never to be a father
My mother ran an in home day care from the time I was born until just a couple years ago. Needless to say I grew up around babies & toddlers. When I was an adolescent & teen I helped my mother with the kids & learned how to be an effective parent. Is it any wonder that I found myself attracted to single moms whose parenting style I agreed with? Five years ago I married my lovely wife. I am now 34 years old & my wife is 35. Her son (7 at the time,12 now) is special needs and warmed to me instantly, calling me dad even while we had been dating. Her daughter on the other hand (9 at the time, 14 now) did not. She has never been hateful and respects me enough but has made it very clear that she will never think of me as her dad. I've accepted this and while I may not be treated as dad I still treat both the kids as my own.
For the past 3 years we went through a costly and stressful custody battle with her ex husband of 10 years. He's the bio father of her son, but her daughter was the result of a one night stand before her first marriage. At the end of the legal stuff we have full custody and he's given up even visiting the kids for the most part. Honestly they're better off for it, my wife had very good reasons for leaving him as he and his new wife were equal parts neglectful and abusive to the kids.
My wife has had some medical issues that have forced her to stay home full time so I am now the sole provider for our family well. The girls bio father is unknown and she has persistently asked us to hire an investigator to track him down. We finally found a way of being able to afford to do so and to throw her the quincinera that she also wants (her bio father is Mexican, her mom is not.) She says that if she can't get her bio father to come that she'll just forgo the father daughter dance and any tradition that would call for the father. Ok. Fine, whatever, I'll cash out my stocks to find her bio dad and pay for her expensive coming of age party anyways.
Now my wife and I would very much like to have another child, I've always wanted a baby of my own to raise as I've helped raise numerous children that were not my own and have always wanted to be a father. Due to my wife's medical issues it would be costly for us to conceive (would likely need be in vitro and bed rest) but we still want another child. The teenager has also made it clear that she doesn't want another younger sibling because she would be too old to get to know the potential sibling before she goes off to college in a couple of years and she doesn't get along with her brother as is since he demands attention all the time.
I don't know what to do, if we go by what my stepdaughter wants I will never be a father and only one step child that views me as their dad. His special needs means he'll likely stay mentally 7 all of his life and probably live with us even as an adult. While something I'm ok with it means that I can't really help raise him as he's likely to never age mentally beyond where he was when I met him. I know that I've helped the teenager grow even if she won't acknowledge it. I fell like I have been helping to raise her these past years regardless of any form of recognition. I just wish that if she won't accept me as her dad that she would allow me to be someone else's father
Please do not sit back and
:jawdrop:
Please do not sit back and let a child make a life decision for you. She is a child, who YOU are supporting. If you can support another child, then have one.
You will regret not having a child if that is what you want. And if you are letting stepdaughter make that decision for you, you will certainly resent her. It is a decision for you and your wife alone. I would tell your wife that you want a child, and that if she is willing to let you father a child through invitro or adoption.
She's a teenager that you're
She's a teenager that you're accepting financial responsibility for ( and honestly it's Insane to cash out investments for a party IMO). She doesn't respect you, is actually actively trying to disrespect you around this party, which you're just seemingly totally going along with And you're going to let this same teenager dictate your procreation choices?!
Dude. What. The. Everloving. Fuck.
Why would you ever allow this to even be a discussion that involved a kid in your house? Kids don't get to make those choices for adults. Why would you even be considering doing what she wants? Why on earth are you putting out so much money to accomadte what she wants in terms of party and investigated when she has made it so clear she doesn't really think of you as family?
Giving up fatherhood will be a huge lifelong regret. Why would you even consider that for someone that cares so little for you?
I'm sorry, but are you
I'm sorry, but are you serious. Why were you and your wfe even discussing this with your sd. The decision whether or not to have another child is between you and your wife. No one else. Especially a teenager. If having a baby means there's not enough money to pay a private investigator to find her dad, well, too bad. She will just have to wait until either you gave saved up again, or she gets a job and pays for one herself. What she wants can wait. Having a baby cannot as you and your wife get older conceiving is harder as is running around after a child. If you and your wife want a baby, have one. And stop discussing such intimate plans with anyone but your wife and doctor.
