living a nightmare
I read a bunch of these topics and feel like everyone is going through nearly the exact same thing as me. Here's my story. I don't know the lingo yet, so forgive.
Wife and two biological kids, one adopted child (11 years old).
11 year old has resented me from the start. I met her mom when she was 5. She has no biological dad, well she does, but he's never wanted to see her. I adopted her two years ago.
Her mom used to have "I'm going to find you the perfect dad" conversations with her. This set up crazy unrealistic expectations. If I even used my fork wrong at dinner the 11year old would ask her mom to talk behind closed doors and they would have a discussion about if I would make a good dad or not. This happened even after adopting her, she has no biological dad.
I walk on constant eggshells. If I ask the 11year old to mow the lawn, I'm mean. If I see her hit her 2 year old sister and ask if that's how she wants to be treated, then my wife says I shouldn't be disciplining her as I'm not the birth dad (birth dad is not in picture). If she slams her door over and over and I say I'll take it off if she does it again and I follow through, then I'm abusive and neglectful.
This all came to a head a few weeks ago. Unbeknownst to me, 11 year old daughter was going to school and making some outrageous claims, saying I was trying to kill her, etc. So then Social Services gets involved. Social Services gathers facts, tells us to go to family counseling, and closes the case.
My wife and I are at the point of divorce over this. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around the house. I'm tired of an 11 year old running everything around the house. I'm tired of her telling the entire family where they can sit at meals. I'm tired of her throwing a fit because my portion size is larger than hers.
My wife and her family have constantly been telling me, you're the stepdad, you have no power, you have to leave everything to the birth mom. I talked to a therapist today and he told me that was terrible advice in my situation. He said in my situation I'm not the "stepdad" because there is no biological dad AND I've adopted her. He said they give that advice in true stepfamily situations.
I'm tired of all this drama really. I feel like all I can do is try to insist to be treated with respect, and even that doesn't happen.
You are legally Dad. If you
You are legally Dad. If you an mom divorce you are entitled to visitation.
I totally agree with all of
I totally agree with all of the replies! Also wonder if you & your daughter would attend some counseling together? I feel it would be good for her to hear what rights you have & that you are done with taking her crap. Hopefully you can get a grip on her but you will need to put your foot down & wear the belt in the family. It's hard enough when a child needs their butt kicked & in your case, it sounds like your wife & daughter needs their butt kicked.
Yeah, my wife and her family
Yeah, my wife and her family seem to be stuck in the new relationship phase where a newcomer to the relationship sits back and lets the birth parent do the discipline and everything else. However, it's been 6 years. The lack of parental unity is the problem.
It's partially my fault for letting this dysfunction go on for as long as it has. The nice thing about social services being involved is they've mandated counseling for the family. The wife and I have been going and she's starting to realize a lot of the problems lie within her. I'm going to insist the 11 year old comes along next.
I think what has been said about getting a grip and wearing the belt in the family is needed big time.
I feel for you. Im in the
I feel for you. Im in the same boat. DH's family keep suggesting i adopt SD. NO FRIGGEN WAY!
I hate to say it, but I
I hate to say it, but I really wish I hadn't adopted her until I insisted the issues were worked out. At the time it was said, "we need to do this to be one big happy family". I was stupid and went along with it just trying to be a good husband.
Wow, I am so sorry you are
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through all of this.
My dad was adopted by his "stepfather." Like your situation, birth father was not in the picture. He actually let my grandmother know he wanted a divorce after getting on a train for a job in another state, then sent her a letter saying "sorry, not coming back." My Gramps (the man who adopted by dad) was the father, period. There was none of this back and forth "you are not the birth father, you have no say." Of course that was another time, really.
Like others have said, you adopted this girl, thus you are her father. It isn't about DNA, anymore, but responsibility and by adopting her you took the responsibility to be her father, period. That means that yes, you are allowed to discipline her. If you and your wife are not on the same page, you need to get on the same page.
It really does sound like some family counseling would do you and your family a world of good, and not just you and your wife and the adopted daughter. EVERYONE, because the walking on eggshells extends beyond just the three of you. It affects everyone, and the sooner it is addressed, the better.
I hope your wife is willing to look long and hard at the issue. The daughter has been allowed to manipulate everything for a long time. There is a good chance it might get a little worse before it gets better, because she's going to be angry at losing her ability to make things go how she wants them to.
I'm having a run of
I'm having a run of suggesting people go to lawyers on this site, but this is a case where it is really really vital. By adopting, you have in effect deleted the birth father and taken over every single one of the rights and obligations that he had -- your daughter even has inheritance rights. YOu need to have your own solo appointment to go through all this legality fully again in order to check out your duties and her rights but also, to check out whether these things are possible to reverse. Then you can discuss that last issue in total private and keep that card close to your chest to think about. Next you would go with your wife to basically get her re-taught the issues. She has nil legal right to undermine a birth father like this and she has to have that made clear by a third party. And last, your daughter once your wife and you have decided to sing from the same legal songsheet, needs adoption counselling to tell her that she really is your child now and to help her to come to terms with this, if she needs to in whatever way. It might be that with all the information sessions you did not even need therapy but I feel your wife is the person that really needs to shape up and step forward here. Make clear to her that adoption is totally unaffected by divorce. It is a quite separate issue. It cannot be brushed under the rug by divorce and must be dealt with first. Who knows, dealing with it and understanding it properly for her may actually prevent divorce.
The idea that an 11-yr-old girl wants a meal portion larger than that of a grown man is truly dysfunctional and will damage her health!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the best with this very difficult situation.