My BF and I have been together for the last three years. We moved in together 4 months ago. I love my BF with all my heart. He's a great man and a great father to his DDs, SD12 and SD8. The girls, however, are not great. Everyone thinks of me as their SM, which is frustrating because I'm not sure I'll ever want to marry BF because of all the crap.
BM has been out of the picture for a long time. She left when SD8 was born. She was gone for a couple of years and then came back for another couple of years. He retained custody, but she seemed to make a real effort to get back in the girls lives. Then, out of nowhere, she disappeared again. The girls still call her and sometimes she'll call them, though it's usually the first one. When they call she does actually answer (which is rare at times) she can say anything from "Oh, I'll see you on your birthday!" (didn't happen) to "I'm too busy to talk now." She even told SD12 once that she was about to sleep with her BF and would have to talk to her some other time.
The girls aren't bad kids in the general sense. They do well in school. Do their chores, etc... But they hate me. They hate me enough that they like to send the message that they'll never want me around and don't want anything from me. An example: SD8 was struggling with her HW one day. Asked SD12 for help. But SD12 didn't know. So they call BM. BM doesn't answer and they leave a voicemail. When she doesn't call back, they try aunt. Aunt tells them to she's busy at work, ask me. Next they try BF. BF is also at work and cannot answer. So they call GM (BFs mom) and she helps. Then she asks to speak to me so SD12 brings the phone into the office and GM tears into me for not helping. I had offered when I went to check on them, but was told my help wasn't wanted. GM believes I should be more of a mom to these girls, says it's my fault they don't like me and I should try harder. I hear this whenever I see her, which isn't very often. BF asked about it when he got home. SD8 had a tantrum and started cursing about how unfair it is that he wants them to ask me instead of calling everyone they know. SD8 was grounded for a week, which was extended after a day when she cursed at me for getting her into trouble.
Another day BF and I brought the girls out. SD12 wanted an ice cream. So BF gave her the money and told her to get one for the four of us. She came back with one for BF, SD8 and herself, but not me. She "forgot" mine. BF asked her to go back and get me one. She refused. So he took the one she bought for herself and gave it to me. She glared at me until I told BF I wanted to go home because the fun was gone out of it. I'd rather go to the library and read than feel her glaring at me for hours. In the car, she told me I was a bitch and said I ruined her day. BF told her she ruined the day, not me. He told her she was acting like a spoiled brat and she was grounded for the foreseeable future. He took her phone (and laptop when we got back to the house) and he told her there was no TV, internet or anything until he felt she was behaving better. It's been a little over a month now and she hasn't earned them back yet.
The latest incident a couple of weeks ago was embarrassing. SD12 started her period. She walked to her BFFs house after school (I don't drive them) and she asked BFFs mom for some pads. BFFs mom asked her why she didn't go straight home to get some from me and she told her "I don't want ANYTHING from HER" and "She's not my family, why would I?" I think BFFs mom was uncomfortable and a little baffled by the last part, but she gave her some. Then she called us about it and told BF that he'd want to be careful she doesn't start telling teachers we refuse to get her some. I tried giving her some of my pads, but she refused to wear them so BF went out himself and bought her some. He told her he doesn't want to have to keep buying them for her. Her response was "Fine! I'll call GM and ask her to get them for me!" GM called later that night and called BF out on me not being a good mother figure in their lives. He hung up on her after she refused to listen to him and he pulled out the phone. }:)
BF talks about us getting married and having kids. I look at the way we live now and think; Do I hate myself or my future kids that much that I'd make things worse for myself and them? I know it would worsen if we got married. They'd probably start increasing the bad behavior. Honestly, if they ignored me and just kept their mouths shut and stopped playing games, I wouldn't worry about marrying him. But how would they treat half siblings? Especially ones that come from me? My heart hurts thinking about it.
The only thing I don't understand here is why your SO says he doesn't want to have to buy pads for his daughter. Isn't this his responsibility until she is old enough to buy them herself?
Yeah, I wouldn't marry him. The girls sound like they have a lot of unresolved feelings.
Well if you leave, kids get what they want. They'll also continue this with anyone else he wants to be with. You have to decide if it's worth it or not to stay, and question the safety of your future children if you do, not to mention your sanity.
I agree that they need counseling. They need to hear from a professional. Often times when skids have a problem with new step, it's vial, vicious lies they heard from their other home, the jilted other parent. That's an uphill battle! Only you can determine if it's worth it.
