Shared Care plans ... what is best
Hi,
I do not have any of my own children but i am in a relationship where my partner has 2 children from a previous marriage - 4yrs and 5yrs (almost 5 &6).
Lately the older child has been having issues with several things - discipline, dishonesty, stealing, toileting, anger, confusion etc. The younger one deosn't appear to have too many problems - certainly not that we see.
At the moment - and for the past 12mths - we pick the children up on a Sunday and then their mother picks them up from shcool/kindy on Wednesday - so it works out about a 50/50 split.
During this time their mother has caused some emotional problems for the kids and us. The kids esp the younger daughter would often come to our house and tell me she wished i was dead and that her mum was going to 'cut me up' etc. Slowly this has almost diminished and only everynow and then i get 'my mum doesnt like you' to which our strategy is just to say 'thats not nice. so long as you know dad and i care about you and we love each other' we dont buy into it.
Anyway to the point of the post. Now that his son is at school we have been discussing the care options. The children have both at times said they didnt have a home, just two places they stay - even though they have their own rooms here and a large play room with all their toys/tv etc. It appears that they are unsettled.
I feel that they need one stable home and the other parent still needs to be involved and have weekends etc. The ex-wife will not allow my partner to have the primary care of the children which is what he would prefer. I discussed with him that perhaps it was time to think about having the kids every second weekend (we are both full time shift workers). He now feels that would consitute "kicking his kids out" to which i respond, "its not that at all it is doing what we perceive is the right thing for them which is a constant, stable home and involvement with you." I think now that his daughter is also approaching school it is important for their development to know where home is and be settled.
This has caused unimaginable stress between us and almost a relationship breakdown. He doesn't want to be seen as a bad dad but now thinks there could be a point in the stable home arguement. We have also been discussing having our own children in the next 12mths - now he says he can't have more if he is "throwing his away"
Can anyone else provide some insight as to what they think is better. I'm loosing my mind! The option we have discussed is Fri-Sun every second weekend and half the school holidays.
I have first hand experience with 3 situations...
I have two bio children. I have sole custody of my bio daughter 14. She has no relationship with her dad, and has serious anger issues. This is obviously not an ideal situation. My bio son 8, I have primary, but his dad and I worked out a very liberal visitation schedule. Roughly, it is during school, his dad picks him up from school every other Friday and returns him to school on Monday. If it's a long weekend, I usually let his dad have the extra Friday or Monday. He also gets him one night each week, usually Wednesday. During the summer, he is with his dad 2 weeks (I see him for 2 days during that) and me 1 week, and we rotate like that. If either of us needs a sitter, the other parent has first choice to be the sitter, but there is no penalty if we refuse (it can't be used against us in court if we couldn't get him when asked) FH has a daughter 12, and has standard, EOWE visitation, 4 hours on her birthday, half of Christmas day, all the typical "normal" scenario.
Of the three children, the happiest, and by far most well-adjusted is my son. He calls both houses "home", has a close bond with both his dad and I, and because the time is divided up so much, there is no child support issue, which had been a blessing in disguise. If there's no CS, there are no CS arguments, legal proceedings, etc. If he needs something when with me, I get it. If he needs something when with dad, he gets it. Dad pays dental, I pay medical stuff, unless it's extreme, then we split it. He hasn't needed a sitter in months, which he loves, because dad and I always have at least one day during the week to schedule appointments, and EOWE to schedule outings, and we're flexible about switching weekends when something comes up, too. It has worked very well for us. There has to be good communication, and full wardrobes and toys at both houses, along with the occasional meeting half way to bring him something he wanted at the other house but left, that sort of thing. Oh, and I have a babysitter that picks him up after school and there are frequent texts to double check if it's a "dad" day, and there have been one or two confusions from that, but overall, I would say he has done well because of spending lots of time with both parents.
The lawyer that I chose for my divorce serves as a guardian ad litem in family court here. I chose him because I didn't care about property, alimony, anything material, just my son's best interest. It was hard at first, because I was being told by so many that I let my ex's lawyer stick it to me and I should have burned him and taken everything, sued for full alimony and CS. (Ex has quite a bit of business-related assets that he never separated from his personal stuff, so it would have been fair game legally, but come on, that's his living, what do I want with his equipment?!) That just wasn't my MO. My son's surviving the divorce with as little damage as possible was. And I think he is MUCH better off than he would have been had I walked out of the court room with a big alimony check, 12 of 14 days custody, and $1600/mo CS (that's what it would have been by the formula). None of that was worth scarring my little boy.
I know this wouldn't work for everyone. If you and your ex hate each other too much to be civil and work with one another on child stuff, it can't work. It requires that we do a LOT more talking and negotiating than some divorced parents are able to do. But it is good for our son, so we look at everything from that angle.
Edited to mention a huge benefit of this arrangement: neither parent is the "vacation/carnival parent", or the "mean disciplinarian that makes me do chores and homework parent" this way! We both are just parents, with all the ups and downs. Dad's rules are more lenient, but he deals with the behavior from that, and has had to learn to discipline, which EOWE dads a lot of times have a hard time with because they have such limited time. No guilt parenting! Whew!
I hope 'Learnings..." advise works.
I'll just add that you're right on the nose with their need for a home. One parent needs to take on the responsibility. Few women are going to be emotionally prepared to let go of children of that age.
Make a deal with the Mother that Dad recognizes a childs need for a mother and when they begin puberty Mom recognizes the need for a Dad becomes more important.
This is true for either sex. A female needs to learn from a Dad how men should treat her and a male needs to learn how to untie the apron strings.
Get this mutual recognition in writing. If Mom objects bluff her by telling her that's the only way she'll get full time custody.
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There's an exception to everything I say.