Autistic SD8 Facetime calls.
Forums:
Hi, all this is my first attempt to write in a forum, so I dont really know all the lingo and acronyms so please bear with me.
So my SD8 lives in Florida while we're in CA and we don't see her very often bc my SO got the short end of the stick during his previous marriage. We try and video chat every weekend which was going well until recently, shes been distracted, and hanging up early. Every time we bring this up with his ex, she just tells us to ask SD8, because she thinks we have the same type of relationship with SD8.
I guess my question is: can we force her to at least stay on the phone for a certain period of time (30min)?
Thing is for the past year
Thing is for the past year our FT conversations have been 45min+ where she is engaged with us. but the past few calls have been less than 10min, where her BM or her StepDad is talking to her.
The difference now is that the call is in the evening before bedtime and and she is no longer allowed to speak with us in her room.
Why the change in time and
Why the change in time and place of the calls?
If BM is deliberately interfering with calls or making it difficult knowing the talk visit will fail, that could possibly violate CO. I assume Dad gets one 30-45min. call a week per the CO?
30 minutes is a long time. Would two 15 minute per week work better.
sadly, this is all worked out
sadly, this is all worked out just between the two of them, the BM says that the mornings no longer work for them. Any other problem she just tells my DH to ask SD8 about it.
IMO it's because when SD8 was on vacation with us, she talked to BM at that same time. I know I'm biased (obvi) But BM acts like our relationship is the same as theirs, that we know everything about her since "we have access" to her records.
My DH would love to talk to her more, but he is also in the military where he is working 12hr shifts and the time difference just work against him during the week.
My husband will read to his
My husband will read to his daughter or have her read to him on skype when she is at her moms. Sd is not very good at conversation and often forgets what she has done since they last spoke, so at least they have something to do together. You could try this. Or perhaps see if there is a game or something they can play together to keep her interested.
30 minutes can be a long time
30 minutes can be a long time for an 8-year-old, especially one with Autism. As long as he calls her consistently, it really doesn't matter how long the calls are. You don't want her to associate the calls with stress. I like the idea above about having her and DH do something together. Maybe he could read her a favorite story?
I remember when I'd call my now-20-year-old son at his father's (or his father would call him when he was with me) it was a super short conversation. And BS has always had a long attention span. Kids are busy, LOL! But it helps keep the connection.
You cannot force her because
You cannot force her because if she is autistic, that will only frustrate her and stress her more. Even as she ages, forcing her to remain on the phone, given her disability would not be a good choice. I would recommend more frequent, less lengthy calls.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your feedback, and yes I get that she is 8, maybe my kids are just different and 30 minutes doesnt feel that long to us.
I should have been more detailed with my OP but like I stated this is my first time posting and wasnt sure of the etiquette about how specific I should have been.
My DH started FT calls with SD8 2 years ago. When we first started it was rocky, she would just sit and stare at us while we struggled to find things to engage her. after about 6 months we finally hit our stride where we would talk and we could tell she was starting to open up to us, our FT lasted around 20-30 minutes at that point. The previous summer vacation with us her BM kept her weekly call at the same time SD8 held with us. Our problem with that was that our SD8 would start to get homesick and would start acting out as well as cut herself off for the day, so we decided this last summer that we would change the time to evening with her BM so that she could sleep off the home sickness. Which seemed to work on our end. by this point our calls lasted at least 45min
BM didn't like this at all. She told my DH that the mornings were no longer available to us, and that we could speak to her either evenings or afternoons, but she could no longer be in her room, she had to be in the dining room and could not speak loudly bc it was nap time for her HS. We chose the evenings, because we thought that could at least be her sweet silly self with us. Ever since the switch she has been distracted and now BM and SDAD think its ok to carry a convo with her while she is FT with us. BM is strict with her schedule with SD8.
Of course if we could work out more times to speak with her even if they are short we would, but DH is in the military and works 12hr shifts, and the time change is +2 hrs she will not allow him to speak with SD8 on school mornings which is understandable, but by the time he comes home its already past SD8 bedtime.
Hes recruiting atm, so He
Hes recruiting atm, so He doesnt have a set schedule for the day, He could be in a meeting with parents or school activites, etc, etc.
Does he have a dinner break
Does he have a dinner break at work? If so, he could take it on the early side and perhaps call her at bedtime. If she is home after school, he might be able to catch her in the afternoon if he takes a late lunch.
The coloring book suggestion is a good one -- esp if you can get one for something she is interested in.
Any chance he can get orders so he can be closer?
Not usually he has his dinner
Not usually he has his dinner at his desk. We can't really move because of my BD, his next orders he will be away from us for 6 months at a time.
But I am in agreement with the coloring books, But if she actually likes them Im pretty sure BM wont save it for FT calls. I can already hear her in my head "I'm not going to stop her from what she wants to do, You tell her to save it for your calls, I'm not going to parent for you."
Can he get those 6 months
Can he get those 6 months somewhere closer to his daughter?
unfortunately thats not how
unfortunately thats not how the military works, Hes not needed there so no reason to station him there.