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Starting to disengage right NOW

Needalifeboat's picture

Hi everyone, new here and so glad to have found this forum. I was starting to think all my negative thoughts on skids/BM meant something was wrong with me. After reading here, I see I'm not alone at all. I'm still learning the abbreviations here...what is HC?

I think this disengaging method is going to be what keeps me sane. I can't take it anymore, the constant whining from his kids that he doesn't correct, him repeatedly giving in to BM because he won't stand up to her, the drama over visitation and scheduling issues (in which by me giving any input at all automatically makes me the bad guy). I'm done with it. So I'm stepping back. The only problem is that I still *feel* it inside, like I'm going to blow. Does that go away gradually? How do you get to the point where you can walk away from it and not feel angry and frustrated? If I won't have peace in my house for years to come, I need to find some peace within my own brain.

He tells me my situation is "abnormal" because my kids are cooperative and I co-parent with my ex with little drama. No, sorry, we're not abnormal. You're just doing it wrong!

savemysanity's picture

I'm right there with you. How old are your kids, and the SKs? How long have you and DH been together? It IS nice to know you're not alone. I swear, I was astonished to find out how many people go through the SAME EXACT things.

Needalifeboat's picture

I am seriously shocked! I actually found this forum because I was searching articles to help me deal with MY problem. Now I see that I'm justified in feeling this way, I'm not such a bad person after all! lol

Kids are not technically SKs yet, my BF and I have been together 2.5 years, living together and planning marriage eventually but not there yet. His daughters are 14 and 12. I have two girls 13 and 12 and an 8 year old son. When his kids aren't here it's total peace. As soon as they come into the mix, it's nothing but problems.

tessa12's picture

I am you, Needalifeboat. My ex and I are distant friends, both remarried, and we raise our son peacefully. BM is so, so cruel. Skids are entitled, DH can be a Disneydad, and I'm just tired. : )

savemysanity's picture

Yeah, I was searching for help, too. This place has REALLY helped my sanity. Unless someone has BEEN in this situation, it's hard to explain.

My fiancee and I have been together for four years. Engaged for two. I've put off actually marrying him because I can't stand the thought of having to deal with the SDs for the rest of my life. I love him, and we get along great, except for the issue of his kids. He's a nice guy, I think maybe too nice....which sometimes means he's an asshole, if that makes sense. lol.

ncgal1980's picture

It's the little things about disengaging that make life better. Just last night I was in the bathroom with the door shut, puffing on an e-cig (DH HATES that I use them but hey, it beats cancer sticks), chanting quietly over and over to myself "Not my kids, not my problem. Not my kids, not my problem..."

DH was dealing with SS8 pitching a fit at the mere thought of spending the night at someone else's house (long story). I was happily trotting down the hall earlier when I heard this bitchfest in full swing. I turned on my heel and headed in the opposite direction. Straight for my e-cig, then straight to the bathroom, where I went in and locked the door behind me.

Just keep saying that to yourself: "Not my kids, not my problem." It works wonders for me!

I've been disengaged for about six months now. Best. Decision. EVER!

ncgal1980's picture

Also, it sucks knowing that there are so many other step parents out there dealing with this crap, but at the same time, it's so wonderful to know I'm not alone!

Orange County Ca's picture

"No, sorry, we're not abnormal. You're just doing it wrong"!

That's right and its great to hear that you and your ex are making it work. You're one of the sane bio-mothers around that we rarely hear about because nobody is here ranting about your type.

You have to work at overcoming your natural urge to parent, its instinctive to want to parent. You want a kid to grow up and be a good person. But you know millions of kids are growing up right now without your help and most of them will turn out just fine. Most likely your step-kids will also. Just keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible. You'll get none of the credit and none of the blame for how they turn out.

Is part of the problem the mess they make and leave? If so make Daddy clean it up. Keep referring to Daddy for anything that involves his kids. Some ladies won't even make a sandwich for a step-kid leaving it to Daddy to prepare. All meals are prepared by Daddy and you take care only of yours and yourself during their visits.

Don't make elaborate meals while they are visiting. Just have cereal and sandwiches for you and your kids. Don't be overly worried about nutrition either its only for a couple of days. Be careful not to provide "treat" type of foods like pizza so there is no finger pointing and jealousy issues.

CLove's picture

Great advice. I used to pick up, because it was too much effort to ask, and bothered me too much to leave there. Slowly but surely, I have stopped making special meals. YAY progress. Biggrin

Needalifeboat's picture

Oh yes, high conflict. She thrives on the drama. I keep thinking how lucky our ex's new wives are (or will be, mine hasn't remarried yet) to have us. I barely call him, only if it's really important. We text about schedule changes, we co exist at school functions, sports, etc. without having to interact much. I never say a negative about him to our kids, neither does he. We alternate holidays, so no drama there. Whoever my ex decides to marry is damn lucky! Why did I get stuck with a crazy?

tessa12, I can relate to being tired! I'd rather run a mile than be emotionally exhausted.

