Life Only Exists When SS is Here
Anyone else seem to deal with this?
Wanted to take OUR biological son whose 2 to see Santa this past weekend - DH said nope, gotta wait on SS9 to be here to do that. SS9's BM takes him to see about 3 different Santa's every Christmas. Asked for us to take BS2 to see Christmas lights - DH said nope, gotta wait on SS9 to be here to do that. Wanted to buy tickets to take BS2 to ride a Christmas train towards Christmas time - DH said nope, gotta take SS9 if I take BS2. Yet, it's SS9 birthday this weekend and let's all jump over backwards to give him a special party even though his BM is giving him a party too. I mentioned to MIL and DH that SS9 gets two birthdays, two Christmases so why do we have to wait and include SS9 on everything BS does? Their response: It's only fair to not let SS9 feel left out since he's a part of the family too.
How do you all deal with this?
That is just ridiculous. You
That is just ridiculous. You should take BS to do those things on your own but then, if you wanted that kind of life, you would be single.
Perhaps he should have thought about this before hand, and stayed single himself if everything hinges on SS.
I agree with Step.tococis. Either BS gets to do everything twice or you and BS don't go when DH takes SS to do those things. Maybe he will see what an ass he's being.
Oh he does believe still,
Oh he does believe still, he's mentally behind from other kids his age -- but then again, he's got 3 younger half siblings on his BM side and 1 half at our house, he'll get Santa presents and Santa time for years to come.
When we decided to have BS,
When we decided to have BS, we had SS9 ALL the time because BM didn't want him. Then when DH filed for sole custody BM claimed she wanted to be mom and got sole custody even though she hadn't been around in SS life for years. She's a perfect Hollywood actress in victim games.
Exactly. He's not telling me
Exactly. He's not telling me we can't go - he's just saying we can't go until SS is with us as a family.
I'd have to agree with Step
I'd have to agree with Step too. You take your son with you and do what ever you want. SS9 gets to do that with his BM and his dad and so should your son. Mommy/son bonding time is just as important, so you go take your baby and make awesome memories. When daddy realizes he's not in half of them I hope he puts a stop to his behavior.
THIS is a horrible
THIS is a horrible comment!!!! And 99% of the problem with step families bits not about the child??!? It's about the parent?!? Well, what about the other child?!? The other parent?!?! Bullshit life doesn't revolve around ONE person. If dad wants these memories he makes them when the child is there but does NOT stop others from living. Or stop his other children. All he is saying is SS and my memories with him are more important then any other child or my wife's memories with our child. Bull crap.
This is ONLY about your DHs feels and he is not thinking of yours or your son. And it's WRONG
I am trying to start to
I am trying to start to disengage from SS9, when DH isn't around he's now the spawn of Satan - tells me I'm just a maid and his daddy needs a better GF. When DH is present, it's thank you dad, please dad. Yea, I got one of those SS. When I tell DH what SS says, he does back me, believes me and supports me by punishing SS. It just doesn't phase SS at all though.
I don't want BS to feel like he's missing out on life. Yes, he's 2 but this is when memories start and traditions he'll remember. I don't want him to think only mom cared to go and that DH only cared to go with SS. I try to tell DH that, but his version is that SS9 will be left out (because SS9 BM has a history of leaving him out).
HereIAm, when we got married, we had SS9 ALL the TIME - his BM didn't want him until DH filed for sole custody. They were sharing joint custody; however, for 2 years straight BM never showed to exchange and would call wanting to see SS for a weekend, then call within a hour after that asking we come get him she couldn't handle him. In Court she played victim card about wanting to be a Mom and how we never let her see him - such a LIE. Female Judge told her she'd give BM a chance to be a mom and gave her full custody because SS had half-siblings at that time at BM's house. SS has changed 180 since living there past 3 years.
Just trying to find a way to make DH and even MIL see that life goes on without SS present and we can't wait until he's around to live life especially with BS. Nothing I say in a discussion makes them see my side or understand it because they are so focused on SS being special and left out.
Why only have traditions that
Why only have traditions that can be done EOW and planned around someone else? If SS is here when we go, fine - but why only do things around SS schedule when he already experiences lots of the things with his BM. So of course when he comes with us he has to tell us what BM and his other half-siblings did there or said. At that point he's already been there, done that and seen that that it isn't a pleasant experience because it ends up being compared to what he's already done. Yet to BS it's a new experience since he's 2 - there's joy and excitement from him.
My dh was like this for a
My dh was like this for a loooong time. It stopped when I stopped asking and just started doing things with my bios, without him or ss.
SS gets two, three, and sometimes four of every holiday and his birthday. My bios and I were a family before dh and ss came into the picture so naturally, we will be in their absence too.
I do things according to MY schedule and my bios schedule and not ss's or dh's. Period.
