Ex Issues ... Is it me???
This is my first post so hopefully I'm doing this right because I need some advice! I have been married to my husband for 11 years. We were both married before. I have a 13 year old son, he has a 21 year old son, and we have a 4 year daughter together. My husband's ex-wife never remarried. They were married for 16 years and have been divorced now for 18 years. They get along very well.
HERE IS MY PROBLEM...My step-son is in the Marine Corp and Parent Day is this weekend. Obviously, they are both attending and I agree they should. I was not asked to attend. I would not have probably gone (becuae of our two children at home), but it would have been nice to be asked. Anyway, it is a 5 hour trip for them. They will more than likely drive together which I don't know if I totally like. Then they will spend the whole day together with their son. I'm not sure if they are spending the night or not. I don't get much information. When they went to their son's graduation from the Marine Corp, which I wasn't invited to, she suggested that they stay in the same hotel room (along with his parents). I was furious!! My husband does not understand my feelings and generally thinks I am over-reacting. She is very friendly to me, but I think she definately oversteps the boundaries. While their son was growing up, I had to tolerate the three of us sitting together at games. Sometimes my in-laws would come to the games and I'm the one who felt out of place! My mother in law (MIL) once even told me that the ex is her best friend. My MIL still has pictures of her hanging in her house and they are still very close and spend time together. My marriage is a little rocky so I am insecure when it comes to him spending any time with his ex expecially because she never re-married. He hunts on her property and he would go over and repair things at her house. I really think I have a reason to be upset and angry. He just doesn't get it though. If I say anything to him, it just starts a fight and I feel even worse. PLEASE HELP!!! How can I deal with this?
It is DEFINITELY NOT
It is DEFINITELY NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!! Stay in the same hotel room? With his parents?! WTF!!!!! Your husband needs to better understand your idea of boundaries (each woman is different regarding what is okay and what is not but sharing a hotel room is pretty universal!!) For me, the going over and fixing stuff and hunting on her property would be too much…I recall when my husband (then BF) and I got together and he was going to go over biomoms to put together his daughter’s bed…I was NOT to comfortable with that and shared that with him….call it petty but I think an ex is an ex is an ex…PD! How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? (I’m sure you’ve asked him this…) what does he say?
Make a GREAT Day!
Sorry…that threw me
Sorry…that threw me completely off and I vented for you!! You are looking for solutions and I would suggest that the two of you try to discuss it during the “off season” i.e. when things are going okay…not when a situation arises…ask him if you can even “schedule” a time to discuss it where the two of you both come prepared to talk about this specific issue and at that time attempt to “etch out” some boundaries that you both can agree to…write it down...that way when it does come up again and gets heated, you have something to reference and alter as needed…sounds kinda corny but having things as clear cut as possible always works best for me even though you are dealing with a “grey area”…WELCOME and keep us posted!
Make a GREAT Day!
Thanks, Nise
Thanks for venting for me. I'm sometimes made to think that I'm the only woman that feels the way I feel. Also, thanks for the advice. I don't know if it will work though. He seems to see things HIS way and thinks I over-react. He's also become less of a communicator over the years. It will be hard for me this weekend when the two of them take the 11 hour round trip together. I have asked him "how would you feel...?" He tells me it wouldn't bother him, but who knows. However, if I knew that it did bother him there would be no way I would do it. That's just me. Time will drag this weekend only because I don't want this to happen! Sorry to sound like a broken record, it's just hard for me to deal with this. Thanks for "listening."
Ex Issues
I am glad to hear that there are others out there that share the same feelings that I do. I too have ex issues. My fiance' is still close to his ex, she too has not remarried nor does she even date. They talk several times a week, granted their conversations are about their son most of the times, but they also talk about things that we do or are going to do. I think somethings are none of her business, especially when it pertains to my kids. One month I counted 56 calls to her from his cell phone and that does not include the calls that took place at his office.
Anyway, I just want you to know that you are not alone and that I think, for what it is worth, you are justified in feeling this way. I am not sure what can be done about this. I guess we just have to trust them. I know that I have talked to my fiance' several times and he has become more sensitive to the subjects that he talks to his ex about. Sometimes I think it is more of a habit than anything.
I wish you luck and if you get any great words of wisdoms on the subject, please share them.
Wow, 56 calls in one month?
Wow, 56 calls in one month? I don't think my husband has spoken to his ex-wife since summer 2005. They do email every now and then, if there's an issue that comes up, but otherwise he avoids her like the plague.
~ Anne ~