How do I handle this at this point?
I have posted about this before my in-laws not treating the kids fairly. Both my son's b-days are this month. My oldest sent a few items with links to my in-laws of what he wanted. No big all good and he specifically asked can you get this for my birthday. THey went ahead and bought it all and sent it several weeks ago. Again no big it was some sports gear he could use as he had just started the season.
My husband called to talk to them to make sure that it was clear this was early b-day gifts. They agreed so they knew all this stuff was for the oldest birthday. They sent a card with $100 cash in it for my youngest, about the same amount. Ok great all good. No problems with any of that. We put the money towards a playset.
Today my oldest got a card in the mail from them, to avoid some stuff I kind shook it and figured out there was money in it. Yes I did open it and there was $100 bucks in there for him. Now at this point they sent 100 dollars worth of stuff for my oldest and 100 in cash for his birthday. Everytime they have come up to visit they have gotten stuff for the oldest but not the youngest.
I have asked about this before, we have tried talking to them, tried explain to them how we feel. Even my oldest gets it that they should be fair after we have had to talk to him about this stuff. I have not given the card to the oldest yet.
Please share thoughts and opinions, at this point I am at a loss. I do not talk with them or communicate with them anymore. My husband has been dealing with his parents and he too is getting upset that they are not treating his son's the same.
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This is going to be hard to
This is going to be hard to hear, but I have 3 kids and one of the best lessons they ever learned from me is that life is not fair and things will not always be equal. I am assuming the older child is not your bio child, but a child from your partner's first marriage or relationship.
While your bio child might be hurt by the percieved unfairness, this issue is really about your feelings. You're taking this all so personally when it might be a good time to lessen the blow and not get worked up about their favoritism. You can't make other people do what you think they should do, but you can make your bio kid stronger by evening things up on your end OR explaining to him that he shouldn't take it personally. That maybe they feel sorry for his older brother because his parents split up.
I'm sorry you're dealing with strange or awful people. But there really is no way to control the actions of others.
I think this is the situation
I think this is the situation where the older child was raised by the parents and sister because the BM was MIA. OP came into the picture.. and through her encouragement.. they took back custody of his first child.. and she formally adopted the older child.
These would be the bio grandparents of both kids.. but the younger child doesn't have the relationship with the grandparents.. in part because he is the younger kid.. but also due to their former involvement in the older child's life.. and.. also because OP and her inlaws don't have the best relationship.. (partly due to the favoratism issue.. but I'm guessing other things as well).
So.... it's somewhat natural that they are doing more for the kid they have a relationship with .. and have been able to have a relationship with.. they are not ignoring the younger child. but certainly not putting in equal effort to say the least.
I would still say this is a fight that her DH needs to have with his parents... if there is going to be one. He can tell his parents.. oh.. you had already gifted OS.. his presents.. so I will be splitting the cash between your two grandkids to keep it fair. In the future.. if you are going to send one boy cash AND gifts.. please do it for both... if you don't.. we will be making adjustments on our end.
adding.. that if my
adding.. that if my recollection of OP is not the same person(it happens..).. I would still say it's her DH's responsibility to handle his parents.. and to direct any changes in their household that they see fit.. can be done by both her and her husband.. aka.. split the 100.. since the other boy already got 100 worth of equipment.
You are remembering most of
You are remembering most of it. Minus they wanted to move to FL and DH always had custody. He was around maybe not the best at times and let everyone else do alot of child rearing.
I like how you worded what he should say to his parents. Nice but gets the message across. I thought of the same thing but was not wording it quit so well.
I don't care if everything is perfectly equal. I know they over do for older because they literally think he has it so bad here. They think I don't love him.
Yes.. I remember he was
Yes.. I remember he was living with them.. so did have custody.. but a lot of issues early on surrounded their feeling of entitlement and a quasi "ownership" of the child.. and that he allowed them to take the lead.. even though he was technically still present.
Yeah you are right. A lot
Yeah you are right. A lot more things have come to light recently. Turns out DH is an serious alcolholic, I knew he had issues with drinking but no clue how bad it was until everything hit the fan. He was really good at hiding it from me and from everyone. This has been going on for years since he was like 18. He was in out patient rehab when he was that age, got a DUI shortly after the oldest was born.
