Drunk control freak
My partners ex wife is a total nightmare. They have been apart for 7 years. His daughter is 12 and mine is 8. We have been together for 3. We don't live together. He has the child 50/50.
She is a functioning alcoholic and a nascisist. She is emotionally abusive to the child and harasses, abuses and screams at my other half whenever it suits her. She blows up his phone. Sends horrible texts. She books holidays without consultation. She sends the child alone round if we have plans. Goes out so we can't return her. Won't answer emails about any sort of arrangements. Sometimes she has been so drunk when he has gone to return the child he has had to keep her over night then drop her off at 5am on his way to work. She texts the child constantly nasty things making her feel bad to ruin activities we may be doing . We have had trackers on her phone. We went away and she barged into his home on return and attacked him. In front of others she is mother of the year.
My partner is terrified of her. He won't report her to anyone or take her to court. We live in this situation where we can't move in together, we can't make plans we have to not see one another for periods of time because she just controls everything. Watching him not stand up makes me so angry and upset as I feel he doesn't care enough for us or the child to do it. He will have a huge row with me to keep the ex happy if she kicks off which makes me mad. I went through an awfully abusive relationship and watching it is triggering. I however went through court and stood up for me and my child. His refusal to do it is ruining our relationship. His child because of the way he runs round is a spoiled brat. He is compensating for the awful mother by making her that that rather than actually doing what she needs and protecting her from the mother. I have told him this over and over he agrees but does nothing.
The behaviour goes in cycles. When it is quiet everything is great. We have no other cross words ever other than about this. I just have reached the end of the line. I can't stand his refusal to stand up. To my daughter he is like a dad and she adores him. I am in the most awful situation there is so much love but how the hell do you ignore all this crap. I am seeing more and more of the mothers behaviour in the daughter and liking her less and less too. Infact lately I really don't want her in my house. The mini wife behaviour is ridiculous.
How do you separate the two things or is it just totally pointless trying?
Unless the dad stops the miniwife behaviour and makes
It abundantly clear what her position is and lack of authority she has in your relationship/ your home and his home, there isn't much chance of change.
i refused any contact with sd's since late 2018. They are not in contact with me or my 2 kids with hubby. They continually disrespected me, thought they were mothers of my kids, fed them things to get them sick, liquified chocolate fed to my toddlers which was left in a really hot car for 6-7 hrs at a nephews engagement that chocolate was everywhere on my daughter. All this done behind daddys back and they smirked.
After that incident that was it, i put my foot down and even then it took 1.5 yrs for my hubby to man up and put sd's in their place. The result is they sulk. I refuse to have any holiday or our home poisoned by them and their toxic behaviour
The root of the problem is
The root of the problem is your partner. He refuses to deal with his ex and he lets his daughter do whatsoever she pleases. Until he can get both of these situations under control, nothing will change. The more he bows down to his ex, the more she will walk all over him. Time for him to talk to a lawyer and also get some serious parenting lessons under his belt.
Ask him why he doesn't love his daughter enough to be a proper parent, giving her structure and limits. He thinks he's being loving and caring but he isn't - he's catering to his own selfish wants. The child needs to learn social skills, about limits, about respect, about tolerance, she doesn't need to see her father grovelling in front of her mother like a ball-less wonder who is afraid to stand up for himself. What kind of an image of parenting is he giving her?
Finally, sooner or later, if this circus continues down the same road, you are going to lose all respect for this guy. Yes, you can love someone and have no respect for them but, when that happens, the love and desire tend to melt away like snow in the sun. If he had any respect for you, you would be living together, possibly married ... but you're not. He's going to spend the rest of his life living in limbo because he's so damn scared of his ex. Again, he needs to see a lawyer YESTERDAY.
Thank you!! That is exactly
Thank you!! That is exactly how it feels and where it is. It was worse beleive it or not but the progress made isn't good enough for me by a mile.
We live 40 mins a part which makes it much more complex. I did consider moving closer but I don't want to be on the doorstep of that loonatic. I won't capitulate il go mental which will only end me in trouble. I don't want his kid living in my house full time so I wouldn't move in, no chance.
I have said all the above to him about lawyers, showing love by actually doing something but he talks the talk then she starts behaving and it doesn't happen. My respect is at rock bottom and the attraction is going the same way for him. I have taken a week out of it all and totally removed myself.
There is a lot of love from my daughter too she adores this guy with her he is fantastic which makes it much harder too. I could put my foot down and make him take the steps I expect but again that really isn't very attractive. She works in law enforcement hence he is terrified to try solicitors. Excuses, excuses, excuses...
I quite agree - these are
I quite agree - these are just excuses. Lawyers work for YOU, not for the local police station.
There's no point in trying to force him to do anything because he will just revert to type as soon as you let go so it would just be an exercise in futility. Your daughter's love for him is not a valid reason to continue down this road. She will get over him and I hope she isn't exposed to the manic situation - she doesn't need that.
