BM is bipolar - Seeking advice
Hi, thank you for reading. I am a new poster feeling at a loss. I'm currently pregnant, and my husband I recently moved in together along with his two children (S14, D11) from a previous marriage. He and his ex-wife - who is bipolar - share custody 50-50. We are going through all the regular chaos of blending a family, but his ex-wife is making everything more difficult for everyone, and I really want to find a better way of dealing with it/addressing it.
She is high conflict at times with both my husband and the kids, although there will also be long stretches of time where things are OK. I have no direct contact with her, although my husband shares their interactions with me when they are bad and it causes us both a lot of stress.
When something sets things off (and there's often no predicting what that is), she will fight bitterly with the kids. She will also attempt to draw my huband into these conflicts by telling the kids to tell him to "come pick them up", projecting on him that this is his fault, making ridiculous threats, and more. I have gotten him to the point where he won't usually engage with her directly, but will instead directly contact the kids asking them what is going on. Once he makes sure they're safe, he tells them that they need to work to calm things down/work things out.
One problem is that it's unclear what she's actually saying to them during these fights, and I'm concerned that she's being verbally abusive. I do know that she threatens repeatedly to basically give up custody of them, to both the kids and my husband. I have asked my husband a few times to find out what exactly is happening/being said after the fact when things calm down, but the kids often don't have a clear answer. Maybe because they flood with emotion, just like she does? She is supposed to be in mandated court counseling with the kids, but often she won't go, and the kids say it doesn't help.
My husband is a great and devoted father, and the one biological parent they can trust, but another problem is that I'm concerned he's enabling her behavior unwittingly. He is repeatedly drawn into these conflicts, and sometimes (especially in the past) he got directly involved so that now, whenever the conflicts happen, everyone (the kids/his ex-wife) is calling/texting him dozens of times to intervene. He also repeatedly will pick up her slack - when she doesn't feel like doing an activity with the kids on her custody day, she will get him to do it. Basically, she is selfish and willing to hurt the kids, and he is not, and so he will often help take care of them on her custody days, and of course, she almost never returns the favor.
This is just the tip of the iceburg of the rotten things she has done in the past, but my main concern right now are these two current issues - issues that we can control somewhat, because we definitely can't control her behavior.
1) How much can he/should he intervene in the fights she has with the kids? What if she is being verbally abusive, and/or threatens to basically abandon the kids?
2) Can my husband alter his behavior so that he is not doing favors for her/enabling her/caring for them on her custody days, without hurting the kids?
I realize these are difficult questions, which is why I am at a loss. Thanks in advance for reading and any advice you can offer.
Would she agree to give up
Would she agree to give up more custody time to you guys? Sounds like that's what should happen. Maybe if he agreed to keep paying the same amount of Child Support? Which sounds wrong on the surface, but if it would keep his kids out of the crossfire of a mentally ill person, it would be worth it.
It might be worth him
It might be worth him documenting this stuff.. perhaps he is interested in becoming the primary parent.. allow his EX some visitation on a more limited basis.. redo the CO. As it is, I think he needs to stay out of the arguments per se.. but if he is willing and able to offer to remove the kids from her home if she wants to do that.. that would be ok.
I think if you have genuine
I think if you have genuine concerns that these kids are being verbally and/or emotionally abused you have to do what you can to take the kids when things become too heated. I know this is 'enabling' behaviour. But honestly, if they were being hit would you leave them in her care?
We don't have this problem exactly because we live too far from BM. But she goes through periods where she is very unstable and perhaps violent - certainly emotionally abusive. If we could pick them up every time she went off on one, I'd be happier.
I very much recommend this book
https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/1515966534
My stepkids mother has Borderline personality Disorder. My step kid will calll her mom "Bipolar" when her mom is raging and being crazy but her mom isn't Bipolar. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes its concurrent personality disorder. My aunt is Borderline and Bipolar. Your stepkid's BM might be both but it sounds like to me she has Borderline Personality DIsorder. This book really helped me help my stepkids deal with her mother's rages and crazyness. I love this book. It's expensive but I was able to check out from the library digitally online on my ipad for free. You should get it and read it though.
That is the best book! I
That is the best book! I owned it but passed it onto a friend in need.
Firm boundaries for either one is needed to start with. Bi-polar can be medicated and controlled with a doctor's supervision. BPD needs therapy and lots of it and its still hard to fix. They often do go together but not all the time.
OP, has BM been officially diagnosed with something?? Or are you grabbing at straws in an effort to find help for yourself and the crazy you need to cope with???
Hi everyone,
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the responses, I will try to answer questions:
"Would she agree to give up more custody time to you guys?" Actually, she has threatened to try to take more custody away from my husband, claiming things like the kids will be kept up at night with a crying baby (once our new baby is actually born). Her threats of giving up custody of the kids are empty, basically, just something to hurt others with.
"It might be worth him documenting this stuff." He does document and I help him with it/record incidences that have happened. The trouble is that we don't understand exactly what is happening beyond what we are told, and so that's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of.
"I think if you have genuine concerns that these kids are being verbally and/or emotionally abused you have to do what you can to take the kids when things become too heated" My husband does call the kids each time ot happens and checks on them, but he can't go pick them up. The court is aware of her treatment of the kids, as is the counselor that she is supposidly mandated to take them to. His lawyer has counseled him that he could call the police if he is truly concerned, but it hasn't gotten to that level.
