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My boyfriend just spent 5k on a lawyer to fight his ex-wife's modification for custody and court ordered therapy. He said that she is accusing him of abuse. The problem is that's a lot of money for us as a couple when we are expecting a child in July. He has already spent 2k in lawyer fees? Should I just let it go because it's his money?
I would stay out of it. It's
I would stay out of it. It's his money, and he's fighting for his child. Accusations of abuse are serious so it's not a legal action where he should be going pro se. Now, if he expects you to pay his legal fees, or to pick up his share of expenses because all his money is going to legal fees, that's another story.
Is his ex usually high conflict? Does she have a history of taking him to court? Does he think her accusations are related to him having a baby with someone else? Are you a relatively new girlfriend or have you been with him for awhile?
Reaponse
Yeah, BM is high conflict with a history of taking her bull shit lies to court. He didn't even try to get the protection order against him removed because he wanted to stay out of court. I had to get an injunction against harassment against her. Both were dropped in a written legal agreement that we made to stay away from each other. Her accusations aren't related to me having a baby, but she has gotten more hostile since she has known I was pregnant. We got together after they separated and have been with each other for a year. However, I don't see that as relevant considering she has a history of cheating with multiple men.
My questions about baby/new
My questions about baby/new relationship were because some of these crazy BMs ramp it up when their exes have new girlfriends or new children. It sounds like this one is reading from the HCBM playbook. You could be in for a wild ride. Just know your limits and what you're willing to expose yourself and your child to.
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I totally agree with you. Her crazy came out after she found out I was pregnant. Yet, she continued to cheat with the same guy she was with prior to her divorce being announced when her husband found out.
The thing is... it is not his
The thing is... it is not his money. It is marital income and as such he is not free to spend it as he sees fit. How significant discretionary expenditures are dealt with is a relationship decision made together by equity life partners.
That said, going cheap when fighting a battle with the blended family opposition is rarely a good idea. If he fails to effectively confront the abuse alegations made by his X he could end up with a durable label that prevents him from being in proximity to minors, including his child with you.
IMHO you can't afford not to deal with this. Regardless of the financial costs.
To be clear, CS is not discretionary, it is a clear adult obligation to responsibly provide for kids. People in blended family marriages partner in delivering on that responsibility. Regardless of the biology of the kids that are being supported.
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It isn't marital income and I refuse to get married until these custody issues are resolved. His lawyer is going to try to make the divorce decree more specific so that no further issues arrise.
As far as my income, I'm widowed and my income will be going towards my children. I don't have the luxury of supporting someone else's child. My infant son only has one parent to rely on. On the other had my boyfriends son has a mom who is a nurse that makes $55,000 a year plus $1,600 a month in VA benefits. Then dad that makes over six fugues plus VA benefits.
Okay...
Then it is committed relationship income rather than marital income. Either way, it is not his income to deploy. Equity life partners, married or not, collaborate on these types of decisions.
IMHO of course.
And... it really does not matter if the couple makes a shit ton of money together or is barely scraping buy or if one of them earns all of the relationship income and other earns nothing. My DW and I both have had very successful professional careers. Though I am at the end of a 2yr full time employment drought and she has been the primary earner for that period. It has not mattered if she was the earner, or I was the sole earner during a 7 year expat adventure, or we are both working. If there are unusual expenditures to be made, we discuss it.
Well, is he paying his share
Well, is he paying his share of your household bills? Is he able to provide for your new child? if so, then yes, let him pay it - for now. But he should decide how far he wants to take court action, because if you go down that rabbit hole, you can end up paying 40-50K before you even know what happened.
Fighting abuse allegations is an emergency, in my mind. But endless court battles over stupid crap is NOT an emergency. If he has a high-conflict BM, he may end having to give up some of what he wants to stay out of court. As long as he's not giving up his child entirely, he should be prepared to do that.
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That's my concern is that he is going to be one of those people paying tens of thousands of dollars. Her allegations don't have evidence attached to them. She had a protection order dropped over the same allegations so that hurts her case. The child support she may be able to win, but it will be reduced once our child is born in July.
I don't think they reduce it
I don't think they reduce it much if at all for the birth of another kid.
It's hard to stay out of the court quicksand.
The reduced CS a whopping $10
The reduced CS a whopping $10.00 a month for my DS. Most states don't even factor it in. Do not count on this. Whoever files first wins, unfortunately.
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It is reduced in the state I live in.
Not unless the Judge decides
Not unless the Judge decides not to reduce it.
In our case, the more the SpermIdiot added to his brood of out of wedlock spawned children, the more his CS obligation to my SS went up... even when his income remained stagnant and my DW's went through the roof as she completed college degrees, obtained professional certifications, and grew a very lucrative career.
