Veritas: Oh, I am not attending to make my DH happy; if I go it is for my mental wellness. I guess I am actually trying to get over the hate that engulfed me for 3 years. I feel I am past the hate and want to be by my husband's side for Thanksgiving. I have not made the decision yet, although I have discussed it with DH, as of this morning. We are doing very well and DH totally understands my reasons for my disengagement; he does not expect me to engage with these women; there will be other people that I do well with, at this dinner. He is in no way trying to sway me on this, he made sure that I knew, they included me in the invitation.

With that said, I will never forgive or forget what we have been through. Nor will I ever go back or give any indication I will open myself up for this again. When I cut the strings, they are finished and never to be tied again. I have made this VERY clear to DH. I only compromise with DH, for my own benefit, believe me. If I do this, it will because I want to move beyond even recognizing SD and SGD's existence in the same room. It will be for myself, I will be the person happy with my decision, or I will not go, I can leave at any time; DH has been informed of these plans.

My family has invited us up the street also; I will leave and go there, if I do not like what is happening. DH is welcome to stay and his grown kids can bring him home; we are only going to be 5 miles from our home and my family dinner.

I will see how this week goes and yes, you got it; it will be what's best for me.

Thank you for your advice and I never ignore any input, believe me.

wineisthecure: Oh, DH knows I will never host them, ever again! I have made that clear and he would never request that, because I wouldn't even explain why I said "NO". He isn't expecting me to ever accept their behavior or engage with them like before. There is no doubt in any of the family members where we all stand.

If this dinner does not go well, I will excuse myself and go to my family dinner, we were invited to, just up the street. We are all in close vicinity and DH's grown kids can bring him home, when he is ready.

DH and I discussed this, just this morning, and we agree this may be the case.

You are correct; my SD57 and SGD33 will never change, but I have changed and whether I go to dinner with DH, or not, is still in the stages of decision this next week. DH also understands I may go to my family dinner instead.

I want to work on our marriage; my DH has given it a big effort and has sincerely expressed his sorrow for our troubles, because of his DD. I am willing to accept this.

I also will never forget. I will never forgive the nasty treatment I let myself in for from SD57 for 30+ years and with that said I will never go back again.

I appreciate your thoughts and input. Thank you.

TexasPickles: Thank you for your confidence; I sometimes wonder if I handled it all as well as it should have been handled.

Like you stated, "but for myself". It is different for every family as you well know, we all have different circumstances and different Skids that we are all dealing with here.

My SD57 now knows how strong I am. She never knew until 4 years ago. She will not even be in the same room with me alone; I intimidate her horribly, because she has never seen a cornered person come unglued, such as I did, 4 years ago, without saying a word. I was silent, just went into action, via Law Enforcement and my Attorney intact. Now she tells DH, "I don't feel comfortable around her"; so you see I have the upper hand and intend to keep it, with DH and SD.

I am taking nothing to this dinner. My SD57 could freeze in hell, before I would take her a rotten piece of meat, no flowers etc. Nice thought on your part. Lol...

The Jury is still out, on whether I go or not. DH and I discussed it just this morning and agree I will do what I want to do.

Thank you for your constructive thoughts.

SacrificialLamb: It took me nearly 8 years to get where I am with my disengagement. The past 4 years have been hell. Now I am at peace with myself and that is why I'm considering attending with my DH. This is for me and my marriage. This isn't for any other reason. I want to move beyond the hate I have had for so many years. I will never forget or forgive these women; I never intend to go back. They are history.

Maybe this isn't the answer. If I decide to go, it may not give me the step forward, I am looking for; but I need to get more of this behind me. I don't care if my SD57 and SGD33 even breath. I am in the same room with these women, in our home, and they don't seem to register with me any more.

I also said, I would never go on their territory; but I have found myself making it my territory, when we have to be around each other. I named it "Alpha Female"; I am very good at marking my territory, without a word. So I don't know for sure about this yet.

DH and I discussed it just this morning, for the first time, since the invitation to us. I had a firm talk with DH and he knows I will not tolerate any further drama.

I may just go to my family up the street; it is still in the hands of the Jury, so to speak.