If sd refuses to go the father daughter dance unless you provide her bio daddy to take her, that's her choice. Personally I think she's just manipulating you and you've been suckered in by her manipulations before. She knows how to play you. She insulted you in saying that, and your response was to work out how you could reward her for that and hire a private investigator to find her dad. Your playing the fool for her. You had better stop, it's not good for anyone, especially her.
SD sounds like an entitled
SD sounds like an entitled brat. She can pay for her own search after she moves out of house. Do you really want to contend with another adult influence in your life?
start telling her 'no'. She should have no say in whether you guys have a kid. Have your kid if wife is willing and healthy enough.
Don't cash out stocks for a freaking party. Why reward her snotty ass behavior?
Don't fall for that 'i never knew my father' guilt trip bs. And yes I do understand not knowing about bioparents, I'm adopted. I find her statement about saving a father/daughter dance for a man she's never met incredibly rude and insulting to you. Pisses me off.
And it is ok to step on her little fee fees in regards to cash outlays and ADULT decisions.
She has referred to me as her
She has referred to me as her dad in the past when talking about me but prefers to call me by my first name when addressing me because she says she likes the name. Also my wife never liked her calling her abusive step mother mom so I can see were that precedent comes from. She does love my family and calls my parents grandma and grandpa, my sister and brother, aunt and uncle respectively. I suppose she is a bit spoiled. As to manipulative, yeah I can see that. Sadly she has picked up on some of my wife's exes traits as he is extremely manipulative.
Some of the details I didn't include in my original rant are that the man she thought was her bio dad for the better part of a decade (my wife's ex husband) is a bigamist and had his new wife living with them the last 4 years of my wife's former marriage. For the past years since the spilt he has also been transitioning to be female and insists on being called mommy daddy, wants the kids to celebrate mother's day for him instead of father's day, and yet at the same time acts like a right wing bible thumping extremist. My wife believes it started as a ploy for the custody battle so he could cry bias at every turn but even if that's not the case it has confused the children and caused extra stress.
In the other household the teenager had been made to be the responsible one for her half brother and two step brothers, all of which were acting out because of the abuse delivered by the step mother and neglect of the father. The teenager basically had to be the mom for those 3 boys for a good part of her life and then was yelled at and beat for doing so. While my wife had been in that marriage she worked a lot of overtime to avoid her spouse and the other woman that lived with them and so wasn't around for the kids enough. Now that we have custody and the special needs boy demands so much attention constantly she tries to compensate with the teenager wherever she can. Not excuses, just further background.
We've put off having our own child because the custody battle took priority.We had to get them into a stable environment. At this point my wife has already promised the investigation and quincinera and if I say no we can't because we need to have a baby the teen will resent me and the new child and it would put an extra strain on her relationship with her mom which is strained enough as is. Plus my wife would be none too happy with me as her existing children have always come first, which I get.
The teen doesn't have a say directly in our finances or plans, but her wants influence what my wife wants us to do and so in turn have an impact. Half of my stocks will vest this upcoming summer and when I cash them out it will be about 2500 or more if the stock goes up further like it's been trending. Not a huge amount but a lot for us. I think I may just tell my wife that a grand can be for the teen. Drivers ed, party, bio dad investigation, birthday gift etc. But 500 needs to be for my hobbies that I've neglected since getting married and the custody battle began. The rest needs to be towards having a baby. I'd prefer to have a genetic child as I already have 2 kids I feel I've adopted, but if that's not possible I wouldn't mind adopting a child, I just know babies are harder to adopt than older kids.
