Different ends of the parenting spectrum - Where does Step-dad step back, and how?
I am Step Dad to a 16 year old high school sophmore. I have been in his life since he was 5 years old. I have no children of my own. His mom and I married when he was 6. His dad is very much in his life, lives down the street and we share time 50/50. His mom (my wife) and his dad have a good, positive relationship and co-parent better than most. I am grateful that Dad has allowed me and welcomed me to be involved in his son's life. I don't know that I could be so generous.
Step son is very bright, independent and, like a typical teenager, thinks he knows everything. He and I have had a good, not storybook perfect, but good relationsihp as long as we've been together. My wife and I work hard to be on the same page, but lately we're not even close. Step-son within the past 6 months to a year has become more defiant, discrespectful, sullen, lying, and unplesant. He's defying rules of the house and knowingly and wantonly breaking the law and lying about it. The most concerning is that he has begun using pot, knowing it is illegal, but believing that it is 'no big deal', 'everybody does it', and it has become somthing that he does on a regular basis. His life is not a disaster. His grades are decent, but not as good as they have been or as good as they could be. He is involved in extracurricular activities that he is dedicated to. He is often lazy around the house with regard to chores, homework, etc. He has good friends we know, and has new friends we don't know and he keeps away from us.
My wife believes the best way to deal with this escalating behavior (attitude, pot smoking, breaking rules), is to let him know that this behavior and choices are not okay, but to let him know that we trust him to make his own decisions, and to continue to try to educate him on the risks he's taking, etc. She firmly believes that if we 'come down hard' on him it will drive him away, make him distrust us, and make him more rebellious. She shares her parenting philosophy with his father. Dad wants to be the 'friend parent', seems to have few rules at his house, and will always defer to my wife regarding parenting decisions. Dad is a regular pot smoker and has been since he was in middle school (we are now in our early 50's). Dad believes it's no big deal if the kid likes to party - who didn't at that age?! Mom was a regular pot smoker also earlier in her life. How bad can it be? They turned out okay, right? I never have been a regular user. I have and do smoke on occassion, but I've never used pot on a regualr basis. Mom and Dad easily discount my fears and concern regarding the pot smoking because I didn't have the same experience they did growing up.
I believe step-son is not getting the message He thinks he knows better than anyone else, is old enough and smart enough to make his own choices. While he says he has stopped using pot during his important athletic season, he has implied he intents to continue.
I think he's headed down a dangerous path. His grades are slipping, he's haging out with new kids we don't know, he's breaking other rules and driving laws. I believe he needs more discipline, not less, needs more active daily involvment in monitoring where is, who he's with, what are they doing. More involvment in his school work - when is it due? is it done? Let me see it - all in spite of the fact that he's been very self motivated and has okay, largely acceptable grades, not as good as they could be. He's talked in the past about wanting to go to a college like Dartmouth.
So, my wife and I are on different ends of the spectrum about how to deal with his choices and behavior. His dad agrees with her. This leaves Step-dad, me, on the outside. At the end of the day, his real parents will make these decisions regardless of what I think is best and especially since we are so far apart. I now live in a house where I don't trust my step-son, I don't enjoy him being around, and I have no influence on him. It causes conflict and stress with me and his Mom - and we love each other deeply. How do I live in this house and participate?
It does sound like he is not
It does sound like he is not too atypical of a teenager. They typically do tend towards asserting their own independence and autonomy at that age.. not always with the best results. I believe in telling kids information they need to make good decisions.
I think his parents are doing him a diservice by not addressing his behaviors and letting him know what the possible consequences are for him.
At 14 my parents had the "we aren't going to punish you any more because all of your actions will impact you more than they will us. we have our advanced degrees.. have a home.. have not been incarcerated.. didn't get caught in teen pregnancy.. etc... choices you make now might limit your options later.
If you want to go to a high end school, you will need to do the work now to prepare yourself. Dartmough doesn't take "b/c" students... and this doesn't even scratch the surface of how will you pay for going to such an expensive private school.. is there money for that? or will he need to get even better grades for a scholarship?
If you are caught with drugs and have a record that will impact your ability to do a lot of things as well..
If you hang around people that are up to no good and you are there when they do something stupid.. YOU may be on the hook as well...
One big hurdle you all have is that you ALL apparently smoke weed.. so, is it a big deal or not? this kid has likely seen it modeled by his own parents.. or knew it was happening.. so it should be no surprise he headed that way himself.. in fact, you even say you imbibe on occasion. I'm not going to get into the relative legality/morality of it.. but there is a certain point where it is hard to lecture when you are not personally committed.
In the end, I think your only option is to appeal to his mother regarding the kid's future and that you CARE about him and are afraid he is throwing away opportunities... and that you want more for him than to be sleeping in your basemant as an adult.. both because you won't stand for a permanent child in the home.. but also the kid deserves a better life.
Ultimately, if the parents won't address things.. all you can do is give sage advice when given the chance.. but kids are notoriously prickly about this stuff and you won't know for years whether it really sank in or not.
Disengage.
Disengage.
You’re in a tough spot but I
You’re in a tough spot but I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not agreeing with the bioparents. The issue is what to do without causing an explosion in your home. Honestly I wouldn’t look the other way to the drug use. You’ll have to start with wife but I wouldn’t accept it in my home and that would be my stand. I’m not sure what your situation is but if able I would make the ultimatum that either he stops smoking or he leaves the house. If my partner didn’t support then there is a good chance I would consider leaving. The fact is that they are allowing a minor to break the law because they think it’s not a big deal. This can have a major impact on you as another adult in his life. A judge could twist this around to enabling a minor and you could end up in legal trouble also.
Disengaging for the rest seems fine but illegal drug use isn’t a joke. Yes pot isn’t “that big of a deal” but it’s still illegal and even more so because of his age. I know my job and I can’t be mixed up with that sort of thing and I won’t let a child destroy my life because mommy and daddy want to be the nice guys.
all three adults here have
all three adults here have their own use issues with the drug.. makes it more difficult to take a hard stand.
I can share what my parents
I can share what my parents did with me at that age. He is 16. He doesn't have to stay in school if he doesn't want to so ... if he won't follow the law and ther household rules..... whether he is in the house or not... he can leave.
Sit him down, explain reality to him, put a home drug test in front of him and inform him that he will be required to pee in a cup once a week and test clean to remain in the home. Sit a check for $500 next to the cup and inform him that if he chooses to stay and abide by the household rules and laws of the land then he will remain a part of the family. If he thinks he is ready to launch then the $500 check is the last thing he will receive from you and his mom, tell him to make sure to writes his mom when he finds a job and a place to live, then tell him he has 15mis to get his clothes together and get out if he chooses to launch.
After 15mins of contemplation I returned the check. We never had to have that conversation again. No pot involved in my case. Just lack of academic focus and willful teen boy brain farts.
In my case the discussion was followed 2wks later by starting my second sophomore year of HS at a military school.
My dad had the same discussion with his parents and my SKid had the same discussion with his mom and I. We all ended up at military school. As did my younger brother.
Now for the do as I say not as I do situation, you, BioDad, and Mom are all users and yet you specifically seem to take issue with the Skid following the example all three of you are setting. If it is not legal in your state then stop. If it is legal in your state for adults then there is little difference between his underage use of pot and underage drinking.
So, you, your DW and BioDad need to grow up and set the example.
Just my thoughts of course.