Oh Tommar, we can't even do
Oh Tommar, we can't even do those without SS present! Go Bowling? Nope, not unless SS is here. Go to the park? Nope, not unless SS is here. 4th of July parade for BS, nope because we had to go pick SS up at that time. Zoo, nope not unless SS goes. It fathoms all aspects; however, is driving me crazy over Christmas time and planning things around SS's schedule when it's not convenient for me and causing me to have to change my schedule to accommodate SS EOWE calendar. I will miss out on certain things that are important to me so that SS9 can see Santa and lights when it was easier to do it all last weekend when we didn't have plans. I am giving up my stuff so SS9 can see Santa again and tell us about his first 3 experiences of seeing Santa with BM and his half-siblings, when could have just taken BS last weekend and seen a child overly happy about it (or crying because a stranger).
I think the issue with
I think the issue with waiting for skids to do everything is the limited amount of time you have skids. It is impossible to include them in everything. I think your DH has to realize some things are going to missed by skids. Otherwise, BS will end up missing a lot more things waiting on SS to be available.
Maybe you could discuss with DH which items are really important and try to do them together. Other things you can do with just BS.
I can sympathize as DH was
I can sympathize as DH was like this for a minute. DH wanted to wait and do xyz when skids were here. SKs are 11 and 8, DD is 15mo. Last year I decided I'd had enough, because he wanted my kids (before DD) to wait until they were all here to do a zoo trip that summer before I had DD.
I waited his kids didn't show up, I ended up doing the zoo trip by myself with my bios at 6 1/2 months pregnant because BM decided they couldn't come because SD10 at the time had to have foot surgery.
So last year was DD's first christmas, I stopped off after one of her dr's appointments and had pictures taken with Santa. I didn't ask DH, didn't think to ask because 1. I always did by myself with my bios, 2. DH hates crowds, 3. Dh wants skids to be involved with everything.
I wanted that one moment to enjoy MY BABY without the Sk's complaining or making it about them. DH was so upset. I really didn't think he would be. So I told him last year, we will do these type of things with DD without the other children for her memories, if you want to do them again when your 2 and my 2 are there, Fine.
DH asked for us to take DD to see Santa this year on a non-SK weekend. All the older kids were with their other parents. We even had a picture done of just me, dh, and DD. I was so glad. So maybe he needs to miss out on something with BS to see how it feels.
Take your son to do those
Take your son to do those things by yourself. If DH doesn't like it, tough tits. Your son will only be 2 once.
My husband used to be really
My husband used to be really bad for this but he's getting better. I'm not sure what changed to make him see he was being stupid about it. It used to be that we couldn't do anything without SD6. Now we can at least go on small trips and do other activities just our DD1.
However, he still insists that all of our big vacations include SD. I'm going to suggest to him that we alternate years bringing her on big trips. She gets to do lots of things with BM so I don't think she needs to be in every big trip. It's a substantial expense and a lot more work to bring an extra child.
Slap some sense into your DH
Slap some sense into your DH adn your MIL. That is how I would deal with it. Figuratively of course.
How will SS-9 feel left out of activities in your home and family if he is not even there? He is left out only if you lock him in the trunk of the car and take your BS to see the lights and Santa while the kid is entombed in the trunk. Why should your kid be denied just because his elder half bro is not around?
That I do not recommend.
I do recommend informing your DH of what YOU are GOING to do with YOUR son and let him know that he should participate but whether he participates or not you WILL do it regardless.
My bride struggled with this concept when SS-22 was younger. We would postpone activities and vacations until SS could go too. After a few years I put an end to that crap. I was no longer willing to not enjoy our life together because there was a piece of paper that required us to send the kid to Sperm Land 3x per year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). We did not join my family for several extended family vacations for several years because my bride had issues with the Skid not being able to go. My family could not always work around the Skid's availability. My parents have a life, my brother and his wife and kids have a life and they need to see my SIL's side of the family, etc... So I told my wife that we were going whether the Skid was on Sperm Clan visitation or not. When she would be depressed about his absense I told her that if she could not participate and be happy that I would go without her.
She figured it out and we learned to enjoy our Skid free activities including the occassional vacation with my side of the family sans Skid.
When I met my husband I
When I met my husband I wasn't allowed to talk about stuff we'd done when the kids weren't there as it upset them to miss out. I should have known at that point!
It's SS weekend so MIL/FIL
It's SS weekend so MIL/FIL have already planned a dinner out in honor of SS presence. It was originally suppose to just be meeting at MIL house after work, SS didn't like that, he wanted to go out. DH is going as well. By the time I get off work and pick up BS and drive the 45 minutes to get there I'm sure they will have already ordered and probably started to eat.
And they wonder why I call me and BS the second family? I even told DH today that I don't feel like going because by the time I get there they are already eating so why bother - his response "I know."