.Some of the details I didn't
.Some of the details I didn't include in my original rant are that the man she thought was her bio dad for the better part of a decade (my wife's ex husband) is a bigamist and had his new wife living with them the last 4 years of my wife's former marriage. For the past years since the spilt he has also been transitioning to be female and insists on being called mommy daddy, wants the kids to celebrate mother's day for him instead of father's day, and yet at the same time acts like a right wing bible thumping extremist. My wife believes it started as a ploy for the custody battle so he could cry bias at every turn but even if that's not the case it has confused the children and caused extra stress.
So wait... your wife LIED to her daughter for more than half her life about who her Dad is??This person's gender identity is moot - your wife's LIES are not! No wonder the 15yo doesn't see you as Dad! No wonder she has issues! And you want to make a kid with someone who lies like this?
My wife didn't know that the
My wife didn't know that the one night stand with protection fathered her child rather than her fiance who she had lots of unprotected with. If she knew she never would have married her now ex. She only discovered it when her exes other woman had them do paternity tests on all the kids in the hopes that the special needs boy was not his (which he is). That was about 6 years ago I believe. Yes my wife made a mistake cheating on her fiance for a one night stand fifteen years ago. She never lied about it and I do not hold her one time indiscretion over a decade and half ago against her.
No, she really did lie to her
No, she really did lie to her daughter. Intentionally or not. Poor kid.
Double post
Double post
Wait, her solution to an
Wait, her solution to an abusive household was to work more so that her kids were left Alone with abusers more often?
If your wife promised the money for something without discussing it with you then She can figure out a way to provide it. WTH.
BTW, if you need to go the in vitro route, you're looking at around 10K, though it can vary some depending on the part of the country and the clinic you use. The lowest I've ever heard is 7K. But after what you added... There's no way I'd want a kid with her. She did a shit job for her kids while in an auspice situation. Now she's trying to make up for that by being a bad parent and spoiling her daughter. Doesn't sound like a great person to have a kid with.
She wasn't aware the abuse
She wasn't aware the abuse was going on, she worked the ot to avoid the infidelity. She herself is an abuse survivor and had she known would have taken action sooner. We found out about the abuse and neglect throughout the course of the custody battle.
My wife said we'd find a way of doing things before I realized I had stocks that would be vesting. We are partners in everything so of course I'm going to support her.
I know in vitro is a lot more than a grand and something we'd have to make payments on for a long time. I have really good health insurance that covers it and the money I'd want to put towards it would be for copays and the like.
As for her past marriage, yeah she wasn't there when she should have been, but then she got therapy to deal with her past abuse, got out of the venomous relationship and fought to get her kids free of it. I don't think that makes her a bad person, just human.
I don't think she's a bad parent either, is the teen a little spoiled, in some respects maybe. But in others not, she gets no allowance, doesn't ask for a lot, we even have to remind her to let us know when she needs things like toiletries and clothes because otherwise she'll buy her own with her own money saved from babysitting and such.
It sounds like I'm being told to give up, leave my wife and the kids and try to start over with someone else, or else just give up on having a child of my own. Neither option really works for me.
No your being told to set
No your being told to set boundaries. To not let a 15 year old dictate whether or not you have a child. Your being told not to allow a 15 year old all the power. As long as your wife enables her daughter and you enable your wife nothing will change. You are enabling your wife when you make excuses to justify her mistakes. We all make mistakes, but that shouldn't justify making more mistakes. Which is what is happening here. This girl doesn't get to demand you pay to find her father or she won't go to certain functions. That's emotional blackmail. She is very spoilt, not just a little spoilt as you say. She may not ask for much in a material sense, but she is running that house in no uncertain terms, even down to deciding such intimate things as you and your wife having a child. She is denying you the chance to be a biological father. And you are allowing it. If that's not spoilt I don't know what is.
You and your wife need to sit down discuss what you both want and TELL the 15 year old how it will be,at 15 she can't make adult decisions, and neither you or your wife should expect her to. You did this when you asked her opinion on whether or not you had another child.
