Help!
I'm a stepmom to four children--11,9,7,6. I love them dearly and think of them as my own. I have been with their father for almost 2 years and we got married 2 months ago. Their biological mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. She started all of that right after the 6 year old was born and became angry and mean to my husband and would constantly move out and move back in while the divorce proceedings were happening. They divided up everything for joint custody--days/holidays/birthdays etc. and then she just left. She walked out one day and never came back. Didn't even say goodbye to the kids although before she left she wasn't really interested in being a mom and was only there to watch them before/after school. Due to her drug/alcohol use and the abandonment/neglect of the kids--the court awarded her no parenting time and gave full custody to my husband. She hasn't paid any child support in the last 2 years--since the time she was ordered to do so and hasn't seen the kids since. She has moved from state to state without notifying us and has been arrested and in jail several times. She has brief periods of sobriety where she calls us to cry and say sorry but never wants to talk about the kids any other time and even then the conversation never stays on the kids-[-she just wants to talk about herself. Due to the court order-shes not allowed to see the kids and they don't talk to her because it can be months before she calls again and normally she's on something when she calls.
Our 6 year old doesn't really remember her because she left right after he turned 4 and wasn't around much before that, our 7 year old misses her but is happy that her dad and I are together, our 9 year old is very realistic about it--in his last conversation with her he told her she became an alcoholic and got mean.Our 11 year old on the other hand is a different story all together.
When her mom was here she thought she had to be grown up to deal with things--she remembers the most about her mom. Now she is angry and mad at us and swings between wanting to still be grown up and in charge of everything to being a bully. She wants to be in the middle of everything, hardly lets her siblings talk and sneaks food because she can--she gets up earlier then anyone else to go through our mail or drink the coffee creamer or eat ice cream not because she's hungry but because it gives her some sense of I don't know what-it's just the fact her siblings dont get those things. Then she turns around and is just plain mean to her siblings and awful towards us. She yells at us, throws things, stomps and slams doors, refuses to do anything, tells us we hate her, tells the other kids we don't love them, that mom wouldn't have left if they hadn't been born. I know she is hurting and I want her to be able to talk to us about it but we don't feel like she should be able to treat us like crap every time she wants to talk. You can tell when she wants something or is hurting because that's when she is the meanest but I don't think we should encourage her to act that way--I mean we have spent numerous hours with her when she was acting like that dragging what she really wanted to say out of her and the other kids are losing our attention because of it and we feel like we aren't doing her any favors.
So, do we continue to let her treat us like crap and then let her talk about it? Do we ignore the negative attitude and reward positive? We have started ignoring the attitude and telling her things such as "if you are going to pout or have an attitude please do it in your room" "we would love to talk to you but you need to stop treating us like that/stop with the attitude before we can" and most importantly--no matter what our response is or what her response is or even if she gets a consequence--we always say "I love you" and we also respond to some of her attitudes and behaviors with "No matter what you say or what you do, our love for you will not change and we are never going to leave. We won't tolerate you treating us/your siblings like this but regardless WE LOVE YOU".
Anyways-that's the best we ca come up with--we have tried several other things to no avail. Anyone else have issues like this? Input? Are we completely off mark? Should we let her treat us like that because she's angry? Any input at all will be greatly appreciated!
Yes, yes, yes! It seems you
Yes, yes, yes! It seems you are doing all the right things. It's hard to remove yourself from her acting out when you're in the midst of it...but you know the cause. It's a tough age at school too. Bullying runs rampant at this age...and she might be the bully. I would say foster her interests...but she has to think it's her idea. Leave things in the bathroom or through school or have places send her mail. Dancing? An instrument? Sports? Give her something to channel her energy. Good luck!
