Can you ever love a step child like your own?
Can you ever love a stepchild like your own? As I type that question I feel a heavy feeling in my heart, and I just take a deep breath. I'm a single parent of 4 children. My fiance has one son living with us. We've been engaged for three years and together for 6 years. He's hands down the perfect person for ME!!! With that being said, he's not a family man, which is breaking my heart. He's a good man, calm, honest, loyal; we have a lot in common,...., etc. He isn't a hands-on dad with his own son, 16 years old. He lets him stay in his room the majority of any given day and play on the computer and do who knows what else. I don't agree with it at all, but I'm done banging my head on that wall. We've known each other since I was 16, but we lost touch over the years, connecting again six years ago. I know from the past that the "core" of him is good. I ask myself if I would want my girls to marry a man like him. I say yes to every point about him, except for how detached he is from the family life. It's so confusing because I know that he had a close family when he was younger, they traveled, always had family and friends over, he played sports in school...etc.
I feel like I'm wasting both of our lives, and exposing the kids to us being together, but ultimately I don't think it's going to work. He is nothing but nice to the kids (when he interacts with them), he would always be there for them... Is that enough?
I have a good relationship with his son. We spend time together and I encourage him to have friends, socialize, and come out of his room. He's addicted to computers... (I wonder why?) My fiance has three children. The other two boys are living on their own. ... 21 and 18. They are both INTROVERTED and spend a lot of time on the computer too.
Please don't think I'm saying that my children have it all together and that I think I'm the best mom. I'm always trying to improve who I am. I have two boys, 20 and 17... two girls 11 and 9. The boys say he's nice, but that he's just "here". My 11 year old daughter used to be loving to him, but now she's rude and doesn't want me to marry him. My 9 year old loves him, and defends him. Apparently, when they go to their dads, he still bad mouths him, and my older daughter "took her dads side".
Any feedback would be good...
DH & I have been together for
DH & I have been together for 14 years, married for 6. His kids were young when we met...5 & 7.
BM is malicious toward DH & I both. She has been since we met.
I've worked so hard to be thoughtful of the kids...the things I say, the way I say them, etc. I've always tried hard to be sensitive of their feelings & understanding of the situation they're in.
One thing that BM & the kids ALWAYS hounded DH on was "alone time". He's always been so good about including me in activities. I don't know if it's always been in support of me. I suspect that there were times it was done in fear of feeling like he wasn't enough for them on his own.
Regardless of the reasons, that point always stuck with me. The kids are grown now & came over the other night for several hours. They were all in the den watching TV & I found myself in the bedroom...watching TV. Once I became aware of it, I actually went through the situation in my head & debated whether I should I go watch TV in the den with everyone else, or should I just give them some time alone?
It was stupid. They came to visit US. They hugged me when they got there. They told me they love me & we all ate dinner together. Everyone migrated to the den except me.
It's something that was hammered on for years & it's just stuck with me.
All that said, is there a chance that maybe he's just trying not to be overbearing? Have you talked with him about the disconnect? What does he have to say about it?
My path with my stepkids has
My path with my stepkids has come a very long way. They are very polite with us. DH made it clear years ago that that was expected. It's been no easy task.
I didn't say they were coming to visit both of us equally. I wouldn't have even THOUGHT to measure how much of the visit was to see him vs. me. Giving it that much thought seems like a waste of brainpower to me. It creates a contest where there shouldn't have to be one. I simply said they came to visit US.
Their drive to see us is almost 2 hours. They do plan their visits around when we are both there so that they can visit both of us.
If my husband were to die, I do think they would continue to visit me.
My mother-in-law passed away 2 1/2 years ago. We continued to visit with my DH's stepdad after she passed. In fact, we got to be closer with him after her passing than we were before. A year ago he was admitted to the hospital where they discovered he had terminal lung cancer. 10 months ago they sent him home on hospice care. We moved in with him & my DH became his caregiver. For 9 months, hospice came for about 1 hour 3 days a week & outside of that, my DH did everything for his stepdad. We talked with him, laughed with him & cried with him.
He hadn't seen his daughter in 12 years & had never met his granddaughter. It hurt him. I called & begged her to come see him & 10 days before he passed away, she did.
We did everything we could do for his stepdad & would do it again.
There has been a lot of hurt in my experience as a SM, but with it has come a lot of growth, love & appreciation.
I don't love my stepkid like
I don't love my stepkid like I love my kids. There is a woman on the site though that I would say she loves her step kid more than the bio mom does. She's doing all the work while the bio mom is off having her druggie time with her boyfriend. So yes there are some people that love their step kids like their own.
i say yes, you can. it's
i say yes, you can. it's entirely possible, but incredibly rare. there are so many factors that have to fall into line juuuuust perfectly for there to even be a chance u'll bond with a skid. and remember too, if there's more than one stepkid the chances are even lower...
but it is possible- just ask both my parents.
ETA - it is such an uncommon occurance tho' that no one should EVER feel discouraged or less of a stepparent if they dont. because NOT loving your skids as your own is completely and totally NORMAL.