I'm was hesitant to list this under mentally unfit bio parents (since the BM has not my knowledge been declared unfit) so if this needs to be moved let me know.
Well, another visit that has left both me and the BF feeling awful. At least this time the SS (8 1/2 yo) didn't kick a woman in the head or throw rocks at a family. I am getting more and more concerned about my SS. He seems to do fine when he's with us and I don't know if it's my imagination but I feel like he feels more grounded with us since we make him do things that I always thought was an obvious part of parenting - like taking a shower and combing his hair (his mother flipped out when we took him to his school's fundraiser with clean hair that had been combed - she said she has never seen his hair look like that and I agreed (I finally noticed a gigantic scar on his forehead that was from a blind dog that she had rescued biting him in his face). Everything seemed fine until she drops him off at a restaurant she wanted him to eat at (as we were leaving to go back home - 7 hours away) with the same thin dress pants on form the event the night before, no socks and another extremely dirty t-shirt (it had just snowed 5-8 inches, was 12 deg outside and his school is at a higher elevation and YES they have outdoor recess). She wanted us to put another pair of disgustingly dirty socks and pants on him and drop him off at his school. The blow-up started when my husband thought it would be a good idea for him to wash his bloody hands (from picking his nose) before he ate his food. Of course this did not go well and ended up with him flinging snot on my husband and kicking and hitting him. My husband then said he was going to sit there until he washed his hands. My SS then started to bang his head against the wall and my husband handed him off to the BM (who had just walked back into the restaurant because she was trying to find some gloves for him since she forgot to bring them in - she previously forgot his jacket when she dropped him off with us during the massive snow storm). She of course didn't step in and discipline him for hitting and kicking his dad or for refusing to wash the blood and snot off of his hands (he was blowing his bloody nose into his hands instead of using tissue in the bathroom) before eating his breakfast. He then got up from his seat while my husband was trying to tell the BM that this behavior was unacceptable and walked over to his BF and hit him in front of his mother. She of course does nothing about this and does not tell my SS to not be rude with his choice of words (or that what he was saying was not nice). Needless to say she walked out with my SS and didn't even make him apologize for what he did or said and in fact (surprising huh?) egged him on as they both walked out the door saying wonderful comments that an eight year old would make (but it was both of them). So now, after being warned by many of her ex-friends that she was crazy I am starting to feel like maybe they are right. I feel horrible for the boy (when we were at his school's event one of the little kids said "Sage acts funny in class"). He previously got kicked out of a $10,000/year school because they kept putting him out in the hall for misbehaving and his mother stormed out b/c they wouldn't cater to his acting out. So now he's in this new school (and he supposedly acted out the day before we left to come up - his mom said he was nervous about the visit which is understandable even though he was excited about us coming up and meeting his new friends - when I asked her how he felt and what he said in their conversations in the weeks up to the visit she ignored me (so I'm assuming she didn't even prepare the poor boy and dropped it on him on the way to school that morning). I am probably ranting and raving but am REALLY concerned for this boy. The BM isn't diagnosed (as far as I know) as being mentally unstable but I am worried about his hygiene (every time we've visited him or he has visited us he is wearing extremely dirty clothes, underwear and socks - and his mother's house is disgusting (the walls are brown and black but I'm sure are white underneath)) and lack of social norms (like not being violent towards others, having respect for others, interests in anything - all of our other friends with kids his age are in activities in which they are learning about rules, sportsmanship and how to play with others - and wearing coats outside when it's snowing heavily, etc - BASIC things). He isn't involved in any activities outside of school. He cannot tie his shoes! I was wondering if he has some sort of pervasive developmental disorder or some vitamin deficiency (not sure what the mom feeds him outside of fast food and fried foods). I am kind of scared of where this is leading and feel obligated to step in - but am not sure how or what to do. A friend (one of the ones that was trying to tell me the BM was crazy) suggested CPS. I am not sure how declaring incompetence works. Something that makes this more complicated is that the BM and SS both have trust funds (the BM does not have a job) so their funding for lawyers will be massive - which is why my husband has not sought going to court. She constantly uses the absence of my husband to her advantage when talking to teachers about his behavior ("he's acting up b/c his father left him") and I've caught her bitching about my SS's BF (calling him a "deadbeat dad" for not being around when she told him she didn't need him when she first found out she was pregnant)
WHAT DO I DO? I thought about calling a friend who works with CPS but also thought about contacting the principle at my SS's school (so it's on the record just in case he REALLY acts out and injures someone) - I am just REALLY worried about this boy and where he's going to be years from now - he's getting worse and the environment that he is in is very unhealthy for him physically and mentally. This would all make sense if the BM was a drugged up pill popping stoner (that has no concerns for their child or their child's success) - but my husband said she is just a hippy (which I have hippy friends who do actually "teach" their children) but far from a stoner. What do we do?????