conflicted
I've had and continue to have numerous fights with my bf and with myself about the behavior of his children and at times I've come out of their stays with us feeling abused and in a desperate state. I joined this forum fully prepared to rant and rave about this and that, but after reading threw the forums i realized the majority of ppl on here were having the exact same issues i have... It was nice, i kept reading and it dawned on me that there was alot of bitterness, anger, and hurt in the posts as well... Feelings I've often had and knowing myself when im in that frustrated mindset i often search high and low for ways the kids are making my life difficult or screwing up, I've actually snapped on my SS for using a sugar spoon instead of a regular spoon for his cereal or for messing up the decorative towels in the bathroom?!? Basically im very good at making mountains out of molehills and it seems im not the only one in the forums with that gift! When times get so hard i want to cry (and often do) i remind myself and that it is a privilege for me to have them in my life after all they are some one else's children & when its good with them it really is a joy for them to be around. at times im guilty of scratching my head or blowing a basket wondering why they don't act like civilized humans... Because they're not... They're children, even worse teens! 90% of the time if i think about it its really their father that is pissing me off and im directing it at them, which obviously isn't fair!?! So my questions are am i alone in having a love hate relationship with my SKs? Is it possible that at times im more of the problem then they are? And how many of you find its really ur spouse that's falling short not the SKs?
I should note that they aren't angels they have issues from drugs, drinking, suspensions from school, getting arrested ect. So it can be really dam hard to see the good in them sometimes lol
Oops its supposed to say
Oops its supposed to say "blowing a gaskett" not "blowing a basket" darn auto-correct lol
I think if your SKIDs have
I think if your SKIDs have all the issues you listed in your last sentence, it's pretty generous of you to think that it's a privilege for you to have them in your life. Yes, the things you said you got angry about were trivial, (spoon and towels) but I can't imagine these are the things that generally make you feel "abused and in a desperate state".
I think sometimes the bio parent IS the problem, because they do not lay down sufficiently firm boundaries for behaviour. My DH is as guilty of this as anyone, as last weekend my SD17 yelled "bitch" at me several times. I have said to DH that I want him to make it clear that any further verbal abuse and she goes straight back to BMs.
I already had 2 kids in their late teens when I separated from my exH, and we would never have tolerated this kind of behaviour in our home. I think sometimes the bio parents let the kids do all sorts of crap and don't stop them, our of a sense of guilt, or fear that they won't come back. I wouldn't say I have a love/hate relationship with my SDs - I tolerate them and they tolerate me - most of the time. I don't like them, let alone love them, as they have given me so much grief over the years. I try to treat them with civility when they are in my home, and expect them to do the same to me. If the last weekends shennigans get repeated, I am going to insist DH makes other arrangements to see them, as I am not going to have them here.
Ok im new so im going to hope
Ok im new so im going to hope SKIDs is actually an acronym instead of an unwarranted insult???
The abused and in a desperate state has more to do with not being able to find ANYTHING that their father will discipline them for which im sure you know makes life alot harder for the other ppl that live in the house. So yes the bio is definitely a big issue and i appreciate your thoughts on that
As for just tolerating them, maybe its because i have no plans to have biological children that i want a much more meaningful relationship with them? After all odds r pretty good their father will pass away b4 i do (he's 18 years older) and id still like to have them and their families (when they have them) around after he's gone! Not to mention despite the stuff i listed (which sounds alot worse then i ment it to) about the trouble they get into they can also be very kind, warm hearted and good natured! (im not excusing the bad stuff though)
I do somewhat agree with your thoughts on discipline I've been accused of being rather strict and old fashioned but their upbringing is not solely up to me! I would not however demand that the children not be allowed in our home, i knew he had children when we met and i signed on for it good or bad! And unless it becomes a safety issue i don't see how anyone could ask that of their spouse!! i believe strongly in showing children genuine care and love is even more important then strict discipline they also need!
^^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^^ this is
^^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^^
this is how i feel about sd13!
I think what we need to keep
I think what we need to keep in mind, is first of all they are not our kids. We can play a parenting roll or a support roll in their lives but ultimately we are not their Bio parents. I have been in my SS17 life since he was 9. I have had so many ups and downs, trying to be a parent wanting him to accept me as a parent, but really he already has a mom and dad. I am just an extra. The disciplining is left up to his dad. I am there for support if my SS wants. The biggest thing I have learned it the need to let go. My SS has made mistakes has been a difficult child with school, chores, respect the whole time I have know him. When my SS does something that I think is not right or should be done differently I think back to when I was 17 and all the trouble I got into (which was much worse). We need to remember they are people, and they are learning and they WILL make many mistakes, and will for the rest of their lives. We just have to hope they will learn from some of their mistakes.
I think what we need to keep
I think what we need to keep in mind, is first of all they are not our kids. We can play a parenting roll or a support roll in their lives but ultimately we are not their Bio parents. I have been in my SS17 life since he was 9. I have had so many ups and downs, trying to be a parent wanting him to accept me as a parent, but really he already has a mom and dad. I am just an extra. The disciplining is left up to his dad. I am there for support if my SS wants. The biggest thing I have learned it the need to let go. My SS has made mistakes has been a difficult child with school, chores, respect the whole time I have know him. When my SS does something that I think is not right or should be done differently I think back to when I was 17 and all the trouble I got into (which was much worse). We need to remember they are people, and they are learning and they WILL make many mistakes, and will for the rest of their lives. We just have to hope they will learn from some of their mistakes.
@putao, i fucking hate
@putao, i fucking hate spammers! but whatevs.
i think a lot of my issues with my stepshits, well, just the SD17, is that she has a dead beat mother and a bio dad who is totally useless and lets SD17 do whatever the eff she wants. i am so very resentful for how i've been treated in the past and continue to be treated. i grew up totally different. my parents made it clear there would be consequences for my shitty attitude and unsavory actions. blended families just suck most of the time. i didn't come into this relationship with rose colored glasses. and i certainly never imagined i would be punished for all the good deeds i have done. i can appreciate that kids will be kids and that they don't have the same life experience as a 30-something-year-old. but i'm just dumb founded by the way my SD's bio parents let her act. it's absolutely disgusting.
sorry for the rant. i'm drunk and PMS'ing. very bad mixture.