Thank you for your valued input. I follow your posts.

still learning: The thoughts and advice my friend gave are mostly what I've read here. Very good by the way! My friend wants me to do what I feel is good for me; which is what this is all about. She also says she could not do this at her point of disengagement. I understand that and support all of the thoughts here, for sure.

I have improved so much, thanks to you and all of the support from all of you here on Steptalk. I will never leave this site, because I could never keep up my strength without all the people here.

I feel I have shed myself of the hate and I feel this may help me work towards my marriage for myself. I don't care what DH thinks about my disengagement, I have not forgotten the pain, even though I love DH. I don't care what SD57 or SGD33 think of me. I don't care if DH and his princess's go about their lives doing whatever it is they do, to feed off of each other. This is for me! I am a different person, from 4 years ago, when this blew up; only because of this site and you supporters.

I am mature enough to do anything I choose around these people; I just do not want them stepping across the boundaries I have set for myself. There is no doubt in anyone's mind how I feel, I've made no secret of my disengagement. I have never had words with my SD nor SGD; they are the ones that initiated the social hate email, texts, etc. I blocked them immediately, 4 years ago, with no response. I am proud of the fact that I am at this point, and still retain my dignity; they cannot say the same for sure.

Yes OSS and DIL are very respectful of me and have always shown me they care about DH and I. They are traveling from a neighboring State and will be doing the cooking, their offer. I have no problem with even my SIL; he has always treated me well also.

I am still leaving it open next week. We will see how it goes. Thank You so much for your input and questions.

Cooooookies: Oh, I intend to stand on my disengagement; these women have no intentions of approaching me to be nice. We are all in agreement; there is too much water under the bridge for them to misinterpret.

If I do this, it is for my continual forward motion in my life, nothing else. This is for me, not my DH. It is for my marriage and our life, not to appease anyone else.

We discussed this, just this morning; DH knows he can do anything he desires and that I will do the same. This is understood. I want to spend Thanksgiving with my husband, this is my reason, and the only reason.

We spend a good deal of quality time together, we are retired.

The Jury is still out and I have not decided to commit myself yet.

Thank you so much for your input and it is taken well.

Second to Everyone: Yes, you are right; I can deal with "horribly wrong" without regret. I am in charge of my emotions and have decided I will stay in charge of my disengagement. These two women are well aware of their boundaries now.

You're correct, when you state the "history and knowing the destruction they are capable of". I guess this is what I do not want to be subject to and know it may well happen. I have discussed it with DH, just this morning. We have agreed, if I do not feel comfortable, I will leave and go to my family, just up the street, to continue the day. I can gracefully just leave the room and drive off and DH agrees the kids can bring him home when he is finished visiting. I do not want to create a scene or have drama; it has never happened and I am a bigger person.

I will not begin the disengagement process over again, I will continue my disengagement and the door will not ever be opened to otherwise. I doubt I will even speak to these women, there are several other people for me to visit with. Very good advice on how to test the waters of my disengagement. I do believe I am testing myself, as I feel strong enough to be above it all.

If I had not disengaged, DH and SD would both be in jail. I had Law Enforcement and my Attorney engaged with the situation, because DH, SD, and SGD were not allowing me to disengage in calm harbor. You get my picture for sure. This is part of holding my marriage together.

I have not made a final decision yet, I'm giving it this next week. DH and I are on the same page for my reasons, so we'll see how it goes with my decision.

Thank you for your helpful smart thinking!

StepRightOff: I understand what you are saying. Yes, it is confusing, unless you understand every detail, which I do not expect anyone to understand. It's kind of like "not knowing what goes on behind closed doors".

My situation is a result of my doing for 30+ years. I let my SD and DH walk all over me for years; then one day, I had enough, and flat out disengaged within 24 hours. It was not the best way to do it. I have set boundaries for myself, nobody else. I have been eight years working thru the boundaries and never had cross words with my SD nor SGD (mother/daughter); I have NEVER had harsh words with them. I consider that bringing myself to their level and that isn't happening.

Now to answer your questions. I usually don't generalize, but there is one bottom line answer to your questions. This is for me and nobody else.

