Feeling Guilty for not feeling good towards nice stepkids
Thank god I found this site. After reading many posts, I feel fortunate to say that my 2 (soon to be) stepkids boys 9 and 11 are really pretty nice to me. That makes me feel even worse about the situation. Their dad and I are the same age, but my 2 kids are grown adults, and just spectacular young men (not just my opinion as their mom, they are truly remarkable, kind and polite). Their dad and I raised them well. The two sk are with us only every other weekend, so for now I am just trying to bear it all. They are messy, impolite, hover over their dad, as their favorite question to me is "Where's my dad?". In my opinions, the older one is too old to be sitting on daddy's lap all the time and wanting to sleep in the same bed. I know they have adjustment issues, but really how would anyone think this is healthy behavior for them? It is getting worse and worse my feelings towards having them around. I pick up dirty dishes, socks, they eat ice cream and watch tv like they've never had it before (their mom is strict). They are pretty nice to me, but I find things like when they first get here, they just walk in the house, ignore me, and start raiding the cabinets and refrigerators. Recently, my dear friends have confided in me that they do not like to come over when the sks are here. They (in a nice way) simple said, "they are not very likable children". I attempt to make parenting suggestions to their dad, but he'll look at me like I am the devil, so I rarely do. Coincidentally, one of the things he loves about me most is how I raised such great kids! Go figure. I love this man to death but I have put off committing to marriage because of this. Will it ever get better? I make plans now to be out of my home as much as possible when they are here. I hired a maid to come and clean the day after they leave so I wouldn't get resentful of cleaning after them. Their dad loves them dearly, is a good dad, but not a particularly good parent. What can I do? I feel like a horrible selfish person. I loved raising my boys and always thought they were easy and love having them around, and their friends! Why can I not feel like this towards my sks? I don't want to live without this man in my life, but I am afraid things are deteriorating because of this. Someone please tell me that having sks can work out to be a blessing?!
I don't know how normal it is
I don't know how normal it is to have a maid in your lifestyle, but my instinct is that these boys need to learn some more organisation themselves as their dad's laissez-faire upbringing style is not doing them any favours as to teaching them discipline & independence. Some kids take to these things easily, others (like my own two BS's bless them) need to be trained and drilled and it is not necessarily anything but their DNA at play
Therefore, hiring a maid could be counter productive because they simply continue to treat other people (particularly adults and of course women) as servants instead of taking the responsibility which will, in turn, help them to grow more like your own two. So perhaps if dad creates some basic boundaries (such as challenging them when they walk to the cabinets, telling them these can only be opened with permission etc; having tidying/cleaning sessions after play sessions; and time limits on TV, and so forth), you could find they are reined in. The fact that they are "pretty nice to you" is fantastic going, and you'd hopefully not lose that if their dad would only impose some boundaries such as these.
I remember teaching my SS after a period of frustration at his messy slobbiness, how to thoroughly clean a bathroom from top to toe (including the ceiling) and then I made it his regular job whenever he stayed with us. It stopped after a few sessions as his dad would not enforce it but, for that short period it happened, it was really quite a good experience for the pair of us and he did not resent it at all. DH sabotaged it though. It's that aspect I guess that you need to test before you marry.
IMO, the problem here is your
IMO, the problem here is your husband. Why on earth are you picking up their socks and dirty dishes? That is HIS job, not yours. Frankly I would fire the maid and tell dh to do it himself. I, too, used to be victim of the "Wheres my dad?"-I have simply turned it around on the kid and like to ask him, "Where's your dad?". It has stopped most of his asking-because I will do it obnoxiously-to the point in which every time I enter the room that only ss is in-I will ask (even if I just came from the same room as dh!). He's 14 so he is old enough to get the point that I am not his dad's keeper nor is he. Also, you need to let your dh know they are not allowed in YOUR bed. If he wants to sleep with his kids so badly then he needs to go to their room and lie in their beds-but it is very inappropriate for YOU to be sleeping with two preteen boys.
Other than that i would just plan really fun, awesome things to do whenever his kids are over. Living your life, focusing on yourself, and having a great time. You will be at your most attractive, to the point where your dh may really want to reconsider how much he focusing on and spoiling his two kids
Thanks for your response.
Thanks for your response. Good helpful advice on the "where's my dad?" constantly. Btw, they DON'T sleep in my bed when I am there. I travel for work sometimes and I know they want to sleep with their dad. I had to make it very clear, (not pleased by dad) that they were never to walk in the bedroom without knocking. I had the 9yo come in when I just stepped out of the shower and absolutely was shocked! My own boys would never do that. I keep the door locked now. I think you are right, I need to have higher expectations for their dad to step up to the plate.
Please read the book
Please read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It will put the dynamics you are experiencing into words and give you insight as to why things are the way they are. But most importantly, it will let you release the guilt. And yeah, it's going to confirm that the dad is not being a parent.
Bless your heart, I feel for
Bless your heart, I feel for you. Thank you for your thoughts and I think there is truth to just being strong. You too will be rewarded. It must be hard to have such a young step child. It is hard enough when you are both the bio parents and can give each other a break. You really need a live in maid :O ! My best advice to you is to set the ground rules early.Can you have an honest heart to heart talk with him? My guy is understanding, but I really have to approach the sk topic very carefully. I did order the Stepmonster book recommended. Maybe you should too if you have not? It feels good just to know I am not the only one suffering. Hang in there!
I think hiring a maid was
I think hiring a maid was genius. I hate cleaning up after SS and it makes me resent him even more having to clean up when he leaves. I just keep saying he is gone just clean up the mess then you can forget he was even here. That makes it easier.
I agree about hiring a maid.
I agree about hiring a maid. I had to do the same because sd14 would rarely lift a finger. It aggravated me for years because dh and I would constantly fight over this. Sd and I are civil to each other. But I have completely disengaged. And I cannot wait til she graduates in 4 years.
This is my situation.
This is my situation. Exactly. My SS9's parents are so afraid to do anything that might upset him any more than he already is by the divorce, including giving him chores, punishing him, telling him he's wrong, etc. In reality, he's being harmed more by their incessant spoiling him rotten than their being divorced. But, they don't see it. It's hard to sit by and watch, but if your husband is open-minded, there's tons of literature about parents of divorce who make this mistake. My DH has been receptive to some of my suggestions when I backed them up with psychological reasons for why he made the mistake of being too permissive a parent.
I really think you and the
I really think you and the SS's dad need to talk. That is the biggest problem. Both of you need to sit down and talk when the SS's aren't there and come to an agreement and stick to it. Never argue in front of them about what is right and wrong. It will just give the SS's fuel to continue on what they are doing even worse. Get rules down and stick to them. These boys are nice to you yes but they are plenty old enough to be picking up after themselves. They know they are walking all over you and will push it as far as you let them. My ss7 and ss5 clean their own rooms, help clean the house do dishes and fold laundry. They never complain because they like the structure and know it is expected of them. They know if they don't do it there are consequences. It is going to take awhile to turn things around but you can do it and you both Have to stick to your guns and Do Not back down because it is easier then pushing on. Good luck to you!!!