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Mommarobbins's picture

DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 3 and he has a daughter who is 9. We have a bio child who is 7 months. My issue is I moved from my hometown to be with him 3 years ago because of his DD and I can't stand her. Now that we have a child of our own, I want to move back to my hometown (2hrs away). I've told DH from the start one day he would have to chose between me and his DD but now that I have my own son to think about, I want to move ASAP. How can I have this convo with him without him getting very upset? We originally said 5 years but now I'm thinking 6months to a year to move. And I don't want his DD to come with us because that would Be awful. I'm already miserable when she comes for her week and I get moody and angry while she's here. Help!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I don't think moving 3 hrs away is that big of a deal. Do you have your SD full time or EOW? My DHs BM just moved 3 hours away and it's not biggie. Just need some more info.

BethAnne's picture

Reading this at face value without any other information it reads like you are blaming everything that is wrong with your life on sd. 

You did not move for your sd. You moved for yourself (so you could be with your husband) and for your husband (so he did not have to move). SD probably did not care if you moved or not. Realizing the reality of this and reminding yourself of it regularly may help to lift some of the resentment you place on sd's head and accept that you made an adult choice that is not working for you right now and that is ok. 

If you feel misserable, moody and angry when your sd is there then perhaps you should look at yourself and see if there are things that you can work on to make you feel better. When I felt that way around my sd I went to see a therapist because I needed help with my emotions which felt overwhelming to me at times. It turns out that these emotions can be signs of depression and I think that the depression was exagerating my emotions and making me have less control over them. Therapy may not be the answer for you but some self care may help you a lot. 

That is not to say that things in your home life are perfect except for your emotions. Perhaps you need your husband to step up on the parenting front? Or perhaps too much presure is put on you to take on maternal roles with your sd in the home? Or perhaps you are doing everything for your daughter and are too exhausted to deal with sd too? Talking things through with your husband could help you two to try to find solutions to help make home a happier place for you when your sd is there. 

If you agreed to move in 5 years then moving in 6 months is a big change. You will have to discuss this with your husband and see where you two land. I would however NOT bring up him choosing between you and sd again. Why would you put that idea in his head? If you want to move sooner then you need to paint a picture that would be benificial for sd, your husband, you and your baby. Like it or not but sd is a factor in major life decisions that you and your husband make. 

Remember though that even if you do manage to move next week that sd will still be coming for visits. So doing some work on yourself and your emotions and your home life and getting your husband to parent in a way that makes home a happier place for you is still essential.

You never know what the future holds and something could happen to sd's mother so that she can no longer care for her and sd ends up with her dad 100% of the time. (It happened to me when my sd's mother became homeless). Moving away does not address the core issues at play with yourself, your relationship and in your household. 

Rags's picture

Making him choose between you and his child was naive and immature.   While a child should never be the priority over the marriage and the partners to each other, putting it immediately on a conflict level is not wise.

Moving was also naive and immature.  

If you are going, go now and do not put him, his daugther, or yourself and  your child through 6+ more months of blended family hell.

As a master of the obvious, it was probably not the greatest idea to breed with this failed father.