I always get anxious before I post something online. It's the new public speaking. Only online, hecklers and trolls have time to think about and plan the way they're going to make you feel like shit about yourself. 

I stumbled on here yesterday after googling "is it okay if you aren't fond of your stepkids", very politely. As if Child Services was going to bust in my door and take me away for just being a general dick of a person. The first four or five Google results I received we're all from this site and most of thjem read a little closer to "Omg, I hate my f***ing SD so much I want to human traffic her"

......I'm exaggerating but only a little. And I instantly exhaled and thought, I've found my people. 

I should preface this by explaining two things about me.

The first is that I've never liked other people's children. Right from the time I was babysitting neighbor kids when I was fourteen. 

The second thing is that I care waaaaaaaay too much what other people think of me as a mother. It's very important that people know I'm a Stepford mom and I think I only care so much because of the fact that I'm not, deep down.

So I'm pretty close to putting myself under a 72 hour voluntary psychiatric hold just so I can have three days alone with people less crazy than the ones in my home. 

When my partner and I got together his kids were young (3 and 1) and he had them weekends. I have a 12 year old son from my first marriage and his boy is now 5 and his girl is 7. To say that DH was an inexperienced parent is the understatement of the century. We moved in together fast and I tried to make myself scarce when his kids were over so that it didn't confuse them and so that I wasn't intruding on their time. After a few months and more than a few breakfasts of questionable content, I began getting more involved to help DHs stress levels and also because they were babies and he was clueless. 

Fast forward to today. We have his kids now 50/50, week to week. He and I have a 1 year old that I am absolutely bonkers in love with. He works full time and before the pandemic I worked very part time. Our area is still in full lockdown and I haven't worked since Christmas. I enjoy being a stay at home mom to my boys, it's the best and if I never have to send BS to daycare it wouldn't bother me at all. I even would like one more now that my oldest son is almost a teenager and not interested in me anymore. 

So here's the thing. Because I started getting involved with his kids so young I've fallen into the role of a third parent and I've allowed my partner to become complacent about his parenting duties when his kids are here. Now I've reached the end of my rope. 

I had always just assumed that I made my bed when he and I got together, in terms of his children. I loved him and they came with him. But then it was two days a week. Now it's constant. Now that I'm at home and he's still working full time it's fallen to me to enforce distance learning for his two and my oldest. Three separate programs, computers etc and his youngest is in kindergarten. 

Lord grant me strength. 

I can't do it. I don't know why I have to but I can't. When the government announced they were shutting our school's indefinitely, I cried. Sobbed. I get violently ill the night before they come and I spend the whole week waiting for them to leave. 

His little boy is mostly fine and when his sister isn't around I even enjoy hanging out with him. My baby is nuts about him and loves when he's there. 

But his little girl.......

I can't believe I'm about to say this about a kid but she is everything I was scared of getting before I knew I was having boys. She is entitled, spoiled, sassy, argumentative, whiney and just a general brat. She is literally a miniature version of her mother, walking around my house. Nothing is her fault and the whole world is against her. That girl has never been disciplined in her life and it shows. After I put my son to bed I will take a shower and hide out until she's sent to bed (even though she won't go to sleep for another two hours because she needs to cry and go to the bathroom 10000 times) Her BM has put it in her head that she's got anxiety and needs all these special accomdations to go to sleep at night. I don't put up with that nonsense with my children and one night I snapped and raised my voice. She went and told her mother I shouted at her at bedtime instead of fussing and bending over backwards to make the rules suit her highness. 

Ever since then I've been feeling very resentful. I resent that DH allows it to continue even enables it. I resent the fact that I am a second mother to her. I took them to the dentist for the first time last year, to the optometrist, I make their lunches every day, I buy all their clothes and shoes, make sure they brush and are clean and dressed appropriately. We bought a van for me to drive so I can taxi everyone around. I buy their snowsuits every year and I do all their birthday parties and holidays at our place. 

And after all this, I'm still the wicked stepmother in the story. This pandemic has done a number on me mentally. I'm short tempered and drained. My husband works 6 days a week so he isn't even there when they are mostly. I can't be expected to homeschool three kids and look after a toddler while my SKs mom is at home living it up. All I want to do is enjoy the extra time with my boys without constantly having to referee the other two and I feel all the guilt about it. 

I dont bring it up because I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. After all. He goes to work so I can stay home. Is it part of the deal that I look after his kids too?  Because I'm right at a stage where I need to start disengaging for my own mental health. I also don't want DH to be upset with me....but he is never here and I know he doesn't want to rock the boat with BM regarding their custody arrangement because he wants them here as much as possible. All the while he and my oldest son have almost zero relationship. They go days on end without talking. He's never spent any quality time with him alone, even though his father is practically absent. He's not unkind to him but he doesn't make an effort. So it's resentment city and I hate what it's turning me into. 

I am so lost. I would love some insight. Therapy is expensive. You're all I got.