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Different Parenting styles

seekinghelp's picture

Different parenting styles (I have 1, he has 4) have been the biggest challenge for my husband and I. I knew we were a little different but we talked a lot before we got married and I felt that we had found a common ground. After the wedding, he shifted gears and no longer felt that what we had been doing for a year was correct so we had to change many things thus creating almost a his kids, her kid situation on several topics. I am more of a disciplinarian - whinning doesn't get you anywhere/ kids must ask for permission- rather than tell their parents what they will be doing/ speak with respect and be respectful to each other/ pick up after yourselves/ show table manners, etc. He is more the friend - it is easier to give in to the whinning rather than correcting it/ he will get up and get a glass of milk for his 17 year old daughter because she doesn't "feel like it" when they are seated next to each other/ he'd rather not discipline because they may not want to come to his house anymore/etc. 

How do I manage a life and family where the expectations I brought into the marriage now make me the "evil stepmom" or the wife who expects too much from her husband and stepkids? 

SteppedOut's picture

He pulled a "bait and switch". 

My formerSO tried that on many topics, including parenting. I did not tolerate it for long. 

ndc's picture

I don't think you can manage it without a ton of resentment, including by YOUR child who is being held to a different standard.  You will resent your husband, who basically lied to you.  His kids will resent you for trying to uphold perfectly normal rules and expectations.  I can't imagine how your two families can possibly blend.  I would insist that things go back to what you agreed.  Marriage isn't a life sentence - if he doesn't do what he had agreed to do BEFORE you got married, you can always walk away.

UGotThis's picture

"How do I manage a life and family where the expectations I brought into the marriage now make me the "evil stepmom" or the wife who expects too much from her husband and stepkids? "

In answer to your questions- it comes down to having a deep, heart to heart with your husband. First, it'd be helpful to re-assess your expectations for the new "now" of your life & what your non-negotiable boundaries will be, so u can communicate them clearly & in a way that will be understood. That way, a dialogue can be opened up about how to best move forward together. Sounds like he's looking out for preserving his time with his kids b/c he's scared (they may have the choice to not come over?) which is currently at odds with your desire to raise yours in a responsible manner.
My parenting style was like yours, my former partner's, like your husbands. For us, it didn't get better as the kids got older, to keep separate styles under one roof. I moved out with my kiddo & the spark in her life came back. Her step siblings would come over often and be just fine with my house rules. They didn't even try to test me. (I think moving out clearly drew my boundary with what I would and would not put up with). Your kid might begin to resent the freedoms the others have & if u try to impose your style on his kids after they are already used to their freedoms, well, I'm sure you're seeing how frustrating that can get at times (to you as well as to them).

Being on a united front, as a parental couple, tends to bring in a sense of stability as the kids try to push the boundaries. If your marriage is strong, a middle ground can be found. Right now, he's choosing to keep the peace with his kids & by doing that, dismissing the values & expectations u had coming in to the marriage.

If you feel strongly that the lifestyle you're surrounded by is so off that you are being made to feel like "an evil stepmom" to correct it, with expectations of your husband that he can not live up to in your eyes, then the choices become these: u either consciously decide to love each one of them as they are, where they are on their learning path through life, or u find a different environment to raise your kiddo in which brings harmony. 
I tried option A for a few years and then that wore me down to option B. If you & your husband can be on the same page, creating a new chapter together, I believe it will make a huge difference. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think you need to have another open and honest conversation with him. There is no way that this is an issue that won't lead to resentment from all parties- you have to get on the same page.

Kids under one roof can't have different rules and expectations. You shouldn't be the bad guy or the nag, your kids shouldn't resent their step sister because she has it easy. You shouldn't resent your husband for not following through with his promises or come to resent your SD being there because of her allowed behavior. 

Maybestepmom20's picture

I can understand. I am new to this all. I am a single mom of three,15,13 & 12. I have been w my SO for about two years,we moved in together a year ago. We get along famously,him and I ,but the only thing we ever argue about,is his 6 year old daughter. He's been a single father her whole life,he's a good dad, but he lets her walk all over him. I had never in my life met a child so young that had the attitude she does. She doesn't listen,and everyday I have to watch her and tell her the same thing, she gives you attitude. The problem I'm having is he refuses to discipline her. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I've been sleeping on the couch, I feel hurt because all I'm asking is for is for him to stop letting her walk all over him and I. I wake up in a bad mood,so many little things,but he refuses to discipline her. I can't take it anymore.