a lack of SM affection. If he really is a vampire sucking energy sucker (which I don't doubt because of my own experience), then you will NEVER be able to give him enough. Not to mention that all the resentment that has built up, how do we go bouncing off to the ice cream store and movies with these little skids when we will simply crunch down in a couple days waiting for the next tsunami wave to hit us that they are going to cause.
You are in my thoughts for a good end result, but I really don't know what to say except I feel your pain.
If I even tried to engage SS9
If I even tried to engage SS9 more, he'd be happy for a day or two. Then he'd expect even MORE. That's what he does. He expects every adult in his vicinity to kiss his ass 24/7, and when they don't, he gets really upset and cries. He cries about everything that he feels isn't fair to him. He doesn't like it when I pay attention to my kids. He doesn't like it when I try to have a one-on-one conversation with DH that doesn't involve him. He cries all the damn time when he feels he's not getting 100% of somebody's attention, and I get SO sick of it.
"Just play with him." Oh yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want to do, DH! After his dramafests every five seconds...God I can't WAIT to sit down and play tiddlywinks with his ungrateful ass so then he can cry later that I didn't play long enough!
I'm sick to my stomach, thinking about what I'm going to have to go home to this evening. I miss looking forward to the end of my work day and going home. Hell, I can't even look forward to it now when the skids aren't there, because BM can call up any time she wants and ruin THOSE weeks, too.
If I even tried to engage SS9
If I even tried to engage SS9 more, he'd be happy for a day or two. Then he'd expect even MORE. That's what he does. He expects every adult in his vicinity to kiss his ass 24/7
I've experienced that exact same dynamic with both my SD12 and SD8 - the more I give, the more they demand, and it quickly spirals into a never-ending cycle of skid memememe mineminemine moremoremore behavior. It's exhausting and unhealthy and insatiable. I too have checked-out of the business of trying to give more to a skid, it simply doesn't work.
If my ex called up with some
If my ex called up with some bullshit like this, I'd have laughed and hung up on his stupid ass.
BM is as much an attention-seeker as SS9. She stood there with SS9 in her presence, having a full-blown shit fit over this issue. Thanks for reinforcing it and making him feel totally justified in his righteous outrage and crying fit over feeling ignored by the wicked stepmother, BM! That's awesome!
The skids will be back at our
The skids will be back at our house tonight, and I DREAD IT. I'll get to hear yet again how I don't dote on SS9. SS7 and SS8 have never expressed this concern, and I interact with them about as much as I do with SS9. With all three of them, I don't exist until they want something from me. I get SO tired of that. It'd be nice if they ever just walked up and wanted to just talk, without expecting me to do something for them at the end of it, but it never happens.
There are just so many of them. Five boys, all under the age of 10, in my house every other week. I am SO outnumbered in my house, and I don't feel like I belong there. All I do is keep my head down and keep on working, because it helps me forget the way I feel there and it keeps me busy.
I try to do more housework on the weeks that the skids are there so DH can have more time with them. They're there to visit with HIM, after all. I don't do it because DH expects me to. I do it as a courtesy. I've tried explaining that to him, but anymore it just seems like everything I say goes in one ear and right out the other.
Any time the skids start acting like assholes, DH just explains it away with "Oh, they're just kids. That's the way kids act." Well, MINE don't act that way! He says, "All kids behave that way. It's totally normal, ncgal, and you're making a big deal out of nothing. Just play with them. Enjoy their time here."
Huh. It's NOT that simple!
"DH which part of MY kids are
"DH which part of MY kids are MY priority did you not understand? Which part of the kid is attention seeking did you miss? How the fuck can he be soooo upset he is bawling at BM's yet was perfectly fucking fine when you dropped him off did you miss? Your getting played by a child and your exwife and if you EVER speak to me in that tone of voice again your going to find divorce papers in your hand and your shit in the street. Are we clear?"
Mean it, and stand your ground!
You need to make your DH more scared of pissing YOU off than he is of BM being upset/ kids attention seeking/ etc.
^^this^^ find your powerful
^^this^^ find your powerful voice.
I'm agreeing with
I'm agreeing with 'just.his.wife' comments above and I've not read anything above that other than commiseration (which is nice but not helpful). Try hand writing a letter and telling him this is your final communication on the subject. List out all the statements you've made to him on disengagement and point out his other kids don't have this problem.
Take several days to write this out on your computer than hand write its final form. It has more impact that way.
Close by making it clear that things are not going to change. You're not folding to a nine year old child and a ex-wife. Either he accepts you as a non-parent or he moves on as you have to think of your kids and yourself first.
OC, I like the idea of the
OC, I like the idea of the hand-written letter. I'm going to do that. I'm also going to give him a copy of the web page regarding disengaging that you often send to people in your responses. Maybe it will help him understand this situation better, and see that, no, I'm NOT the only step-parent who feels this way.
He seems to think that I'm the one with the problem here, and that ALL kids act just like his, so I need to understand that and start "acting right".
There are certain things that I will NEVER be okay with: back-talk, ignoring me when I tell them to do something, only speaking to me when they want something, and just general disrespect. I have no idea why DH puts up with that - he wasn't raised that way as far as I can tell - but I can't change that. If DH and and BM truly believe these kids are fine and see no need to work on their attitudes, there's not much else I can do here.
