Trying to not hate my SD...
My DH and I have been married for three years, together 5.5 years. Between us we have three kids. SD14 who lives with us FT. And my two DD8 and DS7. When we first got married things were good. DH was a great help to me with DS8 who was born with very severe disabilities. He treats my kids like they are his own and they love him back. SD and I got along pretty well for the most part. She wasn't thrilled that her dad remarried and I think DS made her even less excited about it, but she was never rude or trouble. And like I said, we got along. I also got along really well with her BM. Then BM got into an accident and is no longer able to take care of SD. So SD moved in with us last year.
Things started out rough. SD was withdrawn and depressed. She was formally diagnosed after it became very obvious there was something wrong. Her grades slipped and she stopped sleeping. She's been on anti-depressants since and she also has weekly counseling.
The biggest problem is DH. He doesn't spend enough time with her and when he does, he wants to include my kids, which makes her resentful. The biggest thing was him taking her out for a burger and then deciding to take DS with them so I could take DD to the doctor (she was sick). The burger plans had to be cancelled because DS was having difficulty that day also and DH told her they'd go some other time, but that other time never came. Then he wanted her to start helping out with DS more. Helping to feed him and spend more time with him. She started telling him he has to think of her, too. He'd call her selfish, pointing out that DS has special needs. SD would get angry and say she's his kid, not DS. I would try to step in, but DH always insisted he could handle it.
About two weeks ago SD got suspended in school after her ex-BFF told her she should tell us how she really feels about DS. Which is that sometimes she wishes DS wasn't around and that sometimes she feels life would be easier if he were dead. SD got angry and told her that was supposed to be her getting it off her chest. Ex-BFF then said she lied about her not being a horrible person, because she is. SD lost it. She was screaming and crying and threw her books at ex-BFF.
Since I heard about what she said to ex-BFF, I've tried to not feel badly about her because I do understand it must be very hard on her as well. But I can't help hating her. She wishes my DS was dead. She actually wishes that. And another part of me is angry with DH, a huge part of me. Because he's supposed to love and look after her. He's supposed to help her through this difficult time. But he's more of a dad to my two kids than he is to SD. I feel horrible about all of this. I really do. But now when I see her face, I just want to scream "How dare you wish that about a poor, innocent child!" And then I realize I'd possibly feel the same way.
Sorry for ranting.
I didn't ask her or try to
I didn't ask her or try to force her. DH wanted her to help more. He's been pushing her to do more things with him, helping care for him, etc...
Then you need to "check your
Then you need to "check your husband" as it were. It's your son, so you can say who cares for him.
I agree. I always step in
I agree. I always step in when I'm there. But I know he does it when I'm alone, too. So I'm going to have a serious talk with him at the weekend when we have a few hours to ourselves. I don't want this to continue.
You have a mini-wife in the
You have a mini-wife in the making. That's how my SD19 was at that age. Be grateful that your DH puts her in her place now, while she's still young, letting her know she is being selfish. Trust me, this will help tremendously in a few years. Your SD14 is getting tough love, as she should.
~ Moon
I agree she needs tough love
I agree she needs tough love at times. But I also think DH needs to think of how difficult her life has been the last year and spend some time with her without everyone else.
But I am glad he disciplines and parents her because I know a lot don't.
First, as other posters have
First, as other posters have pointed out, you need to have a discussion with your DH. Explain to him that SD is not to care for DS because she is not the parent and she has some of her own issues right now. Also, explain to him that SD needs some one-on-one time. Tell him you really appreciate all he has done for your children but you don't want SD to get lost in the mix.
As for your SD "wanted DS to die", you said yourself she was venting to her BFF and the information should never have come out. Was it nice to say, no...BUT she is a child and can't express herself they way you and I can. Also, how many of us have vented on this very website things about our Skids and/or SO's that we wouldn't want the to hear. Give the kid a break. Trust me, MOST of the time, I would rather my SS disappear.
>Which is that sometimes she
>Which is that sometimes she wishes DS wasn't around and that sometimes she feels life would be easier if he were dead.<
Jesus H Christ! If I said something like that at her age, I would have had all my extra-curricular and hobbies annulled and would be spending 99% of my free time in psychological assessment. These days, if a kid tears up a couch with a knife, it's "ok" because it is considered "normal" for a child to act out their aggression.
SMH.
I can totally understand your frustration with SD. She's an archetypical COD with anger issues who has never been taught how to deal with her frustrations. She NEEDS counselling. She NEEDS counselling yesterday. I'd nag your DH about every waking moment.
I do not approve of any one,
I do not approve of any one, be they a teen or not, wishing their sibling (even a step-sibling in this case) dead.
I've worked with SN kids back in the day. Mind you it was my job, but there are many families out there where the sibling help shoulder the burden of taking care of an SN child. I do not know the dynamics of this particular family but if SD feels "forced" to take care of her step-brother, than that issue needs to be addressed between them as a family.
