well it's the kids Grandfather after all....

but what about SO dropping off the kid at BM's for the week-end, you go with SO that same week-end and while SS visits his family in their time of grieve, you and SO have a nice romantic time in the hotel

Simply tell SO, it's the grandfather I think we all should go and go with him

It's a funeral. You either trust your man or you don't.

If he service is in a funeral home, immediate family usually is seated in the front section all together with other attendees sitting in the rows/sections behind. Your SO would be seated in the 'other attendees' area. Sure, BM could request he come sit with family, but SO can just decline and say it's more appropriate if he not.

He doesn't have to go to any after service get together. If the service moves from funeral home/church to grave side, he doesn't have to attend both.

This is his son's grandfather. I wouldn't think of this as the young teen in 'trying to get his own way'. If kid wanted his own way, it'd likely be that his grandfather were alive rather than dead and in a casket.

Do you really believe BM is going to call you up afterwards and tell you SO was chasing her around at a funeral, flirting and trying to jump on top of her? Seriously? If this guy is so into his ex, why would you even be considering marriage to this guy?

So's son is fourteen, there are plenty of additional times coming up in the future where both Mom and Dad will be attending the same events. HS graduation, perhaps sports that son participates in, a wedding eventually ...are you going to get angry and ban your SO from all of it?

You can't control what crazy the ex pulls, but if you trust your SO and honestly believe he's worthy of that trust, you'll know he will handle himself appropriately. If you have to put the man on a leash to keep him obedient and at your side, well, what kind of a relationship is that?

I don't know what to advise except to say, if his son wants him there, fine, but just arrive at the last minute and follow the coffin out and jump in his car...then he technically attend but doesn't stand around the reception. The son at 14 should be fine with his mother only, I think your DH has a magnified sense of his importance in this.

In my case, BM showed up at her ex-MIL's funeral to "support" the skids. No one wanted her there, not the skids, certainly not the deceased lady who hadn't spoken to,BM in 15 years! She is a huge, cheating, drama queen...it's all about impression management.

We weren't surprised when BM fell weeping on the coffin as it got carried out of the church. SS25 and SS28 had to lead her away so the pallbearers could get by! We all (DH's seven siblings) had a good laugh about it at the wake. Even the skids were looking embarrassed.

Where we live, they list the mourners in the local paper. BM didn't make the roster...probably because at some point she's probably made enemies with the staff at the newspaper. She is a legend for all the wrong reasons.

I only tell you this so you can make something humorous out of your plight. It would actually be good if your DH goes and then BM finds out he's not taking the bait. He can use it as a chance to show how "over her" he is.

Why don't you go with him?

BM's mother passed away a couple years ago, and DH asked if he should go or send flowers. I said he should send a card or something to SD to show support, but didn't think anything else was necessary. SD was very close to her grandmother, but she had BM and cousins and family to grieve with. I think DH's presence would have made things a little awkward. I'm not sure he would have attended if SD had asked him to go, but it's possible. I would not.

If the BM in this case acts like she is not over DH, I agree, go along, and maybe just to the viewing to show support.

Why do you even know about the so-called flirting/accused flirting? Your DH shouldn't be boring you with tales of BM. Of course if he wants to go, or his kid would appreciate DH's going to the funeral, he should go. Nothing to do with BM.

Sounds like your boyfriend believes that he should make an appearance at the service and he should go without questions or concerns you may have.

In my opinion now is not the time of you to go. Its her dads funeral and your boyfriends son's Grandfather.

DS14 uncle passed away last week. I lucked out with out of town services. I had planed to give DS the option the choice if he wanted me there. If so, I would sit in the back in case he needed me.

Think of it this way. Your SS has lost his grandfather at a difficult time of his life. Young men need the men in their families to show them the way into adulthood. Or even how not to behave by example. SS will not have those important lessons. I know my boys learnt far more form their grandfather than their father.
If ExFIL was a pretty good guy and SS looked up to him it behoves FianceGuy to turn up and support his son and show him how to conduct himself in such situations.
Not going because his exwife is likely to make a scene puts AAALLLLL the power in her court. He should man up and turn up out of respect. So she throws herself at him sobbing her heart out, FianceGuy extracts himself and passes her over to another relative. Done and done.

If my ex's father died, I would not go to the funeral. My bios are not close to him, but even if they were they would have their dad and his family there for support and would not also need me there.

I believe the only time I would go to a funeral for my ex's side would be if it was my ex, my bios father, that died, THEN I would definitely need to be there to support my children. Now, if my children are adults at that time, I'm not sure if I'd attend even for their father's death.

The ex's family will be there to support kids and I don't see a reason for an ex to attend, unless they were super close and all still got along really well, and even then you should go along with him, although I know for me that would be very awkward.