Done
This topic can probably be applied to multipe forums. Am just done. I want my gf and her brat teenage child out of my house and out of my life.
After 5 years you would think some things would have changed. NO! Only my daily growing resentment for the teenager doing absolutely nothing to help with anything, not even giving the dog water after walking by an empty water bowl 20 times and how many reminders to do so. And my gf doing absolutely anything and everything for that child and everyone else is the bad guy.
Sorry, I would like to instill in any children under my room some values. Like living in a household, you help. You don't just grab a fork for yourself when you're grabbing dinner that I made and cleaned up, and where you will not even help with cleaning any dishes included your own. People can say what they want about it's the age. That's bs. It's the biological parents that have set absolutely no rules and boundaries for the child. Who has now gotten well beyond the point of no return.
My gf wants to know why I'm always upset. Not sure how many times we can have the same discussion. I don't engage in conversations anymore because any comment I make I have to worry about the repercussions. If I dare ask the child to help with anything then I'm attacked about being inconsiderate and asking too much. Is filling a dog's water bowl asking for the world? When I try to engage, the child litterally repeats the same thing 4 times. When I ask the child to clarify what she just said, my gf raises her voice to say the same thing the kid just stated slightly differently. I then interrupted her saying that I was asking the teenager to clarify not her. I'm sorry, what's the point if the kid can't carry on a conversation.
Then my gf complains that she does everything. Well, if you had asked your brat to help, then you wouldn't be so overwhelmed. And it's not like I don't do anything. I just don't do everything at your speed. I may not always fold and put my laundry away as soon as its done. Or vacuum every day of the week.
I could go on and and but I'm feeling my blood boil more and more.
Thanks for listening.
I get it! I'm surprised you
I get it! I'm surprised you hung on for 5 years...at least you aren't married!
Move on and find someone that appreciates and respects you!
Marriage
We were both going through divorces the first few years we were together. I recently paid off my divorce. After going through all that, I'm certainly trying to not make the same mistake. Though I'm sure my gf would be thrilled.
As for commitment, I do believe in marriage but when two people can't demonstrate agreement on simple things in front of the teenager, especially in regards to parenting, then it's not the right time, in my mind, to move forward with getting married.
The teenager was moved around so much before me that she may feel more stable being moved around. Before she moved in with me, I made sure there was a room for her that she could decide how to decorate and had a bathroom redone just for her. Now her room is the only place she is when she's with us other than the occasional jaunt to the kitchen.
I Think You Know The Answer
From the way things sound, you’ve got your answer and you’re “done!”
Knowing you were both going through divorces when you met complicated things and clouds thinking. It also tells me you don’t want to be alone, but because you just got finished paying that off, you’re hesitant to take the marital plunge again, and that is completely understandable.
Believe people when they show you who they are. They will only continue to reveal themselves more once you put a ring on their finger because now she “has you.” Typically in the pre-marriage stage, everyone puts their best face forward, then some tend to change drastically after the wedding ceremony. Your partner is clearly showing where her loyalty lies, and though I don’t agree with her behavior where the daughter is concerned, I will almost guarantee her behavior is guilt-driven, which is the worst to deal with. When guilt arrives on the scene relationships become a co-dependent . The child guilts the patent into getting what they want and it creates a never-ending cyclical pattern.
You seem like a great guy who only wants to be treated with respect. I hope you get that.Can you see yourself living this life until you’re dying day?
Evict them. Problem solved.
Evict them. Problem solved.
A few points...
You said:
I have a bit of a deal. I don't know if it'll work for you, but here goes. I wanted the SKids to take on the responsibility for the cat. It's "nothing" for me to do it, so it should be "nothing" for them as well. So easy, right? They feed, check the water, and scoop and replenish sand in the litter box. They aren't 100% reliable, but before, they weren't doing SQUAT, so I suggested we give the cat to a friend or family member. "NNNNO!!!!!! THAT'S MY CAAAAAAAT!!!!!!" Oh, OK. Then treat her like you want to keep her. Done. I police their work to ensure the cat is doing OK, and I let DW know when her kids forget. Works really well.
I can see if it's YOUR dog, though, and you just want them to get more involved and be more responsible by engaging them in the household's day-to-day, WHICH IS GREAT. So if they keep denying the dog water, then you might consider denying the SKids time with the dog. "Mmmm, no, you didn't feed or water Phydaux, so NO, you can't play with him. He wants to play with you, and he'd LOVE you to feed and water him as well, however, I'm afraid your behavior is just not responsible enough to get to play with him, since you're not responsible enough to feed and water him as well." It's a little like a variation on Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence.
You said:
Perfectly reasonable. I hate to hear, "It's a passing phase" when I know it's a progressing behavior. I weave a little, by being polite and considerate until I feel like I'm being taken for granted - then being VERY polite ("Would ANYONE like me to bring a fork or anything while I'm up?") until I feel like I'm being used - and that's when I disengage. I used to be super responsible and pick up trash and clean the counter and all that. Now, I pretty much ONLY clean up after DW and myself. SKids are leaving messes... DW just had surgery and is down and out, and I've been taking care of her. I'd been keeping things pretty good, then SKids came in and TRASHED the kitchen. Cups and dirty plates and silverware all over the counter BY the sink, trash on the dirty plates, etc. DW just happened to get up and see the mess. "Boy! It sure doesn't take long for the house to go to pot when I'm sick!" I told her, "That's ALL Thing 2's mess." She called Thing 2 into the kitchen and asked her nicely to straighten it up. Working like a CHAMP.
You wrote:
Consider asking GF what she considers to be a reasonable expectation for her daughter's workload and performance metrics such as quality of work and timeframe. Establish a set of boundaries, then the two of you present it TOGETHER to your SKid. Tell her what the repercussions are for not measuring up - and what the rewards are for doing it right (and bear in mind that DOING WELL AND GETTING PRAISE is what a lot of kids do best with - no participation trophy EVER meant a hill of beans).
You wrote:
It seems to me that she doesn't know that her kid is actually an ADULT IN TRAINING and NEEDS TO BE MANAGED LIKE AN EMPLOYEE sometimes. That doesn't mean enslaved to toil in the dungeon for a bread crust and a ladle of water, but imagine her entering the workforce with no ability to take instruction from anyone. You'll need to make sure you treat her well, with respect and dignity, whether she does the work right or not - and then coach her when she could do it better. teach her to do her own critical thinking and let her find the satisfaction of doing the work well.
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Or you may have crossed the point of no return and want to end the relationship. Your choice.
I suggest the book "Boundaries With Teens."