Getting to the point where SD wishes DS was dead tells me the situation has gone too far and SD is in need of counceling.
In a way, I already am. *LOL*
In a way, I already am.
Sorry Drac0, I don't see it
Sorry Drac0, I don't see it the same way.
I see it as a young girl who was taken away from mom and home and thrust into an environment with another women and children. She is now being forced by her own father to take care of a SN child. Also, he dad isn't spending the time with her that she needs.
She is probably feeling lost and alone. Was it right what she said, of course not. but 14yr olds can't express themselves like we can.
I do agree that she needs counseling. It sounds like she needs someone/anyone to hear her.
THIS
THIS
Wow! I guess this proves my
Wow!
I guess this proves my earlier comment on how society has changed. Back when I was a teen, if I wished my sibling (or anyone else) dead, I'd be slammed into a psychologists chair faster than you can say "coo coo?".
These days, let's bypass the child and ignore their silly little rants - because really - wishing people to be dead is totally normal behavior for a teen.
I don't think anyone is
I don't think anyone is handing the SD a free pass like you're suggesting, they're saying there is something seriously wrong in the whole situation and the SD is acting out. If the ONLY factor in the situation was the SD making death threats, that would be different. And BOTH (single factor/multiple factors) situations lead to most commenters saying that SD and dad need counselling.
Obviously the kid needs help, no one walks around wishing family members were dead for no reason. But no psychologist worth their salt is going to assume that the kid is wishing the SN dead because one random day the kid just woke up homicidal.
I guess I am just wired
I guess I am just wired differently. I can understand saying things in the heat of the moment. I've done it. I've said things I have later regretted but I always, ALWAYS owned up to it, appologized and moved on. I never, not once wish someone would drop dead. My DW wishes Donkeykong would drop dead. I don't. For all the pain, stress and aggravation he's caused us, death would only tear SS's world assunder.
I too have a brother. Yes we have fought. But I also got the sh*t kicked out of me for taking on those bullies who for some reason decided to pick on my brother that day. That is what siblings do. We protect each other. We share with each other. We look out for one another. I'm 45 and my brother is 41. We are still close. DW and SIL insist we speak in a different language when we speak to each other. My relationship with my brother is ideal, but that is because my parents sat me down and told me what my role is and reinforced it early on in my life.
So believe me, I understand the whole concept of the SD feeling frustrated in this situation. BELIEVE ME, I know. It's annoying to have a little sibling to look after. It's annoying to have to watch out for him and slow your life down to give them a chance to catch up. It's annoying to yell at them to get out of your room and they stand on the threshold of your bedroom door taunting you "I'm not in your room". I get it. I've lived it.
But we each have our roles to play in our respective families. One day or another we have to learn to accept that role. The alternative is to reject it and deal with decades of pain and grief. Just ask my DW. She stopped talking to her older sister for years because of some percieved slight and even today, the very subject of siblings causes her to break down and cry.
Would you make SS look after
Would you make SS look after your bio's if they were special needs? Actually would you let him look after them now with them healthy? I don't agree with what the poster and her husband are doing. This SD is not their child minder/ nurse/ au pair never mind that the child is SN which we have no idea how SN's. By the sounds of it immobile SN's.
I don't trust SS to babysit a
I don't trust SS to babysit a turnip let alone a healthy child. The most I will leave my bios alone with SS is an hour. He is simply not a responsible teen.
i hate mine. its ok. she's
i hate mine. its ok. she's made it quite easy for me. }:)
im honestly at a point where
im honestly at a point where i dont think i would help her in any situation... that is awful, i know.
The biggest problem is the
The biggest problem is the way your H is treating his daughter and his idiotic expectations she should help with her SN brother. The other issue is the fact you're not standing up to your H and telling him to stand down when it comes to your kids.
Your SD is expected to help with a SN child that is not related to her by blood. It's the same as when one of us SM are expected to automatically love our skids just because.
Not happening.
Sit your jerk of a H down and TELL him you don't feel SD should help out with SN kid. Helping around the house, picking up after herself, yes. Absolutely. But taking care of a SN kid should not be considered one of her chores.
Secondly....your jerk of a H is being a very lousy father to his own kid. But you can't fix that problem. What you can do is maybe lighten up on your SD, tell her you understand how she feels (because face it, you do) and let her know you're there for her. You don't need to be a parent to her, but you can be her friend.
Oh and she doesn't hate your son or really want him dead. She's frustrated her father is ignoring her and pushing her to the side. And like you're doing now, you're venting about the wrong person in this matter. You both are angry at your H but are taking it out on the two people who are being most affected by his crappy parenting.
In other words, you both share a common problem and it's not your DS and it's not your SD. Deal with it.