Frustrated Step Father
Hello everyone glad to find this place to vent out some frustration.
I met my wife 4 years ago and fell in love with her she had a 12 year old and 8 year old son. I moved in and eventually got married to her and we now have a son as well. Right now I have a 17 and 12 Step Son. The oldest hates his BF, and does nothing but holes up in his room all day. He has no friends except the ones he has online that i consider fake. Hes is always rude, and probably the laziest person I have ever met. I try so hard to not hate that kid but he literally wont lift a finger to help out with anything. He is doing horrible in school, and has zero interest in finding a job. He is gay as well, and came out to me and his mother. We were fine with that and supported him and I prayed that maybe that contributed to his attitudes, but he has stayed the same.
The 12 year old hates me, he considers me not part of the family, he talks to his BF and resents me for it for some reason. The BF is the old classic BF that never sees his kid and tells him he is coming over to do things and never shows. He never pays child support and is overall a big waste of space. That being said I understand that the 12 SS will probably hate me forever or until hes older.
The problems I am having are that I feel alone. My wife tries very hard to not take sides and usually doesn't. We both work full time, and sometimes she just cant take it and gives in. I get that, but I don't understand it. The kids are super stubborn. If you take their fun things away, they will not change ive taken their video games and cable away for 4 months and the stubborn kids wont change. Nothing seems to work the only thing I have to cling to is that when the oldest turns 18 he is going to be out the door.
My darkest fear is that my wife doesn't kick her son out when he becomes 18. I love my wife and know without a doubt she loves me eternally, but I will give an ultimatum on that day. It will be the kid or me. I feel horrible for it, but I will not have a hobo in my house. IF he worked and payed rent or contributed it would be different but this kid has never done anything not selfish in the 5 years ive known him. I will not have that as an example to my other step son and my bio son its wrong and I feel strongly about it. Maybe Im wrong for thinking this I dont know. I know this is all jumbled but its ahrd to condense 5 years into writing lol.
The good news is my step kids love their half brother to death, that's the only blessing I have when it comes to them, at least I dont have to deal with the mtaking it out on my toddler.
If your wife has done nothing
If your wife has done nothing to discipline and motivate her teen in the 4yrs you're been together, I highly doubt your 'him or me' is going to go in your favor when the teen reaches 18. He's failing school, what kind of job to pay rent do you think the kid will find? No one wants to hire a lazy kid. Teens that age bracket who really want to work and will be good employees are a dime a dozen. There is no room in the job market for a stupid lazy one.
If Mom won't even make Junior help around the house, I doubt she'll kick him out the door to live in the street. The best thing perhaps to try between now his kid's magical age 18 is to get him into some counseling to deal with his issues and feeling about his birth father, his low self esteem (lack of friends), dealing with step-family life and his rotten attitude and lack of motivation in general. Otherwise, my bet is your wife keeps the kid and hands you a suitcase. Sad, but if the mother hasn't been willing to help her son prepare for the launch as of it, she's likely not about to shove him out the door. He'll still be doing nothing and hiding out in his room at 25.
Agreed!Volvotank, I'm a
Agreed!Volvotank, I'm a stepfather to a 13-year-old who also does nothing around the house and is not doing well in school. I told my wife a month ago that if he flunks HS, then I'm done. Once he turns 18, he is to get a job and he is to move out. I will not support a "hobo" either. If I were you, I would tell your wife of your intentions NOW. Don't wait until he turns 18 because if you spring this ultimatum on your wife the day of, she will choose her son. I am willing to bet my life savings on it! So I would tell her ASAP what your intentions are and tell it to her with as much emotional detachment as you can muster. If your relationship with your wife is rock solid, then you both will be able to compromise and come up with a game plan so that M-day (moving day) will never happen.
Are you all still living in
Are you all still living in her house or did you purchase a new home together?
If it's her house, she may not her soon out. She's MIGHT try to push him to get a job. You're kidding yourself if you think she's going to put her 18 year old out.
Its not about me springing a
Its not about me springing a him or me, I don't wan't to be like that but I have to be. I have to be like that for there to be a chance for the 12 year old, and my toddler. They can't think that their older brother can get away with it. I refuse to allow it to happen.
I understand he is going through difficulties and all that jazz i really do. However, he also won't do anything to better himself. We have wasted thousands on therapy and the stubborn fool wont say a word. Not one word. First of all his Real dad beat him and I completely understand the behavioral issues, however WE ARE OUT OF TIME. There is no time left, reality is coming now. He needs to be ready for the real world its almost there for him. People have touch upbringings but at some point they have to turn the switch and make a difference. If he doesn't then in my opinion he has to be shown the door out of love. Keeping him there just so its easy does nothing for him, he is choosing the hard way and we should let him.
We aren't a rich family we both work very hard to provide a nice house and environment for our children. So when she comes home and has to clean up their mess, i see that look in her eyes. Do I think she is going to kick the kid out day one when he is 18? no. Do i think if he is not working and continues to be the same kid after a month will she kick him out? I hope so. I have to believe that don't your understand? IF I don't believe that then im in Prison. It's prison with no parole.
As to disney fan, they lived in a dump apartment when i met and we have since bought a nice house together after we were married. If im kidding myself then im out, i will not live a life like that and my son will not either, and i don't believe that it will come to that but if it does, i have to do that or I won't have any self respect.