My marriage is not what I expected during my retirement years; DH caused the change when he betrayed me to SD for several years. SD threw DH under the bus in a two page hate email; which is in the hands of my Attorney, if ever needed. I am willing to let that all go and move forward from here, with no expectations of it being "what it used to be". So again, our marriage will be for "my benefit" from here on, for reasons I will not discuss here; with that said, I do love my DH. Point being this is my life and I've taken it back.

If I decide to be by my DH's side for Thanksgiving, which would be the purpose of my going to dinner at their home. I will not be rude, but at the same time I will not tolerate any passive aggression. I am not sure they won't be rude, but I have discussed it with DH and I will quietly leave and go to my family dinner, just up the street. DH and I have agreed on this issue. I have always handled SD and her family with grace and I am very capable of excusing myself from an unpleasant situation, without drama. They are well aware of the stage we are in our relationships. I have made it clear, I just want them to treat me with respect. They don't even have to speak to me, just no snarky remarks or passive aggression towards me. I don't expect to be part of the party and don't care. I want to spend Thanksgiving with my DH, nothing else.

I do believe a person can be in the same room, even in someone's home and stay within their boundaries of disengagement. Especially when my SD and family understand why. You see, the 2 page hate email is in writing and they cannot deny it. They also know it has been turned over to the Court and is part of legal records now; so for them to continue this is not in their favor. The email is part of a Court Ordered Protective Order 4 years ago.

I have no more hate for SD and family. I have no feelings for them at all. When I have been hurt badly, such as I was in my first divorce, the death of my two bio sons, and now my SD; I have a very cold protective layer of emotions. SD means nothing to me. Being in the same room, no matter whose house it is, she is nothing. I would never be rude in someone else's house, but then I don't have to kiss their ****ss either. See what I mean?

No I don't feel obligated to reciprocate; I want to spend Thanksgiving with my husband. It's about me, not him. To be honest with you, I doubt I will sit down to dinner. I will take DH to SGD's house and then go to my family dinner up the street. DH is disabled and does not drive; his grown kids can bring him home when he is ready. We have agreed on this arrangement as an alternative avenue. DH and I are in agreement with the entire situation, in regards to my boundaries.

Thank you very much. Your post is very constructive and did give me deep thoughts on walking into the past. Thank you again.

Thank you!

I wish I would never see my SD again. I hope you don't have to see your OSD. It is liberating and peaceful.

I know that I don't want to break the peace I have. Knowing that nothing will change, whether I go or whether I do not go; this is what I needed to remind myself. Nothing will ever change in regards to the attitude my SD and SGD have. They love the drama and I'm just over it. I don't need it and I don't want it.

Thank you for the (((hug)))....back to you.

Thank you for your support.

Ispofacto: You said it all!

I will NEVER forget, believe me.

Acratopotes: I follow your posts closely. What you are advising is what I had in mind to begin with. The hostess is my SGD33, it's her home. My OSS59 and DIL are traveling from the neighboring State and have offered to do the cooking. I do well with OSS and DIL. I would be in SGD33's toxic environment.

I agree I can ignore them and stay disengaged; this is where I am at this point with my disengagement. But I know I am not to the point of totally putting myself in their territory. I have no problem going on mutual grounds, public places or public functions. They come to our home to visit DH, I tolerate that ok. My DH has NEVER and will NEVER have my back, not one word. This is the main reason I stay out of their homes. It is a form of bullying on their part and DH joins in, especially at their homes. I have told him this is the reason I do not go; I feel bullied. He says I am imagining it; but DH is a very different person around them; he is not the person I thought I married.

I have tried numerous times with failure. I have come away feeling worse than if I had stayed home alone. I have missed several "family dinners" "family socials" concerning my SD57 and my SGD33, the past 8 years of my disengagement. I look back and realize I do feel better staying away. I feel guilty, especially when holidays come around. It is a difficult time and DH always chooses to do as they ask; so that is the part that is difficult for me to understand. My family knows, with no doubt, where my priorities lie; therefore, they do not ask me to step away from my marriage and my DH. All of my Skids are extremely controlling and just make the plans and tell everyone how it's going to be.