It's either disengage completely, or get a divorce, which I'm trying like hell to avoid.
What is BM on? Nothing as
What is BM on? Nothing as far as I know, but I'm starting to think she needs to be. Crazy ass.
I really didn't have anything to say last night. I was speechless. DH is furious with me right now because he thinks I'm heartless and that I don't care. Well, honestly, anymore? I don't. I can't give a shit about this entitled, attention-seeking brat anymore.
I've tried so many times to explain the situation, and how I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. I'm busy all the time with this or that at home, and I feel bad for neglecting my OWN kids. Now I've got BM, DH, and SS9 all ganging up on me because I don't talk to him enough. It's just more than I can take.
All I could say last night was, "I got...I got nothing, DH. I'll see you later." Then I left. That was the last time we talked, and that was at about 9:45 last night.
That kid played his BM and
That kid played his BM and DH. You need to continue doing what you are doing, this is crazy. If your lucky like me, the kid will no longer want to be in your house. Lots of drama before that and still happens occasionally, but the daily crap like this and blame the SM for everything went away.
This is not your problem, this is theirs.
OP let me get this straight,
OP let me get this straight, your Dh accuses you of not caring and yet it sounds to me you are doing lots of thoughtful things to HELP DH out in order for him to have time for skid and you have also mentioned in older posts with all of your responsibilities it leaves you with little to no time with your own kids.
Why are you sacrificing your relationship and precious time with YOUR kids running around exhausted and then this is what you get from DH? At what point are you going to realise that if are forced to do the "time" with DH ranting, punishing you, giving air time to BM (unforgivable) then why not actually DO the crime?! Yep, start to not give a shit. Its really very empowering and it reduces your stress massively, but you have to find that special place and actually put it in practice!
I remember DH having the same screaming match at me because he felt I hated ss, I didnt care, I constantly picked on his kid (nope but guess what I did expect ss to be polite, interact with me and guests instead of ignoring me and guests, have rules and not be treated like he was 2 when he was 8!), DH would listen to some crap BM spouted about me -I didnt spend enough time with ss so that meant I hated him (I think I went out for lunch with a friend for a few hours that motivated that vile spewing session from BM that time...). The thing is, what I realised both DH and BM and ss were complaining about me, was the fact I didnt worship ss, I had expectations and rules the child NEEDED to follow because it was in the childs interest that he was treated like a human being VS a mini god, as who knows what monster he would become otherwise and that doesnt exactly inspire popularity! They hate you as you are delivering an unpopular message to them and you are refusing to be controlled by them.
Talking is alllll well and good, but you have admitted DH does NOT listen and likely thats because he doesnt believe you will DO anything about the current situation. He feels he has the right to act in this manner and you must take it. I learnt a valuable lesson when embroiled in a similar situation as you, that talk is cheap and action is EVERYTHING.
Dh finally realised I had had enough and was serious when I disengaged from HIM. I always ensured I was in control and would never put up with DH speaking to me about things I had already told him about/explained as well as the screaming and nastiness.
So stop doing those extra stuff that enables dh to have more time to do whatever. Its not being horrible, its about realising that dh does not have your back, he is not prioritising you and therefore the same rules apply to him. He starts screaming "sorry dh, I will not stand here calmly talking to you while you are disrespecting me...or....I have already explained my position on this and yet you are ignoring that and are yet again disrespecting me, I will no longer discuss this..." then DONT! You need to take back that control lovely and stop dreading your home life. Skids there? You take yours out to eat. Skids laundry, thats dhs problem. He accuses of hating ss? Dont answer him. You have already soooo many times, so why argue with a nutjob who is intent on continuing the cycle of nastiness and disney dad behaviour. His choice to behave that way, your choice not to listen or respond.
Enstein was right when he said, the definition of insanity is continuing to do something the same ans yet expecting different results. HE isnt going to change, so you must. Your marriage will more than likely fail, given how dh behaves and treats you, so its up to you to either show dh what a fool he is (while minimising skid and dh stress-let dh howl to the moon from now on asmyou arent listening and do NOT rise to any outrageous accusations which he WILL employ to get you to reengage and argue back) and realise you need to prioritise you and yours or continue as it is as you will go mad!
See, that's what really
See, that's what really pisses me off the most. It's the icing on the cake. I've let him know in the past, multiple times, that when the skids are here, I try to do more work around the house so he won't have to, freeing up time that he can spend with his kids. I CHOSE to do that. He didn't ask me to or even expect me to, but I did choose to do it, and it's okay.
But then, after all that work, if I have a few minutes at night, YES, I choose to spend it with my kids, in their respective rooms, reading a story or just talking for a minute before they go to bed. DH wants me to read to his kids and tuck them in at night, and I'm not using my precious few minutes before bed time on his kids. Sorry, I'm just NOT. My own kids are waiting for me to read them a story (my 4-year-old) or to come tell him good night and chat a bit (my 9-year-old).
DH seems to resent the fact that I give my kids individual attention at night, but I'm not even going to dignify that with comment. NEVER ONCE has he read my 4-year-old a bedtime story. NEVER ONCE has he peeked into BS9's room to say good night. NEVER ONCE has he tucked either of my kids in, or done ANYTHING for them to help them get ready for bed. Yet he continues to think I'm heartless and selfish because I refuse to do it for HIS kids.
