I’ve been reading Steptalk for over 5 years but never had the courage to join/post (worry of being caught!). You have been a life-line – given me a lot of laughs, wisdom and relief along the way.
I have DS11 and DS12 and DH has SS17 and SS20. SS17 is a delight and I enjoy his company whenever he comes over or when he is on holiday with us. He gets on very well with my boys and is a bonus big brother for them.
SS20 is a very different story. He was diagnosed as a child with dyspraxia, I admit to being very unknowledgeable about what that entails - it seems be vary from person to person. I feel it gets used as an excuse for undesirable behavior sometimes but who knows.
DH and the BM had an awful break-up 6 years ago (she left him for someone else, although that relationship eventually broke up) and she was the master of PAS. SS20 struggled with the situation and was quite awful to DH, making fun of him, wouldn’t come over etc. Lots and lots of problems with him (this was when I found Steptalk!) including picking on my older BS (who was only 7– SS was 15 at that time). The worst time was when we had gone skiing and were all throwing snowballs and SS15 picked up a rock and covered with snow (according to my boys a day or so later) and threw it at DS7’s head resulting in a big egg. At the time I hadn’t realized what had happened – and when I did know I handled it awfully by not saying anything to DH (we were less than 1 year into our relationship at the time) and built up more and more resentment toward SS from that time and just didn’t like him.
18 months ago, my younger BS woke up and asked why DH was sitting on the chair in his room last night? I was confused and said of course he hadn’t, he’d gone to bed with me? Then my other son said “that must have been SS [18 at the time – same height/build as DH] he was standing at my doorway for about 5 mins last night staring at me, it was weird, I just tossed and turned in bed and he went away”. I agreed it was strange and said to my younger son “could you have dreamed it?” He said no as the chair was moved away from the wall to face the bed and was still that way in the morning (he had been scared so closed his eyes and must have fallen back to sleep).
They went to their father that night and told him and he rang me and had a total meltdown, thinking all sorts of things about what SS was planning (incest etc). I said I’ll talk to DH and when he came home I proceeded to do so, unfortunately I’d already guzzled half a bottle of wine by this stage so it didn’t come out very tactfully. Incest didn’t cross my mind but I said it was creepy and weird and gave the boys a real fright and I wanted to know why he had done it.
DH said there must be a logical reason for it and he’d have a talk to him, he was really really upset at me for thinking badly of SS. So the following week (I wasn’t there) he spoke to SS who got upset – he denied sitting in the chair in younger BS room and explained the reason for staring at older SS as “looking for my deodorant” (weird – deodorants are all kept in their bathroom and he was lounging against door frame for ages apparently just staring). DH and I fought and fought over this, I was creeped out by SS and angry he scared my boys (they still to this day refuse to sleep in their own rooms, older BS sleeps on mattress in younger BS room and just uses his own room as a hangout spot).
The reason for my posting after all this time is that it is still causing problems for DH and I – something unrelated came up in the last week (nothing relating to SS) prompting DH to be upset at me all over again. I said, we just have to put that aside, we are never going to agree on the other person’s perspective, never. You believe SS didn’t go in the room/was innocently looking for deodorant at 11pm at night and I believe he was doing something creepy and weird and won’t own up to it as he doesn’t have a good reason and doesn’t want to get in trouble. DH said “SS never had any ill intentions, he has no ill-will toward your boys” and I of course bring up the snowball incident (years too late). He said I should have told him earlier but even then, that can be explained by a) SS also did that to his his younger son once b) he has dyspraxia and c) the separation was still troubling him at that time. I said “if my 15 year old threw a rock at a 7 year old boy I would not make any excuses for him, it is inexcusable”.
Sorry for long, long post – if anyone has managed to get to the end of this do you have any thoughts on how we can get past this or is it just going to eat away at our otherwise wonderful marriage?