Need some advice feeling hated all around
I married my wife almost 6 years ago. She had a 7 year old daughter and 1 year old son. He has only ever known me as dad and doesn't know I'm not bio. Things went well for along time but over the past 2 years things have taken a spiral downward. My wife is not a disciplinarian at all both kids know this. With my step son it's still relatively simple things like he will say he doesn't like what was cooked for dinner because he knows he will get what he wants. This is highly irritating but I don't say much. It has gotten worse lately with constant back talk and refusal to do what he's told. My wife will admit something needs to be done but will not do anything. When I try to I am evil and mean. For instance the other day I was busy helping my step daughter with her school issued iPad. He repeatedly asked me to put a new game on his iPod. I told him I would when I was done helping her but he continued asking over and over. Finally I told him if he asked one more time he wouldn't get the game until the next day. Of course he asked again so I followed through with what I said. Multiple times that night my wife told him to ask me if he could have a second chance but I stuck to what I said and meant. The next day he timidly asked my wife to ask me if he could get the game and when I told her he should ask me the reply was "and why do you think he won't". I felt this was just making me look like an evil person for doing what I said I would and actually giving a consequence for a bad action. This is one thing that brings on many fights is she will tell them if they don't stop something there will be a consequence but she will never follow through with consequence. The real problem is with my step daughter. She is now 13 and we've been having major issues with her. Because my wife never punishes and I try to I am evil. She openly tells people she doesn't like me and I'm mean. If she does something wrong around me she lies to my wife and my wife always believes her and not me. I feel like the child. This has been going on a few years now. it has gotten so bad that i caught my step daughter doing something she was told not to while she was home alone on our nanny cam (which is mounted on the wall in the living room in plain sight) when I told my wife about the actions she just keep saying she didn't believe my step daughter would do that. I showed my wife the pictures and she still refused to believe it even with photographic evidence. Then today my step daughter was nonstop arguing with me and so I began raising my voice attempting to be heard and not in a mean way. My wife (in front of step daughter) yells at me for "yelling" and refused to acknowledge the arguing from step daughter. I feel like I only inconvenience their lives and no one really wants me. I really want to give up but I do love them and know if I leave they won't be able to keep the house because it takes mine and my wife's income to maintain. I want them to have a comfortable life but also feel like it's at the expense of my mental health. I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to have written a book but I have no where else to turn to.
Sorry another thought while
Sorry another thought while I'm laying here not able to sleep. Today was the first day of school... Open house was yesterday and my wife took half the day off work without telling me so she could take the kids to open house without me. I didn't find out she did that until I was on the way home that she did this. I do get off work early enough I could have gone. Then this morning she left taking them to school on the first day and all 3 walked out without saying bye (or asking me to come). I have always gone to open house and only missed the first day once when my work wouldn't permit me to go. When I asked my wife why she did that her response was " I didn't think you would want to go" It has been made blatantly clear to me I am not wanted as a parent but if I stop parenting and let her do It I get accused of "tapping out". If I do parent I am evil and mean. I am so confused
I wish my husband would
I wish my husband would correct his kids too. News flash...like him, she would rather be a friend than a parent. This only continues-at your expense every time. I love my husband and it only works because I refuse to be around them at all (but they are adults). This is not a choice you can make, unfortunately.
Ughhh...I would not stay in this situation. If you think it will change, well, I am not a real believer. We've talked and talked (and he knows how badly they have insulted us to our face),and still every time we are around them my husband turns into a wimp I do not recognize that disgusts me. He refuses to be real "daddy" regardless of the insults they hurl to both he and I. I have never heard him once correct any one of them, regardless of how horrible the insult. He just sits there, and when I was around, turned it ridiculously somehow to me--though I didn"t say a word when there, just remained silent too.
I am talking about adults here, so get the picture....this is your future. You can do something about it now. Find a woman without children, or just date. You will be happier and treated better.
You are not being treated like an equal partner in this marriage and people with these personalities rarely change.
Take care of YOU, she's not going to--you'd be better off to be one of her children, obviously.
Exit Strategy. Start
Exit Strategy. Start planning. Seriously, the level of disrespect from your wife is amazing. She is using you to finance her lifestyle and her children's lifestyle. You, as a person, are not valued at all in that household --- not as a partner, not as a spouse, not as a step parent.
