Dysfunctional family
I just wanted to share my story and possibly gain some advice. I met my wife a little over five years ago and we jumped right into a relationship. She has two daughters from her previous relationship. They were 7 and 9 when I first met them. My wife told me she left their dad and they had shared 50/50 custody at that time. From the beginning, the older daughter was very standoffish, rude, moody and defiant. Even though my wife was supposed to have split custody, the older daughter didn't come around very often (maybe one week a month). I was told that she was still bitter towards my wife (her mother) for leaving their dad. The younger daughter was there half the time. She and I got along pretty well for the first year or so. We got married later that year and bought a house together. Almost immediately after moving in we found out my wife was pregnant with our first child. At this point both girls were with us half the time. During my wife's first month of pregnancy she decided she couldn't work because she was so sick from the pregnancy. This put a huge financial strain on myself. To make matters worse, she offered her sister to move in with us. I knew nothing about her sister. Keep in mind, we were newly weds, we just bought a house, found out we were having our first child, she quit working and she moves her sister in. I can't describe how overwhelmed I was. To make matters worse, my step daughters began to seriously disrespect me and my wife would do nothing. My wife would even get angry at me and shame me in front of them if I decided to simply go outside for a little while to decompress. It got worse and worse from there. My sister in law began to have strange men pick her up from her house almost daily (we lived in the mountains in a small community but far from any town) and even have them coming inside the home when we weren't there. I found out that her sister had a drug problem and she was very promiscuous. So these men were druggies and criminals. Anyway, I told my wife I wanted her sister out ASAP. This of course only made my wife upset and she disagreed. About 1 month before our child was to be born her sister moved out but her daughters began to make sick comments about our child about to be born. Things like "he's not my real brother", "I don't have to acknowledge him" and "I want to throw him in the trash can when he's born". This infuriated me but my wife again, didn't stick up for me. She always took their side and always turned everything around to me. My wife decided that when our son was born that her daughters should stay at their dad's for an extra week so we could focus on our new son and get rest. Well, two weeks went by after our son was born and her daughters decided they no longer wanted to live with us at all. They were 8 and 10. My wife didn't disagree and allowed this. Even though I was miserable with her girls there I KNEW my wife allowing this would be a mistake and I vehemently disagreed with her decision to allow this. I told my wife she would miss them terribly and regret this decision. She did it anyway. Fast forward to today, 4 years later. My wife hasn't seen her oldest daughter in 3 years and only sees her youngest every other Friday for 3 hours. The problem is my wife has blamed me for her choice and situation ever since they moved out. She constantly mopes around and is resentful towards me. When her daughter comes around our sons (our second child was born 2 years ago) she is very rude, dismissive and ignores them. She definitely ignores me. My wife buddies up with her and even disrespects me in front of her daughter. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I am miserable and fed up with my wife. I'm at the point where I've stopped trying. I isolate myself at work and don't ever go out or do anything but work and come home to watch our boys. I am about 80% in this marriage still only so I can see my boys every day. I love them with my whole heart and need to be around them. The other 20 percent is holding on to a glimmer of hope that our marriage can work because I still have love for my wife. I feel that I made a huge mistake and I am now dealing with my poor choices. Sorry for the rant, I just need to let this out.
Your wife
I think the problem isn't your step-daughters, it's your wife. Would she go to marital counseling with you? If not, you should go yourself, or start with your doctor because you sound depressed.
She seems to make important decisions without thinking them thru. For the sake of your sons, get some counseling, hopefully marriage counselling or else therapy for yourself. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Good luck.
I totally agree that the
I totally agree that the problem has been my wife. I take total responsibility for being in my situation though. You're spot on about her decision making. She is very compulsive and changes her mind almost daily. We tried marriage counseling once before my first son was born but after only three sessions it turned into my wife pointing the finger at me and the counselor pacifying her. I wanted help with problems and guidance towards being in a better marriage but it failed. I am interested in going to counseling for myself now and will soon. My sons are my number one priority now and I know they need me in their life daily. One of my biggest fears is the environment and people that she would expose them to if I wasn't there. Thank you for responding!
I went to personal counseling
I went to personal counseling at a point where I was ready to split from DH. I can honestly say it changed my life and by extension, the lives of 6 others: DH, my 2 bios and 3 SKs. Good luck, you sound like a thoughtful person who will benefit from it.
