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The Mistakes I have Made

blendedinmaine05's picture

Submitted by blendedinmaine05 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 3:02pm

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Blended Family Issues

Hey everyone, I am new to this site and am in hopes of learning as well as maybe teaching. I have been with my fiance for 4 1/2 years. He has 2 kids ages 14 and 8, I have a son who is 15, and together we have a 3 year old. Right off the bat I wanted us all to be a big happy family, I was so naiive! I bent over backwards for his kids, even doing all the things for them that their father should have been doing. Why? Because I wanted them to like me, not only like me, but LOVE me. Well needless to say, at this point in time, they "tolerate me" His oldest does better, because she is never around. But his son, from his second marriage, recently moved in next door to us. Yes I said it, next door. Of course this gives both he and his father the best of both worlds, while I have mixed feelings about it. Then there is my son, who basically feels the same way about my fiance.

My fiance seems to have more say in what my son does, whereas I have little to no say with his kids. Is this because my son lives with us and his kids do not? So now I have come to a conclusion. Perhaps it is best for me to parent my child, let him do the same for his, parent ours together, and maybe we will find some harmony. Any thoughts?

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 3:10pm

I think its best if you guys can parents all the kids the same way as you parent your child together. I dont think the yours mine and ours approach really works well in the long run, it divides you. You two should be the united front to all children, ideally.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

blendedinmaine05's picture

Submitted by blendedinmaine05 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 3:16pm

Thanks for the advice Smile I too have thought of that, however it's a complicated situation, giving that he has two kids, from two different women. For his kids, life with their mothers are really different than with us. For my stepson who lives right next door, he does not really want to be over here if his dad isn't around, and when he does come over, he mostly ignores me. But my son basically ignores my fiance too, even being in the same house. LOL, what a mess! I thought maybe if I backed off, that his kids would stop seeing me as the wicked stepmother, and maybe just see me for who I am.

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 3:30pm

Well, I doubt it, honestly. They will probably get it further into their head that you have no rights or say so in their lives if you do that. Its fine for their dad to be the primary enforcer of any rules and all that, he should be, and you with your son, but you guys should make those rules together and stay united. Especially since you are marrying. It may be a big adjustment to them from their moms houses, but you are the mom in your house and your fiance is the dad, and thats what they need to see. They will get used to it being whatever way you guys make it!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

blendedinmaine05's picture

Submitted by blendedinmaine05 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 3:35pm

That sounds like decent advice..how about dealing with the feelings of resentment towards them for their attitudes towards me? I guess my only crime is being with their dad, because I have never been mean to them. Irritated or annoyed yeah, but my own kids make me feel that way lol. My stepson is always looking at me, as if expecting me to be a bitch at any given time. Everytime I feel his rejection, I feel hurt, pissed off, and confused. It's very hard to be nice and pleasant to him when feeling that way.

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 3:43pm

Yes, it is! But you need to just keep being the person you want to be, regardless of how other people act. Don't change how you behave based on other people's actions, be you. Either they will let their own anger ruin any chance of having a good relationship with you, or one day they will get over it and see that you are not the enemy. Don't take it personal, I'm sure its not anything you are doing. Treat them fairly, and hold them to the same expectations as you would your own child regarding respect. Usually if you are respectful and fair to a person, that person will return the same courtesy, even children. You teach people how to treat you! Set the example Smile

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 7:21pm

I've just been through it! I think my hubby has been rubbing off on me Wink

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

blendedinmaine05's picture

Submitted by blendedinmaine05 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 4:28pm

Any thoughts on how to deal living a stone throw away from the ex wife? lol

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 7:19pm

Now THAT is a whole other issue!!! Good luck with that! lol I would MOVE!!!! fast Smile

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 4:48pm

I have the same old refrain but it's about boundaries and common courtesy. My SD doesn't live next door but within walking distance to our home. SD and I have a distant but tolerant relationship and one rule is we don't spend one on time with each other. Past history, problems, etc. If DH is home, she calls before she comes over - she doesn't have to knock but does give a shout when she comes in. She does have a key to our home but only uses it with prior permission. She doesn't just let herself in when no one is home - she must get permission and so far she has followed these rules. It works for us. Glynne

ratigan555's picture

Submitted by ratigan555 on Fri, 08/21/2009 - 6:18pm

My wife had three kids, 2 different dads. I was prepared to be a dad to them and live with never having one of "my own". Fate gave me a son anyway. Which was a blessing. Because the kids learned quick to cry to mom when I was put in the position of disciplining. Mom, on the other hand, was as non-effective as a parent as sand is to hold water. And the more they got away with, the more resentment built. And the more it built, the more I turned to my own son because he was the only one who listened to me, was affectionate, and showed respect.

Now we have a daughter who sleeps all day in her room, a son who is never home, and a son wh, after he got away with saying "f**k you" - I had little as possible to do with. But I am told it iS ME who doesn't have a relationship with them. I think it is mutual. They have a mom, they have a dad, and whether we get along is not something that interests them. I am just a "bonus" they ended up with - an unwanted bonus.

The point is, it is not worth kissing butts or lamenting. You cannot make them do anything - including see you as you think you should be seen. Or want to be. If you are doing the right thing, being a good person, that is all you can do. And let the dream go -it was only a dream and not all of them come true.

AWB