"Your stepkid's BM might be both but it sounds like to me she has Borderline Personality DIsorder." "OP, has BM been officially diagnosed with something??" She may be both bipolar and borderline, but my understanding is that she was diagnosed bipolar and has been on medication for bipolar in the past, according to my husband via her (his ex-wife's) mother.
BM in our case is also
BM in our case is also diagnosed Bipolar, but I am in the mental health field, and I will guarantee she ALSO has Borderline/Narcissistic personality disorders. So a person can have both.
This sounds like a very tough situation. I agree with elkclan that guaranteeing his kids' safety is not enabling, that is a time he has to get involved. I also think he should take any extra time she gives him in order to protect his kids. He's actually quite lucky that she hasn't entirely alienated the kids. Don't think of extra time as an imposition, if possible.
"The court is aware of her
"The court is aware of her treatment of the kids, as is the counselor that she is supposidly mandated to take them to."
Is the court doing anything about this ill treatment of the kids of which it's aware? Or just leaving the kids in the bad situation and telling BM to take them to counseling?
Does your husband have the authority to take the kids to the psychologist of his choice on his time? Perhaps a counselor can get a better sense of what's going on at BM's house. Psychologists are mandated reporters of child abuse, so if the skids open up and it's that bad, you might make some progress that way. Of course, if the court is already aware and doing nothing about it . . . .
I found this article that
I found this article that talks about how difficult it verbal abuse is to deal with, especially (in our case) if you mostly suspect it, but suggestions one and two are things we could do right now:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201403/v...
"Explain to the child that the verbal abuse that mom or dad rains down when they are angry is an inaccurate description of the child. Explain that when people get mad, they say things they don't really mean and that are untrue. Explain also that the verbal abuse is not the fault of the child. It is caused by a problem in the parent's brain that makes it produce too much anger."
We could do this at least with the things we know she has said, including threatening to give up custody. Beyond that, I guess we can just keep documenting these things and asking the kids to explain it better to us so that if verbal abuse is going on we can escalate interventions?
That still leaves the problem of doing favors for her on her custody days, but maybe there is nothing to be done since the person who cares most will always lose when dealing with the person that cares least?
Thanks tog and ndc for your
Thanks tog and ndc for your responses.
"I agree with elkclan that guaranteeing his kids' safety is not enabling, that is a time he has to get involved." Yes, I agree.
"Is the court doing anything about this ill treatment of the kids of which it's aware? Or just leaving the kids in the bad situation and telling BM to take them to counseling?" As far as I know, its the second one.
"Does your husband have the authority to take the kids to the psychologist of his choice on his time? Perhaps a counselor can get a better sense of what's going on at BM's house." Yes, and he has in the past, and it's probably time to do that again.
Better lives for children
To me, outweighs the whole equal custody thing. For example, if we need to take an extra day, or take care of something for Munchkin, we just do it. Its the best thing for her, and it doesnt really matter if it is "doing favors", or enabling her slacking off. Our BM, ToxicTroll, does all lot of bad stuff, and one of them is not taking her daughter ANYWHERE. Her daughter felt she had to buy her own costume this year, because her mother flaked last year, causing tears to flow.
ToxicTroll also likes to share her romantic life with Munchkin, and all ther evolving dudes. I suggested she use her voice, speak up, and gently let her know she doesnt want to hear about it. She did and her mother stopped. We feel, that allowing kids the opportunity to problem-solve on their own how to deal with difficulties and difficult people, enables them to independently get along in the world when they are older. I think it really depends on the level, and how things get twisted.
The downside to this kind of parenting, in my opinion is that the children start to "echo" their parents issues. Thats what I am dealing with, as regards Feral Eldest. She sais and does the EXACT SAME things her mother does. Not to mention the LIES, and the GAMES. Right now the current game is "Dad is a bad dad and I want everyone including the family to know this."
Those poor children. My heart aches for them.
1 - The Skids have smart
1 - The Skids have smart phones. Have them record her crap then get that information to the Judge. Let the Judge beat her ass for that crap.
2 - See #1. That will solve this problem.
The key to protecting these kids is destroying the toxic BM.
Make that the goal.
Good luck.
incite
Bipolar individuals evolve around drama not always purposefully. Although some of this behavior is hard wired in. She has to be conscious of the damage she is doing to her kids, first and foremost. unfortunately she may not be able to rationalize this. I agree everything needs to be documented by you and a professional. I would attempt to get CO adjusted. In addition to a mental disorder sometimes bio parents have a terrible time allowing Stepparent to parent their children it can be an ego thing and hurt from the break up divorce.
If she bi polar
Then she will not stop her behavior. She sick and that part of the sickness with her. Bi polar is pass on to the kids, Look it up. Don’t know what you are going to do, you really have to disengage from the craziness for your own good. Because it will not stop and it seams like you are part of it. Not fighting but trying to be a peacemaker
Thank you everyone
I really, really appreciate all of your advice and helping us get some more clarity in a difficult and stressful situation. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I think we have a plan now: 1) Document every incident at the moment it happens so we have better details, including asking the kids specifically the exact words being being said to them 2) Husband takes kids to counseling again, on his own. I expect he will have to notify her, and I think that she should know it's because of his concern about what damage her treatment of them (basically threatening to abandon them) may be doing to them. She is uber-concerned about what other people think about her and tries to hide her behavior from everyone outside the family, so this alone may get her to shape up for a little while (as it has done in the past).