DH and my BS having issues
I'm writing this on behalf of my DH who is having trouble with my boys - his stepsons. I was hoping for an honest opinion (lol the great thing with you guys is that I can count on honest!) on our situation to see how I should perhaps handle things differently.
My boys have recently turned 12 and 13 - the one who has turned 13 has transformed overnight from a happy, sweet kid to a moody, inconsiderate brat. The 12 year old hasn't changed (yet) but he is far from perfect anyway - has a bit of an attitude problem.
We have almost 50/50 custody - my exH is a cop so we have to work around his schedule which is a total nightmare - lots of back and forth. It has been this way for over 6 years but this year it has really started to bother BS13. We'll have to sort something more consisent out as he gets older as it isn't fair for a teen to have such a chaotic schedule.
DH says he feels like he has "no voice" in our household, if he tells my boys off directly for anything they get upset and complain to me about it. Over the years I've asked him to tell me if he has a problem with them/something they're doing/not doing and I'll handle it - this has kind of worked until now but as they are getting older they aren't listening to me, I have to yell. So DH feels that if they won't listen to me he is going to speak up, he doesn't give a crap anymore what they think about him (which is not much - they both dislike him for no particular reason, he is a mild, quiet guy that hardly bothers them). DH also feels really annoyed if they are disrespecting me (ignoring, speaking rudely top me etc) and says that as the man of the house he will speak up for me.
If DH was their dad I would be grateful to have him on my side, supporting me and speaking up as the "man of the house". But as a stepdad all it does is make my boys dislike him - I just saw a message on BS13's ipad to his friend where he was making up a bullshit story about how he (BS13) pushed DH around last night because he was being a "c**t" - when in actual fact DH told him to get upstairs at 9.30pm last night rather than decide to make a smoothie just as we're all going to bed.
I do really feel in the middle here - my boys on one side not liking DH and hating being told what to do by him and DH on the other side who is worried that if they are rude and disrespectful at 12/13 how are the next few years going to go. He said he worries there is going to be a real blow-out between him and them at some point and I'll jump to their defence rather than stick up for him (as I'd be worried that if I don't they'll want to go live permanently with their dad). I have to walk a tightrope to keep everyone happy or someone will leave. And I don't want anyone to leave, I love them all.
I'm not sure what to do - I want my boys to be happy living here but it seems that to keep them happy DH has to be a silent member of the house saying nothing. DH would be happier if they were considerate of others (making less noise, not yelling from one end of the house to the other etc) and not rude to me (ie. I say "dinner's ready" and BS12 will shout "WAIT!!" as he's on the Xbox). Each time DH makes a complaint I do raise it with them and try to fix it ("hang up the bathmat", make your bed" "don't use the last of the milk without saying something") but there always seems to be something new.
Here's a hint. You are
Here's a hint. You are supposed to be a parent, NOT a friend. Who cares if they "don't like" him. They are teens. They aren't supposed to LIKE either of you for a few years. It sounds like your DH is doing an awesome job, and you should back him up and take some notes for yourself.
Seriously... worried they "don't like him"? It's not a popularity contest. These are the moments that teach them respect, accountability, and how to function in a world where (shocker!!!) you don't always get what you want.
Stop being afraid the brats
Stop being afraid the brats will go live fulltime with their father. Parenting out of fear, means not parenting to the best of your ability. You're giving the kids the upper hand. Besides if ex is a cop with a hectic schedule he won't be able to have them fulltime anyway...he either won't be able to because he's not around or he'd dump them on his SO/GF/SM if there is one and she's have the same bs from them as your DH does. She'll pack them up and ship them right back to you.
Your Dh shouldn't have to come to you every time a kid let's the milk run out or neglects to follow kid's chore expectations. If the 'rules and expectations' in your home include kids make their bed, then Dh shouldn't have to pretend he doesn't notice a unmade bed and go whisper to you about it. Nope. DH can clearly say 'SS, you have unfinished chores'. You need to have clear expectations of individual household duty routines and consequences that the children are aware of will happen if they ignore their tasks.
You're being told to hold supper, kid's not done on xbox? Tough kiddo, dinner is now. You might give the kid a 20 minute heads-up that dinner is almost ready if you think that might help, but otherthan that it should be dinner is now and watch kid's shocked little face as you disconnect the xbox.
These kids know you're afraid to be the 'bad guy' here and they are taking advantage of it. Smoothies at bedtime as the lights are being turned off to go upstairs? It sound be you in his a** about 'no sir, little one, march on up those stairs'. If kid tosses a fit and you have to 'yell', so be it. I'm sure it is hard for your DH to watch the teen disrespect his mother and fight with her over it...but you have got to parent your kids. A few times of them knowing you mean what you say and won't let them intimidate you needs to happen. DH shouldn't have to run to your rescue. These are your kids and you need to you yourself will not tolerate their disrespect.
I don't get me either
I don't get me either actually - I read story after story of people putting up with crap like my DH has to and read your advice to SM's (and try to put it into practice) but still this is our household. I do feel like a failure as a parent and a wife most days.
Thank you so much, you guys
Thank you so much, you guys are truly awesome - I needed to hear the plain truth that is sitting in front of my eyes. You all make really good points about not trying to be their friend, guilt/fear parenting, fence-sitting etc. Gosh I read like the worst case scenario parent that everyone here has to put up with!
Things are going to change around here - watch out kids. No one is happy at the moment so I might as well keep poor long-suffering DH happy.