In the meantime, it's great he corrects then when they are wrong. He should keep it up.
Sounds like your at a cross roads ~ do you stay or do you go.
First only you can decide that ~ when you have had enough ~ you will know.
GM wants you to pick up where the lousy BM left off ~ be your BF partner. But do you have a say in the discipline ~ sounds like you are unsure of your role at hand ~ n I can understand that.
Sounds like the kids need therapy ~ BM did a number on them. The only people they trust are BF , the Aunt n GM ~ there safety net. It's sad ~ but their behavior is wrong n BF is commended for staying on top of them n dishing out the punishments.
Before you moved in ~ did he explain to the girls what was going to happen or just do it.
I think that the BF is handling things great although I wonder, if BM has been gone for 8 years where did the kids get the idea they can behave like this? If this was the MO consistently, no way would these girls even get the idea let alone act it out. Also, He needs to get GM under control. Honestly, I would not talk to this woman. It is not up to her to define your role in the family.
Be very cautious. I have a feeling his "good dad" is a front & these girls have run off other women Dad wanted for glorified nanny work before. Also, the girls seem to run to everyone to get things done. Again, another indication that they run the household and have run off other women. Have I said be cautious?
That's an excuse and has nothing to do with basic respect and manners.
The day my SD called an adult (or anybody) a bitch, would be the day she needed a good dentist. Which would not have happened because my DH raised her better than that.
My SD (now 23) may not have had warm fuzzy feelings for me when she was growing up but there is no way she would have pulled this crap. She knew better.
Like simifan said, sure, the BF corrected them but what made them think they could act that way to begin with? They should already know better.
I fully get what your saying and I agree. I am adding that girls abandoned by thier mothers get really messed in the head in regards to other women filling the role. All around it is a very hard situation. They dad and girls really need therapy.
My BF and I have been
My BF and I have been together for the last three years. We moved in together 4 months ago. I love my BF with all my heart. He's a great man and a great father to his DDs, SD12 and SD8. The girls, however, are not great. Everyone thinks of me as their SM, which is frustrating because I'm not sure I'll ever want to marry BF because of all the crap.
BM has been out of the picture for a long time. She left when SD8 was born. She was gone for a couple of years and then came back for another couple of years. He retained custody, but she seemed to make a real effort to get back in the girls lives. Then, out of nowhere, she disappeared again. The girls still call her and sometimes she'll call them, though it's usually the first one. When they call she does actually answer (which is rare at times) she can say anything from "Oh, I'll see you on your birthday!" (didn't happen) to "I'm too busy to talk now." She even told SD12 once that she was about to sleep with her BF and would have to talk to her some other time.
The girls aren't bad kids in the general sense. They do well in school. Do their chores, etc... But they hate me. They hate me enough that they like to send the message that they'll never want me around and don't want anything from me. An example: SD8 was struggling with her HW one day. Asked SD12 for help. But SD12 didn't know. So they call BM. BM doesn't answer and they leave a voicemail. When she doesn't call back, they try aunt. Aunt tells them to she's busy at work, ask me. Next they try BF. BF is also at work and cannot answer. So they call GM (BFs mom) and she helps. Then she asks to speak to me so SD12 brings the phone into the office and GM tears into me for not helping. I had offered when I went to check on them, but was told my help wasn't wanted. GM believes I should be more of a mom to these girls, says it's my fault they don't like me and I should try harder. I hear this whenever I see her, which isn't very often. BF asked about it when he got home. SD8 had a tantrum and started cursing about how unfair it is that he wants them to ask me instead of calling everyone they know. SD8 was grounded for a week, which was extended after a day when she cursed at me for getting her into trouble.
Another day BF and I brought the girls out. SD12 wanted an ice cream. So BF gave her the money and told her to get one for the four of us. She came back with one for BF, SD8 and herself, but not me. She "forgot" mine. BF asked her to go back and get me one. She refused. So he took the one she bought for herself and gave it to me. She glared at me until I told BF I wanted to go home because the fun was gone out of it. I'd rather go to the library and read than feel her glaring at me for hours. In the car, she told me I was a bitch and said I ruined her day. BF told her she ruined the day, not me. He told her she was acting like a spoiled brat and she was grounded for the foreseeable future. He took her phone (and laptop when we got back to the house) and he told her there was no TV, internet or anything until he felt she was behaving better. It's been a little over a month now and she hasn't earned them back yet.