Yes, my DH has been working on our marriage; but I have NOT deviated from working on my marriage for 38 years; he just began the past year. So he has a lot of catching up to do. I work with him on everything (he is disabled), except the rudeness I receive from SD and SGD. Sorry I can't do it any more. It is so deep, it is unexplainable.

I had thoughts of trying again this year; but I have made the decision to spend Thanksgiving, just up the street with family. It will be good and I will not know what is said behind my back, nor do I have to tolerate the snarky remarks (passive aggression). It is very sad that it has to be this way; only because my DH betrayed me for years. When I found out, he refuses to admit it was wrong and they have never apologized to me or tried to make it right with me.

Thank you for your positive input. It helps me to sort it out at a weak moment.

Have a nice Thanksgiving.

Oldfool: I did not attend and had a nice Thanksgiving dinner with my 101 year young Father at my Cousin's home, just up the street.

It is not what I wanted. I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my DH, didn't matter where. But I feel better and I am not stressed nor has the anger risen it's ugly head.

It was worth the sacrifice, believe me.

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.

It has passed and I knew it would. I know there will be days of sadness and will power.

Thank you for your support. It is so appreciated!

I'm still patting myself on the back for standing by my disengagement.

It is very difficult at times.

Without the support here, I could never do it.

Now comes Christmas! Yea!

notasm3: I have saved SD57's 2 page hate email. I wanted to answer it. I did take the time to go to it, on my computer, and under each statement she wrote, I responded, within the document, never sent any response to SD57. Keep in mind the email was 4 years ago. I don't think about it much.

Only twice have I referred to it and read my responses, under each statement. I have found, with time, my answers change, in wording. I go into the document and update my responses. I have grown beyond this hate email, until SD shows her ugly head around me; then all the bad things she wrote come to surface in my anger. I have NEVER responded to her. DH doesn't know that I have written responses to each statement; he does know I have kept it. I am very civil in my responses, always putting the problem back in her end of the field.

Who knows, someday I may print it out and hand it to her; but I doubt it. I do not want to give her the satisfaction and she will only respond back and the fight continues; I have put an end to it all thru disengagement, so sending it to her is playing her game.

Writing is good; I go to it, now and then, and write my thoughts. I find the responses are more mature, more sane, and never forgiving. It is a good thing to write things down and then re-read them later. It is the best therapy for me, besides this site.

Thank you for your insight. I also understand fantasizing.

Disillusioned: Thank you for your thoughts and experiences. I have always followed your post and learned a good deal from them.

I agree with what you have written. I thought long and hard in this direction, before declining to attend Thanksgiving dinner.

#1: I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my 101 year young father, just up the street, at my cousin's home. We were also invited there for Thanksgiving. Of course the invitation came after SGD33's. I don't know that I will have my Father next Thanksgiving. I did not expect DH to attend with me, so we went our separate ways for the day.

#2: The invitation from SGD33 was through DH, in a text form. SGD33 has our phone number and I know SGD was only inviting me to please her grandpa (DH). Years past she always called me, but now refuses to communicate at all, which I prefer anyway. There has been 30+ years of passive aggression from SD57 and SGD33 (mother/daughter). SD57 has taught SGD33 to hate me, so there is rivers and rivers of water under the bridge. Four years ago I owned my part of the whole mess, but to this day my DH and SD refuse to acknowledge their part. So be it.

The problem wasn't the invitation or the past; it was DH wanting me to go with him. I have not attended Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter dinners in three years, due to SD's elevated aggression. DH wants me to go back to where it was, but on the other hand he nor SD will acknowledge there was ever a problem; so you see we would be back on block one.

I thought maybe I was ready to do just as you suggested. I realize I'm not there and may never be. I was seriously thinking about doing exactly as you suggested. I guess I'm just not ready to subject myself to the aggression I know will come.

Thank you for your well accepted advice. We are spending Christmas at home with open house to friends and family Christmas Day; which includes skids and their families, if DH extends the invitation to them. I am civil when they visit DH and he knows they can visit his home. Eight years ago, I stepped away and it is completely DH's gig.

I have set boundaries and am working on a more open mind, but to be honest, I know I'm more at peace where I am with total disengagement.