I have an instant distrust of
I have an instant distrust of someone that would basically abandon a minor child like your wife did. Do you think that her history there would help you get custody of your boys? Has your wife ever gone back to work? or is she milking you for everything? Does she pay any support to her ex?
Sorry.. she doesn't sound like a great person.. bringing her druggie sister into your home etc.. giving up on her kid. if a friend gave you this bio of his new GF.. you would probably tell him to leave.. lol.
Thank you for responding. I
Thank you for responding. I also have a huge distrust for my wife based on her horrible decisions and even more so because she has the nerve to blame me. I have considered how her history could potentially help me in gaining custody over our sons. Honestly, I am afraid of attempting to do so and she either gains majority custody or it is split 50/50. I am afraid of what and who she will expose them to if I'm not there. She has gone back to work part time and while it helps financially it doesn't make up for the financial ruin she caused years ago. I am still trying to repair my credit today. Her ex is currently trying to get child support, which I think is fair but that means a chunk of our money will go to him. She wouldn't have to pay anything had she never given up custody and we adjusted bills and budget around her girls also living with us. Again, I told her not to make that decision in the first place. Of course, however, she blames me for even making that decision and for her girls not being there. She is resentful towards me daily and refuses to even tell me I'm a good dad to our sons. I am with them literally every minute I am not working or when they're sleeping. I try to focus on being present, involved and loving to my boys because I know this will not last.
I know this has to suck..
I know this has to suck.. hindsight is always 20/20.. and my DH said he regretted marrying his EX.. literally the day of the wedding she turned into a completely different person.. but he chalked it up to wedding day jitters.. when in reality.. her mask was slipping.. and the true person came out. he also had 2 kids.. but fortunately.. while his EX was not a great emotionally stable parent...in some ways.. she didn't really bring dangerous people.. drugs around her girls.. (didn't do them).. she was and still is a gold digging beotch.. but didn't endanger her kids in an active way.. though she was a lazy parent and often didn't really keep up with needs.. oh.. like having food in the house. (grandma and grandpa would often drop groceris off).
If it ever comes down to it.. I guess you could put in your CO.. that both of you need to be subject to random/regular drug screens? If your wife has had any criminal record for drugs.. it could also play in your favor there..
Welcome.
Not only will you find support for your step situation, but our members in general don't respect irresponsible, selfish women like your wife. Many of us have had to pick up slack, work OT, and financially sacrifice because of such women. We also know things about women that only other women know.
Theres a subset of women who careen through life expecting never to be held accountable for their behavior or bad choices. They seek out men they can control, manipulate, or who have sufficiently old fashioned beliefs that they dont expect their woman to be an equal partner. If your W is ordered to pay c.s. (and she definitely should be, IMO), it will be HER obligation to pay, not yours. She may have to secure full-time employment like most other adults and parents, but the amount will probably be low as it will be based off her income, not yours. You need to make it clear that YOU will not be paying it, and be prepared for tears, cajoling, and venom as she tries every form of manipulation on you. Stand firm, as the more she works, the better positioned you'll be in a divorce.
You need to accept that this relationship is neither healthy nor sustainable and start forming an exit strategy. Assume stealth mode. Speak to a few good divorce attorneys, find out how to best protect your interests and position yourself for a run at primary custody, and play the long game. Separate your finances, continue to rebuild your credit, and be the most involved dad you can possibly be. You need to build a strong, lasting bond with your sons as well as a reputation in your community as a dedicated, hands on father. Why? Because you bred with a bottom feeder, and if this woman is allowed to, she'll ruin your sons. Because women like your wife USE their children - as meal tickets, as leverage, as a means to hurt their dad through alienation, and for image management. Please don't be naive about this woman, or what she might do or accuse you of in order to serve her interests. You may have to stay in the marriage for a bit while getting your ducks in a row, so play nice but be stealthy. Above all, don't get her pregnant. That's another move from the female user playbook.
