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Still not blending and scared

Ally.j.mckone's picture

Background: married 5 years. I have twin stepsons, aged 10 years, a 2 yr old boy, and 6 month girl. Stepsons arrived to stay 2 days before I had baby girl. I despise these kids because they're unruly and constantly attention seeking. They are also pretty messed up in the head we think.

Now: I have been struggling with the idea of divorce since stepsons arrived full time. Now I am getting scared.. one of the twins is becoming more and more vengeful and hateful. My son just came out of his room this morning grabbing his arm and crying and saying this stepson's name. I asked the stepson what happened and he just grimaced. No answer. I have to wonder if these children are even safe around my babies. What if they start harming my babies?

Am I overreacting? 

tog redux's picture

Where is your husband in all this? Does he discipline them? Are they in therapy, assuming the reason they are with you pertains to their mother not being able to care for them?

No, you aren't overreacting. If they hurt your children and you and DH don't protect the little ones from them, you could be in trouble with CPS (not to mention they could cause your children real harm).

Again - what does your DH say about this problem? If he's the type to excuse and defend them, you have a huge problem on your hands.

Ally.j.mckone's picture

DH thinks I'm overreacting. He wants to believe the best of them. They were in therapy but it was stupid expensive and they only had hours during the school day. Unfortunately, counselors and few and far between where we are. We quit taking them after they wanted to talk only about basketball over $2000 of therapy. Mother was doing the best she could, but her boyfriend may have been abusive. 

I have no proof that the SSs have hurt my babies but I really am starting to worry.

tog redux's picture

Does insurance not cover the therapy? Can you take them somewhere else even if it's a drive? Can the school counselor help at all?

Chances are good they feel abandoned by their mother and jealous of your kids. You should trust your gut in protecting the younger ones.  It's not good for any of the kids to "believe the best of them" to the point where the younger ones get hurt and the older ones develop maladaptive ways of dealing with their feelings (ie, hurting people).

StayTrue's picture

I would be a hawk over them if you have this concern. There are a lot of kids out there who abuse other kids.. These kids are 10 there is no reason for them to even be putting their hands on your kids. Maybe consider making that a hard boundary in your home until you know how they play and how they mesh with your kids.


If you husband isn't concerned about their behavior that is EXTREMELY concerning. He should care for the well being of ALL his kids.


&& I would make sure that I got a full story of what happened, get details out of them and make sure the story makes sense. Sometimes I have to ask my SD a lot of questions to get to the truth of the story. Other people tend to take whatever she says as truth but once you start asking supporting questions and seeking more information, you see a lot of missing pieces that were important. 


You are not overreacting.


How do they do in school?

Ally.j.mckone's picture

Insurance didn't cover any of it Sad trying to find another option. I'll definitely have the husband try the school counselor! Didnt think of that...

STaround's picture

Yes, check with school guidance counselor and your pediatrician for recommendations for other counselors, and then see if they are in network with your insurance provider.   I also think that your DH needs an outside party to counsel him, you two may benefit from family counseling. 

I feel your pain, but please remember, if you divorce, your kids will be  spending time with your stepsons without you there. 

ITB2012's picture

Depending on the school district and your insurance, the school can get the kid into a program or the doctor can recommend therapy or "code" diagnoses in a way that allow for coverage by insurance. 

Also, though you may not be able to know what is said in therapy, you can send the therapist a letter with your concerns and behavior you have observed. (An adult cousin used to do that with his parent so the parent couldn't snow the therapist. The parent was using the adult kids as therapists and ATMs.)

tog redux's picture

A good therapist will include parents in therapy with any minor - especially ones this young.  I don't personally grant 10-year-olds much confidentiality.  More when they are teens.

ITB2012's picture

With a HCBM at the time, and a SS who couldn't keep mum about anything, the therapist wanted my input as a SM but knew it would cause problems if I were to be in the sessions. So I was asked for my input in the form of a letter. 

Kes's picture

No, you're not overreacting.  I would endeavour never to leave your pre-verbal children alone with your SSs, and install CCTV in your son and daughter's room/s so that heaven forbid, if anything happens you have got evidence.  And start making plans to get your own place.  

Rags's picture

Inform DH that if his children pose a threat to your young children that the twins have to go.

Harry's picture

You have a real problem.  You must protect your  2 yo,  and what going to happen when 6 moths starts walking.  It's up to DH to do something about his kids. Counseling. Punishment, sending them back to BM.  
you can not live like this.  You have to put your foot down and fix it now,  it's only going to get worse,  

notarelative's picture

Are you overreacting? No idea. If SS attacked your DS with no provocation, no. If DS was annoying SS, and SS reacted, maybe. 

SSs need counseling yesterday. They moved from Mom to Dad, into a house with a toddler and new baby.  And while schools have counseling, this is probably beyond what a school counselor can setvice.  Schools, here at least, usually do groups, do not meet year round, and don't usually deal with custody switch dynamics.

SSs need counseling (therapy). They are dealing with the custody switch, new school, new adult figure (you) in the household, two new siblings... That's an awful lot for a ten year old.

Dad and you could probably use some help in dealing with this too. You've only had them six months. While it seems like forever, it's not long for blending time. 

That BM gave up custody so easily is a sign that something in her household was not quite right. What it was is debatable, and BM giving up custody caused CPS to stop looking. 

No matter how you slice it, counseling (therapy) is needed for the SSs. And DH needs training in therapeutic parenting.