New....
so ill start by saying thank goodness for this site! whoever started this site should be given a medal and i am so thankful i now have somewhere to vent my frustrations.
I have a bs8 and future sm to sd16 and ss13. bf and i have been living together about a year and trying to blend our family together is driving me crazy. i could write a novel on the trials and tribulations experienced thus far but figure i will spill them as they come up and vent on current issues.
what happened to parents teaching their kids responsibility, respect and the value of a dollar? My bs8 has been through a lot with me and my ex and blending in with our new "fam". And yet through it all he's a great kid. Good grades, Manners, Respect. We didn't have a lot before moving to our current situation so he's used to hearing "we don't have it right now". My sd16 and ss13 however have never had to hear those words. My bf came from a large family and didn't have much growing up. I get the whole i don't want my kids growing up that way but is that an excuse to spoil the living daylights outta them? My skids in turn don't see the need to use the words please and thank you and expect everything to be handed to them. I can't seem to get through to my bf and am scared to become the evil stepmother but refuse to negotiate the values I see as important to raising a child.
So after all the drama that has unfolded over the last week I have decided to call a family meeting. Please give me strength not to reach over and smack the living crap outta my skids.
Oh your situation sounds a
Oh your situation sounds a lot like mine. I don't have a bio though. SO poor growing up so has overindulged his kids. SD is 16, SS will be 13 soon.
So here is what I have learned being with SO for 4 years and living with him 2 years. YOUR values are not going to matter when it comes to HIS kids with another woman. Just save your frustrations now. You are not negotiating your values by just stepping back and allow your SO to raise his kids the way he wants to. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I drove myself nuts for these things. My SO is a disney guilty dad and its not going to change when it comes to his kids. The sooner you accept you are not going to change his parenting the better. Those kids are older now and changing anything at this point wont' matter. They will be spoiled and they will be entitled adults.
What you worry about is your kid and teaching him the values you find important.
I wish you luck on your family meeting, but I worry it will backfire. The minute you try to tell someone what they should be doing with their money and their kids, you should expect a negative reaction.
Always remember, when you put yourself out there you become a target for the good and the bad. Some of us just get way too much bad. We stopped putting ourselves out there.
I do however, stand up for myself in our home. SD will not wear provocative clothing, SD and SS will not use foul language nor will they be disrespectful to me. Because of the disrespect that SD has shown me, I stopped talking to her all together. IF SO ever asks me why I don't speak to her he will get an earful to include, if I ignore he she can't be a bitch.
Whatever you do, talk to your
Whatever you do, talk to your bf first, and if he isn't on the same page as you, don't attempt it. And if he is on the same page and you go forward with the meeting, don't be surprised when he flips on you to appease his kids. If he doesn't agree with you, you will always be the bad guy, and it isn't even worth it to rock the boat sometimes. If Dad doesn't want to teach them values, it isn't going to change. Good luck!
my thing is its not fair to
my thing is its not fair to my son to have to watch these spoiled brats everyday get their way when he has to do chores, be good and save his money to get what he wants. and i cant help but feel anger towards my so and resentment towards his kids. afraid if it doesnt change it wont last. i just cant understand how anyone would allow their kids grow up that way. and in the long run it's gonna be our money supporting their lazy butts cause at 25 they'll still be home, jobless and expecting us to pay for everything.
if only it was so easy to say...your kids...do your own thing. but thats just not my definition of a family. one house, one set of rules, one set of values.
Its not fair, but people live
Its not fair, but people live it everyday. Your son will grow up to be a responsible thoughtful person. The skid will not. I'm sorry to sound mean, but fair just isn't reality.
I'd be more concerned that my own child be raised properly.
we have talked and agreed on
we have talked and agreed on everything regarding the meeting. its the follow thru on the consequences im worried about. besides the fact i think its ridiculous that i have to have a meeting to tell a 13y/o for the billionth time its not ok to throw your towel on the floor, money doesn't grow on trees and backtalking is not ok among other things a 13y/o should already know.
Yes, SO agreed with
Yes, SO agreed with everything I said too. However, he had a hard time bringing himself to follow through. All I'd hear is, they aren't here much. I want them to feel comfortable here. I don't want things to be negative. My favorite, they are too old now to change anything. It won't matter anyway. I've been doing it this way already and its not going to matter if I stop now.
All excuses.
Backtalking? I bet you in two months you are on here talking about disengaging. SD would roll her eyes, talk snotty to me. SO would say something at first. The last time I heard "I could say something, but I don't think it would do any good". That's when I decided to disengage for good.
I really do wish you luck, but I think you are going to eventually disengage. Trying to change things now, is like pulling teeth. I've done everything you are about to do. In the end, I just washed my hands of them.
How can you not lose love for
How can you not lose love for your SO for allowing this though?
