Do I meet the bio mom? (long and ranty lol)
I'm curious about this as I try to stay very neutral and supportive to my DH when it comes to matters of the ex-wife. We got together very quickly but years after they separated- and he warned me in the beginning that his ex was "crazy". I've met a few jaded men in my time and realize that everyone thinks their ex is crazy in some way shape or form and I didn't take it too seriously. Well, I could not have been more naive-from the start he has been hounded with emails/texts, often daily about ridiculous irrelevant things but mostly how he fails as a father and how our relationship is affecting their girls so detrimentally. He made the decision recently to stop responding to her as his children are 19 and 17 and the emails are full of nothing but guilt trips and when he speaks with the girls about the issues she brings up they aren't issues at all. She denies him access-going so far as to steal one of the girls wallets so she was unable to catch the bus to visit us. (We live in different towns)
On our most recent visit we took the girls out for dinner and DH asked that they put their phones away while we ate-within 30 min his phone was blowing up with messages that he had better not be withholding their phones or refusing to let them talk to her or she would call the police because they weren't responding etc etc...both girls received multiple messages from her which led to both of them in tears-this visit she also insisted on coming to town with them and staying at a friends to ensure they travelled in comfort......Following this visit she fired emails at him about how traumatized the girls were and how they needed immediate counselling (good!) and that she would no longer be allowing them to come visit us and was so proud she modelled such mature behavior for her kids. (Say what?)
She will only allow him to see them if he comes to their town-and(please be seated for this one)-would seriously like him to consider a 2 week stay IN THEIR home so "they can feel secure in his love and he can be a part of their day to day life" He is even welcome to use her car!!
Since he has stopped responding she has contacted his mother- complaining about how irresponsible he is etc (she doesn't respond)and then contacting his brother (he doesn't respond)in which she stated that if he didn't talk to her she would have the girls cell numbers changed so he couldn't talk to them. Her approach changes with every email trying to evoke some sort of reaction from her anxiety disorder to money,medical cards, counselling to where her BBQ and punch bowl set are...it goes on and on (this is only the tip of the iceberg).
We have made plans to see the girls in a week (go to their town-which isn't too far from us) but now the BM is wanting to meet with me...not just meet me...but to meet for coffee. I have yet to meet this delightful human and really don't feel I need to (There is no pressure from DH infact he would prefer we don't see her at all but would support any decision I make) I have never felt the need to meet any of my ex-husbands partners...I have, but it wasn't a set up "meet & greet" and I have never had this kind of drama.
So I'm wondering your thoughts are, if any of you think that by meeting her it may alleviate some of this craziness or will it make it worse? What are your experiences with meeting the ex?
My thinking is to stay away....stay far away....but then I wonder, perhaps I may need to be more open if I expect this all to work?....and GO! 
No need to meet her.
No need to meet her. Absolutely none.
The girls are 17 & 19? I would actually like to hear what the police would tell her if she called them because they were not responding to her calls/texts.
He should stay in their home and be part of their daily lives? That is the opposite of being divorced.
None of what she says is even reasonable, especially considering their ages. They are old enough to have a relationship with their father completely independent of their mother. Perhaps that's what she is afraid of.
The girls are 17 and 19, not
The girls are 17 and 19, not toddlers. You are going to be responsible for zero of their parenting, as it is basically done with seeing as one of them is an adult already and one of them will be an sdult in a year.
There is NO reason for you to meet this drama-queen. She will just try to size you up and point out all of your flaws. You could be the most upstanding and beautiful women inside and out, and she will still find a way of ripping you apart and seeking ways to say how you are not good enough to be around her girls.
You and your husband need to dis-engage from mam-bear or have the girls (at least the 19 year old) live with you or help her to become independent so you dont have to deal with that drama-queen.
There is no need to meet her
There is no need to meet her for anything. The meeting is to intimidate you and put you in your place.
She is not your problem, she is your DH's problem. He married her, he divorced her....not you.
And until he stands up to her and lays out some boundaries regarding his parenting time, then I would just ignore her actions and get on with your life as best as you can.
Stay far, far away from this
Stay far, far away from this mess of a woman. She has an agenda to meeting you and you probably don't want to find out what it is. Holy Moly! What a nutbag! I feel bad for the girls being put in the middle like that. I'm sure they see their mom as a little crazy, I hope? Plus the one girl is an adult - why is BM still trying to control her and her dad's relationship? Yikes!!
Oh, and let her call the police ANYTIME! LOL They love these crazies!!
lmao!!!
lmao!!!
Do NOT meet this insane
Do NOT meet this insane woman. It sounds like she looks for things to cause drama. If she meets you, she'll be albe to create something in her head to be dramatic about.
Awesome, thank you for all
Awesome, thank you for all the comments-all of which support my thinking as well. I don't believe any good would come of this.
Ah jeez... Don't do it -
Ah jeez... Don't do it - ever!
The times BM wanted to "talk" with me, it was to tell me "I'm not the mom," to get me to side with her against my DH (as if), or to get ammo for her rants on FB.
First rule of BM Fight Club:
1. Never engage the BM under any circumstances.
From your description the BM
From your description the BM has a severe form of a personality disorder ( google Cluster
and cannot deal with being ignored. She is looking for the buzz, the drama, the supply that will keep her going. For her there is no such thing as negative attention: she must have attention, any attention, at any price, it's a drug that she is addicted to. That explains her bothering her daughters when they are with you, and reaching out to his extended family. What a blessing that his mother and brother stay far away from her. Follow their lead - give her nothing.
Much as I advocate healthy interactions between exes, with the personality-disordered there is only one thing you could do: build high walls, minimize contact, and protect yourself. Do not meet with her. Have some compassion for the girls whom she drives bonkers. She is hostile and unbalanced, and will use anything you "give" her against you in the blink of an eye. So do not be authentic with her, be strategic - stay away. You will not make things better. The girls should get therapy if possible. They are on the receiving end of this dysfunction every day!
Bit of an update-The daily
Bit of an update-The daily emails keep coming in-she has found my facebook profile (which is private but she has since been blocked) and has come up with an interesting story about my "party girl ways" ...I can't imagine what she would have said had she met me in person. Thanks again-every email just proves why I need to stay farrrr far away :?