Ten Year Relationship/Marriage Destroyed?
Hello,
I am so glad I found this forum! I could really use some perspective right now.
Ten years ago, I met the most wonderful man in the world. At the time we were both married to other people, but had already been discussing divorce with our respective spouses. Meeting one another got us in gear to begin our divorce processes.
My divorce went smoothly and I was able to move on quickly. No children from that marriage.
My DH's ex wife is literally obsessed with ruining our marriage and has been from day 1. She blamed me, rather than what was (or wasn't) between her and my DH. At the time of their separation, their daughter was 2. The X quickly figured out that she could make my DH suffer by using his daughter.
She's denied visitation, played games, poisoned the daughter against me, and the court case is still ongoing 8 years after their divorce was "final" - over $60K in legal fees that got us nowhere. My DH and I are both teachers so this was very hard for us financially. We remain deeply in debt and haven't had a normal life (which has frustrated me, I'll be honest - every resource seems to go indirectly to his X). Also tried were mediators, special masters, therapists, and even the daughter now has a GAL - her own lawyer. Even when we let the X have her way, she rattles our cage with another lawsuit over nothing, but we have to go through it according to the laws of our state. She's made harassment into an art form, but is smart enough we can't seem to find a way to keep her out and the daughter in.
When the recession hit a year ago, we made a very difficult and painful decision. We decided that we would wait until my DH's daughter was old enough to make her own decisions to see us, and we stopped visitation. That also stopped the need for contact between my DH and the X, the court fiasco, etc. Our financial situation has gotten better. But, my DH suffered the loss of his daughter immensely, because wouldn't you know it, the X managed to convince the daughter that it was ME ONLY keeping her father away.
And you know what? Now my DH has separated from me, now saying the same thing - that his X is too angry to ever let him have a normal relationship with his daughter and he is thinking of divorcing me as a solution. In other words, it's all my fault, he's decided to agree with his X. He won't speak to me or see me and has asked me to not to try to talk to him. I don't even know my financial situation for the next month, let alone where my marriage is going. He says that if it wasn't for his daughter he wouldn't be thinking of any of this, that he loves me, but it's just too much for him now.
Any words of wisdom or comfort?
Wow..first of all I send you
Wow..first of all I send you my thoughts and prayers. Being a stepparent isn't much fun and both biological parents will never see all we sacrifice for the pure benefit of THEIR kids! My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, my mom turned me against my 1st step mom it wasn't until years later I realized what was going on and I searched out my step mom (dad had divorced her and was onto wife #3) to apologize and thank her for the many things she did for me that my "mom" failed to do. It may not sound like much at the moment but your stepdaughter will see the truth later in her life...I promise. Give your husband the time he needs to sort through his feelings. I know this is hard for you...I can not imagine my husband ever blaming me for anything that happens with his X. Maybe he is feeling guilty for putting you through this for so long, I know it may sound strange but my husband broke up with me early on in our relationship but we got back together and he confessed it was his "baggage" to carry and didn't feel it right for me to carry.
I wish you the best and again I will keep you in my prayers.
- Patty
Great words of wisdom Patty,
Great words of wisdom Patty, and very inpirational. You touched on a point that I can relate to. I have a pretty different situation and I have not heard anything close to the stuff I have had to endore. I am not comfortable with sharing all just yet. But it is hopeful to think that my step-daughter will eventually remember the good times and feelings we shared in their earlier years.
I am not sure what advice to give you in this
situation.... But i will say that maybe he needs time to sort through all of what is going on right now. I think he is caught between loving you and loving his daughter along with all of the alienation of his xwife and daughter as well.
Maybe you will benefit from some time to sort through things as well. Take this time to reflect on the situation as well. I would just say to plan for yourself in both situations (with or without him).
I wish you the best and believe that things will workout like they are supposed to.
Counseling may help
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps going to a counselor on your own behalf would help you sort out your feelings and approach. That woman sounds like pure evil. How is she funding her half of the court costs? That money would have been better spent in a college fund. She is destroying her daughter just for revenge. How pathetic.
You could say, you are right, DH, I will let you go. And make your own plans and let him absorb the repercussions.
If your DH divorces you, he may feel "peace" for a moment but soon he will realize that he gave into the devil. When/if he has another GF, she will get the same treatment and so will he. Does he want to be held hostage to this woman until SD is 18? Or maybe forever?
SD is what, 12? Perhaps DH needs to meet with her and lay this all out for her. That he does love her and it is only because of her mom's hostility that he cut off visitation.
So wrong
Well if it is any comfort to you, I am sure your DH will regret giving up his LIFE essentially to please his child and ex. I would just let him do it and try to move on yourself.
Hopefully he will see before it is too late, that this is no solution, but I would try to move on regardless. There are many other things he could have done short of this to address the situation.
I am sorry dear but I do have hope that something good will come of this - for you!!
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
sympathize
I know how you feel and I know how much you love your DH. but like LizzieA said He will realize that as long as he gives in to BM. it will continue in his other future realationships.
Hopefully it will work out the way you want it to but if not... maybe god has a differant plan for you. so go with it. he will not leave you nor lead you down the worng path. trust him (god).