Its how I stay in love with
Its how I stay in love with him. Otherwise, we fight. His kids are not worth fighting about or my frustrations.
ive read the forums and
ive read the forums and shocked anyone is actually OK with disengaging? Is that just another word for settling? Your words and actions get you nowhere so we disengage and settle for the way things are? I realize that lifes not perfect but kids are like mirrors, they reflect us. Unfortunately my skids arent just an every other weekend thing. There mom lives within walking distance so they are back n forth between houses all the time.
Its not settling, its about
Its not settling, its about not being a doormat and not letting people just treat you any way they want to.
When you have fought for 2 years about parenting issues and finding that nothing changes, except that you and DH/SO are unhappy with each other then one can see the value of disengaging.
Like I said before. I really wish you luck. BUT if your SO isn't completely on board and he's not following through on what you and he agreed on as far as parenting his children, then you will find yourself the scapegoat. I can't tell you how many times he and I have agreed on parenting, then I say something and I just get yelled at because "You are picking on them, or just don't like them" At which point, he just starts sneaking around behind my back and letting the kids do things we said they shouldn't. He literally hid a movie in SD's room that was inappropriate and vulgar, because he knew I would tell him she shouldn't watch it.
If your SO follows through with the plan then you have nothing to worry about.
i agree. they are not
i agree. they are not mirroring me but as the sm they are a reflection of me. I can't walk around with my skids and wear a tshirt that says...Not my problem, Im just the stepmom. As far as my SO, How do I condone him allowing it, how do i let these kids do this in my own house... What does that say about me?
To answer your questions we
To answer your questions we had agreed to set boundaries and consequences together. There are times his children are in my care only and sometimes my son is in his care only. I am not trying to control something I have no control over. I pay the bills too, can I not control what goes on under my own roof? Why should we have 2 sets of rules?
No theyre not MY children but they are CHILDREN and not every child gets their reality check from their bio-parents. If you saw an abused child would you try to do everything you could to help them whether they were yours or not? They may not have bruises but their upbringing is negatively effecting how they'll grow into adults. And we are to sit back, disengage and just blame the bio-parents?
I may have agreed to marry him, but that doesn't mean this ring won't come off. Disengaging and living that kind of life just isn't my idea of a family. For now I'm pushing it till something breaks. If he doesn't pull his head out of his butt I refuse to disengage. I won't settle, I'll leave.
You can go ahead and put me
You can go ahead and put me down for one of those "I'm just the stepmom" t-shirts. Thanks.
Stepaside said it way better
Stepaside said it way better than I ever could. Skids are in no way a reflection of me. They would be very different people. They are a reflection of their mother and their father.
Exactly, if *I* would have
Exactly, if *I* would have been SD18's mother, I would have put her on the shot for BC rather than "assume" that she was responsible enough to take the pill every day. Just the fact that she was sneaking out of PB's place at night and/or sneaking her BF IN, would have clued me in that SD was NOT responsible enough to take the Pill everyday.
But then again, I am not a greedy skank who is willing to use her own children in anyway possible as long as it is:
1. financially beneficial
2. manipulated in such a way as to hurt DH.
I know exactly how that is.
I know exactly how that is. My fiance didn't have a lot of money growing up and has decided he wants his daughter (4 years old) to have better than he had. But he goes waaaaaaaay overboard and gets her anything she wants, not as a reward for good behavior or anything, just because she is such a "princess" (mind you, she has no manners, interrupts me when I'm talking, she even steals- yes steals at 4 years old). He is raising a spoiled brat.
Yep, I hear about what life
Yep, I hear about what life was like when skids were little and nothing has changed.
SD16 gets D&B purses, coach purses, coach shoes that she never wears, $600 camera that she never uses, ipods etc. SS12 gets tons of expensive shoes and sports stuff that isn't necessary. Tons of clothes electronics etc.
For christmas $700 bike for SS12 and equal amount of cash for SD16. Plus what they "bought" each other (SO picked out and paid for) and expensive stocking stuffers that most would consider a present not a stocking stuffer.
where does that money come
where does that money come from? don't you guys have a joint account so its like technically you are contributing to that? couldn't that $ be put towards better things for the family? or if you are fortunate to have that kind of cash perhaps donating to a needy family with kids of similar ages. have your skids go with you to donate...meet these kids.
when my son gets something new he has to give up something he doesnt play with anymore to another child who will enjoy it. and he loves doing it!
I'd never pool our money. We
I'd never pool our money. We have a joint account for bills only. Each of us contributes our portion and keep the rest of our own money. I would go crazy if I knew all this money was mine and going towards skids in this way.
I completely agree with you. I told you, SO spoils his children. Its his money though, he's the one ruining his children. Not me. They will never affect my fiances or I'd be long gone.