Edit: Sorry, my post is not terribly helpful. All I could think of was the number of women who actually 'parent' their children and the women who do not yet have any children --- either would be better than the undermining by your current wife.
^^^^^^^ THIS. Just. Get. Out.
^^^^^^^ THIS.
Just. Get. Out. It will never change.
Sounds like you really care
Sounds like you really care about her and the kids. She sounds like my dh. They want to be friends with their kids. Ohh dont let their feelings get hurt...ohhh. dont make them upset!!
It will be hard but id start making plans without her, get your mind off them, do you like to golf? Go do it...if she says anything to you about a problem with kids, just look at her blankly and say "i dont know sorry"
I started that with my husband, and when he could not use "how i would handle it" against me, he figured it out, and i did not feel bad or question myself, i mean i know what I would do, and HE knows what i would do, why ask me to turn around and let ME know, no im not doing that, ill do the complete oppisite.
To bad not in same state! Id hangout with ya, and id let ya parent my kids in front of her...lol.
It is obvious that you do
It is obvious that you do care for your wife and the children. I don't know how long your current situation (her undermining you) has been going on but I think you need to have a true heart to heart with her to let her know how that is perceived, the damage she is doing to both your marriage, and the damage to the kids relationship with you both. She is basically teaming with her kids and encouraging them to nag you until you give in and let them off the hook with consequences - she needs to step it up and be a PARENT. Is she interested in doing better? Is she interested in what you have to say? Would she take parenting classes, learn to communicate, read blended families literature, or recognize you two need a united front or the inmates are going to take over.
I'm not the type to give up that easily, especially something I care for. If she is willing to try to make it better, try to be a parent and take into consideration your role in the whole family dynamics then I think you can really change the direction your family is heading. The kids are still young enough to be positively influenced. If on the other hand, she doesn't want to change, doesn't take into account your feelings or what it is doing to your relationship - only then consider an exit plan.
thank you all. i do really
thank you all. i do really love all of them but i am fast approaching my limit. i really do not want to leave because i know they will have a rough time and i don't want that, but i am also reaching wits end so i am so confused. I have tried to explain my feelings but it gets turned around on me. i get told i'm treating her like a child because my feelings are different that hers basically. She treats the 13 year old like an adult and me like a child. She admits something needs to be done but only really when we have a blow up fight about it. then when it comes time to actually do something she won't. if i step in and try to do what we talked about i become mean and evil again. this has been going on a couple years now so i have really started to feel like nothing will change. there other issues other than kids, but this is the biggest issue.
She treats you like a child
She treats you like a child by believing her daughter over you - even with evidence. If she feels like you would lie to her, why would she even be married to you? There's no trust and I believe that is HUGE for a marriage.
Well we haven't told the 7
Well we haven't told the 7 year old because his bio is in prison for being being a sex offender against a child. How do you explain something like to a 7 year old. I am the man that stepped up to be his dad and I am all he's ever known. Blood doesn't make a dad. Actions do. So yes I resent that comment a bit. Also you suggest keeping quiet and not argue because that is wrong then later say if I keep quiet will stay miserable. So which is it??? Keep quiet and let the child further disrespect me and think she has power over the adult or say something and be hated for it. It's a lose lose situation. I'm sorry but echo you sound like my wife 'keep quiet and let her do what she wants' and it seems to me you are not a step or at very least a step in a good situation.
My cousin didn't find out
My cousin didn't find out that her stepdad wasn't her real dad until she was in high school. This messed her up royally. She is currently in jail for her 2nd meth bust and has had all four of her children taken from her.
You can tell the child without telling him where his real dad is. You can tell him while assuring him that you care about him and feel like you ARE his dad.
If you married when your SS
If you married when your SS was one, that didn't give you much time to get to know your wife or her (lack of) parenting style. Marry in haste, repent in leisure as they say.
As I see it, you don't have a skid problem, you have a marriage problem. Those are NOT your children. No one should be calling you dad, and you need to step back from any parenting. You do deserve to be respected, though, and some gratitude wouldn't go amiss either.
You only get one life. If you are miserable in your current situation, change it. Sit your wife down and tell her the things that need to change or you will be divorcing. Be brief, unemotional, and be done. Privately make a deadline for yourself, try a few marriage counselling sessions, and see what happens. Oh, and be VERY careful about birth control. You definitely don't need to add an oops baby to this mess.