Very well said and I
Very well said and I completely agree with everything you stated. I am primarily focused on bonding with my sons now. There are a couple of options on the horizon for me where I will have the upper hand in case of divorce. I am not giving her the benefit of the doubt in any way. I know what she's capable of and I do not trust her in any capacity. She hasn't ended our marriage because she knows she would have to work a hell of a lot harder and be in a much worse situation than me. Plus, if she breaks it off she also knows our sons will find out she was the one that broke our family up. That is a big reason why her girls don't want to live with her, they know she selfishly broke up their family. Regardless, she is still bitter, resentful and completely unappreciative of me as a father, man and husband. I make it well known within our circle that I am loyal and an extremely involved and loving father. As I said, I go from work to home every day and stay with our boys. I know they see it and love me for it based on our interactions and their happiness around me. Thank you very much for the advice and response!
My DH was the breadwinner AND
My DH was the breadwinner AND primary parent. BM ran up credit card debt and her thinking was "saddle him with debt and 4 kids, he will never leave me, can't afford it, ". Well he left anyways and she ramp up the PAS, rewrote history and basically brainwashed them into believing she was the only parent who parented them. Do not under estimate a BM like yours. If pushed to work, she will alienate your boys from you. She won't parent them but she will take the CS for herself. Take pictures and video Of your time together so you have proof of the good times with them. Talk about memories with them. Don't let her lies go unchallenged. Age appropriate facts always. Don't wait to do this, do it now as you parent them. Eventually you will have to teach them what healthy partners look and act like. Be proactive. Now. My DH has two sons that he is estranged from. He realized after the fact that BM had been alienating them from the day they were born. Hindsight is 20/20 and the damage was done.
I’ll tell you what my fil said to my husband about
12 plus years ago in front of his siblings, "divorce your wife, she is holding you back" and when hubby said he had 3 kids (sd15, ss12 and sd 5) and my fil told him those kids are not worth you destroying your life and career for in a lacklustre marriage based on lies, cheating, manipulation and disrespect.
staying in an unhealthy marriage that will never change for the sake of kids only teaches them that this is normal and this is how to treat others which only perpetuates this never ending cycle of dysfunction.
your wife has no respect for you, she complains and criticises you in front of her daughters and your kids together, she doesn't treat your marriage with respect and you 2 being a solid family unit.
there are women who go through life trying to find a gullible sucker who can be manipulated and sadly many good hearted men who want to see the positives despite all the red flags and negatives, still get suckered into these deceptive misleading marriages.
you can't change the fact that your wife's family is dysfunctional, that her daughters wished to throw your newborn son in a trashcan (red flag for any developmental paediatrician of psychopath tendencies) and what you'd expect from a serial killer or psychopath, that your wife made excuses and blamed you for them behaving this way.
they were damaged dysfunctional goods to begin with. You're just the convenient scapegoat for that dysfunction and years of resentment have built up and finally you're opening your eyes and realising this isn't right, i should put up with another day of this nonsense and i need to get my kids out of this dysfunction so they can grow up in a safe healthy environment.
my eldest sd who was 23.5 called my husband one day with crocodile tears and guilted him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me (aged 1 & 2.5) because despite them cutting off contact and disappearing for 5.5 yrs, my husband was expected to put his life on hold whilst biomum was happily allowed to marry her affair husband whom she cheated with whilst married to my husband. Blaming 2 toddlers for the dysfunctional relationship sd's had with their dad pre-my existence in my husbands life is just gaslighting toxic behaviour to absolve themselves of any responsibility
you need to make a decision whether you wanna waste more yrs of this toxic dysfunction or put your foot down and say, this is what needs to happen (issue an ultimatum what changes you want to happen by a certain date, what plans you have to get there if thats what you wanna try or start planning your exit, see a divorce lawyer for advice if you require before you make that decision but above all, never let yourself be taken for a ride by these people!!
IMHO the problem is that you tolerate this shit.
Stop that. Love is not the tingly feelings associated with someone. Love is action. Love is earned. Your toxic bride has not earned your love.
Stop sacrificing yourself and your boys on this alter of martyrdom to your wife and her multigenerational shallow and polluted gene pool. Her, her sister, her daughters. All toxic
smh
get it
Similar situation here in some ways, you're not alone. I'm new here and can see that this is a great place to rant, let it out and get support from people in a similar place. But I'll tell you what, finding the right counsellor to work on yourself (you cant change your partner unless maybe you go as a couple) is a great place to be. Been working on my own confidence, self worth and finding my inner child to look after too has really helped. Might be odd to see that from your point of view but doing the work really does help. Find someone who can work with you on you, may go through a few counsellors before finding the right one but eventually after several sessions things start to click