The main reason why I found out how bad it had gotten, is we lost our daughter this year, I was 37 weeks and it was a cord accident. He drank so much to the point he was not functioning we almost got divorced it was close. His parents came up for a few days acted nice. I had to leave for a over a month and go to my brothers because I could not be around him. So my MIL and FIL came up after I left to find out if things were as bad as I was saying. They didn't believe me (I literally have reciepts showing how bad things got). They never really talked to him and my MIL stayed while FIl left. Guess what DH was still drinking that whole time and hiding it. It was signficantly less but my in-laws didn't bother to asked the hard questions or search the house. I was at one point. Or even notice, I could tell just on a phone call when DH was drinking.
I took our youngest with me. That is when I finally had it with her. She said many things to me that were not kind. "We neeed to love our oldest unconditionally" "It is your fault he even went with those boys and did what he did" "You only adopted oldest to control everything". This was 4 months after I lost our daughter. I cut them off. I do not speak to them and I told her to get out of my house before I came back home.
We have had one hell of year and have been struggling with some really crappy things. His dad has not once checked in on him since he was up here. My MIL after I tolder her to get out, she sent DH a test two days later asking "so I can't see youngest, who is the victim?" I think she sent random text late one night. Not once asking how he is doing, is he ok?
I finally think have have a much better idea of how things were when DH was younger, he has said he does not remember his parents saying "I love you" hardly at all.
Sorry for the long rant. Been a really tough year. Just having to still deal with thier stupidity r whatever you want to call it is annoying. I am getting better at disengaging. I do not talk to them at all. I do not let these things get me as wound up anymore. Life is too short.
I am so very sorry for your
I am so very sorry for your loss. Yours is a heavy load indeed.
(((((HUGS)))))
Oh.. that is a whole lot to
Oh.. that is a whole lot to deal with and a difficult MIL to boot.
In the end.. there is probably little to nothing you will be able to do to change this dynamic. She will never have the same bond with your younger kid.. and any future kids because she won't have the same opportunity she had with the older one. It's unlikely that you and she will ever see eye to eye.. and she will always feel you are somehow favoring your "real" bio child vs the older boy you adopted.
Right now, it's not as obvious to your son because he is so young.. and given the age difference.. that can mask things too.. older kids.. they may have bigger.. more expensive needs. a hundred dollars in toys goes further than 100 dollars towards a pair of teen size sneakers for example.
What you can control is that both the children show appropriate gratitude by sending thank you notes.. or thanking their grandparents for the gifts they do get. You can also ask your DH to not give his parents gift lists for the older boy.. unless he does the same for the younger and makes it fairly clear he expects them to try to not be lopsided.
Again... the ages will default make things a bit unequal anyway.. and presents are voluntarily given.. so it's at their option to give the boys anything at all.. would it be better if the kids got nothing? or that it was a bit uneven?
Yes.. I know her view of things is skewed.. but that is who she is.. and maybe your younger child will benefit by less exposure.. which is worth a lot more than presents..haha.
They treat your older son differently because they have a
They treat your older son differently because they have a different relationship with him since they basically raised him when he was younger. It is only natural that they feel closer to him. I understand where you are coming from and why you think the kids should be treated the same, but I'm not sure you are ever going to make the grandparents feel the same way as you do.
In this situation, I wonder if they are justifying it because they don't consider the sports equipment birthday gifts, but just gifts? So to them, they sent each child the same amount of money for their birthdays. In any case, it is up to your DH to deal with this. I'm sorry this is still an issue, you would think after this amount of time they would realize you love your son and want what is best for both kids.
I would agree with they would
I would agree with they would not think the equipment was for his birthday but my oldest even told them that he wanted it for his birthday and they could wait till that time to give to him. They went ahead and sent it to him anyway, even though my oldest said wait till his birthday. They don't listen to anyone.
Maybe it is me having a chip on my shoulder, but I literally think they overdo for the oldest partly yes different relationship but a lot because they think we treat him bad. We are too strict and to hard on him. He is so sad living with us because he can never do what he wants. Yes they have literally said that to me.
Just frustrated with the whole thing.