The past is the past. You and your wife need to stop excusing this girls behaviour because of the past. She is living a different life now, and if she isn't coping the answer is therapy. Not spoiling her senseless.
>This girl doesn't get to
>This girl doesn't get to demand you pay to find her father or she won't go to certain functions.
To be fair, that is not what OP posted. He said that she would forego the traditional father/daughter dance/other activities at the party being thrown in her honor. Why is that so wrong? She had a father who it turned out wasn't (regardless how that transpired) - she'd like her Dad vs a substitute. No offense to OP. Since she doesn't see OP as her Dad, wouldn't it be disingenuous of her to pretend that she does to get her way (the search for her father)? THAT would be manipulative.
Well it may be I have taken
Well it may be I have taken that out of context. I don't know m However the last line of his original post led me to think that it was a demand from her to get op to pay to find her father. It read:
I just wish that if she won't accept me as her dad, she would ALLOW me to be someone else's father.
This was in relation to the op and his wife wanting another child. That statement gives a fair indication of this young girls attitude. And how much control she has over her mother and the op. It's not good, it's nt healthy for that girl to be given so much power and control.
Oh, definitely, it should be
Oh, definitely, it should be up to Mom and OP whether they have a kid. But it should be up to the kid if she'd like a father/daughter dance w/OP or none at all unless it's with her father. At her party.
It happens because parents
It happens because parents make excuses and allowances for these kids because poor baby has gone through a divorce. Every bit of bad manners and behaviour is excused. and accepted because they are from a "broken"home. They are running the home in some cases at the age of 2. Here we have a 15 year old deciding whether the mother and stepfather will have a baby and the stepfather saying he wishes she the fifteen your old would ALLOW him to have his own child.
If she refuses to acknowledge this man as her father, that's fine, he's not. If she refuses to go to any dances or have any special occasions without her biological father in attendance, fine, her loss. But to turn around and expect the op to pay to find her bio father is not acceptable. It's natural, kids are just naturally self absorbed. It's up to parents to teach them to respect others. But in this case she's being taught, it's all about her. I actually feel sorry for her. When the world doesn't indulge her the way mum and op have she is not going to be equipped to deal with it.
if you and your wife really
if you and your wife really want a baby "of your own" then you shoudl do it, and its a decision that like others said should be just between the two of you - no one else.
that said, you have a lot on your plate given your special needs SS, your wife's medical issues, and a SD that will surely ruin whatever happiness can come from this baby.
i too would like a child with my fiance...but knowing how many problems we have with SD13 i just cant imagine doing it.
Calypso and op. Denying
Calypso and op. Denying yourselves children because of children will down the track cause you more resentment than you could ever know. People who want babies don't just get over it. When these children whom you allowed deny you children have babies of their own it's going to hurt. Especially when you are excluded from the new baby's life. You are not giving up a new coat or a new car that you can pick up down the road if you still want it. One day the opportunity to have children will be gone forever.
I just wanted to thank
I just wanted to thank everyone for their insights and opinions. I also wanted to post an update.
SD has confided in her mom that she had thought to have me do the father daughter dance with her but asked her former step dad first. This is paraphrased but basically he/she declined as is no longer male and doesn't want to be considered a father as that is a male role. Further the former step father would be upset if SD asked me to take that role as (according to the ex) I'm not her dad in any way.
This is stupid according to SD and she is frustrated by her former step father greatly. She grew up with this person as her dad for the first decade of her life so it makes sense that she wouldn't want to alienate her former step father, especially since she has infrequent visitation and the ex will be moving to another state on the other side of the country by the summer. So SD won't have me take that spot. It sucks but is at least somewhat understandable.
On the baby front my wife and I are going to be starting with the beginning stages of in vitro before the end of the school year. SD is no longer dead set against a sibling and has asked us about our thoughts on baby names and stated that she hopes it's a girl because she's had enough with brothers. With in vitro I understand there's a good possibility of having twins or more so we'll see what things look like a year from now.