There's a glaring double standard here, and DH refuses to see it. It's sickening, and gives me no hope for our future. He's so far up his own kids' asses that he can't even see daylight anymore!
It makes me see red when he
It makes me see red when he says that. "Just play with them!" Dear GOD that pisses me off. The mere thought of playing with them repulses me. I have so much built-up resentment toward these kids. I can't explain it in a way that DH understands, though, and that's my problem. He takes EVERYTHING personally. "Oh, so you're saying I'm a bad parent?" "Oh, so you think your kids are so much better than mine?!" "Oh, so you don't think I love my kids and I don't take good care of them?"
I can't even finish a damn sentence before he launches off with one of the above statements, interspersed with "You don't love my kids!" and "Well, they're just behaving like ALL kids do! They can't help it if they act that way!" (BULLSHIT!)
DH doesn't interact with his kids any more than I do. More often than not, he's doing stuff around the house, too, along with me. He's not sitting around on his ass, which I'm thankful for and tell him I appreciate, but yeah, like me, most of the time he's too damn busy with other stuff to play with his kids or interact with them beyond "Stop that, please" or "Please come clean up your mess."
(He ASKS them to do stuff, which they ignore until he asks four or five times, then gets pissed and YELLS at them.)
He'd argue with you if you said to him that he basically ignores the skids, too, but I'm there and witness it first-hand every other week. He never sits down and plays with them, or just chats with them. Not that I've seen, anyway.
Every time I try to point this out, and ask why I'm expected to do it with the skids when even HE can't find the time or energy to do it, he blows up and says "THAT'S NOT TRUE! I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH MY BOYS!"
No. He really doesn't. He'll send them outside to play (which they hate, then come back in within five minutes to get back on the Xbox), or he'll tell them to go find something to do, but NO, he doesn't interact with them.
It doesn't really matter, though, if I can't get him to see it. It does me no good to point these things out when he's just not hearing me, at all, when I talk about these things. Doesn't matter how true it is if the person you're talking to refuses to listen.
It sound like your DH doesn't
It sound like your DH doesn't think he's a good parent. Deep down he knows and rather than face this he project's his own insecurities onto you. It also sounds like you try to please him and resent that he doesn't see and appreciate the things you do for him.
You come at him from a place of resentment and he fires back with insecurity. It's a no win situation. You can't change him but you can change how you deal with it. If you are resentful own that and express it as that. I'm resentful that ..... and I need your help overcoming my resentments opens up communications. You don't respect me and your kids do ..... creates defensiveness.
In essence, what SS told BM is that you don't like him. It seems from your posts he is picking up on the resentment you obviously feel. I don't think DH or BM handled this well. Rather than acknowledge that SS has feelings and giving him suggestions at how to work on the relationship they are putting the blame on you. They reinforced the idea that you are an enemy.
You have to find a way to get rid of your resentment. It's not healthy. Likewise your DH needs to get over his insecurities. Write the letter but make it about what you want and not what your not getting from your relationship.
"It sound like your DH
"It sound like your DH doesn't think he's a good parent. Deep down he knows and rather than face this he project's his own insecurities onto you."
I think he believed he was a good parent until I came along. I had to deal with his kids and their nasty attitudes, and I had the gall to point out that I wasn't okay with it. It shook up his world, and I think it's affected the way he feels about me. Well, hey. Don't shoot the messenger.
I do have a lot of resentment toward these kids, and DH's attitude that I need to do more and more and more for them is only making that resentment worse. He can't see that. He thinks I'm just being stubborn and shirking my responsibilities to his kids. I had no idea he had these expectations before we got married. It all only came up after the fact, and now I'm stuck dealing with it on a daily basis with no escape beyond divorce, which I'd really like to avoid, but as we go on, it looks more and more like divorce is the only option left beyond me giving in and being these kids' slave, which I will NOT do.
Sounds like you've got an
Sounds like you've got an ultimatum on your hands. DH wants you to choose his 'family' with SS9 & BM, and SS8 and SS7 tied for second with your own kids just slightly ahead of your last place position. Or else he'll give you the cold shoulder, yell at you, undermine you, and permanently damage or destroy your relationship together.
Whereas, it sounds to me, you thought the two of you would be a happy adult unit of love, with each of you taking the lead in parenting your own kids yet providing support and backup for a happy home life.
I don't understand why your vision isn't on DH's list of possibilities.
I'm supposed to just be okay
I'm supposed to just be okay with the fact that his kids are selfish little assholes. This is supposed to be fine because, after all, "They're just kids and can't help the way they act!"
Oh, sorry DH! I keep forgetting that! Let me go paint my smile back on and put on my Happy Stepmommy costume!
For fuck's sake...
There are just some behaviors from kids that I WILL NOT tolerate. I don't put up with it from my own, and when his kids start up with their bullshit (which they usually do before they can even get through the damn front door), I immediately disengage. I'm out of there - off to another part of the house, or just gone to my happy place in my head while I try my best to tune them out.
Barking orders at adults, demanding constant attention and favors, whining about every damn thing they can think of...NO. "Turn on the computer. Look up some stuff for me on the internet. Print me off some pictures that I can color. Fix me a snack. I want some crackers. Get the cheese out and cut it for my Tricuits. Go find my shoes. Bring me a tissue." GOOD GOD IT NEVER ENDS.
