You are here

How to handle disengaging from the zoo w bio kids at home

Ally.j.mckone's picture
Forums: 

Hello! I've read a good bit about disengaging and I think I get the basics. However, what I DON'T understand is how to shield my 2 biological children from seeing and learning from unruly skids. Our house currently doesn't have enough space to keep them all separated (even bedrooms =/) My only thought is to move into two separate houses. Any other thoughts? Just don't want my babies to become wild creatures.. help!

Ally.j.mckone's picture

Skids are twin 10 yr old boys. Bios are 2yr boy and 7 mo girl. Married 6 years. Twin skids moved in recently and I've determined it's a lost cause. Trying to make unconventional methods work before throwing in the towel for divorce.

tog redux's picture

They are a lot younger, so they will respond to your parenting "unfairly" (ie, you can tell a 2-year-old to stop doing something and he's not likely to say "but my brothers are doing it ...").  By the time he is old enough to notice the unfairness, the skids will be 16-18 or so and hopefully not around as much.  Or you can at least say, "They get to do that because they are older", etc.

In other words, keep parenting your two, even if DH won't parent the twins.

StayTrue's picture

Do you mean your only option is getting seperated from your SO? 

One thing I tend to do with my BIO kids is mention how calm they are compared to SD and then also mention to my DH how they will learn these crazy behaviors because sometimes she encourages it. I think he notices it. I try to not say anything directly to her, unless it starts to get ridiculous. 

 

Also I don't think saying they get to do that because they are older works if they are doing things that are against house rules. It will just say when you get older you can't act crazy, which isn't really true. I mean they can but it will cost them. 

Kmh89's picture

Ohhhh I can relate to this so much it’s like I wrote it. Unfortunately I have no advice, just empathy. I too have questioned, which would be worst...to put my child through a divorce or to have him grow up with his older siblings. One thing my family has pointed out...there’s no guarantee you would have full custody of your child, so they could still spend time with your SS but without you as a buffer.

My son is 2.5, SS is 10 and SD is 12.5. Wild animals until I got them. BM still gives no rules, structure, no real parenting, but throws money at them. I’m pretty conservative and BM is very liberal. It’s scary to me that my son will have these older siblings to influence him. I try to downplay them, try to tone down DS excitement when they come home. Like you, I’ll make little comments about how I’m so happy he’s tidy and cleans up while his siblings don’t. I just pray it works. Let me know if you’ve had any luck with new strategies.