Re-marriage issue
First post, hope this is in the right spot. It's a re-marrying issue
Been with my current fiance for and her 3 children for quite a while. We're a pretty solid family, some hiccups, some issues, but doesn't everyone.
Recently the topic of her last name came up, and I have to say, I do not like the outcome of the conversation. Like many mother's I've known, upon divorce she kept her married name, citing the usual reason's I've heard, but mainly because she wanted to keep the same last name as her children. Whatever the reasoning's, I understand why women choose to keep their married last names, and have no issue with it......but
Not sure how the conversation started, but bottom line, my fiance wants very much to keep her previously married name after we are wed....at best, hyphenate previous hubbies name and my last name.
I can't really put my finger on why this bothers me, but it really does. If it was her maiden name she wanted to hyphenate, or even just use her maiden name, it would suck...but I could live with it.....but the ex husbands name, just bugs me.
I don't know what to think....am I wrong? Thoughts, opinions? Would like to here what others have to say.
Thanks.
You're not wrong to feel how
You're not wrong to feel how you do. Is this a hill to die on? For some people it is.
My DH wasn't thrilled that I kept my first husband's name, but he got over it. My mother kept my father's name when she remarried, and her husband didn't care in the slightest.
I can understand why this
I can understand why this bothers you, it signifies a relationship and a past that you don't want to be associated with and that is a perfectly normal reason to be not okay with it. On the flipside; it does take a strong woman to live with a name that represents her past so that she can be publicly identified with her kids. This may be all that she is wanting to do, but I think 'Love4Lemons' brings up a great point as well, what last name would your children have? At the least, hyphenated names (although annoying), are the best compromise in this situation so if she doesn't agree to switch altogether hopefully you can find the hyphenated name an acceptable solution...
I see her point and yours as
I see her point and yours as well. Why would you want her married name to you to hold the "baggage" of a relationship and chapter of her life that is over? It sounds like you need to have a very serious conversation with her (non-confrontational, as I've learned the hard way throughout the years) about this issue. How does this make you feel, what is it that you need to change, and why do you need it. If you don't need anything to change then work on letting go of the hurt feelings. If you do need something to change, then know that it is only fair to relationship that you be honest about those feelings and be open to different options that achieve the same goal. Marriage is hard enough without keeping our basic needs a secret from our partners.
Hope the comments help.
I think you should let her
I think you should let her hyphenate her name, it seems like a good compromise. I doubt very much that it has anything at all to do with her exH, and everything to do with wanting it to be known that she is her kids' mom. It may seem silly to you but to her it would probably hurt more than anything for someone to look at her and not believe she is that child's mother. I am re-married and my daughter has a different last name. I know someday she will most likely marry and change her name so thats why I didnt insist on keeping my ex's last name. But when i am filling out paperwork for the dentist and call the dr. to make an appt for her and my last name is different and you get that look and the question of "and how are you related"... its just difficult.
maybe its silly, maybe its weak. I dont know. but I do understand her feelings on it. for the record, I understand yours as well.