I answer everything with "You need to go find your dad. He'll do it for you."
Ooh, bad bad ncgal! DH hates it when I won't bow to their every whim, but I've been ignoring that shit for months now, and that's not going to change. Just saying over and over "You don't love my kids!" isn't going to change the way I deal with their NON-STOP demands.
I will not tolerate that. Not from any adult, and certainly not from any child.
It's going to destroy our marriage if DH can't figure that out, and I mean REALLY REALLY quickly.
I think the fact that they
I think the fact that they can NEVER be bothered to say "Please" or "Thank you" for ANYTHING bothers me the most. It's just basic manners. DH and BM never bothered to expect just the basics out of their kids, and now they have these little monsters. DH and BM seem to be okay with that, and they expect me to be okay with it, too, but I never will be.
"Why not give the kids some chores so the work can get done sooner and everyone can have some fun (even if it's separate fun with the kids with their respective parents)?"
I've brought this up to DH several times. They're all old enough to be doing some work around the house, but DH refuses to expect his kids to do chores. "They're not old enough," he says. I imagine his kids will NEVER be "old enough" to be expected to do anything.
I told him that's fine, whatever, don't expect your kids to work at all. Mine are going to, though, and yep, I'll be giving them an allowance for it. I've started giving BS9 chores to do around the house every day, every week, and I'm paying him $5 a week for doing them. DH thinks this is a bad idea, but I told him I don't care anymore. My kids aren't going to grow up with their asses permanently affixed to the couch while they play video games all night and all weekend. They WILL learn how to do chores around the house and help out whether DH likes it or not.
"But it isn't fair," he says. Too damn bad. "It makes me look like a slack parent," he says.
Well if you walk like a duck and quack like a duck...
Not giving them chores and
Not giving them chores and teaching them to be independent and take care of these things is what is not fair.
DH says, "Well, they're only
DH says, "Well, they're only here every other week. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, so when they're here, I just don't think it's fair to expect them to spend time on chores. I want them to enjoy being here."
Sooooo....make ME not enjoy being there every other week while I scrub toilets and wipe piss off the floor, and wash load after load of laundry and dishes because the precious darlings can't be bothered with any actual WORK. OOkay, got it DH!
I'm just a damn scullery maid to these people.
Then it certainly isn't fair
Then it certainly isn't fair for you to play with them, taking away their quality time with DH and interfering with his enjoyment of the precious darlings.
Oh, see, I'm supposed to keep
Oh, see, I'm supposed to keep doing all this crap AND spending quality time with the darlings. Somehow. I'm not sure how yet, because last I checked, I have the same amount of hours in every day as DH does, and he never seems to have time to play with them, either.
On my 2yr anniversary with
On my 2yr anniversary with DH, I told him I did not want to do this anymore. DH and I were together a year, before SS11 & SD12 came to live with us, and did not have one single disagreement/arguement...no exageration there...not one! 6mos after being married SS11 & SD12 came to live with us, we fought (about kids - bio's and skids, but mainly SS11) from day 1 after their arrival. After a year and a half of fighting/holding my tongue, on my 2nd anniversary I told DH it just wasn't going to work. I would love to tell you that there was a 360 turn around immediately, but that would be a lie. There was however, some steps on both our parts to try to find a compromise. I'm not saying it's all gravy at our house...you've read my posts...but the relationship between me and DH is now his priority over lying, stinking, attention hog SS11. No DH doesn't always deal with every situation the way I would or want him too or even deal with it at all, but reading about your situation, I'm not sure what's worse...not dealing with it or actually feeding into it and enabling it to happen. Have you given him an ultimatum as of yet or even spoken to him since the night you left upset?
Last night, I gave him a
Last night, I gave him a printout of the web page on disengagement. He read it, and he came to the conclusion that "disengagement" = "stepmom trying to get out of her responsibilities."
You just...you can't talk with and reason with someone who chooses to see it that way. He truly does NOT understand why I don't love his kids like my own. Hell, I don't even LIKE them. They're too rude and horrible to like OR love unless you're their biological parent.
So far, he doesn't seem to be too supportive or understanding of the whole disengagement process, so it's not looking too good for me right now.
I agree with Cat...you have
I agree with Cat...you have NO responsibilities to HIS children. HOWEVER, You will not always be able to disengage, so if he isn't will to make some steps to right the wrongs, my suggestion to you is look at the distant future. How are you going to feel about this man once all is said and done and the Bio's and Skids are grown with families of their own??? Will you still love him after being 2nd or 3rd priority all these years, or will you hate & resent him for how you have lived?
Eesh, that's a good question.
Eesh, that's a good question. I'm definitely not a priority where the skids are concerned. When they're at our house, his main concern is making sure they're happy and entertained 24/7. He worries WAY too much in my opinion about trying hard to make sure they're always happy and enjoy being at our house. He's so afraid they'll not want to come see him anymore, so he does whatever he has to to make himself feel good about their time with us.
Thing is, while he's busy stepping and fetching for his kids, I get left out in the cold. Now I'm being villainized for not kissing the skids' feet the way he does, and it's more than I can stand.
