Personal for us we dot have a good BM she just took off after putting me through hell, my blogs say it all...

However from my families expereinces this is what I have seen that works and that doenst.

Good:

*Communication is kept only about the children
*All communication that does occur the step mom or dad is included on what happened.
*No fighting in front of the kids
*No negative comments about the other person in front of them.
*Keeping information updated but at appropriate times. Email is a great way to send updates about school, events, ect.
*talking about behavior of the child and how to fix it, agreeing.
*Communicating about holidays and birthdays, not trying to compete

Bad:
*Personal information being shared, updates on their life, their relationship.
*Unnecessary phone calls/odd hours and private conversations
*threatening of parenting time, demanding more money.
*Using kids as ponds
*At drop offs the invasion of space, walking into the home.
*yelling, constant disagreements
*wanting whats best for them not the kid.

There is more I am sure but that is off the top of my head.

I'll tell you my experience and the red flag right of the bat that I ignored....
My now husband told me when i met him " my ex and I are good friends, we talk about things..etc.." At first i i thought, well that's nice and mature. Wish I could be that way...Later on this was my worse nightmare. Luckly enough my now husband loved me an appreciated our relationship enough to make some very dramatic changes.
This X would call my husband every day to talk about things that happened to her, who she was dating, who she broke up with , when she got herpes, when she was depressed, when her car broke down, when her dryer broke,to change her schedule for picking up her daughter cause she wanted to go dancing,etc..you name it, he was the first phone call. Until i got fed up and told him I was sick and tired of sharing his attention with her. She is an X and she needs to stay in the past. I wrote him a very long email with my feelings that had been bubbling up for years. I told him that maybe they should be together again since they seems to get along so wel now. I told him I didnt need to hear about her life, her drama her issues NOTHING!
UNless it was related to the child there should not be friendly talk. I was very clear on how it was hurting me and that if it didnt stop, i was not sure I could hang around. He didnt agree with everything I said, but he understood my point. So now they text about pick up and drop off times, and every now and then have conversations that pertain to the well being of the child they have together. If the person you meet is having too much contact with the X you must put your foot down quick or move on. I say this, because some X's never let go. If I had known I was going to be attached to such an unstable, drama queen , irresposible, bratty barbey that his X is, I probably would not ran........ He is a great man, but he comes with a very very very heavy load(his X and the 9 year old daughter that is seeing her mothers example and seems to be turning in to her mother.)

I'll tell you my experience and the red flag right of the bat that I ignored....
My now husband told me when i met him " my ex and I are good friends, we talk about things..etc.." At first i i thought, well that's nice and mature. Wish I could be that way...Later on this was my worse nightmare. Luckly enough my now husband loved me an appreciated our relationship enough to make some very dramatic changes.
This X would call my husband every day to talk about things that happened to her, who she was dating, who she broke up with , when she got herpes, when she was depressed, when her car broke down, when her dryer broke,to change her schedule for picking up her daughter cause she wanted to go dancing,etc..you name it, he was the first phone call. Until i got fed up and told him I was sick and tired of sharing his attention with her. She is an X and she needs to stay in the past. I wrote him a very long email with my feelings that had been bubbling up for years. I told him that maybe they should be together again since they seems to get along so wel now. I told him I didnt need to hear about her life, her drama her issues NOTHING!
UNless it was related to the child there should not be friendly talk. I was very clear on how it was hurting me and that if it didnt stop, i was not sure I could hang around. He didnt agree with everything I said, but he understood my point. So now they text about pick up and drop off times, and every now and then have conversations that pertain to the well being of the child they have together. If the person you meet is having too much contact with the X you must put your foot down quick or move on. I say this, because some X's never let go. If I had known I was going to be attached to such an unstable, drama queen , irresposible, bratty barbey that his X is, I probably would not ran........ He is a great man, but he comes with a very very very heavy load(his X and the 9 year old daughter that is seeing her mothers example and seems to be turning in to her mother.)