Even when he received an income reduction credit due to my high earnings, his CS obligation kept going up though that credit reduced the maximum he could have been nailed for at any given time by $50/mo. Materially his income reduction credit due to "step dad's significant income" was insignificant.
Generally, prior failed family progeny children have and maintain priority of benefit from the income of their parents with particularly favored support over subsequent half sibs added by their NCP.
I suggest that you play around with your State's CS calculator to test the impact to DH's CS obligation once your joint child is born. The primary event that reduces CS is when a SKid ages out from under the CS order. Even when that happens, when there are younger Skids still under that order Courts are hesitant to reduce the NCPs obligation until all of the SKids age out.
In our experience, my SS's SpermIdiot adding additional spawn to his brood had zero impact on the CS he owed for the support of my SKid.
Most States use some variant of the Income Shares model for setting CS. It is based most significantly on the income of each a kid's bio parents, how much parenting time each parent gets with the kid, and the designation of the CP and the NCP. The NCP owes.BioParent income is added together, a calcualtion is done to identify how much of that joint income is allocated for the care of the kid, parenting time is factored in, and .... Poof! A CS amount is spit out. Not much can change it.
I have always found it interesting that even if the CP has an extreme notably and continually increasing income advantage and the NCP may stay income stagnant or even have their income go down... CS under the Income Shares model can continue to go up significantly. It is about the total bioparent dollars and the parenting time. There is some minor impact due to adding non joint children by the NCP. But it seems to rarely be significant.
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He has one 8 year old son with her.
So depending on where you
So depending on where you live you are likely in the 10-12 year range from the no more CS obligation point.
My SS is approaching 29. He has three SpermIdiot spawned half sibs. A 24yo half sister by baby mama #2, and two half brothers, 22 and 20, by baby mama #3. The SperrmIdiot's mother paid his CS obligation for my SS for her POS son, and paid the other two baby mamas to let her raise the younger three. The SpermIdiot never paid a cent in support of any of his 4 out of wedlock spawn. As long as he was breeding she let him live rent free in one of the rental properties that SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa owned while his three younger kids all lived with SpermGrandHag and so did my SS when he was on SpermLand visitation.
It was just odd and the perfect storm of negative outcome for the full time resident spawn of the SpermClan's stew made from their shallow and polluted gene pool.
My SS is a clear example of the ability of nurture to overcome nature when commited, mature, quality adults partner to raise a kid, even a kid with a decided shallow and polluted end to their gene pool. Fortunately he has the benefit of a deep and clean end of his gene pool from my mutant wife. My IL clan is a whole other story.
Priorities
I would rather scrimp and save and eat peanut butter and chicken soup for months and months on end and then have a child abuse allegation stuck to my name. I would also make some pretty big sacrifices to ensure that all of my children spend time with me not just the one that's due soon. The child exists and BM is high conflict. Money spent in the early days is your only hope of peace in your later years.
He needs fo fight a Child Abuse Allegation
Or he could be put on the sex offender registry. That will effect you snd your family for ever .
If you don't actually go to court like she plays it until court date then withdraws complaint because of no evidence it should not cost that much. Going to actually court having a trial eats the money .
But saying that. There a limit of future Court cost. Because these woman will not stop there games
Was there a forensic exam and
Was there a forensic exam and interview performed on the child?
Where do things stand regarding the picture that you have of BM stealing/ breaking and entering your home?
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No forensic interview has not been performed yet because BM cannot agree the a specific therapist. DCS is currently handeling this dilemma.
I got a court agreement stating that she is not to come to my house and vice versa. So that at least keeps my mind at ease that she will not be entering my home anymore.
Don't bet on BM not entering
Don't bet on BM not entering your home anymore. BM crazy can be a special kind of crazy. Just ask any number of SMs in this community.
You are better protected by getting your concealed handgun permit and being prepared in the event her BM level of crazy overwhelms her pea brain and she decides that the Judge didn't really mean for the order to apply to her.
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I bought a gun already and do plan on getting a concealed carriers permit. My boyfriend told me she is a terrible shot, suprising because she is ex-military.
Fair warning: Family court is
Fair warning: Family court is a long hellish ride. It's like a never ending root canal
I mostly have to agree with rags. What should happen is not necessarily what does happen. Outrageous things can go down in family court. My Hubby had 50/50 joint custody when we married, still paid huge CS each month even though BM had plenty of cash and all expenses were split. Regardless of circumstances or job loss, the CS only ever went up. That didn't end until BM got herself arrested and family services placed SS with us full time. Hubby has been in court every 2 to 3 years since ss was born and he's always gotten a lawyer. I would estimate he's probably paid somewhere around $20,000 for lawyers at this point? And we still have 2 years to go. But not fighting is as good as surrender. Plus without a lawyer it's more likely you'll end up paying large amounts of CS. Lawyers are worth the money in family court.
My father's recently divorced
My father's recently divorced with her second wife, my ex-stepmother.