We never fought before we got married. I mean, NEVER. Not about anything at all. Of course, we lived separately right up until the wedding, and I didn't have any day-to-day exposure to the skids before that. I had no idea how awful they were, or how low he'd bow and scrape at their feet like they were gods. I didn't realize how I'd be placed so far below them in his list of priorities.
It's...It's just awful, is what it is.
I bet that even after they're "grown" (i.e., over the age of 18), they'll STILL come first in his eyes. I'd be willing to be he'll expect me to be okay with them to continue living with us as long as their precious little asses want to, too.
Resentment? Over things like this? Naahhh...I'm sure I won't be resentful AT ALL! UGH.
Our skids must be related.
Our skids must be related. It makes me sick to hear 'DDAAAADDDYYYYYYYYYY' from across the house, only to then see him go running to OSD, just so she can whine about something.
UGH, me too! The sound of
UGH, me too! The sound of their voices grates on my last nerve these days. "Daaaadeeee! Come heeeeelp me! I neeeeed your heeeeelp!"
And it's always something SO stupid. Something they damn well ought to be doing for themselves, but by golly, when they say jump, DH JUMPS! He comes running to do whatever it is they want him to do. Doesn't matter that he was right in the middle of trying to do something else at the time, or talking to me, or whatever. Everything comes to a screeching halt as soon as one of the little darlings want him to do something.
Often they don't even ask. SS8 is fond of just walking up to DH with his (SS8's) shoes in his hand, holding them up in DH's face. He won't even ask, or say a word. DH knows this means, "Put my shoes on my feet, bitch." And DH does it.
It's DISGUSTING.
Does bm have borderline
Does bm have borderline personality disorder? It sounds like her behavior is teaching the kids the same behavior. And dh is certainly not helping. He is enabling the dysfunction, and the only sane person doesn't understand how this behavior is acceptable to them.
Oh, FUCK THAT! Do not back
Oh, FUCK THAT! Do not back down!! It will be a cold day in Hell before I back down from DH and BM ganging up on me over something so seriously inconsequential. This fucking kid refuses to go to school and they're gonna focus on YOU?? And how much YOU interact with him. They are out of line. I'd be spending the morning packing--either my shit or DH's--and someone would be sleeping elsewhere tonight. Sorry you're going thru this!
SS7 has been refusing to go
SS7 has been refusing to go to school lately, and he's missed a lot of days. Something like 29 and counting. SS9 is refusing to go to Six Flags with us this August and doesn't want the rest of us to go, either, and now he's all weepy because I don't lavish attention on him. SS8 wears a dog costume every night and weekend he's with us.
These kids are just one giant clusterfuck if you ask me. I'm sick of dealing with them and their stupid little problems.
Before, the skids' problems were THEIR problems. I rolled my eyes a lot and muttered "Jesus fucking Christ" over some of the things they got away with (sorry for the blasphemy, but that's really how it all makes me feel), and then bitched about it on here, but that was about it. Now it's bleeding over into my own life and I'm being blamed for their misery.
Something's going to have to change. At the very least, I need to be left out of it. If SS9 wants to cry because he feels like I ignore him, then the little snowflake's just gonna have to be upset for a while. But if DH really wants to make a federal case out of it, I may just have to leave for good.
It's DH's house, not mine. I sold my house after we got married, and BOY do I regret that now.
I forgot about the dog
I forgot about the dog costume... LMAO.
"I rolled my eyes a lot and muttered "Jesus fucking Christ" over some of the things they got away with"
I find myself muttering that, or something similar a little too loudly at times, occasionally I think they might hear me. Oh well.
I've started muttering a
I've started muttering a little bit louder lately. They're just so damn demanding! "Find my book bag, Dadddy! NOW!" DH will dart off like Igor, looking for the damn book bag. I'll say "Ugh. REALLY?!"
DH: "What'd you say, ncgal?"
Me: "Huh? Nothing!"
There would be no clean
There would be no clean dishes or clean clothes in that house if it weren't for me. I don't think he realizes how much time I spend every day on damn dishes and clothes. It's MADDENING, how much of it there always is.
Maybe I should just take my kids and go off somewhere for a week, preferably a week when the skids are there. Let's see how much time DH has to sit and play and chat with SS9 then!
Shoot, after being up all night doing dishes and laundry, he'd be too damn tired to do anything else...kinda like I am every freaking weekend and weeknight they're with us.
Do it. Take off if you can
Do it.
Take off if you can for a weekend, better would be a whole week.
Just do it.
Take yours and go. Leave him to it.
Sorry you are going through this.
He refuses to let go of the
He refuses to let go of the Brady Bunch fantasy that he's built up in his head. I think he just expected me to happily pick up where BM left off, and to teach his kids all the things that he and BM never bothered to. Well, no thank you. It's too late for that. Their laziness and disrespectful, entitled attitudes are already too well engrained, and rewarded at every turn with DH and BM. I'd be fighting a losing battle if I even TRIED to teach them anything different. I'm already viewed as distant, uncaring, etc. Can you imagine how much worse it'd be if I tried to teach them to be decent people? Dear God I'd be crucified.
I'm trying as hard as I can to remember why I married this man, and why I still love him. It's so different when the skids aren't there, if BM keeps the phone calls to a minimum, but lately she's calling more and more often with bullshit like she did Sunday night, so it's ruining our skid-free weeks, too.