The latest incident a couple of weeks ago was embarrassing. SD12 started her period. She walked to her BFFs house after school (I don't drive them) and she asked BFFs mom for some pads. BFFs mom asked her why she didn't go straight home to get some from me and she told her "I don't want ANYTHING from HER" and "She's not my family, why would I?" I think BFFs mom was uncomfortable and a little baffled by the last part, but she gave her some. Then she called us about it and told BF that he'd want to be careful she doesn't start telling teachers we refuse to get her some. I tried giving her some of my pads, but she refused to wear them so BF went out himself and bought her some. He told her he doesn't want to have to keep buying them for her. Her response was "Fine! I'll call GM and ask her to get them for me!" GM called later that night and called BF out on me not being a good mother figure in their lives. He hung up on her after she refused to listen to him and he pulled out the phone. }:)
BF talks about us getting married and having kids. I look at the way we live now and think; Do I hate myself or my future kids that much that I'd make things worse for myself and them? I know it would worsen if we got married. They'd probably start increasing the bad behavior. Honestly, if they ignored me and just kept their mouths shut and stopped playing games, I wouldn't worry about marrying him. But how would they treat half siblings? Especially ones that come from me? My heart hurts thinking about it.
^^^ This ^^^ This. Go
^^^ This ^^^
This. Go quickly. Let BF figure it out.
Holy crap - skids are friggen evil, horrid little things
Kudos to BF for at least
Kudos to BF for at least recognising there is a problem.
He needs to get both kids into counseling to deal with reality. BM is not moving back and will never be the mom they long for.
The only thing I don't
The only thing I don't understand here is why your SO says he doesn't want to have to buy pads for his daughter. Isn't this his responsibility until she is old enough to buy them herself?
Yeah, I wouldn't marry him. The girls sound like they have a lot of unresolved feelings.
Well if you leave, kids get
Well if you leave, kids get what they want. They'll also continue this with anyone else he wants to be with. You have to decide if it's worth it or not to stay, and question the safety of your future children if you do, not to mention your sanity.
I agree that they need counseling. They need to hear from a professional. Often times when skids have a problem with new step, it's vial, vicious lies they heard from their other home, the jilted other parent. That's an uphill battle! Only you can determine if it's worth it.
In the meantime, it's great he corrects then when they are wrong. He should keep it up.
Sounds like your at a cross
Sounds like your at a cross roads ~ do you stay or do you go.
First only you can decide that ~ when you have had enough ~ you will know.
GM wants you to pick up where the lousy BM left off ~ be your BF partner. But do you have a say in the discipline ~ sounds like you are unsure of your role at hand ~ n I can understand that.
Sounds like the kids need therapy ~ BM did a number on them. The only people they trust are BF , the Aunt n GM ~ there safety net. It's sad ~ but their behavior is wrong n BF is commended for staying on top of them n dishing out the punishments.
Before you moved in ~ did he explain to the girls what was going to happen or just do it.
I agree. GM and BM need
I agree. GM and BM need limits asap.
I think that the BF is
I think that the BF is handling things great although I wonder, if BM has been gone for 8 years where did the kids get the idea they can behave like this? If this was the MO consistently, no way would these girls even get the idea let alone act it out. Also, He needs to get GM under control. Honestly, I would not talk to this woman. It is not up to her to define your role in the family.
Be very cautious. I have a feeling his "good dad" is a front & these girls have run off other women Dad wanted for glorified nanny work before. Also, the girls seem to run to everyone to get things done. Again, another indication that they run the household and have run off other women. Have I said be cautious?
Your BF has raised a couple
Your BF has raised a couple of brats.
My guess is they are deep
My guess is they are deep down fearful of getting attached to you and then you leaving them as their mom did. The family really needs counseling.
That's an excuse and has
That's an excuse and has nothing to do with basic respect and manners.
The day my SD called an adult (or anybody) a bitch, would be the day she needed a good dentist. Which would not have happened because my DH raised her better than that.
My SD (now 23) may not have had warm fuzzy feelings for me when she was growing up but there is no way she would have pulled this crap. She knew better.
Like simifan said, sure, the BF corrected them but what made them think they could act that way to begin with? They should already know better.
I fully get what your saying
I fully get what your saying and I agree. I am adding that girls abandoned by thier mothers get really messed in the head in regards to other women filling the role. All around it is a very hard situation. They dad and girls really need therapy.