Going to scream!! sd-7 found
Going to scream!! sd-7 found note left out by sd-11 saying she hates me so much and she is confused bm left--she hates her but misses and loves her and she's fat now. we know she doesnt think she is fat because she actually lost all her baby weight recently and grew 4-5 inches and is actually quite thin and she has commented on it before. She wrote this because I wouldn't let her watch t.v. or play in the basement because she was choosing not to do her homework. however, this is what she does--gets mad and says/writes hurtful things about me and occasionally her father or says negative things about herself hoping that we sit down and drag everything out of her and turn it into an argument--i.e. I'm fat, no your not, yes I am, no your not, I am and I'm ugly to, every girl goes through this, no they don't and so on and so forth. We have been round and round with her saying she can't say hurtful things just because she is angry and wants to talk and she cant do that to her siblings--[they get upset and cry when she does things like this. So do we ignore what was written and just tell her she knows how to approach us if she wants to talk? It's so hard not to react to things like her saying she hates me but I don't want to encourage it by turning around and giving her what she wants....
We tried counseling and she
We tried counseling and she refuses to talk to them. She would tell the counselor she was there just because she was the oldest and her name was on the list so she had to go so the other kids could go--not true by the way but that's all she would tell the counselor and so she quit going. I want her to talk to someone but I can't make her. I know her mom left and therefore she is pushing people away---I push people away because I'm afraid of getting hurt and I wasn't in the same situation as her but her doing this is hurting the other kids because then they don't get time with us because we are dealing with her. I know it will pass and part of it is just her age as well but it's just frustrating right now and I feel like a failure
Its not a problem of opening
Its not a problem of opening up. It's a problem of talking period. She flat out refuses to talk to anyone who is a counselor. Honestly out of months of sessions--all she told the therapist is she didn't need to be there, she had to be there. That was the only words ever spoken in session with the therapist. Yes I know she is 11 but pulling her out of school to drag her to a therapy session where she doesn't say a word and then is angry and mad at us for doing it was counterproductive. I understand needing to build a connection with a therapist. I've been there however in order to do that you have to say something. there aren't many child therapists where we live that take our insurance so its harder then it seems and we are only allowed to many sessions so we stopped going--we are going to try again but its counterproductive to use our sessions when she won't say anything--we held back so we could find a therapist and use the sessions for more then a staring contest. You don't have to agree with me but that's where we are at right now. I was looking for suggestions on how to handle her behavior in general because even with counseling her behavior will not change at once or even quickly
Keep taking her to
Keep taking her to counseling. She will open up eventually. Maybe group counseling with kids her own age will work to begin with.
Keep ignoring her outbursts and telling her yo ulove her. I have a SD6 year old who is ODD and says awful things, tries to hurt herself and us and screams at the top of her lungs. You have ignore all of it (except the physical abuse). If she starts to hit or kick you or someone else, you restrain her and say, "No!" then don't say anything else.
You can discuss it with her when she isn't in a rage.
thanks. we will take her back
thanks. we will take her back to counseling but with a small number of sessions we thought we would take a break and try again to see if she will talk so when she does start talking and opening up, we will have sessions left for her to do it! Anyways-I think that's the main problem is we have a hard time stopping at no. She is so good at getting us to engage even when we don't want to so we are making a concsies effort to stop doing that and talking to her when she done sreaming, acting like a 2 year old and so on but I feel guilty for telling her we can talk when she's done. I'm glad to see others who say to do that...I feel like i'm running so far behind when it comes to parenting--Im 25 and got 4 steps...I feel like I'm playing little girl in mom's clothes sometimes!!
Your life and my life are one
Your life and my life are one in the same. i also am a step mother to four kids all boys. My bf and I have been together almost 2 years. His ex wife is a drug addict not sure about alcoholic but how am i doing so far...right pretty much spot on. I love my boys as if we had always been together. Mine are 9,7,4,3 when i met my bf the oldest loved me. The transition to our relationship was pretty amazing it was so easy. Then the tables turned and the oldest started hating me. When I would spend the night he would scream kick cry and say why do they hate me and my boyfriend told me to ignore it. I volunteer at the school I always have him cook with me and nothing was getting better. He would bad mouth me to family members I hadnt met yet. I mean we almost broke up because I couldnt ignore this behavior. My boyfriend and I called him into the living room just us three to have a conversation. We told him we were thinking of splitting up because he doesnt want me here. He said no no Im sorry i do. I said its fine really if your not ready to have a step mom its ok. Other family members talked to him as well and we have not had an issue since. I dont recommend saying your splitting up because of the child that would not be true but i think counseling is something she really needs. good luck to you