His response to the web page information on disengagement last night really broke my heart. I hoped he'd maybe at least TRY to see this situation from my point of view, but that Brady Bunch movie is still playing in his head, and he's pissed that that's not what he's seeing in his own home, and he's blaming it all on me.
I'm afraid I'm losing this fight, and DH will never understand how hard it really is for me to put up with his bratty kids.
DH still has little to say to
DH still has little to say to me. We didn't talk much yesterday evening, not that we had time with all the kids there. This is our week with the skids. Lucky me.
I kept busy with about three loads of laundry. DH said he'd help, but I said, "Oh no. No way. You go spend time with your kids. That's what this week is for, right? For YOU to spend time with them. My name's not anywhere on that custody agreement." He walked off and didn't say anything else about helping, which was fine by me because right now I really just want to be left alone at home.
SS9 didn't have a damn thing to say in my presence, as usual. As I said, the ONLY time that kid acknowledges me is when he wants something, and I guess he didn't want anything from me last night, so he ignored me all night. He talked to his brothers and my bios at dinner, and his dad, but not a word to me. The drama from Sunday night with BM's crazy-ass phone call didn't come up. Nobody said a word about it.
After DH got his kids in the bed (took him a damn HOUR to do so because they always fight it and refuse to go to bed, and he allows them to get away with it), I gave him a printout of the web page on disengagement. He read it, but he didn't have much to say about it beyond, "Oh, so this is how it's going to be from now on with you? You think that's fair? It sounds to me like you're looking to get out of your responsibities around here."
I asked him how he got THAT out of the information on disengagement. He said it sounded like an excuse to not have to do anything for stepchildren.
"You're their STEPMOM," he said. "You need to TREAT them accordingly. Stepmoms aren't supposed to ignore their stepkids. That's just not right, ncgal. That's cruel. I don't know how you can expect me to be okay with that."
I told him that when a step-parent has to live with ungrateful, unruly, disrespectful children, sometimes the only option is to just remove yourself from the equation as much as possible. I tried to tell him I'm doing this out of a sense of self-preservation and to try to save our marriage. He's so hung up on believing that I'm only doing it because I'm heartless and mean. He just kept coming back to that, along with the good ol' standby, "You don't love my kids!"
Finally I just blurted it out. "NO. I DON'T. There, I said it. I don't love your kids. I tolerate them. That's all I can do. Their disrespect and total disregard for me unless they need something from me is more than I care to put up with. I do NOT put up with disrespectful kids, and yours, DH, are the MOST disrespectful kids I've ever had the pleasure of dealing with!"
DH just shook his head and walked off, leaving me to my laundry. He didn't speak to me this morning beyond a mumbled "Bye" when I told him it was time for me and my bios to go. Meanwhile his kids are still running around in their pajamas, acting like it's a Saturday morning and blowing off everything DH asked them to do to get ready for school.
I said as I was heading toward the front door, but I don't know whether or not he heard me: "There. See what they're doing? THAT'S why I'm disengaged. So I don't have to put up with THAT shit. Notice that my kids don't do that. Know why? Because I wouldn't ever allow it. Good luck getting yours to school on time, DH." If he heard me, he didn't have anything to say about it.
It sounds to me like you're
It sounds to me like you're looking to get out of your responsibilities around here.
Ha, ha, another man that thinks HIS kids are his wife's responsibility. Guess what, buddy?
They are YOUR responsibility.
And that's what it boils down to. He does not want to do all of the work of parenting himself. It has nothing to do with "playing" with them or how their little fee fees will be hurt. It's about making it easier for him.
DH is very laid-back and
DH is very laid-back and nonconfrontational, and he hates - I mean HATES - having to discipline his kids. He'll avoid it whenever possible.
I remember one time last fall when we were raking leaves in the front yard. Everybody was expected to help. My kids did help. Okay, the 4-year-old didn't do much, but damn it, he helped as much as he could. My 9-year-old raked more leaves than all three of the skids combined and didn't bitch even one single time about doing it. He's lived with me long enough to know that that'll only cause him to have to work longer and harder, so he doesn't even try it.
We'd been out there about 15 minutes when all three of the skids started whining for a break. They were tiiiired. They were thiiirrrrsty. "Dadddeeee, we can't doooo this!" DH just came back with, "Please work a little longer, okay guys? Please?" (BEGGING them to do something instead of TELLING them, as usual.)
The skids kept whining. After about ten minutes of their bitching, DH suddenly remembered that he needed to do some work in the back yard, leaving me up in the front yard with all five of the kids.
I knew what he was doing. Listening to their nonstop complaining and not wanting to do anything to stop it was stressing him out big-time, so he was running away from his responsibility to make his kids actually DO something. He left me there with them because he knew I'd break bad on their asses and MAKE them work. He doesn't have the backbone to do that, so he left me all alone to handle it, and by God I did.
We have a GIGANTIC front yard. I ran that group like a damn boot camp! No slacking! No bitching! You're gonna rake, and by God you're gonna rake RIGHT, and you don't get a break until I SAY you get a break!
BS9 tried telling the skids, "Look guys, you really need to stop with the complaining. My mom doesn't like that. Shut up! She'll make us work longer if you don't stop!"