Communication between parents is important, but there must be boundaries. Discussion should be about the kids (visitation, school, dr appoinments, etc). No need to talk about details in current relationships. No need to discuss personal problems/issues with an ex. That is crossing boundaries.

No need for parents to be buddies. They just need to be parents. That's where their relationship stops. In your home, rules are set by you & your partner/spouse. They are NOT influenced by the other parent. They get to make the rules for their home & they keep their nose out of yours.

The idea is to have 2 separate healthy functioning households to provide stability for the kids.

There's no need for your partner to carry on private conversations with an ex. Nothing should be communicated that you aren't allowed to hear. This is not to say that she should never take a phone call without you being present, but privacy should not have to be required for her to speak to her ex.

A relationship/marriage will not work if the two partners cannot present a united front. This means you & your partner support & back each other as the foundation of your home. If there are issues with her kids, you & her work together to deal with them. Just like you respect her position as a partner & mother, she must respect your position as a partner & father-figure.

It sounds like your partner wasn't over her ex & wasn't at a healthy place emotionally to get involved in a relationship with you.

A lot of people here will swear against steplife. I am fortunate to have a husband who respects me as a partner & despite the issues we face with his kids & his ex, we have a very strong, healthy, & happy marriage.

Steplife is difficult. Things will not always go as planned, but intact families have issues too. Some people are capable of loving someone else's child(ren) & others are not. We all struggle & that's what you read about here. As much hurt as I have suffered in my experience, I love my husband & I love his kids & I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. If I'd sworn off men with kids after my divorce, I'd have never experienced the happiness I have with my husband now. I wouldn't give it up for the world.

Well, I have the distinct displeasure of dealing with not one but **two** bio-daddy's.

Bio-daddy # 1 is the father of my SS20. He's lazy and disgusting, but we've never had major issues with him. When DW and I met, she described him as being like a "big brother." Over the years, I have noticed her being overly chummy with him, and I told her that I was uncomfortable with such behavior. I advised that I felt she should only converse with him on issues that pertain to SS20. There was never any "secret" communication, or anything physical as far as I know, but I was not happy about her being so friendly with him. DW has more or less complied with my request. SS is 20 now, so there is not much need to communicate about parenting anymore.

Bio-daddy # 2 is the father my SD17. He is a **complete** asshole. For the first couple of years I was married to DW, this bio-daddy actively worked to break us up. He "surveiled" DW's apartment after we were first married, hoping to catch her with an "overnight, unrelated male visitor." DW has a clause in her Decree that does not allow overnight male guests, so this could have gotten her in trouble with the judge (he quit doing this when he found out that we were married). Bio-daddy also threatened to try and get custody of SD, which he knew would devastate DW. For a couple of years, DW lived in absolute terror of this happening. I guess he thought that this kind of turmoil would drive me off or something, but of course it didn't. He also sued us twice, again trying to stir up trouble, but nothing came of it. For the last few years, he has been more subtle, engaging in a relentlass PAS campaign with SD17, trying to get her to act up and disrespect me, again with the intent of frustating me into leaving. That didn't work either. I think that he has resigned himself to contuing the PAS until SD17 is out of high school, since that is really the only option left to him. He knows it won't make me leave, but I guess he figures that he will keep doing it so as to continue making difficulties.

Like others have said here, set boundaries, and set them early. If you have a meddler like Bio-daddy # 2 above, you have to work together and be strong. It's not easy. Although DW is a coddling "friend" parent to SD17, she has at least been somewhat receptive to my ideas about keeping her ex's at bay.

My advice... If the girl is either too chummy or too angry at the EX - RUN either way. What you want is a well balanced relationship with an EX. You CANNOT have a good relationship with someone that is still having a relationship with an EX. Notice I said "Still having a relationship with an EX". Relationship is the key word here. That is a waste of your precious time....