It sounds as if your mind is made up. I think that a week off is a great idea. That gives you a little time to clear your mind from the fog that surrounds him and his ex.
Bottom line - life is too short...If he wants to spend his life in thrall to his ex, well, that's his outlook. You don't have to follow.
He is just in total denial.
He is just in total denial. He must tell himself some weird narrative that makes it okay. It's all she will be older soon it won't be an issue. We have more time now than we ever had etc. Not the point.
When I first met him he had the kid every weekend and holiday the mother couldn't be arsed. It is now EOW because she kept messing around and eventually he did put his foot down. Only because I said I would leave. He only divorced her because again I said I would leave. Because of school runs and he daren't not see the kid most days he is totally tied to where he lives. He tries to deflect as he likes to see the kid. Really? Getting up when you worked night shift to drive someone who normally walks ten minutes up the road?? Ridiculous. If we go out for a night he will pick her up and make sure she is home as ex has just not turned up knowing we were out. In his mind he is fascilitating us being able to do things in mine he is bending over for her.
The final straw was he said in school holidays he would have to come to my house to see me because she lives on the next street from him and sends the kid round for him to care for all the time he is home. I said don't bother grow a pair.
When we first met she moved in a random man she met online from another country and told him he had to go to the house and help her clean!! All the running round there has stopped and he has refused to get the kid when we have had time together but it's mental. You can't make someone take the kid back either so even with a court order we wouldn't be too much better off.
When I met him I had no idea about this or I would have run a mile. It came out over about 5 months.
I am raging and he tries to frame it as it's him spending time with his daughter. I feel like it's a rejection and refusal to stand up for us, himself or child. The daughter is around less and less because she is developing her own life but is hanging on for the time when he's is here worth it? He finally blocked her on his phone lately but I am sure she will still be doing all sorts else he won't tell me he knows I am about ready to speak to her myself. That won't end well for him I am sure. She is a tiny woman and a nasty bully. I think she would wither in front of me but for him however many awful things she has done to him he can't say get out my life it seems. It just comes back to she's daughters mother...
This guy is in no way ready
This guy is in no way ready for another relationship. He is way too enmeshed with his ex. Chances are he'll stimm be under her influence years after the kid has grown up and moved out.
That is what I said to him
That is what I said to him the other day. He's given up his whole life. She cheated humiliated him did the most awful things it's just so fucked up. He can crawl back for me. I am so sick of it.
Time to live your life for
Time to live your life for you and your daughter. No stress for you and no stress for her. Win-win!
Please listen to Winterglow
She is giving you great advice.
Also go and read some of the stories about mini wife on the site. Your partner's daughter is only going to get worse as she gets older.
Let us know how you get on.
Update
So we met up yesterday for the first time in a week.
I put all the points across about how loving her is putting in the boundaries. That the only person he is protecting is the ex. I explained that I find it totally unattractive that he won't put the daughter first let alone us. He actually broke down. He says he is burying himself in work because he doesn't know what to do. I said well it is very obvious what is required. He doesn't even tell his family about her behaviour. I said well that will be again to protect her not anyone else. He was maintaining it was not to worry his elderly mother.I know his mother has an inkling as she has asked me about it. She would be disgusted too.
Apparently the ex is threatening suicide to the child AGAIN. He does still have her blocked miraculously. I left it that I am not being involved in this circus anymore. The other obvious issue being as both parents don't speak ever that we have no idea what the truth is about any of it. The child for obvious reasons of being ignored at home loves attention. She often relays what the mother alledigly said about us.
He "says" he will call the school and NSPCC for advice today and report her. I find it staggering that someone could really talk themselves into this having to wait the woman out. This just declaring yourself impotent in the situation I can't get. He just kept saying he thought she would settle back down. That only happens when she has her teeth into a new bloke. Seems no new victim is currently on the horizon.
He works shifts and she likes to have a meltdown and then be unable to look after the child at all. This happened for two weeks over Christmas one year. She didn't see her at all last year. This year she kept her the whole holiday to show off to a bloke. He is terrfied he will report her she will do something ridiculous and either withold the kid as she has done before or take it out on her. I pointed out she does that every single day with her awful emotional abuse anyway. It was her birthday a couple of weeks ago. She didn't even get her a card... Here we had a card, party cake I have really tried to give her that home environment here so much energy has gone into all of this. To give up on the whole thing after three years no matter how stressful it has been is so unexpectedly hard.
I am going to stand back now and see what if anything happens. I have told him regardless of what happens with us I will report her to Social Services if he doesn't because it is the right thing to do. The kid can be a pain in the ass but we had come a long way until recently she has totally regressed since being a lot better with the mini wife behaviour. I am fond of her even though her behaviour drives me nuts a lot of the time. I just can't sit back and watch it and not do anything at all. She has spent more time with me than the mother for the last three years so it is very hard to just walk away even though this whole mess is driving me insane.