They didn't listen. They kept bitching. I snapped at them several times to keep working. Shoot, they already dislike me, so I figured I didn't have anything to lose.
DH came slinking back around to the front yard about an hour later and told the kids they could go get some water and take a break. He came up to me and said, "I really appreciate you doing that. You know, getting them to work. I just can't bring myself to talk to them the way you do."
I told him he'd better learn, because I'm not going to be the only hard-ass in this family. He just sort of shook his head and said, "But I can't DO that. I can't talk to my kids that way. It just doesn't seem right. They get mad at me."
It's that attitude, right there, that's at the heart of the problem he has with his kids. He's a pushover, and they know it. And he KNOWS they know it. They're going to walk all over him the older they get, and I really don't want to hang around to watch that. I damn sure ain't gonna get involved and stop it! I've got enough to do with my own two kids without having to worry about teaching HIS kids a damn work ethic.
Your husband and my OH -
Your husband and my OH - could be the same man.
"But I can't DO that. I can't talk to my kids that way. It just doesn't seem right. They get mad at me."
I have heard these exact words!
He will not discipline them no matter what - oh I tell a lie, when SD13 was caught out after stealing dd8's new notepad (irrefutable evidence so he HAD to deal) he talked to her until she stopped lying and admitted it, she cried, he caved, her "punishment" was to return the unused portion of the notepad and write an apology - not face to face spoken, not buy her a NEW one seeing as she'd used about 1/3 of it - just bring it back and write a cowardly apology.
SS10 - after he threatened to punch my dd in the face (actually came within inches with his fist and stood over her threateningly) NOTHING. ZIP, ZILCH NADA. Daddy told him that "I know she's annoying but don't do it again" and they shot some hoops. SS's therapist told him to apologize. 4 months later...still waiting.
He also doesn't want them to be angry at him, hate him, he panders to their every whim so that they have fun fun daddy times and will keep coming over. I say let them experience reality at our house instead of turning it into a fun park EOWE because quite frankly, I'd be thrilled if they stopped coming. }:) }:)
Your responsibilities? Your
Your responsibilities? Your responsibilities are to the home, and your kids, and to a lesser extent him. What are his responsibilities? Your responsibilities in regards to his kids are to make sure they don't die while at your house, or really, that they don't die by your hand. That's about it. What an ass.
That's exactly how I feel. I
That's exactly how I feel. I don't expect him to lift a damn finger to do anything for my kids, and he doesn't. So why he feels that I have that responsibility toward his kids, I don't know. I guess it's because I have a uterus. That automatically makes me June Cleaver with a pretty dress and a big smile on my face, ready to do whatever's needed for any child in my presence.
I make sure the skids have food to eat and a safe, clean home to live in when they're with us, so in my mind, I've done all I'm required to do. Everything else is down to DH and BM. I just can't get DH to see it that way, unfortunately.
Put those pearls on, girl.
Put those pearls on, girl. NOT!
Don't forget the high heels!
Don't forget the high heels!
Oh yeah, I'll get right on
Oh yeah, I'll get right on it!! :sick:
Oh, but it IS! Didn't you
Oh, but it IS! Didn't you know that?! Have you NEVER watched a 60's TV show or movie? And we all know they'd never show stepmoms loving their stepkids as their own if that's not the way it is EVERY DAMN TIME!
He's heartbroken because I've shattered his little fantasy world. That's all he knows at this point, and I'm responsible for his pain. I don't know what I can say anymore to make this better, but I know for damn certain that I'm not going to become a Stepford Wife to soothe his hurt feelings.
Ncgal, Im furious for you. I
Ncgal, Im furious for you. I can't believe he bought into BM and SS's bullshit. Your DH should have said if theres a problem then we can talk to SS when he's here and address it. These dads just go into flip out mode whenever it comes to anything with their kids and its sickening. As you said its a complete double standard, you should feel comfortable in your house, its YOUR house.
I would just keep doing your own thing, I don't even know what to say. I feel like slapping DH and BM, Im sorry you're going through this.
DH explains away BM's recent
DH explains away BM's recent drama-filled phone calls by saying, "Well, she's back in school now, and she's really stressed out. She just gets overwhelmed and needs help calming down. She can't help it and doesn't mean anything by it when she calls me all upset like that. She just doesn't handle stress very well. I mean, YOU handle it great. You don't freak out over stuff. I wish she could be more like you, but she really can't."
He explains away EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY...except me. For everyone else in his life, there's an excuse for undesirable behavior, but I'm not allowed to ever have a problem with anything BM and the skids do. It makes my damn head hurt just thinking about how unfair and messed up that is.
For the skids, they can't help the way they act because "they're just kids." BM can't help the way she acts because she's in school and doesn't handle stress well. DH doesn't play with his kids or interact with them much because he's "too busy."
Yep, everybody has an excuse. Everybody except me, the one who's expected to just shoulder everything while wearing a big smile on my face, happy to take on more and more bullshit because nobody else can be bothered to deal with it.
BM kicked DH out of the
BM kicked DH out of the house, declaring him a child abuser, and reported him to CPS for allegedly punching one of them in the face and giving him a black eye. The kid didn't have a damn mark on him. BM used an old picture of the kid from over a year ago (at that time), where he had a cut under one of his eyes from falling outside while playing. DH had to point out that the kid was obviously much younger in that picture. The case was dropped, and BM never mentioned it again, but it caused MAJOR drama for DH and the skids for weeks and weeks before she finally agreed to dismiss any charges.