Needalifeboat's picture

Thank you Orange County Ca, that was very helpful! It is absolutely my instinct to want to parent all the kids. I'm going to have to start reminding myself constantly, like ncgal1980 said, not my kids and not my problem.

savemysanity's picture

The "abnormal" comment is driving me crazy. I've heard from SO, my BFF, and my MOTHER that, "you can't compare YOUR kids to others, they are exceptional." Why in the HELL are my kids considered EXCEPTIONAL??? Why is being kind, respectful, and NOT out to hurt anyone and everyone considered "abnormal" or "exceptional" these days? I'm so tired of people pooh-poohing bad behavior.

ncgal1980's picture

DH actually resents me teaching my nine-year-old how to do chores around the house. Nothing major, just little stuff like sorting laundry, washing dishes, loading/unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, etc.

He's said on more than one occasion, "I just don't see why you need to do that now. He's not old enough to do these things." Seriously?! He's nine. Plenty old enough to be doing some stuff around the house to help out. I was doing that, and much more, at a younger age.

He hates it because (and he's admitted this), he has a nine-year-old son, too (almost 10), and he says it makes him look bad when I'm teaching my son to do stuff and he teaches his kid NOTHING.

I said, "Hey, if you don't want to teach your kid anything, that's your choice. I guess we'll both have to do what we think is best, huh?"

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

^^this^^ At first, disengagement is rough! Because everyone is used to your running around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to pick up all their pieces while you look for your head! Hang on because it will get better as you progress in your disengagement. Go easy on yourself. One thing that took me a long time to learn is what DH and skids already knew. I did NOT have to answer when challenged. Now I give them the same DUMB blank stare I used to get (don't get it anymore cause I DON'T ASK!) See no evil. Hear no evil. Say no evil! Hugs!

ncgal1980's picture

It does get worse before it gets better, because everybody's gotten used to you doing so much and being so involved. It's going to throw everybody for a loop for a while, and there may be some backlash from it. Just keep on keepin' on. Eventually they'll get used to it and things SHOULD calm down, for the most part.

DH was bewildered at first when I stopped picking up after his kids and just started leaving their dirty dishes on the kitchen table, dirty clothes in the hallway, etc. I'd step over them and keep right on going.

DH: "There's...There's some dirty clothes there, ncgal."

Me: "Huh? Where?" (I keep walking.)

Later...

DH: "Did you wash the dishes?"

Me: "Yep."

DH: "But there's still...We still have some plates and cups and stuff on the table. Wouldn't they fit in the dishwasher?"

Me: "What dirty dishes? I got everything, didn't I?" (I look right at the mess on the table.) "Huh. I don't see anything. I mean, the dishes that my kids brought to the sink are all in the dishwasher now, so we're cool. Yep, I believe that's everything!" (I walk away.)

I will be their slave NO MORE. If DH doesn't want to make his kids pick up after themselves, then he can do it all day long if he wants to. I'm DONE.

Same goes for BM drama. That's DH's problem, not mine. I'm not going to MAKE it my problem, either.

Needalifeboat's picture

"...it's very hard to disengage like that when most of us are nurturing and want to partake in the "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality."

This is exactly where a lot of the problem comes in. I want things to be different, I don't want to HAVE to disengage. But I can't force anyone else to be on the same page as I am. My SO is there with my kids, all in, which is part of the problem. He can discipline, he helps with homework, and hangs out with them. BUT they respect him, and like him and aren't wishing he'd just go away already. Heck even my ex respects him, and will allow our kids to vent to him about skids but he draws the line at any major negativity and tells them they have to be nice and get along. It's the complete opposite for me with BM and until my SO wants to deal with her and the kids, my hands are tied.

Needalifeboat's picture

That's so true, the kids are the same ages so how do you have separate rules in one household. I did the same thing as you, I reached out to BM and told her how much I care about her kids and want to do the best we can so they all have a happy home. She was less than responsive and things have gotten worse instead of better. But...I tried. I'm sorry yours didn't go well either.

ncgal1980's picture

My kids resent the fact that the skids get away with so much, and my own kids are expected to act like normal human beings. I expect basic table manners, and for them to do some things around the house and clean up after themselves. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary, but they're right when they complain that the skids don't have to do all those things.

I've talked to my kids privately and told them that I want them to grow up with good habits, and those good habits will help them out the rest of their lives. They won't be a burden on someone else, expecting others to go behind them and pick up after them. I acknowledged that it really does stink that not all the kids in our house are expected to do these things, but there's nothing I can do about it. I told them that as a parent, you have to do what YOU think is best, even if it goes against what someone else in the same house is doing with their kids.

It may not have helped, but at least I tried to explain why there are different rules and expectations for them as compared to the skids. I refuse to give in to the loosey-goosey "Just leave it there and somebody else will clean it up" attitude.