Who would get invovled with anyone elses kids and drama. It is so appreciate to be in a place where people understand thank you.
12 is old enough to be home alone for moderate periods of time.
SO should drop her off at BM's on schedule whether BM is home or not. Blast BM and her family notifying them that SD was dropped off, entered BM's residence, and closed and locked the door. He can wait outside in his vehicle to ensure that his daughter is safe. But... he has to keep BM on the hook. I would if I were him.
12 was when my SS-30 got his own house key and would be home after school alone for an hour or two until his mom and/or me came home after work.
A question. Why in the world would you choose to be in an relationship with a failed man, failed father and failed partner who does not have the testicular fortitude to agressively end this crap and have BM relegated to the trash heap of his past and his daughter's past?
YOU.. .have got to respect yourself and value yourself more than to tolerate this useless individual and his shit storm of baggage as your partner.
KNOCK IT OFF!!! NOW! I vigorously applaud that you do not live with this trainwreck.
Take care of you and your kids.
Good luck.
The key is a good solution we
The key is a good solution we need to walk away after drop off. This hasn't happened very recently but in the past she was locked out so we were stuck with her which of course was the game. Because there is always a potential drama it's like plotting an international expedition to arrange anything. The ex punishes us if we do stand up to her by keeping the child, making it's life hell or the game of endlessly threatening suicide. I have lived it for three years and I am exhausted. He is broken and can't seem to do anything but drag along. He was married to her for 15 years she humiliated him in every way possible I just don't get it. You get up for your kids whatever someone does. Obviously the solution is a court order. It is my understanding though in the UK you can't force her to take her back only to give her to us on contact times? He is convinced she won't do what is in the order. In his mind she is 12 now soon she can be on her own more then she could live with him. He works shifts so can't have her full time currently. I could but I won't!!
I am head in my hands I don't know how I've got into this mess. It is ironically better than it was. How humiliating is that to admit. There is a pattern of contact now which generally works unless it changes ie scho holidays which caused the latest blow up. I went through awful domestic abuse myself I know how it feels to be afraid. I however hauled ass through court and won.
We have evidence in the form of nasty texts but she works in the court system which is excuse 9999. I know from my own experience his total lack of any evidence beyond that is going to make this very hard. The kid isn't going to say anything if interviewed I wouldn't imagine. She is terrified of upsetting her mother.
It is like there are two people the one that I know where we have this nice life together as a family. Then the cycle starts again and all I see is this pathetic creature who can't stand up. Because it is cyclical there are times when it is all great then off she goes again. Since her bloke left her she's been horrendous for months which is why I have totally hit the wall now.
I really don't get why he can't just man the fuck up. I think part of it is total humiliation about how she has him tied up. I can't understand it at all. I just am finding it very hard to walk away which is stupid. If I was reading this I would think I was the biggest idiot walking the planet.
" nasty texts but she works
" nasty texts but she works in the court system"
If yoiu have proof, it doesn't matter where she works. I would think that sending your 12yo daughter texts about killing yourself would be pretty high on the "unforgivable" list. Please save and use all the evidence you possibly can.
Don't be overly hard on yourself. You have rescued yourself
before. Good on you.
It is difficult to leave any abusive situation. Human nature is often to rescue the broken, persevere in the face of adversity, etc.... However, we can only change ourselves and if our partner cannot fix their issues, one thing about ourselves that we can absolutely change.... is our partner.
I was in a crap marriage where I was emotionally abused. Not something that a man is usually willing to admit, but.... I was emotionally abused. I would not have left my XW. She was the one who filed for divorce. At that point my shackles were removed and I quit being compliant. She did not like that much.
I thrived.
So, rescue yourself again, and enjoy your new life adventure with this shit show of failed family baggage fading into your past.
Take care of you.
Thank you
I really appreciate the understanding. I think that love and hate can be very close together.
Well done you for being so brave it sounds heartbreaking. These men are so stupid. If you don't fight for your kids or the people who love you over some nasty loonatic.. Just why. He will be very lonely I am sure. It is so sad when you can see how something could be. Of course it isn't real as they don't want it enough ❤️
The biggest issue is abuse & trauma response
Your SO and his child have been mentally abused & manipulated by BM for so long they are broken, scared & beaten down & this is normal for them. The outside world (us) can see this disaster but they cannot as it is all they know & they have been controlled by this fear & can only react to the trauma. He feels powerless from fear. My SO sought counseling before his divorce and has PTSD from this exact type of situation (prior to me). But even when I met him we were still dealing with a lot of these behaviors and his confidence from it. Your SO (IMO) needs to seek help for the trauma he experienced from that relationship as it hasn't stopped & it won't until he figures out how to put his foot down or you walk away & he loses it all. There is NO ONE worse on this earth than a narcissistic parent & I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is such a rollercoaster of emotions.