She wanted to move back to her parents' house in Massachusetts and told DH she was just trying to make a "clean break" from him, to somehow make it easier on the kids to be away from their father.
Yeah, I don't get it either, but that's par for the course with that crazy bitch.
DH is always so eager to explain away her crazy-ass behavior, and I don't know why he's always so willing to go to bat for her when she tried to press criminal charges against him for something he didn't even do. It's beyond insane.
I felt bad at first about
I felt bad at first about finally telling him that I don't love his kids, but now, I'm glad I did. The truth is finally out. At the very least, maybe he'll stop using "You don't love my kids!" as his go-to answer to everything I do and say that he doesn't like.
I don't love them? Well no shit, Sherlock. If they weren't yours, YOU wouldn't love them either. Trust THAT.
This just boggles my mind.
This just boggles my mind. You must be shell-shocked to realize what a selfish and self-serving disappointment you married.
He knows what's going on. He gets a rush out of being 'needed' by BM, he gets a rush out of saving the day when skids want something.
I'd be very interested to see him write a list of your 'responsibilities' to his kids, and a list of what his responsibilities to his kids are. And what his 'responsibilities' to your kids are.
A real list, of actual action - not his fantasy list of "I spend lots of time with my boys and by time I mean I think about them but don't actually want to be in the same room as them" BS.
That would certainly be an interesting discussion.
I've asked him, point-blank,
I've asked him, point-blank, for such a list. All I get is, "Well, you know, just stuff a stepmom should WANT to do for her stepkids. I don't think that's too much to ask!"
(Know what I WANT to do for them? Box them up and ship them to China. Beyond that, yeah, I got nothing.)
I can't ever get any examples of just what it is he thinks I should be doing for them. Just flowery, not-based-in-reality statements like the one above.
It SOUNDS nice, sure. But until you've had to live with somebody else's ungrateful assholish kids, you can't see how awful it really is. I'm not saying my boys are angels, but dammit, I KNOW they're better behaved and MUCH less demanding. And they have some freaking manners. It makes a huge difference in how easy it is to be around them as compared to my stepbrats.
I think the next time he makes a statement that I'm "just not doing enough" for his kids, I'm going to demand that he write down EXACTLY what it is he thinks I should be doing, along with a separate list of things HE should be doing for HIS OWN stepkids! Let's see how much is on his list, and how much he puts on mine! I guarantee you they'd be anything but equal!
The thing is, he does sound
The thing is, he does sound very chaotic. I suspect you're pretty close to the end of your rope on this, but when/if your heart's in it again, perhaps you could frame it as a need to manage time, or balance schedules, or whatever.
One approach might be to take a daily agenda for a week and actually plan all the days. So you sit down together and first write in your work/commute hours. Then write in his work/commute hours. Then all the hours your kids have activities that you need to take them to (each his/her own). And all the time spent on basic child care, feeding, bathing, etc.
Then go through the list of your own personal free time activities, the time you spend with your own kids, and the list of household responsibilities. Fill those in.
Then fill in the blended-family time.
This obviously reflects my own priorities :D.
*******
I should add, I know he's just throwing up roadblocks. So there's no point meeting his argument with a counter-argument, that just invests in the argument cycle. You have to listen for what's underneath, and address that. Let his drama wash over you. It's just drama - it takes up a lot of his time and energy, but you don't have to let it waste yours.
When he next accuses you of "'just not doing enough' for his kids," stop for a moment and say you'd like a moment to think about that. Count to 10 in your head and then tell him, "You know what DH, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I think I do a lot for your kids, in fact, maybe too much. But you keep expecting more and more from me. I'm really getting uncomfortable with how angry you seem to be with me, all the time. Regarding your kids, you're their parent, and you should be able to meet their needs without my help. In our relationship, if you want help with your kids, you're going to have to think long and hard about how to ask for that in a way that shows me that you appreciate me. Because so far, I feel like you married me for free sex, housework and childcare. And that's not the marriage I want to be part of."
Well, tell him you took a
Well, tell him you took a poll on a step-parent website, and the majority of step-mum's want to do F*ck all for the stepkids....
So you are already WAY ahead of the game }:)
Lol THIS !!!
Lol THIS !!!
Hee hee hee!
Hee hee hee!
That's basically the way I
That's basically the way I left it with him. "I just can't love them. I also can't bring myself to be their freaking SLAVE, either. Go ahead and do everything short of wiping their asses for them if you want to, but sorry DH, I just can't do it!"
Hell, if it's okay for everybody else to have excuses for the things they do and say, then it's time I got in on that little game, too!
He's just going to have to learn that I'm not there to serve his kids' every little whim, no matter how much they whine and bitch. If I wouldn't even do it for my own kids, I'm certainly not doing it for anybody else's. Sorry, but when a skid comes barging in my room at 11:00 at night demanding pens and something to draw on, I just don't feel that maternal nudge to get up and fetch it for him. Obviously that means there's something wrong with me. No! I should jump up with a big smile on my face, tickled to death that the kid has acknowledged my presence, finally, for the very first time that day! Oh joy! Thanks so much for giving my life purpose, skid! :sick: