Go to a counselor by yourself for an advise?
Hey all,
I really need an advise. Have anyone of you got real help from a counselor, and you can say that the money you spent was worth it?
I'm stuck in this situation for about ten years, and is just getting worse.
We have a different cultural background, my husband is a latino, I'm an european. He got a son 14 yo, who is in special education with low IQ, and he had some autistic traits growing up, but lately they say he is delayed in many area and has sensory and other issues.
SS14 is visiting us every second weekend.
I got my own 16yo son, and we have a 3yo together.
SS14 is very rude, and nasty with my 16yo, and me. On the top of it he is constantly touching himself front of me, and I also have to watch my 3yo to not get close to him, because the last time he pulled the little one in his bed with him. This is really freak me out, because he wants my toddler's attention, calling him when we don't look for a moment, etc.
I nearly died 3 years ago, and trying to recover and enjoy my life with my kids. But every second weekend is a nightmare, my husband is all irritated when SS14 is here, raising his voice on us and being very defensive about him. I try to go out for the day, but my husband gets upset about it, and say things loud like: don't worry son, I will take you out to watch a movie. His son hates me (thanks to BM), but DH makes me feel guilty about not wanting to spend time with him.
Since SS14 is getting so big, I mentioned to my husband that one day he will be a man, and I would feel uncomfortable around him with all the sexual and deviant behavior, and bad attitude.
So I wanted to know when he is older, if they could meet somewhere, and no more sleepovers.
My husband got very very mad about this idea, and he said that he will bring him to our house forever. (He also thinks that a man should live with his parents until they get married.)
Anyway I need to know if my expectations are realistic from a professional, but I have no money to waste, so please let me know your experiences.
Thank you!
WEB CAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WEB CAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everywhere. When SS-14 fondles himself, makes sexual or aggressive gestures towards you or your boys, particularly the 3yo,etc... you have it recorded and you show DH and you call the police. He pulled your 3yo in to bed??? :jawdrop: This must be addressed and it sounds to me as if SS-14 needs to be in a group home under professional control, care, and supervision and far from your family. He is a danger to everyone it sounds like.
As for counseling. Absolutely it can be beneficial. I benefited greatly from continueing to so see the counselor that my XW and I were seening at the time XW walked out of therapy and moved in with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy.
The therapist helped me rediscover the man I like to be, reconnect with my "childlike passion for life" as she called it, and prepare to move on to an amazing life and 20 year marriage to my amazing bride.
So, yes. Counseling alone can help. It did for me.
Good luck.
I saw a counsellor just to
I saw a counsellor just to try to sort out a very similar situation. Unfortunately my counsellor was tongue-tied as to what direction to take....my former (I'm free of the marriage now) Stepson, at age 11, in a fit of rage, killed a cat in front of our house. He's attacked me as well, and my sons tell me that him and his sister were inspecting each other's private parts one day, at age 13. HE is ADHD and has a severe learning disability. If nothing else, protect your 3 yr old! I have a 5 yr old daughter, who still lives with her mother. This SS demon bruised her one day. I didn't want to call the police, but I did call the school and tell all of this to the pricipal, just trying to find answers. My counsellor told me "He may grow out of the behaviour...don't do anything drastic to get him removed from the home" That is a crock of shit. I have immense fear, now that I'm not in that home to ensure my daughter's safety. Unfortunately for me, and perhaps for you, involving an outside source like children's services could make things even worse, as they could remove ALL the children. I agree with Goodtimes...if the children aren't disciplined now, prison guards may do it later. I am certain that my SS will act out again. Killing small animals is as sick as it gets. If I were in your shoes, and your SS went near your 3 yr old, I'd call the cops, whether or not it threatens your marriage. Looking back on my own situation, my marriage was over before it ended, with mom denying that her kids had issues and me resenting her for it...I should have had that bastard removed from the house the day he killed that cat, for the safety of the other children in the house. At least then he may have gotten the help he needs, rather than being coddled by a mother who's in deep denial. Good advice form Rags..web-cams!
Thank you for your input
Thank you for your input @goodtimes! SS14 is receiving counseling in the school, but they don't know many things about him. Both of his parents are in denial, and they not communicating with each other. He had some notes for parents two years ago that he is touching, hugging kids inappropriately.
We are in the USA in NJ, and by the law both parents need to agree on take him to therapy.
@Step.tococis ; no free counseling here, one session could cost $110-250 . So my plan was to go once, and make the most out of it. lol.
My husband says that he don't have a problem, only me, so I'm the one who needs counseling.
@Rags, thank you. SS14 is very tricky, and my older son recorded once how he played with a four year old girl in a family gathering. He was in a separate room with her, and told her to push 'buttons' on his private part. He made it all playful and funny. He is smart. He would not do it front of adults. My husband won't believe us, that's why we had to record it.
He just watched it quietly the video, than he said that he will talk to him privately.
Obviously he is not going to change at this point, he is just getting worse.
My husband is resenting me for not wanting to spend any time with his son anymore, and I resenting him for protecting his son rather than protecting us from him.
I will try to have advise from a counselor about how to reduce SS14 's presence in my life, so I could have some hope for the future.
OMG @JayS, that is a horrible story! Happy for you that you are out of that marriage, and can't imagine how stressful can be to have a daughter in that family. That is a nightmare! That's the other thing I don't want to end this marriage right away, because my husband would have my little one with his 14yo when he have visitations.
Counseling has does wonders
Counseling has does wonders for me and my blended family. I wouldn't expect much out of one session, personally. It costs me $40 per session because I see a marriage and family therapist and it's covered under insurance. My co-pays are kinda high though so I pay$40 each session. You should look into that
Next, I tried out 2 other therapists before I found the one I liked. It's important to have one you like and trust otherwise what use is their opinion/guidance?
The first session usually consists of going over the background and history of the person/couple so the therapist can have a clear picture of where you're coming from and why you might be displaying some behaviors you do, etc etc. To get to know the patients pretty much.
Then you get into main issues in the following sessions. My DH and I have been able to really communicate better and make decisions in the best interest of our marriage FIRST and really hear each other out. We present a more united front to the kids (some slip ups here and there)and it helps keep the kids in line. I ask for advice, and the therapist gives me good guidance and also tells me if I may have made a mistake or how to best approach something.
It really helps us to have a 3rd party present to mediate our issues. To validate our claims or provide alternate ways of looking at a situation and developing solutions. We want to beat the odds and know it's a rough road ahead of us and that's why we're going to counseling, before there are problems in our marriage. Right now we only have blended family troubles.
I strongly recommend that you give up some other extra expenses you incur to instead spring for counseling regularly. 2x per month for you to go together would be perfect. Call your insurance company. There are counselors covered under insurance, and some don't take insurance, not sure why.
You have real issues that need to be fixed and DH isn't picking YOU. He is picking his kid,and he's not even thinking in the kids best interest and acknowledging there is a problem. Also he may be touching HIS other daughter, so he should really be more concerned here. Your concerns are valid. Go to counseling, you are a good mom.
Free Counseling
You might check with your or your husband's employer to see if they offer an employee assistance program (EAP) as part of your benefits. If they do you may be able to get a referral and several therapy sessions for free.