As a single man with no kids, you would be prime meat on the dating market, so you do have options.
You all are making
You all are making assumptions. i said we married when he was 1 not that we meet when he was one. when bio was arrested she didn't even know she was pregnant. while a year is not outrageously long i would call it haste either. i wish you would all see if from this point of view too. you say step parents should not be doing parenting? Then ask yourselves what would be the incentive to become step parents? unlike 2 single people falling in love when a step parent marries in it is because we love the family and not just the spouse. But if step parents should do no parenting, then we should just sit back and take everything dished. Who would be happy in that situation. No i do not have children of my own blood and i am not able to. So y'all are also saying i am destined to live a childless life just because i am not capable of reproduction. following this logic foster parent or adoptive parents should not be allowed. Orphans would be destined to live in group homes nor knowing a parents love until 18 and cut loose to fend for themselves. Single parents would also be destined to live alone and never remarry unless their new spouse was willing to take the chance on rejection of the child and live a miserable life. Children reject step parents for a variety of reasons. Jealous bios sabotage relationships and my situation, the bio never enforcing anything and the step has to be the enforcer so the child gets the mentality "your not my REAL" parent, these are the 2 most common. By saying we has steps should just deal with these, why on earth would steps exist? Bios are "required" to love children which many don't, steps make the choice to love the children. We do it willingly. There are many people who pop babies out who never love or treat them right. following your logic this is acceptable because they are the bios. yet someone like me who loves and wants kids yet is biologically unable to make a baby we should never know the life as a parent.
Read Stepmonster. Most people
Read Stepmonster. Most people do not get married and create a stepfamily to disengage. Most people think that it is going to be all wonderful and they are going to be the greatest ever at it. There is a reason why there are so many people with the same issues.
A lot of it stems from the spouse's inability to parent or putting their child and spouse on the same level. Or the parent's inconsistency, saying they want help with the heavy lifting but don't you DARE hand out punishments because they are not your children!
You've summed the OP's
You've summed the OP's situation up very well.
Too bad he doesn't want to hear the truth you're speaking.
Sir, I'm not sure why you
Sir, I'm not sure why you bothered soliciting advice on this site. You've received solid advice from longtime step parents, only to reject it all because it hinges on you accepting certain realities.
You are clearly frustrated, unhappy, and in a highly emotional state. Not uncommon for new posters, but you need to climb down off your high horse and stop trying to rationalize the mistakes you've made. Do some research, learn everything you can about step family dynamics, and form a philosophy and approach that is based on facts rather than magical thinking.
And for goodness sake, use paragraphs.
Apparently I was born in the
Apparently I was born in the wrong generation. When everyone says and thinks that a child molester deserves parental rights just because he is the one that laid down to have sex over a person who actually wants to be parent and be a part of a child's life. I believe this mentality is one of the major causes of humanity falling today. Kids see things like this then become adults to take things to even worse levels. Kids are abandoned every day by biological parents who don't love them and want nothing to do with them. Then if someone who does want them and to love them can't "step" in to be a parent (hence the title step parent) do that. We need to remove the phrase step parent from our language because it is useless. Parents spouse would be correct title. I truly feel sorry for the children of this generation.
After thought: this a request
After thought: this a request to the admins of this site to change the name of the category of the forum from Co-parenting to No-parenting because this is advice received on this forum.
That's why what y'all are
That's why what y'all are saying is so confusing. On one hand everyone says as a step I should be doing no parenting then try to insult me saying the no parenting forum should be for my wife. Which is it?!! You can't have it both ways. That's what my wife is asking from me. Wants me to parent then get mad when I do. You all make no sense
Those are NOT your children.
Those are NOT your children. No one should be calling you dad, and you need to step back from any parenting.
That's is a copy paste from a previous comment. And yes I completely understand the sentiment that she is not being a parent and not wanting me to be a parent. The biggest problem is she tells me she wants me to be a parent then gets mad at me when I do. What I have the biggest problem with is everyone is saying I have no recourse because she is the bio. Basically I just deal with. People have said it was creepy that want to be dad. That because I can't have kids I will be childless my whole life. These are the things that have me so mad. Being told that because I am not bio I should not be a parent. I have major problems as previously stated that it is being looked at that many bios give up kids and yet steps who want to love and raise the kids aren't supposed to.
Echo I maybe wrong but I believe it was you who if the kids don't want me raising them I shouldn't. What CHILD wants to be told no? Of course if I say no and mom always says yes who would a child always go to?? That would happen if I was bio or not.
In regards to the 7 year old not knowing, I never said we would never tell him. Just waiting until he's old enough to understand. Someone made a post that their cousin went through the same situation and it really messed them up. That's a case by case scenario. A guy I worked with did the exact same thing but never told his SS. The SS didn't know until he entered the military and he found out through the background check. The SS called him and had the attitude of "wish you would have told me but I understand. You loved and raised me so you are my dad".
No one can blame things like being arrested for meth (from the cousin example from above) on something that happened to them. If something "bad" happen to you, that is no excuse to blame your future actions on what happened to you in the past. Someone not telling you your dad was a bad person and the good person who raised you is not your dad does not give you the ability to say I'm doing meth because you didn't tell me that.
It was suggested that we tell him who is bio dad is and where he is but not tell him why. Of course child are curious so he is going to ask why. What would I then do? Make up a story? How would that be any different that what's happening now? If we said we'll tell you when your older then he is going to go around asking everyone until someone tells him. Then he would have the same reaction of why didn't we tell him? I see no difference in either situation. We choose the lesser of 2 evils. Something I've tried to leave out in interest of discretion is the 7 years old is in prison for messing with the 13 year old when she 5. Which of course adds a whole nother layer of the story. This is why we decided not to tell him until he's old enough to understand.
I completely agree with what people are saying on the side it's a marital problem not a skid problem. The whole point of my original post had to do with how my wife handles things which is the marital problem. It's gone on long enough it has turned into a skid problem with complete lack of respect.
Everyone has said I'm not taking the advice. If you look through my replies I have gotten angry at the attitude I should be doing no parenting. I do no agree with that at all and truly feel that is wrong. I actually just talked to a friend of mine. She is s single mother of 2 and been unable to find a man willing to be a parent to her kids so I know I'm not crazy. There are single women who want true step fathers for their kids. The big problem is women like my wife who say they want that then actions prove otherwise. This is what you all keep saying but I have already stated this. I know that's the problem. The request for advice was what to do about it. That has not been addressed. Consider that advice request revoked. I have already come up with a plan. My job has an assistance program that covers everything from mental health to smoking cessation. I am going to start seeing a counselor and try to get her to go with me. The outcome of that will determine if I stay or go.
Couples therapy truly is the
Couples therapy truly is the best answer for both of you. If she does not have positive compromises she is willing to make and follow through on when you come to her with genuine problems then a therapist is your last resort before separation. You might also consider parenting classes for the two of you so you can get on the same page.
I think sometimes we get confused her between being the mom or dad and being a parent. I parent my sd, I help her I discipline her I work with her dad to ensure she does well. I am lucky, my husband wants me to help, allows me to help and does his full share of responsibilities too as well as always backing me up in my parenting of his kid. I am not her mother though and that means a lot of things too. It means i have no legal standing. It means if my husband dies I may never see her again, it means her loyalty will always be to her mother over me. She will always choose her father over me. It means I cannot make legal decisions for her. As one of your kids does not know about thier bio parent he will not have the loyalty issue but the other issues are still true wether or not they call you dad. Step parents are different to bio (or adoptive) parents, that is the reality.
There are different ways to be a step parent. Some fall in love with the step kids and are fully supported by both bio parents to become an almost equal parent in their own right, though I think this is rare it might be what some imagine as ideal for all. Others like me are supported by their spouse and help do some of the parenting bad are happy to help as long as they feel appreciated. Some do not want to parent their step kids and their spouse is happy to do all of the parenting. Some find that their spouse tries to put all of the parenting in the new step parent and they grudgingly accept it but resent their spouse more every day. Some try to parent equally with their spouse but find that they have very different ideas about parenting and it causes a ton of arguments in thier relationship. Some find that they want to parent the step kids but thier spouse does not want them to be a parent to thier kids.
There are a huge variety of ways that step families function, and many couples find that they need to go through a few of these variations before they find the best fit for them. You need to work with your wife to find what works for you two, but for it to work you are both going to have to compromise and adapt and work out what does and does not work for you two.
As for co-parenting, around here it usually refers to divorced couples who are actively trying to help each other parent thier mutual kids in separate homes. Your set up is more just regular (step) parenting in my opinion.