Is it me, am I expecting too much?
4 kids , he brought 2 (a 5 year old and 2 year old) I brought 2 (8 and 6). His situation is hostile with his x, so hostile there is no communication. His son comes the first week of the month, his daughter joins us on the weekend and then they both come back the third weekend of the month. My situation: every week my X and I swap the kids. We have kids coming and going, sometimes together, somtimes not.
So what is the problem. Well it can get overwhelming.
I started feeling resentment a few months after we moved in.
It was things like he did all his laundry and his kids laundry but left mine and my kids.
Only put away their laundry.
Got up making breakfast for only his kids as I scramble to get lunches made.
I try to point it out nicely but I get emotional.
I recently felt hurt over my son's birthday. My son came to us at 6 pm and we went home and waited for my partner to come so we could celebrate him opening his gifts.
I put away all the groceries and my partner came home with his son. He set up a train set for his son. My son is asking me about his gifts, he just turned 6 and is excited. I asked my partner if he could get his camera so we could take pictures. I told my son as soon as I put the groceries away he could open his gifts. My son sat there patiently. We were at the table.
My partner sat on the floor with his son setting up the train track for a good 10- 15 minutes not helping me. He was in the other room just a few feet away. There is no wall.
I said it was time to open gifts, he sat there still playing with his son not even saying anything. He was not mad at me, there was no tension.
He was not at the table enjoying the moment, just playing with his 2 year old.
I started to get upset and could feel myself well up.
When it was his daughters birthday we made a big deal over her gifts, everyone sat at the table, she had a huge celebration.
I ran down the hall crying with my son's toy, telling my son I had to go to the bathroom.
He may not have meant to but it hurt me.
I did talk with him later.
He basically told me he was distracted and sorry but he saw my kids on Halloween and he misses his son more.
Another stab.
I told him it was Zach's special day and today should have been about Zach.
I treat his kids with respect.
I greet them when they come in the door, I give them hugs and kisses. I say goodnight to them.
I had to ask him why he never says hello to my kids when he comes home from work. Why does he never say goodnight to them or even good morning.
We went swimming and I watched the 3 kids for 2 hours while he played with the 2 year old. I told him 3 times we should be all watching all the kids and I needed help.
He says he is not doing it intentionally I need to ask him to do these things.
I told him if it was his child would he have not been at the table while she opened her gifts?
All that turned into was a fight.
What should I expect.
We have lived together for almost a year.
He has known my kids for almost 2.
What is realistic to expect from him?
He sounds incredibly
He sounds incredibly self-absorbed. You are making an effort to incorporate his kids into your life, He needs to do the same with yours. He isn't showing much compassion if he ignores your son on his birthday, in my opinion.
He sounds SELFISH as if he's
He sounds SELFISH as if he's only living with you out of convenience, like a room-mate and NOT as a partner!
If he's ALWAYS done this, he's not going to change. You can accept that & live with it, or you can accept that and NOT live with it--you are the one who needs to make a choice, if he is not willing to bend.
Why should you be watching his daughter as well as your 2 children? Personally, disengage from watching her, and go do stuff with your own children. Yes, it's harsh, but it'll show him that he can't focus only one of his 2 children.
It was rude of him to ignore your son's birthday. It was rude of him to ignore your situation w/ not helping w/ the groceries...but did you ASK him to help you with the groceries or just assume that if he saw you doing all that work, he'd pitch in? A lot of the times I have to literally point out to my hubby something I want done...because, ta-da, he cannot read my mind. Not saying that's your case, but I've come to the conclusion that my hubby will focus on one thing, whereas I see the whole picture. It's just the way he is, so instead of assuming he is on the same wavelength, I specify what I need or want.
If our SS wants to do something special, he WILL pitch in to help so he can do his thing quicker. Offer that to your kids--they can help put away groceries, even if it's not to your satisfaction at the moment, the trick is they are pitching in & helping with household chores, which every child should be doing. Even the 2 year old can help carry a can to the pantry.
In reference to the pool incident, I gotta say you have a lot of patience...I think I would have left after the 1st time if he didn't bother to help out. Telling him, "I am going back to the apartment with my boys, you HAVE to watch your daughter now." and walk her over to him so he realizes you mean business and then walk away w/ your sons. Go to the pool later with them.
~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~
I don’t think he does it
I don’t think he does it consciously because he does love his daughter. His daughter always wants to be near my boys. Sometimes I feel like, why do I have to ask or point out. He said he was trying to keep up with the 2 year old whom runs anywhere and everywhere. He had a huge custody battle to get the limited time with his kids but whether they are there 2 days or 20 all the kids should be treated fairly.
I usually like to look at
I usually like to look at things from both points of view..but just from what your saying...he sounds selfish like the others said. It's all about him and his kids. He is not concerned AT ALL with your little guy's feelings. He is not at all concerned with yours either. Is this the type of man you want around you and your child? to make you and your son feel unvaluable? That his childrens birthdays are more important then your childrens? What the hell. Sweet heart come on...you really have to dig deep and ask yourself if this is the man you really want to spend your life with? I hope you come to an honest answer and be honest with yourself. You and your child are just as precious and valuable as his children are. Realize that!
Purpleflower
I appreciate your support.
I appreciate your support. If I say I am ending it he says “well that’s your choice, it is not what I want, but I can’t force you”…huh?????I tell him if he changed his behaviors then I would not feel this way.
He cannot see when he does things he should not. He has very limited relationship experience. I am not sure why he does not want to take more of an active role in my kids life. It hurts like hell.
It's 100%. You married a
It's 100%. You married a selfish guy. He sees only what is important to him. He is self-absorbed and cares not one what about your children.
You live with it or you cut your losses and move one not.
He is NOT going to change - don't even consider that possibility for one second. You must consider your child and what effect this could have on him. I have seen innumerable adults whose lives have been altered negatively because of a step-parent rejection. Don't let yours live in this environment.
You made a mistake - cut your losses.
My son did not notice, why
My son did not notice, why would he, he is only six. , I keep thinking "Nicole stop he is not your kids dad, he has his kids I have mine" but what kind of a family is that? He wants us to have our own. If he can't make time for my kids and help with them how will he do with a little one?
I would think very hard
I would think very hard about wanting to start a family with him if he can't 'share the love' so to speak with your children. Those children are from YOU.
I think you've answered your own question...if he can't make time for YOUR kids and help w/ the family life--what makes you think he'll change once a baby arrives? That will be a LOT more work for you, watching the older children plus the baby.
I'm sorry you have been put into a situation like that...no one should have to feel that way. Hugs to you.
~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~
I tried to talk to him
I tried to talk to him tonight. He cut me off after 15 seconds and told me that my perception was wrong (he never even heard it, although I have brought this up before). I sat there dumbfounded thinking If someone respects and loves me they would value and listen to my feelings. I realized it was pointless.
He disagrees that what happened, happened. He has no problem talking about things that happen.
It did happen. He may not have meant to ignore my son, but the fact that he won't even listen to me about my feelings hurts. No what? We are living together, suppossed to buy a house.
My heart is aching. He is the first man that I have been with since my divorce 3 years ago.
We have a wonderful relationship but when it comes to blending families there are things that are coming to surface and need to be dealt with.
These are probably normal things, I am having normal feelings, fears about will things work out, will he treat all the kids equal. Is it fair for me to expect these things when they are not his kids.
If we want to have a family it is.
I can't sleep, I hate this. Unfortunatley I ended the conversation because he would not listen to me.
He interupted me and I realized what is the point in talking. Now i have some thinking to do and these are not easy things to think about.
I am not perfect, but I do know this, all we have is today, make the best of it. And everyone's feelings matter, even if people do not agree with them, they still mattter. even if his intent was not to hurt, it still did. I still felt hurt, unfortunatly he does not want to know why or help me worj through it because in his mind it never happened that way, it was my perception and I am making things up to cause problems.
No, I need certain things that i am not getting, and I do not think those things are too much to ask for.
he seems to be seperating
he seems to be seperating the household. do you do things for/with HIS kids? if so, STOP, and see if he feels as you do.
YES YES YES, it is fair for
YES YES YES, it is fair for you to expect to be treated with dignity and respect, JellyBean. Everyone should be treated that way.
Have you thought of going to family counseling? Would he be willing? That's how I knew my marriage was finished when my ex refused to go to counseling over some major issues we had. He wouldn't even CONSIDER it. Same thing with my current hubby--his ex (the BM of my SS6)...she refused to go to any counseling to save their marriage, or even try to work on it. In both cases, their minds were made up that he marriage was not going to be fixed with any counseling.
To not let you discuss your feelings and cutting you off after 15 seconds, I can certainly understand why you are doubting this relationship.
My mom said that whenever my dad would get mad at her, he'd speak his mind, and then he'd leave the house. Just drive off and come back later. Meanwhile, SHE never got to speak her mind. She was so frustrated and would just simmer/stew and nothing would get resolved because he'd come back home & went on with life like nothing ever happened. My sister suggested that my mom write him a letter to tell him how it feels when he unloads on her, but she never gets to speak HER mind because he was always leaving. Mom did write that letter, and put it on his desk. He came home, happy as a lark, and she just sat watching TV. He got nosy, asked "What's this?" She didn't say anything, but being that it had his name on it, he opened up the envelope and read the entire letter. He apologized and told her he wasn't aware that she had feelings to discuss (because he was always leaving before she could tell him!)...
So my point is, maybe write him a letter discussing these feelings. Just put his name on the envelope and let him read it and approach you if he has comments. If he ignores it, or blows it off, I'd suggest thinking about where this relationship will be like in the future and if you really want to live that way.
Hugs to you, Jellybean.
~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~