You are spot on - they
You are spot on - they absolutely don't care about my feelings, the world fully spins around them! So I might as well stop worrying so much about their feelings and care about DH's instead. That is great advice about going deadpan/don't argue - that will work - currently I get all lecturerey/try to discuss/reason and they tune out. I've wanted them to tell me when they are upset with DH rather than running back to exH and telling him but maybe now is the time for me to tell them harden up, I don't want to hear it, go run and tell daddy if you must, I don't care.
Lol this is fantastic, you
Lol this is fantastic, you need to make a series of You Tube videos and give useless mothers of teen boys like me these strategies. Love it! I currently do the exact opposite of this so can see why I'm failing so miserably.
Thanks Sue - you are right I
Thanks Sue - you are right I definitely can do better, my husband deserves it as he is a good man and my children will hopefully be better people as a result. You know what, as thick as this sounds (I've only been a member for 23 weeks but reading here for 5 years so that makes me extra stupid) I've only just realised that I am guilty-parenting. Definitely I was aware of the fearful parenting - the unspoken threat that the boys will move to dads once they are 14 (exH has "warned" me of this as they have commented to him about their dislike of DH). I hate that I spend my life trying to make them love my house - making the meals they like, taking them on holidays, buying them clothes (no CS, we're meant to buy clothes for each house but exH never has any money, preferring to spend it on alcohol/his boat) but the minute poor little bubbas get told off by DH for something minor this is the worst household ever.
You have all given me a lot of food for thought, I'm going to read and reread this and make up an action plan.
I need only add that you
I need only add that you should stop "trying to make everyone happy". Moody teenagers will never be happy. You can give them everything they want and more and they will still find something to be miserable about. They are using the threat of going to live with their dad as leverage against you. It's time for you to be in control. Once you take control back, I guarantee your DH will be happier, and your kids may not show it, but they will have a more stable home with boundaries and a clear picture of who is in charge. You can do it! This is fixable.
I doubt I could have found a
I doubt I could have found a family counsellor to give me all of this straight to the point, accurate and helpful advice - I really appreciate you all for this, you are wonderful. DH raised "trialling living separately" in an email earlier so this together with the advice from you brilliant people I finally have the motivation I need to take back control of this damn house.
Just love this thread, nice
Just love this thread, nice adult construction conversation with no one getting stroppy.
Well done Gemini for taking the advice and well done everyone for not sugar coating.
Yes, welcome to the Terrible Teens...and you thought the 2's were bad.....
Ugh, you have that right - I
Ugh, you have that right - I was smug about my children not being all that terrible when they were 2 so this my payback.
Fully agree with your comment on the constructive advice and not sugar coating - this was exactly what I needed and gave me a lot to think about. I can't show this thread to DH as I don't want him to find things I've complained about in the past relating to him and SS20 but he was so happy at the changes I promised. He actually said when he got home last night that after receiving my emails yesterday that he thought I must have copied and pasted them from my step website (he knows I come to a "step website"). I said no I hadn't but it is exactly the advice they would give me!
Excellent advice in this
Excellent advice in this thread. Dtzy, you are my hero. If I had kids of my own, that is exactly the kind of parent I would be. No arguing, no reasoning, just good ole fashioned fear. And all the love and advocacy you can eat in between.
OP, just like everyone else said, you are not in the middle. You are by your husband's side or you are letting him down and straining your marriage vows to the breaking point.
Your DH is an adult in his own home. Stop shackling him. You would give more authority to a babysitter.
Your boys WILL leave. They will. Say it over and over until it doesn't hurt any more.
It is exactly what kids are supposed to do.
They are not babies any more. What they need from you now is preparation for adulthood. And this may be hard to hear, but it just might be their own dad who is best suited to take those last steps with them, no matter what a rotter he might be. Teen boys want to learn how to be a man. You have, sorry to say this so harshly, de-neutered your husband to a great degree so these boys are not gonna look up to him much. It is very common for teen boys to break away from their awesome moms and seek out their ne'er do well dads. Justin Bieber is doing it right now.
Hopefully, they will come out the other side with new maturity and look for better role models. Your DH could be that, if you make it safe for him to act like an adult in his own home. The boys may run to dad's for awhile but they were gonna do that anyway. Let your DH show them what a real man is: responsible, good, kind, but not a doormat.
And I strongly endorse what everyone else has told you, too.
That is a very good point
That is a very good point about the de-neutering - I've never thought of it like that before. I was always so conscious of my BS's saying "he's not my dad, he can't tell me what to do" that I thought it best to do 100% of the parenting and leave DH to be "nice uncle type guy". But yes he certainly feels de-neutered when he says he has no voice.
I really hope for my boys that one day they would look to DH as a role model - their dad is a 4/10 as far as husbands go whereas DH is a 9/10 (lol always gotta leave room for improvement). Unfortunately at this age, they just think their dad (manly-man cop guy) is a super-hero and therefore nice guy DH is a girly-man.
UUmm... de-neutered doesn't
UUmm... de-neutered doesn't mean what y'all yhink it does. It's the negative of neutering. Neutering is taking his balls; de-neutering is giving them back. That is not what has been done.
You are doing great. You have
You are doing great. You have not fought with your DH over your boys poor behavior. That is a good foundation and start.
I agree with the advice that you and DH need to partner in parenting just as you do in life. If DH parents have his back. Teen boys can be difficult. However if you and DH partner in finishing up raising him to viable adulthood.
My bride and I worked as a team to raise SS-22. For us the blended family adventure started when we started dating when SS was 15mos old and became long term when we married the week before he turned 2yo. A difficult thing for the bio parent in a blended family marriage is gaining the realization that life with children is not indefinite. They grow up and move on to their own lives. A parent in a blended family marriage that does not gain this realization risks not investing in their marriage and losing a life partner over the mistaken belief that children are their priority.