Is it me??
To make a long story short.... this is my second marriage... I have two boys one 16 and the other 19. I got married when I was 17... yeah... thought I knew it all.... LOL... well I married early this year... April... the guy is great... he has one son that just turned 10. The problem... I knew he was a wonderful father but now I am thinking he's over compensating for his childhood. We are going through an evaluation because his ex is a Narcissist and has major issues, they both have shared custody... one week here at home .. one week at his mom's. I love his son but it has become more apparent that he lives his life according to his son. I don't.. not even when I was a single mom.. I had a great relationship with my ex.. and my boys are pretty normal with no major issues. His son acts like a 6 year old and constantly whines... and manipulates his dad... I finally got him to use his own bathroom and two weeks later his begs his daddy to take a shower in our shower. My husband puts him to bed lays in the bed with him and treats him like he's five or six. I raised both my boys with discipline and respect.. until recently his son was still sleeping in our bed... I am a girl... with girl parts and I am incredible uncomfortable with this... he finally stopped it. I am miserable when he's here ... I mean I started staying later at school (I am a teacher) to get home later. He says things like (I promised.... that we would go.... this weekend) and when I am not my usual happy self he asks why? I tell him that I just wished he would talk to me before making his son promises. If I am going to cook something he wonders if his son will like it. When we pick his son up on Sundays he asks him what do you want for dinner? I am sitting in the car.... it becomes about what his son wants.. if we go do groceries he walks ahead with his son putting his arm around him. If we are sitting together at a restaurant and I get up to go to the bathroom when I come back I have to sit in the empty seat. I get home from work and he doesn't have a friend over... we can't even watch a movie because he interrupts ups every few minutes saying how bored he is. If we run into people and we are talking he constantly interrupts ... I don't know I am really scared that our marriage will be over if he gets primary custody. If he's son is home he wants to eat constantly out of boredom of course. I sometimes feel that it's all in my head. I have spoken to him about this issue and how my life can not revolve around his ten year old son.
We went to a game at my school and he was hanging all over his son. I felt like I was there by myself. I am starting to resent my stepson, and I really love him. In comparison my boys are so respectful ..... He makes the world about his son.
Am I being a selfish bitch??
Oooooooohhhhhhhh
Oooooooohhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooo. I know exactly how you feel. You aren't being a bitch. I don't know how to fix dads like this, but I've got one that I'm dealing with as well. All I can say is GOOD LUCK. Find what works for you and hopefully make this easier, because you have at least 8 years left of this, and if he keeps it up, even more than 8 years left! Just wanted to say you're not alone!
No, you are not a selfish
No, you are not a selfish bitch. These dads contribute or even cause their kids behavior and then wonder why we get upset. My husband has gotten a little better with discipline, but it is still a sticking point. They don't realize how hard it is on us to have to deal with their kids. We love them as if they were our own, but don't have the same infinite level of tolerance for the kid's terrible behavior that they do.
I have experienced flavors of
I have experienced flavors of this, my husband has full custody of his two boys, but he obviously favored the older one when they first moved in. The older son is a master manipulator.
In the four years we have been together, we have slowly but surely been able to reverse some of the damage that was done early on. Again my husband has full custody. The issue I run into is the time this boy spends with his BM and my husbands mom. Generally things are worse just after a visit, so I would imagine if we were doing week on week off it would have been harder to get him to accept that there are rules in this house even if you are the center of attention at the other houses you visit.
What I am trying to say, is you and your husband will get more of his undivided attention if your husband gets full custody. Now it has taken 4 years to get to the point where we have more good days then bad days, the begining of school always sucks because of how much time he spends away during the summer, it takes almost a month to "re-program" the kid for reality, where people don't give him everything he wants when he wants it.
I will tell you it will 100% take you and your husband getting on the same page. It is an impossible battle till that happens. My husband right now is 80/20 when it comes to supporting me, and even though the other 20 wants to make me pull my hair out, you need to pick you battles.
One of the first battles I waged was privacy in our master suite. His boys would just come running in at any time of the day. When I explained to him that I could be naked on any of these instances and what would happen when his boys tell their mom or grandmother that they had seen me naked? That I should be able to change and take showers in peace without worrying about his boys unceremoniously joining me. That was a pretty easy battle to win.
The sleeping in the bed became an issue after his mother mentioned she was worried that the boys had been sexually abused because they like to play with their winkies, which at the age they were at was normal, I told my husband I would not put myself in a situation that would allow someone to paint me as a pedophile, and that they could not sleep with us as long as his mother and BM where hostile to our new family.
Counseling for the kid has helped quite a bit because you can bounce issues you see off the therapist in front of your husband. I have found in general it helps about 60% of the time.
Figure out what is REALLY important to you sit down and talk to him about his son, explain to him you understand he loves his son, and that you do to, but that you are entitled to an important role in your husbands life also.
I think what makes it worst
I think what makes it worst is the fact that my boys live with their dad since I had to take a job two hours away from where I used to live. My 16 year old is still in high school and I found it almost impossible to force him to move with me plus it would have been selfish of me because he's been at that school over six years.... I do love my SS... I mean he can be very sweet but when he acts like a baby I have a real hard time dealing with it. When he has a friend over daddy doesn't exist for him.... but once they live it's like daddy... this.... daddy that... I mean I don't know any 10 year old's that called their dad daddy... my nephew is 6 and he calls my brother in law "dad".... he even goes and has lunch with him at least once a week... my SS has a real hard time making friends because he wants them to do only what he wants to do.. once the other kids see this... they don't want to play with him. I mean I told my husband and refuse to fight for attention with a 10 year old. If he's son does his chores he makes it a BIG DEAL!! and I just kind of say good.... job... ??? :? :? :? :? :?
I mean my boys always have had chores specially since they lived with me... they knew I needed their help. I feel bad.. I mean I am unhappy a lot when his son is with us which is everyday because even on her weeks my husband picks him up from school. So whenever I get home he's here... on her weeks what my husband started doing... is that he takes his computer to the living room until his son gets pick up... I am just tired so I just go to the bedroom and watch tv. When he leaves he comes into the bedroom and wants to interact with me..... I am like what the hell?????
He's ex will do anything to make me the evil SM... I mean my dogs suddenly are second rate pets because they are step pets... wtf???
If we drive to the other end of the community his son wants to sit in the front... I put my foot down and said NO.
If we go eat and he drinks a little too much I drive... the few times his son has been with us he sits in the back...
Thanks for writing back... I just feel so alone sometimes!!!!