Counseling Gone Way Bad
Dh and I went to see a counselor the evening before last. It was amazing to me and very frustrating that DH was using his gaslighting on the counselor. He was trying very hard to get the counselor to agree with him about how his teen age daughters are "babies" still.
I could not get a word in! Everytime I would start to say something he would interrupt me very loudly and would just talk right over me without stopping. I was so frustrated that I cried for the entire meeting (2.5 hours). It was this long because DH would not stop putting his philosophies out there about raising kids, especially women. Ummm last time I checked, I raised a daughter who is very successful in her life. And my son is not too far behind.
He has a complete disregard for my feelings and for my role in this "family". We are supposed to talk about the counseling session tomorrow. He may be going out of town tonight. I don't know why I am still hanging around someone who does not vlaue me or what I bring into the relationship and even to his daughters as a role model, not so much as a step mom because they have their mother in their lives.
I am not a sad person. I love laughing and enjoying the company I am with but this has been the longest 10 months of my life! This is all affecting my health or lack there of. Just doing the basics to get through the day and I definitely do not belive in just average.
Just venting! Have a great day everyone!
- 4Steps's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
That sounds awful. I'm sure
That sounds awful. I'm sure the counselor was quite aware that his behavior was inappropriate, and frankly, he/she should have set a limit on it. Maybe you should do your own therapy to figure out those questions about why you are hanging around still, rather than sitting in there with him spewing his righteous indignation.
Your DH showed you who he is
Your DH showed you who he is and what he believes. Believe him and act accordingly.
That was how marriage
That was how marriage counseling between me and my kids dad went. I couldn't talk and when the counselor would finally make him stop long enough for me to answer a question I couldn't even think, just cry. It was horrible.
It may be time to cut that tie, it is always terrible for a marriage to end, but it is worse to be in one where your spouse does not respect you.
Hi 4Steps!
Hi 4Steps!
I think its great that you & H are in couseling from the sounds of it you both need it. I'm curious to know when your H kept interrupting you did the therapist intervene and tell him to wait his turn? How are you both suppose to arrive to solutions when the other is not LISTENING.
You said "He has a complete disregard for my feelings and for my role in this "family".
^^^^^^^^ this is not a healthy marriage and no way to live. What are you going to do if he continues to do this? If you see therapy is not helping and he still is not willing to meet you half way or change his behavior for a happier marriage, will you still put your health on the line and persist?
Wishing you positive vibes!
Sounds to me like the counselor is not that good
IMHO, a counselor has to be able to take control, let everyone have turns talking, and try to come up with rules that work for all. Of course, it may take more than one session, but this does not sound like a good start.
Yes, he should get time to put forth his philosophies, but then you should get time to explain why this does not work for you.
I agree. the counselor had no
I agree. the counselor had no control at all. But my DH is good at taking control of things even when it is hurting others. I will make that known to the counselor. I really think counselor was not ready for all that happened in thos 2.5 hours. He was younger than us, from his looks. and I think his focus is really teen agers. I don't think I will initiate another session. DH needs to show he wants it too, ya know?
A good therapist would have
A good therapist would have seen it and stopped it that session (and 2.5 hours? that's insane). Find a new therapist.
If this was your
first session, the counselor was probably doing a lot of behavior observing. Hopefully she addresses the fact that he talks over you in the next session. If not, I would ask that he step outside and give you a chance to talk to her. Usually, the first sessions are the worst until there are some goals put into place.
This session apparently went 2.5 hours
Unless I read OP wrong, this went 2.5 hours. I would have expected the counselor to give each of them 1 hour to speak (not at once, but in total) and then 1/2 hour for the counselor to give them things to work on.
Was this your first session?
Was this your first session? During the first session counselors often let things run rampant just to see what the dynamics are really like. Give it time and as advised above see your own counselor apart from the marriage counseling, one that will help you personally grow and set boundaries w/in this dysfunctional dynamic.
I'm 46 and don't have time
I'm 46 and don't have time for the games, ya know? the counselor needed to set the tone from the beginning. I don't believe that letting things just go haphazardly is the best idea, especially if one of the two parties is crying the ENTIRE time. He needed to either get a handle on it or ask us to leave.
Ugh. Every time your DH
Ugh. Every time your DH started to talk over you, the counselor should have shut that down. ASAP. It's understandable that the counselor may have been taken aback initially, but to allow it to continue is NOT good.
Sweetie, why are you with this man?? He treats you terribly, he has zero regard for you and your feelings. He!!, it's evident from the counseling session that he has zero regard for ANYONE other than himself. The reason you are sad is because you are with an awful partner.
Sit down and make a list of two columns - one for his negative qualities and the negatives of your life together, and another list of the positives. Unfortunately, I believe you are going to find that the negative seriously overshadows the positive.
We only get one life. It's not worth it to be so miserable. {{{hugs}}}
When is your next
When is your next session? Want to make a point and have some fun at the same time? Bring your largest purse and put a magazine or crossword puzzle or book in it. Or just have your phone with you although that is not as much of a statement. When your DH just takes over and is in the middle of an endless monologue, pull it out and start paging through it. When they ask you what you are doing, tell them that it seemed like your presence wasn't really required so you might as well occupy yourself while the two of them are talking. Just nudge you or something when they want to include you.
Probably will not notice
If the Cretin did not notice that she was CRYING the entire time, he will not notice that she is reading a magazine. And the therapist has been bullied into submission as well, it seems like.
I dont see how this can work if no one is listening. Its like a sailboat without wind, its going NOWHERE.
Therapist may not
Therapist may not but her DH sure as hell will. I would bet any amount of money that her tears were exactly the reaction he was looking for. Indifferent boredom flipping through a magazine while he is giving a lecture on how life should be? That will piss him off to the moon and back.
Been there
4steps - I haven't been logged in for a long time. I got out of my step stituation years ago but I still come by to read. Your post made me go through the process of resetting my password to respond. My exH did the same thing in counseling. I truly went in trying to figure out what I could do differently to make things better. Problem was he felt exactly the same way - he went in trying to figure out what I could do to make his life better. You deserve someone who wants to work with you to make things better. Please think long and hard about what you want. I divorced my exH and I could not be happier about that decision. But that's me. Please remember - it takes 2 people working on something to make it better. If he's not willing to make things better, counseling will never work. Take care and best of luck to you. You deserve better - but you need to know that.
More thoughts
Sorry - Please listen to what he says. In counseling, the therapist had us verbalize what our expectations were of many things: raising kids, family, home, etc. (Things we should have discussed when we were dating but he was too busy love-bombing me and I was eating it up!) We were so far apart on these integral issues and he was completely unwilling to compromise or even hear me. Listen to his expectations of what your role is in his life. Is it what you want for yourself?
I'd give it one more time.
It sounds like the therapist didn't manage the session well. But, maybe he will let you do most of the talking in the second session. If he doesn't, I'd either find another therapist (preferably one who deals with relationship issues) or seriously consider get out. I agree it would be good for you to find your own therapist to help you learn how to deal with things.